Hi Pat
He came to me last night!!! I have been asking him to come and visit me because my body aches because I do miss his hugs and his hand around my shoulder! I just want be be held really tight and be told all is ok!
And he came!sp nice to see him
This has been a challenging week, I feel really drained and exhausted!! But now I my heart feels more at peace
Love
Sadie xx
Lost soul your name say it all, we are lost!! Gradually I suppose we will find our way and gradually we will learn to be comfortable with our grief and our loneliness!!
Hope you have a good weekend
Sadie x
Hi Sadie,I’m so pleased he came to you at last. I am on a high the day afterwards, with a feeling of strength again, unfortunately it doesn’t last and I am left longing for his next visit. I know that when I dream of him and it’s strong and vivid it is a visitation.
I know what you mean, you never dream that such simple things when they’re alive is going to become such a big thing after they are gone do you. I find myself touching his photographs, touching his hands and face, even his knee’s in the photo’s of him in shorts. He never liked his knee’s, he said they was too bony, well I thought they was lovely and I still touch them to let him know this.
It’s been asked where does this leave us. Goodness know’s, grief has no mercy.
Pat xxx
I cannot see a future for me without my husband.
Hi Morr
I know how impossible it feels to think of a future without him. Next Monday it will be 2 years since I lost Clive and I still can’t imagine the years stretching out ahead of me without it feeling that it will be impossible for me to cope without him.
If you will accept some well meant advice from a stranger, my own experience is that it’s better not to let yourself think about “the future”. Just think about “today”.
Today you will get up, have a shower and breathe. That’s all. Your only job today is to breathe in and out until it’s time to go back to bed. Don’t think about tomorrow or next week. Just get yourself through today.
I’m just starting to plan things a little way ahead now - next week, or even next month - but it’s taken me 2 years to get this far and, on the (still frequent) bad days, I revert back to just thinking about “today”.
Think in hours, not weeks, months or years. A waking day is 16 or 17 hours - i can cope with that. 16 or 17 years - not so much.
I can feel your pain in the few words you’ve written and completely empathise with how you’re feeling. I wish there was something I could say that would help you but the only thing I can do is hold your hand across the miles and tell you that you’re not alone, there are people out here who have truly been where you are and who, like you, are trying to deal with pain none of us could ever have imagined it was possible to bear.
Please, just try and get through Today.
Morr, Skywise said it right - one day at a time
It is 1 year since I lost Jack - and I still do one day at a time , I do write down in my diary some future arrangements but o don’t think or worry about them I just live today
Hope your Sunday is ok
Safie x
Today I’ve actually had quite a good day - the first in what seems like forever.
Someone told a joke in work and I laughed. An actual honest to goodness laugh! I waited for the guilt to crash in, because it always does, but it didn’t and the cloud lifted for a little while.
I’ve also picked up my guitar for the first time in over 2 years. My fingers are stiff and uncooperative and the strings desperately need changing, but I managed to pick out a couple of songs and it felt good - I had an hour of feeling peaceful.
I don’t really know why I’m telling you all this - it’s a load of nothing really - I just wanted to put it “out there” that, today, I had some good moments.
Never is it a load of nothing to feel these moments of peace and even happiness.
Thankyou for sharing this with us, we need to be told, we need to share the better times as well as the desperate and sad ones. I often write about my day when I have been walking or working on our allotments, when I have felt those moments of contentment and seen that distant light.
Interested that you play the guitar as my husband was a musician and I felt so bad about selling his many instruments but it was that or back into the loft. So they are out there being played and hopefully on stage again.
I still have his keyboard though and wondering if I can learn to play it. Perhaps even have lessons.
I hope you and everyone will manage to find those ‘feel good’ moments again.
xxx
Yes Mor. Keep your thoughts to one day or even one hour. It’s too tiring to think of a future. When I wake up I have no idea if it’s going to be a shit day or a reasonable day. What will this day bring.
Take care xx
You should definitely learn to play, you’re never too old to start lessons. As your husband was a musician, I’m sure he would be thrilled that you’re using his keyboard and I’m also sure it would make you feel closer to him - learning to do something that he loved so much.
I’ve just booked a lesson with a guitar teacher who lives in the same village as me - I’m going on Wednesday. I never really learned to play properly, I could just bang out a few campfire songs, but I’m going to do it properly this time, it will give me something to do on these long winter nights and Clive loved his music so I’m going to learn his favourite songs so I can play them for him.
I’m scared to death because I’m not very good around people any more and my concentration span is pretty much zero, but I’m going to do it anyway.
xxx
Hi Morr,
I’m so sorry to hear about you feeling like there’s no future without your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling here.
There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community.
This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can
attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling
You deserve care and support so please, Morr, get in touch with one of
these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or
contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Michelle
Online Community team
Dear C197/
What you have been through is truly shocking
First your Dad …and now your mum
Life can be so , so cruel
I hope you have people around you who you can talk to and who will support you
I know what you mean when you say you don’t think you will ever be the same again .
I feel like that too
It’s like part of me has gone missing
The joy has gone even though me and my girls do our best to keep going
Sending love and hugs on this most painful grief journey
Romy xxxxx
Yes Pat - learn the guitar!!!
