Hello everyone, I’m a 60 year old man and recently lost the love of my life at 57. She passed away due to a severe stroke while on a blood thinner. After 8 weeks, I am not feeling much different and continue to ride the roller coaster of grief. I am writing because the pain of losing her is so great at times, I worry about my future. I feel that my pain may be worse than others in a couple of different ways. I have known Barbara for 37 years, and have never been with anyone else. I have never lived alone, travelled alone, and can’t imagine a life being without her. She was truly my best friend, and we spent most of our days together as she stopped working a few years ago, and I worked at home as an Artist. The other problem I have with this is that I am feeling incredibly empathetic to her even though she’s gone. I can’t fathom the fact that she will never be able to enjoy anything anymore, and that hurts in a big way. I know from all I have read and heard is that the grieving process doesn’t get easier, it just gets different to the point where we just learn to live with it. I don’t know, but it sure doesn’t seem like I will ever find enjoyment in life anymore.
Hi Rob.
I lost my wife of 55 yrs in April so I do understand,I cannot offer you words of wisdom because I don’t know myself,all of us on this forum are pretty much in the same boat,the future is just a big impenetrable fog,the only advice I can offer is one step at a time and try to be good to yourself.
Kind regards Ron.
8 weeks is early days mate, I lost my wife 18 months ago and still feel awful. I regret the things that she can’t now do or have, last year we finally cashed in our private pensions and she could have had the things done in the house that she always wanted also she mentioned that she always wanted to visit the Bahamas but we just ran out of time.
Forget about enjoying anything for a while and just concentrate on surviving, your wife is at peace and not in any pain ,and because she went first, she hasn’t got to suffer the agony of grief that you are going through.
Best wishes.
My husband died at the end of May, he had a cardiac arrest in bed next to me.
We spent 16 years together 24/7. We never went out without the other. Never spent a night apart.
I think everything you are feeling is absolutely normal.
As others say, one hour at a time for now.
I don’t look into the future, today is more than enough to cope with.
Love and hugs.
I’m 20 months on this journey and felt like you at the beginning.
Questioning choices, grieving all that they won’t get to do, grieving yourself for what you have lost, the person and the future. The pain so raw and unabating, you wonder how the hell you’ll get through the day, week, month.
But you do. You wake up every day and you go sleep at night, life goes on and we can’t get off. You wonder how you will do this but you are, every day.
My advise, don’t make plans or look to the future. Just focus on the next hour in front of you.
20 months ago, i never thought i would survive this, never thought i would have a life worth living ever again, but i do. I’m getting used to living a single life. Its not what i wanted or planned but it’s the one I’ve been given and i need to make the most of it because my man would want me to. At 59, I’m too young to give up and i owe it to my man to live a life he didn’t get to have. I think he would be quite upset if i waste it.
The pain does change, it does become less raw and painful but it takes time and a will power to survive.
Thank you kindly for your feedback, it is very much appreciated!
Thank you for responding. I really really appreciate it!
Hi Rob, i feel the exact same way as yourself, everything you said is how i feel, lost my beautiful wife nearly 7 weeks ago. I am so lost and lonely, days are so long. Feels like the grief is getting worse by the day. Take care my friend.
Hi ,
Sounds like early days. You will probably still be in shock.
I don’t think complicated grief can be diagnosed at this stage.
I have been diagnosed with it . It’s when grief is intense and persistent for at least 6 months. Often extra circumstances around the death.
Ive had 6 weeks grief counselling and months of intense therapy but still not feeling any better.
Here is where I am and a little of my back story .
12/10 was the first anniversary of my husbands death. He drowned in Crete I was on holiday with him alone . It was horrific.
On 11/10 his ashes were laid to rest. I didn’t attend.
12 days after his death , I found drafts of a letters he had written to a woman he was having an affair with. She had pressed him to leave me . He was refusing and trying to end it but it was horrible for me to read . I clearly meant nothing to him, but he didn’t want the shame of it all to come out. He was a coward.
He conducted his affair whist I had tests and an operation for thyroid cancer. Then tests and an operation for ovarian cancer ( fortunately my tumour was benign) all whilst my sister was dying of ovarian cancer. He was nasty and unsupportive throughout, bothered by how it effected his life , not how scared I was. I also found a bunny boiler letter from her to him at what must have been the beginning of the affair, she wanted to caress his soul:nauseated_face:, he was the love of her life ( she had a husband) she loved him with infinite madness ., she wanted guidance to give him whatever he needed when he needed it . She thanked him for guiding hervwith his glow 
. She as at last ten years younger.
How I wish I hadn’t read those things, how I wish I could just grieve my husband of 32 years, partner of 38. How I wish my children didn’t have to deal with this additional pain.
The natural reaction when we have been betrayed , cheated on is to want to hate and forget. The natural way when a loved one dies is to love and remember. I switch back and forth between the two, making no progress trapped in the double grief .
My Daughter can’t bear to think her dad was anything other than she remembers him so had turned on me . Continually trying to build bridges with her for her to erupt again calling me horrible things like toxic and evil because I can’t just shrug off his affair.
It’s miss placed anger and she is my daughter so I have to keep trying. But is another heartbreak on top of everything else.
I just have to keep trying . I went back to work quickly after the funeral ( last Nov ) . It makes me get up each day and is a slight distraction. I think constantly about the pain of the betrayal and the pain of the death. I can not see a future for me . At 59 I feel as though am just exiting and I honestly don’t want to.
Sorry to be such a downer. Hopefully you will have a more “normal “ if there is such a thing , grief journey.
