Hello - It is a long dark road. It has been almost 16 weeks. I am healing, albeit very slowly. I had no good days in the beginning, now I do have some. I cry everyday, but I find it easier to pull myself back from being totally overwhelmed by grief. I’m still learning the triggers that set me off, and I try to avoid them or circumvent them . It does not work all the time, there is always a new one…Be patient and gentle with yourself - you are deeply injured. Move at your own pace - in the beginning I tried to complete one task,no matter how small, every day - some days I did nothing. At some point I realized I had to re-engage with life and did so under my own volition. I still have many withdrawn days full of deep sadness. I remember the first time that I laughed at something. It was so spontaneous, but I had forgotten how it felt…and I must say it felt darn good…gave me hope that “I” was still in there…The new me is slowly,slowly emerging and although nothing will ever be the same, I truly feel that there is hope for brighter days - and that is something I couldn’t conceive of for a long time…But now I can feel (not understand) a major shift within myself and I think that hope has finally arrived for me and it will help to heat the wounds my soul & heart have taken…I didn’t believe at first that I could ever get through the searing pain, but I am learning how to soothe it…
From my experience you will always find understanding and caring on this site. You will find people that know the complex emotional upheaval and the pain you’re feeling. Those that have never been here really don’t know. It really is a club none of us wanted to join…
A friend said this to me when I said I was going one day at a time: “You know I think that’s all you can do. Flow one day into another until time wears the edges off your grief, and turns it into something smooth & weighty in your palm. It almost becomes like a prayer stone - rounded by your constant touching and exploring of its edges. Trust your gut - and feel whatever comes as it comes…”
Sorry for butting in the conversation
That is a lovely peaceful way of looking at the process we are going through . I lost my husband suddenly last year . Tomorrow will be the second birthday we have faced without him . The journey has been very difficult and we are still in hard times but our mood as a family is calmer . There is no point in being angry or sad or depressed for too long because life still carries on and has to be dealt with . It is tough going but hopefully we will learn to hold the grief whilst still living our lives as best we can , honouring my husband’s legacy as we go along . He was …and still is …so , so important to us . Love never dies xxx
Hello Romy. By co-incidence I was thinking about you today and wondering how you was getting on.
Your right there is no use having all these emotions. I am trying to keep a calmness about me but as I’m not usually a calm person it is an uphill struggle.
Someone upset me on the telphone today and I could feel my heartbeat quickening as I became angry. It was doing me no good. I had promised myself I would not become angry but went and let myself down. (Perhaps I should have the phone disconnected) So I came on the forum and now feeling much calmer.
Agree they remain the most important thing in our lives and I have promised him that I will always love him. Certainly love never dies. xxx Pat
Dear Pat
We go through so many emotions
It is exhausting
We made it through his birthday Sunday …me , our daughters and some close friends doing stuff together …a charity walk and an Indian takeaway
But yesterday I was just desperate to fling myself into his arms and get hugged . It’s horrible knowing that it’s not going to happen …today , tomorrow, between now and Xmas , next year , or the next 5 ,10 , 15 , 20 years or however long I live
This morning I was remembering how I used to say if you’re getting up first will you put the heating on so it’s warm when I get out of bed . I put the heating on now . What a simple thought yet how it triggers off all the feelings of grief and loss and the reality of the situation . It’s all down to us now . Sink or swim , so no wonder we get upset and find it hard to stay calm
I have started to take something called magnolia rhodiola as I have been feeling very anxious the past couple of weeks …in the build up to my husband’s birthday I think .
Anyway it seems to be helping a bit along with having learnt that extreme emotions won’t get us anywhere …but sometimes we just can’t help it . Great love = great grief .
Hi Romy. I had to get through our wedding anniversary and his birthday in the same week in May and I was exhausted. I put his Birthday card on the shelf and it’s still there now. I took a small card to where his ashes are and fresh flowers. I cried as if my heart would break but went for a meal with a friend in the afternoon and took a framed photo of him and put it on the table. I felt better. I like the idea of a charity walk with friends and family though.
I have photo’s of Brian around the house and I touch his hands and face, this is all I have now. It’s so hard having to accept that they are just not with us to put their arms around us, to comfort us or even listen to us having a moan.
You made me smile though, simple things do come back to remind us. I have written this already yesterday so apologise if you have already seen it.
