I am Tired!!!!

Losing a partner
#1

I am so so tired!
Tired of crying, tired of been alone, tired of doing everyday things, tired to try to create a new life that I don’t want
I am tired to be alone.
Tired to know that nothing will change!! I am so tired!!!
Tired of not having Jack by my side - in 2 weeks will be 1 year - all I can say is that I miss his voice - his warmth - I miss him touch my shoulder and kissing my neck
I miss Jack around, spending time with him
I miss him !! The rain is so hard and so much of it that half of my garage got flooded! Where is Jack to help me - where is Jack so we could complain together
It is so draining !!
I used to think life was great! Life haven’t felt great in a very long time - t is so awful!!

Because of the rain all roads around us are looking like lakes - so I didn’t go to my boxing class - it was when I realised that I arrange something to do every evening because I don’t want to be home !!

So so sorry for my ranting!!
I just had enough

Sadie x

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#2

All I can say is me too . After 18 months I feel the same !

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#3

Dear Sadie
You’re post could have been written by me. I feel your pain and such yearning for what we had. I’m so tired, yet cannot sleep! After almost 8 months I’m tired of this constant feeling of despair, the longing for his touch, his warmth, his assurance that all will be ok.
Nothing will ever be ok again.
I miss him so much
Take care xx

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#4

I’m so sad and sorry for everyone who feels that way. Yes, tiredness, another emotional problem. It’s exhaustion! All the tears and emotional upset drains energy. Everything becomes a chore to be done but with little interest.
And Sadie, the weather doesn’t help at all. As the nights draw in we are bound to feel down. We are humans living on the Earth and subject to the changing seasons.
I know, it goes a lot deeper than that, but it doesn’t help.
I must confess that until it happened to me I had no idea what bereavement was like and how it can affect one emotionally and physically.
There’s not a lot I can say that will ease the burden. I can only reach out and say that you are not alone, but you know that.
And no one ‘rants’ on here. It’s all about unloading and expressing emotions where they will be understood. I often feel our sadness is not only because we have lost a dear one, but everything around us seems to be in chaos. When we are so vulnerable we pick up the general feeling of dismay. It doesn’t help.
I press on as best I can. It will be a year soon since my wife passed. Does it get easier? Sometimes, but I still have the YO YO effect. Up and down. Some days I begin to think it will pass. Other days I go down and think it will never end.
I do know it will because I feel it will. This feeling is difficult to describe. I will never ever forget, never. But the pain may diminish.
Take care everyone. Blessings.

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#5

Hi Sadie, I am so sorry you feel so fed up and all I can say is ditto. I think most of us can relate to your words so your not ranting at all, and as Jonathan so rightly says, we just had no idea what it was going to be like. I understand about everyday being a constant struggle. I am so sensitive these days and any little thing can become a major drama. I’m fed up with some people on the allotment, ‘new jobs worth’ on committee. Can’t be bothered with it all. Just want to stay in my own little world. I make each day count and do things I quite enjoy but something is always missing.

Has anyone looked at a photo of their loved one and screamed at them and blamed them for leaving us in such a state. What on earth have we done to deserve this. I knew I would grieve but usually being a positive, person expected it to have been a little easier by now. Some days not so bad, quite pleased with myself, then a major drop in mood comes along. Two steps forward and five back !!!
Keep going Sadie we will get there one day… Pat xx

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#6

Yes Pat, I know exactly what you mean. Some days the light gets brighter, others it gets dimmer, but it’s always there, well for me it is.
And I also know about the ‘why did you leave me’ bit. But is there such a thing as blame?
In a sense no one is at fault. It’s life! All part of the tapestry we call living. Threads of happiness woven in with threads of sadness. In a way we fight against life. We resist it rather than go with it. Resistance sets up barriers in the mind.
Sorry, this may not make much sense at the moment.
Grief and happiness are flip sides of the same coin called life. At the moment the coin has come down on the unhappiness side. Shall we flip it again later? Who knows which side it may fall.
You are right Pat, we will get there and you are still a positive person in spite of all you are going through. I find inspiration in your posts.
Take care and Bless you.

#7

Hello Sadsadie, me too, you couldn’t have put it better how I feel to. Have been lucky to have been on three holidays this year with my daughter and friends, sometimes so tired of being cheerful, putting on a face to everybody. Its been 18 months for me too since i lost my Paul, no one can take his place and make me feel happy. I hate this conversation in my head that i have all the time, no one else knows about. Its i miss you, where are you, wish you were here, can’t cope without you. It never stops, I’m so tired too!!

