I can't accept that my Dad is gone...

Hi…My Dad died last month…5 weeks ago. It was sudden, unexpected, a complete shock. He was a strong, hale and hearty man of 73…I spoke to him on the Wednesday morning…he died on the Thursday. Nothing seems to make sense…
I keep thinking it’s been a mistake and he’s still alive. I feel all over the place… and I keep thinking I should have known something was wrong. I’m tied up with should have, could have, why didn’t. … it’s endless…My heart is completely broken and I don’t know how I will regain the strength to be a good mum to my children or to really do anything meaningful again. I feel like it must be a dream…but I know it isn’t.

Thank you so much Purple Dreamer. Your words have helped me so much this morning. So sorry to hear what you went through when you lost your Dad too. I think what you say about being unable to process such a sudden loss is absolutely true. You can’t see the future so how can you know what’s coming. Nothing makes much sense at all but I hope it will eventually. I’m trying my best to be at peace with the situation…people try to reassure saying 'but your Dad is at peace now ', and i believe that he is… did you have anyway that helped you to process your thoughts? Did you have much support when your Dad died??I still speak to mine all the time and feel that he isn’t gone. There are still so many questions and mysteries though…thanks so much for sending hugs and support.
Best wishes
MJ

Hi, mj , my name is jane… I feel for your situation, im 6yrs into dad dying and still am trying to deal with my own demons over it… if I may suggest, go to grief counselling, (I didnt and I struggle with emotions now)… last yr I did 26 weeks in psychology, am now in emotional couselling and undergoing hypnotherapy to help with the demons in my head… I advise to talk sooner before later, would not wish my symptoms on anyone… good luck xx

Aww sweetheart what an awfull shock losing Dad like that. I’m new here. Just sending you love and wishes. X

Dear Jane,
Thanks so much for your message. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles since losing your Dad…thanks for being so honest. I am on a waiting list for counselling and I pray that it will help. I hope that you are feeling the positive benefits of psychology and emotional counselling. How are you finding the hyponotherapy? I am intrigued to know more…esp after some of the experiences I’ve been having lately. PM if you would prefer. Best wishes and thanks again, MJ

I found the hypnotherapy, exhilarating… I was so close to my dad, there isn’t a day goes by that he isn’t there in my head… She helped me to see past the grief, and when I start to get upset, my subconscious goes to a place of happy times, as I was taken over with the guilt and the death… She also helped me with the depression, to channel it, and things to do to settle the situation with relaxation therapies, and destressing techniques… Its not a cure by any means, but bearable… Your grief is still in the early stages, and hope yr counselling works … I know the suffering your feeling. Any time u need to talk …

Thank you so much Anunciata. It means a lot to receive your warm wishes. Sending some your way too!!

Thank you so much Jane. Reading your words gives me such hope. I will keep in touch. Your journey sounds so profound. Best wishes, MJ

Good luck , don’t assume it will be over once you been to the counselling . far from it… Each day will be a trial for you, a smell, a intimate thing, a song, anything with a memory will trigger your mind set back to your grief… It just becomes easier to cope with on an average day… On the special days is dependant on how strong you are, those days will take every ounce of strength you have… Fathers day, birthdays, Christmas etc… Find something in your past that you liked to do, and keep going to them places, I liked going to the park with dad… Being outside… I now have something to look at outside when I need to see him… I named a star in the sky after my dad they give me comfort to know he watches over me from time to time…

Hi Jane
I hope you have been keeping ok. How are you feeling these past few days?
For me it’s been a bit up and down.
Today I felt really down and wobbly, and just couldn’t get through my head that my Dad is gone! !! I can’t accept it. Try not to think about what’s happened and feel really low. Up until now I thought I was managing…now I just want to sleep, hide and run away from this life. Sorry to moan.
mj

Hi MJ,

I have read your post and completely understand how you are feeling. My dad died suddenly almost 3 weeks ago and I am just distraught.

My dad was a keen cyclist, he went miles and had been very successful in his racing career. Four weeks ago today he had a bleed on the brain in his spinning class and was put on an end of life plan within 2 days following another bleed.

He was only 69 and super fit. Ironically it was a side effect of blood thinning meds he was taking that caused it. He was ‘unlucky’ that he was one of the 2% affected.

