I can’t see a future on my own

My husband of 50 years passed away recently. The pain is terrible. When he passed away I wanted to go with him.
I can’t see a future without him. Our children have been amazing whilst he was ill. My husband was let down by the hospital. I feel guilty I could not make him better. The emptiness and loneliness especially at night goes on and on. One of the hardest things is people don’t want to talk about him. It’s as if after the funeral everything is back to normal. People ask how you are but all you can say is I’m fine thanks, because you can’t say my head feels like it’s exploding and the pain goes on and on. I don’t want to burden my children because they are coping with their own grief.

Hi Ann2 I feel the same as you. My husband has been gone 6 months and I just feel that I’m staring into a vast black hole every day. I know what you mean about replying I’m fine as you can’t put into words how you’re really feeling. You feel that you can only talk to people that have been through this . I feel like I’m boring people with my grief and that hurts as that is my life now. I did have some counselling sessions but they came too late for me. I felt that when they started I didn’t really need them. I talk to husband all the time and the dog. My daughters have been amazing and I am also aware that they are still grieving and still feeling their dads loss. I was in such a dark place and the girls encouraged me to get a puppy which I did. That dog saved me. It is so hard to describe how I feel, I just know I feel his loss every day and miss him so so much. It will be our wedding anniversary next week I don’t know how I’m going to be that day. I can already feel the emotions rising. Keep coming on here and people’s will talk to you, it’s a really good forum, we are all going through the same thing. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

Oh Ann2 I totally understand and feel the same as you right now. My brave Husband Kev passed away 3 weeks ago after a long battle with cancer and I cant see how I will start my life over without him. Obviously i will have to but i just dont know where to begin. I feel so lost and sad and scared without him. People keep checking up on me and it’s just easier to say I’m okay, but I’m not okay. I am just trying to get through lockdown one day at a time. For me the worst time of the day is bed time. That’s when I miss him the most and I cry myself to sleep in my big, cold, empty, lonely bed. I’m trying to keep really busy to make the time pass. All we can do is take things one day at a time. Sending you a hug and I’m sorry for the loss of your husband xx

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Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry for your loss. The loneliness is overwhelming. My children ring every day but night time is so bad. I haven’t been able to sleep since he fist got ill. He started being ill at the end of September and died 12 weeks later. People say men can live with prostrate cancer, but his was so aggressive.
I think I’ve done the practical things. But having to do things on my own is daunting. We have always been independent, and I don’t want to be a needy mum. I am doing things on my own . I feel guilty that after a lifetime of working he was robbed of his retirement. I’m left with everything now but material things don’t matter when there is no one to share them with. Sending you a hug back and take care. Xx

Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry for your loss. It is very early days and Only someone who has been through this can understand how you feel. When a person said to me she new exactly how I was feeling, I was so upset and told her no she didn’t. She said yes she did. I told her that her husband had gone to the shop, my husband was not coming back. I know what you mean about saying you’re ok. It’s easier than saying how you really feel.
Yes it’s one day at a time. Take care and look after yourself. Xx

New to this site your reply mirrored my grief. My John passed away just one month ago after a 7 years battle with advanced prostate cancer. For many of those years I anticipated his end and grieved and shed many tears. He tried so hard not to leave me not wanting me to be lonely, and not himself being without me.
Ultimately as with so many others cancer took him from me, so much pain that I have some relief that he suffers no more. But oh the heartbreak, the emptiness the endless tears.
One day at a time is all, I like you can do. Alone through lockdown, and as I have leukaemia shielding myself means a lonely foreseeable future.
Not sure if this site is for me but meanwhile sending hugs and strength to all .

It’s 4 months since I lost my husband. He had a heart attack which resulted in a cardiac arrest they got him back but we had a roller coaster 2 weeks the day before he died the doctor told me she was happy with everything and he was weak. He was sedated all this time so I never got to talk with him. I thought I had turned a corner but since this weekend everything is too much again

Hi devestated, Four months is not long you are still in the very early stages of grief. You will still be suffering from shock and disbelief that this has happened. My husband also had a heart attack very sudden and unexpected and it’s been 6 months for me. I still cry most days but find now that I have a few days respite before it overwhelmes me again. The lockdown doesn’t help keeping us apart from our family and friends who are our support network. You can’t believe all the plans you had for the future have gone and you are now on your own. All of us on the forum feel exactly the same, chat to others on here everyone can empathize with you and can offer support and compassion.
V xx

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Dear @Ann2 I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband it must be very hard. I wanted to reach out and to welcome you to this community and to Thank you for this post that I hope will bring comfort to you as it has already other members to know that you are not alone with these feelings. We are here to help and support and provide a place where you can feel safe to share how you are really feeling openly. We are here to support in any way we can do please do not hesitate to ask.
Ailie

My husband also had prostrate cancer. He was diagnosed only 12 weeks before he passed away. I couldn’t accept what was happening but went straight into caring mode. I feel guilty that I couldn’t make him better, although I know I couldn’t. I try to keep busy but everything reminds me of him. And what he is missing.
Lockdown makes things so much more lonely although I speak to my children every day it’s not the same as being with them. As everyone says it’s just one day at a time. X

Morning Ann2
your heartache is my heartache this pain of loss is unremitting. Like you I have been alone, looked at the garden and thought the same thoughts as you. How he was looking forward to sitting outside but the weather only improved only when he was too ill to struggle out. He was diagnosed 7 years ago and each year filled with horrendous side effects and pain, culminating in broken bones and shattered pelvis. I doubt if at the moment any comfort is to be found that will ease our pain, but at least we know that we do not suffer alone.