I am 2 months after the death of my husband in an accident, he was 57. I can understand everything you say. As others have said it’s hour by hour and there is support here xxx
Yup, I feel for you as well my friend, if it’s not the disbelief of it all, then it’s the lonely lost feeling. You could cut my arm off and it wouldn’t hurt as much as this. I hope we and everyone else going through this will feel something soon that will eventually give us joy in life. Take good care of yourself and I will try to do the same.
I am so very sorry that you had to go through everything you went through, and hope somehow you will get past all you have endured. My wife and I loved each other so much. We had problems like any marriage, but all in all, we were also best friends. As I’m an Artist, I will miss the person that was my biggest fan, and loved what I created. She battled many different illnesses, and so I took care of her over the last few years. Unfortunately she was slated for knee replacement surgery, but had to go on blood thinners as she was at high risk for clotting. The thinner eventually gave her a stroke which ended her short life in a matter of minutes.
Hope you find love and happiness and strength to soldier on……
Thanks Rob,
A sudden death is very hard. Be kind to your self . Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel better soon. I n the early days I thought I’ll feel better in a month or 2 then when I didn’t I thought 6 months and so on. The truth is there is no finite time scale. Sometimes I feel I’m making progress then I go back to the beginning. If you put pressure on yourself re time you just get frustrated with yourself when you don’t feel better in the time you think you will.
Make yourself get up each day even if you don’t want to. Get out of the house and try to find people to speak to not necessarily about your grief but any one about anything.
Isolation just makes it worse.
My sister died almost 2 years to the day my husband died. It’s three years for my brother in law. He isolates a lot despite his kids rallying and trying to get him out. He agrees to things but always cancels at the last minute. I accept all offers for company and getting out of the house. I really don’t feel like it but once I get out it helps a little and is infinitely better than being alone at home with my thoughts.
Grief counselling helps a little in the early stages. It’s worth a go, talking in general helps . I always felt better after a session, unfortunately for me the effects didn’t last .
The NHS are referring for trauma counselling but there is a 9 month wait ( about 3 left to go) just hope it has longer lasting more effective results.
Rob, I relate to every word. Doing things without my husband is not the same anymore. Because I have no friends that are in similar positions, I know I am not understood and their blase way they seem to approach their blessed lives has been a shock. I am told, “go on a holiday”, “get out there”… I wonder whether they have been on a holiday alone a this age when surrounded by families? I also wonder where I am meant to go. My town is full of families and older retirees. I have not found where I belong, hate sit having coffee with nobody like minded to speak to, coming back to an empty place and not finding similar folk to be with. Life is always better shared … I have also been told “make new memories”… Would love to do that with somebody but ALONE and feeling so out of place? No idea how … The things I have tried don’t satisfy - the gap is always there.
Hey there, thanks for replying to my message. I feel for you in a big way, and wish we could all get together and hug each other physically. I think the toughest part of this whole mess is not being able to fathom a life without the one we love, and even worse, knowing that they can’t enjoy life anymore. If that’s not the epitome of empathy then I don’t know what is. You definitely find out who your true friends are, and those that are just on the surface. Thankfully my wife’s family are super supportive and are also grieving the loss of their baby sister big time. Christmas will be super difficult, but will do my best to get through it , and so forth one day at a time. I wish you much love and hope you will also be with me in finding the strength to persevere through this unbearable pain. I keep telling myself that when it’s my time to go, I will find her once again, and that is the only comfort I can hang onto right now.
Hi there, i lost my beautiful wife Kelly just over a month ago to Cancer, the thought of life without her is unbearable she was my best friend and soulmate, like you i’m also frightened about my future, we had plans for our retirement together but now all my dreams have gone, she was only 45 and I’m 54, so I probably have years ahead of me missing her everyday , so i completely understand how you feel my friend your not alone
Hi there Mathew, and thanks for sharing your story with me. It sure puts life and its fragility into perspective big time. I don’t think a slow death or a sudden one like my wife’s is any easier or less painful. I have people come up to me and say “well at least she didn’t suffer”. Really?? The poor woman suffered from numerous illnesses for so many years, as well as I did just feeling the pain through her.
I don’t know you, or what your personality is like, but sounds like we share the same kind of love and empathy for our wives. I cry at least three times a day, and the house just isn’t the same being empty. The cat is not normal and just walks around seeming lost. Sometimes the disbelief of her not being here with me is almost too difficult to take. I just hope that you, me and others suffering like this will feel stronger and will somehow get used to this life that has been changed. I have never been with anyone else, or have lived alone. The thought of all that and not having her to share the every day decisions with is super painful.
I hope you find strength in all you’re suffering from my friend.
Yes…so young… You feel in many ways like me. I turned 55 this week, and although I have been alone for over five yrs now, the extra complications with unemployment, empty nest and living with loneliness that does not subside despite attempts to fill time with distractions. Simply doing all I do each day without a significant other can really be tiring (+ dull).
So tough when we are still young - that is what I feel … Because the future cannot be with one we planned for.
Trying to find direction personally whilst the world around me is full of busy people.
Thank you for your reply Rob, yes its the same for me coming into my empty house it echos with memories so fresh and hard to take, i go outside looking at the start talking to her hoping i’ll hear a reply or see her but unfortunately nothing which makes it even harder going to bed on my own feeling where she laid at the moment life is shxt but all we have and lucky to have are the amazing memories and you me and other like us are so lucky to had love like this, thinking this is the only thing keeping me going right now its hard my friend but again your not on your own
The memories and telling myself to have loved someone and have them love me is something that not everyone gets , is what I keep telling myself will keep me going.
I hope that this will one day give me comfort. For now I think sharing our loss and feelings is part of the grief that we need to go through.
x