I feel like me world has ended. We’ve always been super close and I can’t accept that I won’t ever see him again. I miss him terribly but knowing that’s it is killing me.

Friends who have lost parents have told me that they still struggle months / years on but it gets that there are more good days then bad. Right now for me they are all bad and I feel like I’m at the bottom of a never ending mountain.

I really feel for you and hope that you take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Janet x

Its not moaning, I fully understand, and it is a rational thing to feel your loss, with emotional and hard to handle issues, that are thrust on you… Just because u can’t see them doesn’t mean they’re not there. They will get stronger, I can tell you that much… They will creep up on you when u least expect … You don’t know how strong you are until you have to be, and you really do have to gather all that strength , but that doesn’t mean you don’t ask for help, if it gets too much… I tried to martyr thru, went back to 16 hr shifts, caring for my partner who got Ill, and stroppy teenage tantrums, it spirals at 100 miles an hr… Give yrself ample time to grieve, but if u feel its worsening at any time, promise me you’ll seek that help!
I’m fluing at the min… Take a day at a time, but feel a lot better and more at ease with his death, since the counselling… Its can be upsetting at first but once you take that first step, it becomes therapeutic…

Dear Janet
Please accept my sincere condolences. I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss. With the sudden ness of your Dad’s death, it must be such a devastating time for you, especially given the fact that his condition was brought on as an unforeseen side effect of medication! ! It is so unfair. I really am so sorry. It sounds as though you have been dealt a very harsh blow. I struggle sometimes to understand the situation which confronts me. It’s quite overwhelming on some days.
Do you have any support around you? I’ve found this site to be such a life line. It makes me feel much less alone. But grief does keep you in a lonely place that no one else can reach ( it seems to me at any rate).
Warm wishes of support to you and yours
Joy

I thought I was doing a bit better lately. But sometimes I think that I must have misunderstood something, because my Dad must be alive? It must be a mistake. Despite the funeral…my mind isn’t processing him not being here.

Different people react in different ways to a personal death… It was 2 yrs before I really started the grief process, my brain was in denial, carry on as usual with daily life, just in a bubble of mist ( dazed and unaware) … It was like someone else was running my body, I was defunct of all the emotion everyone else was showing… After that was when other emotions took over… Your feelings are unique to your loved one, how u cope with it is your way of getting through… There is no right or wrong way to deal with it, you just do it to the best of your ability… Just know that its not logical, and you will come out the other side stronger… It will never be easy but will surely test your strength … You will get through this, there is always someone willing to help xxx

Thank you so much for this. It’s such a confusing time. I’ve put a post up about a recurring dream which I’ve been having too. Hope you are managing ok at the moment…I feel like an empty shell somedays. …nothing means anything although I try not to show it too much. …thank you
mj

There’s no manual for this, if there was it would be so much easier to handle… I had a dream where he came and told me “it was it time” regularly after he died… Time for what ? Could be anything… You will drive yourself crazy trying to get your head around something you can’t possibly understand, or explain… If its giving you comfort I would say roll with it, if its distressing you, the seek some help to understand it better… You’re not losing your mind you’re not going crazy, you’re just human with an overwhelming amount of raw emotion and grief, that you don’t know how to control yet… It will take time, and I will always listen… Its good to talk!! Don’t bottle it up, that will destroy you inside …

MJ, given that you are five minutes in, I’m not surprised that you haven’t “accepted”
your beautiful dad’s death. I actually don’t like the notion that we need to “accept” a loved one’s death - I think “accommodate” is a better word - it implies making room in our souls for the loss. I’m so sorry you lost your dad Louise xxoo

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Am trying to roll with it I guess. …and stay on form as much as I can for my kids…but I’m sooo tired and just want to block everything out sometimes. Thanks for the message, it really helps. We are all in it together but it’s such an emotional minefield…

Hi Louise, thanks for the message. Am so sorry too for the loss of your lovely husband…I know from reading some of your posts that it’s been really hard for you lately facing 2 years since he passed. I hope you are able to have some better days intermittently. I keep feeling that there was so much 'unfinished business ’ that never got resolved before my Dad died…I’m really concerned about my mum. She seems quite numb at the moment and isn’t keen to talk to anyone…it’s so awful for everyone. …thanks so much for the message xx

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