This lockdown has only made our bad situation worse, no one to hold us and say it will be ok you will get through this. I find myself holding it together until after my daughter has chatted to me in the morning, then I can cry and sob without distressing anyone. I have Cll so will continue to be isolated for some time, I so hope that you are otherwise healthy and can get around a little when rules are relaxed.
I know you will wish your husband had the 7 years mine did, and yes there was love and closeness, but I wish it had been quick and he did not have to suffer for all those years. No easy answer to this horrific cancer yet men still think it not important to take the simple PSA test.

Stay safe and know that you are not alone, I understand and share your pain.

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Hello Ann and Misjay. My story is very similar to you both and I knew for years that my husband had C
On the forum I see so often members saying that the shock of losing their loved ones suddenly is horrendous and the worst possible. I know it is I lost my father at a young age suddenly but to know that you are losing them and as it has proven with myself and Misjay the years can be a blessing, just to have them with you but to know that you are going to lose them is a torture I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My husband had a good quality of life through most of this time but his last months of pain and becoming frail will remain with me for the rest of my life. Would I rather that he went to sleep and peacefully left me than face what he had to. A gentle kind man that didn’t deserve to suffer so much. I nursed him single handed to the end, he remained at home and died here as he wanted, I tried my best to look after him but like you have thoughts that I might have been able to do more for him., why couldn’t I make him well again Shock of sudden death or a painful long drawn out one. No one can answer but I have to work hard at remembering my husband as the handsome fit husband and not the poor shell of a man he was at the end.
I have been on this journey longer than you and have had time to adjust to being alone so this lockdown has made very little difference to my life. I do a long walk everyday with the dogs and a keen gardener with a large piece of land to care for, I enjoy Yoga, exercise and dance so I am able to keep busy. Which for me is the answer. I have to accept that I cannot go to classes or socialise and am otherwise isolated. All I can say is that you do learn to cope, you will find a way but don’t rush things and let yourself grieve.
xxx

Hi Ann2,
Your thoughts could have been mine.
I really can’t see a future.
My family are great and I love them so much but I miss my life with my husband. Not only the love, but the company and someone to live life with. I miss someone to talk to, someone on my wave length.
I really dont want to carry on with this life.
Before the lockdown I hadn’t spent a day on my own since my husband died.
The loneliness is unbearable.
Nothing seems to be right. Even friends I have known for years, seem different.
I dont know how to carry on.

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Hello Carera,

I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling at present. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Take care,

Audrey,

Online Community team

Thank you for your reply. Sometimes people ask if you are ok. But don’t know how to deal with how you really feel. Having read a lot of people’s messages and feelings I realise how many people are going through the same things. Even though everyone on here are dealing with their own grief ,I realise I’m not the only person going through this devastating time. I know my life will never be the same again, x

Thanks Audrey,
I find it too difficult to talk about how I feel.
I have emailed the Samaritans but that took a lot of writing and deleting until I eventually sent it.
I am finding life difficult, even though its been two and half years. We had been together since 1978.
Oh well.
Thank you for your reply.

Evening MissJayandPattidot . So many of us feeling so many emotions. I’ve been to some dark places but for the last few days have felt a little better. Keeping busy all the time has been helping. But now all the jobs he did I have to do. But today I’ve been awake since 3am. I have been painting my decking. He used to do it but I want to be independent and not have to rely on other people, so have been doing it my self. Suddenly out of the blue I felt so overwhelmed and just sat and cried. I though I was starting to cope.
All the emotions came again.
At least he had a short illness and I’m thankful he did not suffer for long . My heart goes out to you having to see your husband suffer for so long.
I really can’t think beyond tomorrow, and to be truthful I don’t really care. I don’t want a future on my own.
Please take care. Sending my love.

It’s 4 months now since Steve died, I have no family, my feelings are getting worse by the day, I contemplate suicide every day, I only keep living for my old dog. I truly believe I will go when he does, the pain is too much to bear, it just doesn’t stop

Hi Mag. I lost my darling John suddenly 4 months ago and my world just fell apart. Reading your post I felt it was one that I could have written word for word myself. I have Lou a much loved elderly basset and I could’nt leave her but when she goes whats going to keep me here. I just hope that John’s there waiting for me.
The only differance is that I do have family and this is going to sound really ungrateful but even when we could meet up coming home at the end of the day Johns not here to have a cup of tea with and say come on then tell me all the news. Also to have to pretend everything is ok when inside you just feel a mess. I just find that its all so very hard.
I’ve just read this post through again before i send it and i’m sorry that it’s not full of positive thoughts but maybe just to know that someone else is feeling very much the same. Take care. gay x

Thanks for responding, it gives me no relief to know that you are hurting as I am, people say it takes time ! How we get through it I don’t know, I can feel your pain, it gets worse everyday knowing that you will never see your best mate again x