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#8

Hi Sadie
Strangely enough I have just sent a text to a friend saying I’m tired of being tired -that I am close to giving it all up and doing what I want to do

#9

Hi Jonathan, You make perfect sense as usual. We all try so hard yet find ourselves being held back by an invisible force. I am trying to go with it.
Yesterday I met a woman that lost her husband, then her teenage son drowned trying to rescue his little dog from the sea and to add to this her daughter was found dead in her flat. I just can’t imagine how people manage to get through all that, I’m struggling with losing one person. But people that have suffered so much do give me hope that if they can get through it then so can I, one day…

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#10

Pattidot. That poor woman. I feel so very selfish feeling sorry for myself. I try so hard to be brave. It’s just that when you are down you can only think of yourself & now I am feeling so guilty, so many people are suffering this dreadful feeling of sadness & loneliness.
I am going to try so hard today not to feel sorry for myself. I am going to count my blessings today.

Take care all, my thoughts are with you

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#11

Hi everyone, I feel so upset and unhappy today, I’ve just sat crying all morning. It’s nearly 4 months since Jim died and I miss him more and more each day. I get so tired of people asking how I am,. I always say I’m ok but I’m tired of pretending I’m fine when I’m not . Today I will be looking after my grandson after school so I’ll be fine but then when I come home I feel so lonely and again the crying starts. I seem to have a few good days followed by bad .All my family are so good to me and I know they are hurting too but I just want what I can’t have. Sorry for moaning. Sending love to you all xx

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#12

Hi everyone, it seems that I am not the only one that feel so tired !!
Pat, your poor friend loosing 2 children and her husband ! So horrific that I can’t imagine
There is so much pain around So much sorry
Sending love to all
Sadie x

#13

Hi Silverlady,

I’m really sorry to hear that you feel like giving up, you sound very low in this post.

If you are in need of some additional support, the Samaritans are always there 24/7 (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

If you ever feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Priscilla
Community Manager

#14

Hi Silverlady. I’m a bit confused, what is it you want to do. You have got me worried now. Your messages have always been so positive. Made me smile and even laugh at times and we have had some good conversations.
I know, on bad days it’s so hard. I think of it as being tested.
You have never seemed to me like a quitter. I don’t think I am either but sometimes it can be so tiring. I begin to wonder what’s the point but the next day is another day and hopefully better that the previous one and tomorrow will be even better, hopefully. Hang in there.
How are you today. Let us know.

Love Pat xxx

#15

Sadsadie,
I know exactly how you feel as I’m sure so many others do.
It’s heartbreaking and there’s nothing we can do about our grief other than carry on as best we can.
Someone told me to think of just one thing in the day that made me smile, that I felt grateful for or enjoyed.
I now try this every day, it might be such a small thing, to see a stunning sunset or my son’s dogs antics on a supposedly restful walk!
But it’s hard and so very, very difficult.
Love to you all.

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#16

That’s a good idea, there must be something during a day that will make us smile.
My dogs also make me smile all the time. Today I went into town with them and they saw a neighbour who they particularly like, my normally well behaved dogs decided to rush over to him, dragging me along with them running like mad to keep up. Yesterday I decided to meditate but Bugsy had other idea’s. He fetched his noisiest squeeky toy which is bigger than him and he jumps up and down on it to make a noise. So much for my peaceful meditation moment. I ended up on the floor laughing at him. These moments are precious now. We find we have a smile or even a laugh in us after all. It’s a good idea and I’m going to do it.
Thanks

Pat xxx

#17

Hi there, do you wonder where these thoughts come from. Opening your eyes in the morning is an effort as we have no idea what we are going to be feeling like all that day. Some uncontrollable force take us over. Don’t feel selfish or guilty we all have those ‘why us’ moments and you feel as sorry for yourself as you want to.

Love Pat xxx

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#18

Thank you for your kind words, giving up not on life having watched my hubby fight so hard for his I wouldn’t dare do something silly but nor will I be a hypocrite and say those thought haven’t crossed my mind in the beginning as the need to follow him was so very strong but I have a beautiful grandaughter. I meant giving up on family, businesses, I’m tired of everybody wanting something from me and I have been allowing it. Because I am so very tired. No more the bitch is back . I am tired of being the whipping boy for a dysfunctional family a person that says yes to try and be nice but gets sh*t on . From now on I am being selfish, I have been letting my grief get the better of me and it has to stop because I want more out of life. I took a day off today and did nothing for anyone else, a first for me, I sorted out my husbands clothes and have managed to get them into the car next step is the charity shop, another test but I have to do something to help me move on otherwise what is the point? I loved my life, and I love my husband but I cannot dwell on the past I have to forge a future in my head I was struggling to accept it hence the down time but I have accepted it reluctantly but change for all of us no matter how much we want to hold on to the past has to happen. X

#19

Pat my fur baby sat in the pond with a fish hanging out of her mouth, shouldn’t have laughed but I did, she dropped it back in the water, it swam off! Our little friends do fill a need x

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#20

Youdsaid it well Pat- we are tired - we are fed up and we ask ourselves what is the point of it all . But we are also strong and resilient and we know that we will plod along and we will never quit - as the Chinese say fall 7 times get up 8
Sadie xx

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