Yesterday wasn’t a nice day and I dislike having to stay indoors. When we had these miserable days Brian dreaded them as I would start cleaning out cupboards or moving furniture around. Brian hated change and me messing about in cupboards and would sulk and lock himself away. I remembered this yesterday and did just hope that he might have been around somewhere watching me. He would have said “Your at it again, can’t you just sit still for once and relax”.
I have found that anxiety and fear is probably the worst thing to cope with especially at the moment. This time last year it was hell. I was caring for Brian and he was slowly getting worse by the day. I was living in a world of make believe as I refused to accept that it was all coming to an end. My head was all over the place and just remembering is terrible. In November it will be the first year and it’s been pretty rubbish. I have never counted the days, weeks or months. I have no idea how I will cope. I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to live through the nightmare again.
Good weather today so I have spent it gardening, very therapeutic but my back is killing me now so called it a day.
Love to you.
Hi Pat I thought I would say I do just the same as you with a photo on the table when we all go out and celebrate my Ron"s birthday which is coming up on November 9th, his brother and wife comes so it is so lovely and one of the son-in-laws toast him, he will never ever be forgotten, Also I hope you don"t think this is strange but every Tuesday I go to one of the daughters and help with her ironing. They have an Alexa and it plays Ron and I special song, which is Andy Williams singing Almost There and I pick up a lovely photo of Ron which is in pride of place at my daughters and dance with him. So I say it is our date and dance morning. I am crying and singing at the same time. I feel this is the only place I can say this. We all do anything to help us with this awful grief. That is only the good thing about this horrible grief he will not have to suffer it Love and hugs to you. xx Carol. xxxx
I’m strange with you then Carol because I do exactly the same. I hold a photo of him close and dance with him. I have cassettes and CD’s of him singing with his group and play them. I dance to him, and sing along, sometimes I hold the player close and can feel the vibrations of him singing. I usually end up sitting on the floor crying and hugging him though. I’m sure many of us do things that will seem strange to people that have never been through such pain.
Love to you Pat xxx
Yes Pat - people that have not felt deep pain and unbreable can not understand and I know I certainly didn’t know it was so painful such a big void !
Monday was the 1st anniversary of Jack not been here !
Two days before the anniversary up to today I feel so drained , exhausted - I want to be still , I feel this huge void with the certainty that nothing can make things better
I miss holding Jack’s hand - he had lots very hands - I miss his hand on my shoulders - I miss his warmth beside me - I miss his voice
How I miss been part of a couple - to be held when I was upset
I have never thought I will be within t him - we were meant to be together!
I just hope I was a good enough wife and that he knew how much I loved him
Every so often I ask myself where is he? At times I feel him close to me but it has been a while since I felt it
Dear Sadie
I miss holding my husband’s hand ; having a sensible grown up conversation with someone who loves me , knows me inside out and who I’m special to .
It’s very hard to get used to this new way of being …of living without him . I hate it but we have no choice other than to get on with it and try to keep our mood as stable and positive as we can which is a really difficult task given the drastic change in our circumstances …,on our own instead of part of a couple .
We are still in shock I think and probably will never really get used to it . We can only do our best .
Sending you hugs
Romy xxxx
I miss the everyday simple things like just touching each other. Laughing at nothing. His simple presence in the room with me. It truly saddens me to realize how much we take for granted. Then it’s gone in the blink of an eye. How is this our life now?
I know Morr
One minute I was tucked up in bed talking to my husband about the day ahead , the next .,.having got up to go to work …he had collapsed with a sudden cardiac arrest and was dying in front of me . I don’t think you can ever really get over the shock of something like that . He was resuscitated but never regained consciousness and passed away three days later in intensive care following further cardiac arrests . He had also suffered brain damage from the initial arrest . How a person can go from being happy and alive to fighting for their life within minutes is absolutely shocking . But that is the reality of life for some of us who have lost loved ones like that . No warning or time to say goodbye . People have said it is a nice way to go . Do they really think I will get comfort from that ? My husband was a clever , loving , fun , dynamic business man and family man in his prime . What happened to him is tragic for him and us and everyone who loved him and that is the end of it . Nothing anyone can say can make it better . Life is both wonderful and cruel . We are in the cruel bit now . We can only do our best
Hi Sadie, I didn’t know that Monday was going to be a bad day for you otherwise I would have been in touch. I am not sure how I will cope as I don’t really want to remember that day or the events leading up to it but want to think about him. Watching someone you love slowly die in such pain is traumatic never to be forgotten experience, but then, however we lose someone we love and who is so important to us is equally a trauma.