It is always good to learn something new and you will probably feel closer to Brian
Sadie xx
WEll done Skywise - I think it is so important not share our difficult moments but also to share the small and important moments we manage to feel strong again
Yesterday I went to London for high tea- I haven’t been to London for more than a year even though we are just 1/2 in the underground - but I would only go in the underground wJack ( it is a long story) and yesterday I was with one of my daughters.
We had a good time even stopped for a drink afterwards - my daughter stayed for dinner and it was a very nice day. This is a sign of healing, a sign that Jack’s love is still here supporting me - he has always looked after me and he is still looking after me
Sadie x
Hi, You have given me the initiative to have a go at learning to play his keyboard. Like you I don’t feel that comfortable with people and certainly never played a musical instrument. Now I have to find a teacher locally, otherwise it will be me on my own. Best of luck with your lessons, let us know how you get on.
xxx
Dear Romy,
I lost my partner five months ago we were together 26 years, I miss him terribly. I do get up and do the day. I find myself keeping incredibly busy with work, and have joined a couple of classes but this is resulted in me feeling really tired and I’m not sure how long I keep this busy lifestyle up . I have been through a mixture of emotions, to name a few, sadness, anger and now guilt, guilt that I’m still living and he is not. Before my partner passed of a sudden second heart attack I was experiencing very bad anxiety, I am now blaming myself for feeling like this prior to his passing, he was my Confidante and was able to lift me, and was a constant companion and reassurance to me. He should of been taking care of himself more, and not having to worry about me. I feel I should not have been feeling like I was but at the same time we had experienced a lot of emotional upheaval during our time together and that it took its toll on us both. He was so kind to me and I loved him so much, I miss his cuddles, the security he provided me with and our chats and laughs we had together. I’m still crying daily and at the moment I’m not feeling well with a chest infection. I do try to remain calm and strong just am struggling at the moment. I know life will never be the same and I have to live with this it’s just so hard. I have accomplished things since his passing and I do keep reminding myself of that it’s just everything is so very different now. I’m just learning to accept these different emotions and trying not to fight against them. Love to all those who are experiencing this hard road we are now on. Xx
Heartbreak
Dear Heartbreak
Yes everything is so different now
It is not meaningless but it just doesn’t feel right without my husband
To be honest I can’t even use meaningful language to describe how I feel any more .
I am just fed up of doing life without him and that’s the be all and end all of it . I miss him and everything we did together , planned together , talked about together , shared companionable silences together …just every single bloody thing .
Getting into bed with him , poking him if he snored, talking non stop to him whether he was listening to me or not , working together in our business …just every bleeding thing …so ordinary but so special to me and him …and gone in an instant
It sucks
I am sorry I am no help to you this evening
I am doing loads of stuff . I don’t stop . But at the end of the day when I get into bed I can’t really relax like I could when I could snuggle up to my husband and go to sleep knowing that we would do it all again tomorrow and that we would feel safe knowing we were there for each other no matter what life three at us . That’s all gone now . Just me to do life for the both of us till we meet again sometime never …and it’s flipping hard work doing it without him and feeling like this . Hope you get some sleep tonight
We need it to keep going without them
Sending lots of love and hugs
Romy xxxxx
Dear Romy, you expressed so well how I feel. As you say the small and unimportant things we did together! I miss him holding my hand, or putting his hand on my shoulder.
I miss the strength he gave me just by been there … always supportive
Do you find that although we keep doing stuff our heart doesn’t feel light!
Today is 1 year to the day of Jack’s funeral - so many people came , I don’t think he knew how much he was liked and respected .
But as you say life goes on in such an odd and lonely way
Sadie xx
Dear Sadie
Life certainly feels odd these days
It’s like a jigsaw with lots of the pieces missing . We know what the finished jigsaw used to look like in all it’s glory but now no matter how much we hunt for the missing pieces to complete the picture we know we will never find them …gone forever
The only consolation is my love for my husband remains intact . Nothing can touch that and that’s what gives me , you , all of us , the strength to get up each and every day and carry on with our broken lives
We have been through so many emotions since last year . It has certainly taken its toll . Today will undoubtedly do the same babes bringing back memories of Jack’s funeral .
It’s hard to concentrate when our heads are full of such stuff . I’m glad you could put it down for a little while when you went into London recently for afternoon tea I think you said ? We need nice stuff to distract us now and again . I sometimes wonder how much upset and distress a person can cope with before actually losing the plot !
Anyway babes we will keep on trucking on and doing our best every day . It’s what our husbands would expect of us . To be strong even when we feel weak and to show how much we love them by refusing to give up even when we feel virtually overwhelmed by grief .
Sending you big hugs today and always
Love Romy xxxxx
Hi all, I’m oh so very tired of trying to make sense of each day. I get up, go for a walk with the dogs, I actually enjoy the walks and the chats I have with other dog walkers but all the time I feel as if I’m living a dream. Something is missing.
Romy, you have said it all. I miss every single thing you mentioned. I also poked Brian in the ribs if he snored (which he rarely did). I chatted away to him when sometimes I could see he would rather read his book but he would always put the book marker in place and shut the book to listen.
Yes, we have to dig deep to find that strength to get out of bed and go through the motions of being something like ‘normal’ as it’s expected of us.
Your a great bunch and help me to find that strength so thankyou.
Pat xxx