I so longed to be able to touch Brian again and when it was my birthday in September he came to me in the middle of the night and I was touching his hands and face and can remember it so clearly as it was so real. I asked him if he loved me and he said he did. How good it was but I haven’t had any contact with him since and am waiting for the next time eagerly.
I know that Brian and I was meant to be together also as both of us had been married twice before and had pretty awful previous marriages. We felt failures and that marriage was not meant for us. It was sheer chance that we both went to the same venue that night and met up. Not love at first sight but a friendship to start with that grew into love and marriage and thirty years together that blotted out previous failures. Third time lucky, and meant to be.
I have been on my own before and thought I would cope but it’s different. Part of us has been ripped away and we have to compensate somehow for only being half a person.
I too miss having him to talk to especially when I’m worried or sad. I reach for him when I wake up in the morning, now I have only his photograph to hug.
For sure we will never be the same again.
Yesterday I had one of those emotional days that drain every ounce of strength from you. I was not good company and cried most of the time and couldn’t wait to go to bed. I only slept for an hour or so and was awake again and watching TV cuddling one or both of my dogs. Today however has been much better.
Hope you had a better day today.
Like the others that have replied, I feel the same. Just miss my husband each and every day, tired of ‘painting ‘ that smile on my face for all to see. Tired of saying ‘ I am fine’ when clearly I am not. Miss him each and every hour of each and every day. Why I ask myself every day did he have to go ? He was loved so much, he was a good kind person who who would go out of his way to help people. Miss his smile, his silly jokes , his strong arm around me, how do we go on ? Where do we go when you have lost your soul mate ?
Hi I too feel lost. Martin was my soulmate I am so alone without him. Yes i have family and friends around me but it isnt the same. When you have that person in your life that you look forward to seeing and being with everyday, how do we carry on without them? We just have to i suppose. I have ok days and really down days and when those down days happen i cant lift myself out of them, i just cry constantly. My counsellor says thats normal let it happen and i know its right, but the empty feeling is just unbearable. I miss Martin so much, I have only dreamt about him 3 times since he died but those dreams are so vivid when they happen and they stay with me, I wish i could dream about him every night. I miss his voice, his smile, everything about him but mostly his LOVE!! I am so glad i have our dog Lily i dont know where i would be without her…but still Martin is who I need beside me, I hope there is a place where we meet up after we pass because at least that is something to look forward to I cant wait to see him again and be together forever again.
I feel the same as you but regarding both my parents. 21 years ago my dad aged 53 was in bed one morning and asked my mum if he could have a cup of tea. When mum came back my dad was dead, having suffered a massive heart attack. No goodbyes, just shock and I thought this awful experience was going to be a one off in my life. Yet 4 months ago I took my beloved mum aged 74 into hospital for a routine operation. The nurses told me to come and collect mum the following lunchtime and told mum she would be having a nice cup of tea with me the next day. I watched my mum happily walk down to theatre and we joked that we would be having a glass of wine together on holiday together a few weeks later.
Mum never came out of the operation having suffered a massive brain bleed for reasons unknown.
I have been left blindsided by this and just cannot accept that my mum has gone from laughing, walking, talking and enjoying life to being dead.
People say things like, at least your mum didnt suffer, at least she didnt know the ravages of very old age, at least you didnt have to say goodbye and other unhelpful comments. I dont think I will ever get over the shock and sudden deaths of my parents and will never be the same person x
Hi C1971, I am so sorry to hear of the tragic deaths of your parents, I cannot imagine the shock and pain you are in. Nothing I can say will make it better I suppose, but know that we on hear feel your pain and we all have to carry on. People dont realise what they are saying at times and I can only imagine they have never lost a loved one like we have. Take care of yourself xx
Thankyou I know things arent said maliciously, they are just unbelievably insensitive at times. That’s why I get laid of comfort on this site. Everyone understands and some have been through so much worse than I have x
I agree. I can so relate to your feelings. Tired of being tired. Tired of painting a smile on my face of saying ‘ i am ok ‘ when clearly not ok ,! 18 months on it does not get any easier. Like you I miss everything about my beloved husband who was taken too soon. What do we do ? We just have to carry on and pretend to that world out there that we are ‘fine’