He has been by my side for 34 years and now he’s gone. I was content, happy, excited for the future and now…uneasy, miserable and cant wait for the future to come and take me to him. Everywhere i turn, the reminders are there that he is not. How am i going to cope without him . He was my rock, my reason for living, my reason for getting up in the morning and making a secure future for us. He was mine and i was his and now nothing. There is no reason for me to get up in the morning, go to work for what, to come back to an empty house go to bed for it begin again. Who would miss me i ask myself, then i here Colins voice in my head…i dont want a future without him in it. They say that it does get easier…how is that possible when the reason for breathing has gone and is not coming back no matter how many times i pray, beg agree to give up my soul for it to be back as it was just 3 month’s ago. Please, anyone, tell me it will get easier, show me it gets easier please.
I so relate to how you are feeling…I repeat that same phrase about 20 times everyday. I feel the same almost 9 months later. I AM coping…but I don’t want to. Sorry I can’t offer you anything more. I also am assured that it gets easier, but I await a spark of some positivity…I continue to wait…sending love 
I fully understand where you are coming from, i lost my husband after he was in critical care in the hospital for four & a half months, i was at the hospital for 8 hours every day just sitting with him, i too can see no way forward without him here beside me, we had been together for over 38 years & we were always together & people always said that where one of us was then the other was sure to be near, now i see no point to life without him, im not sleeping or eating & have lost three & a half stone in weight, i go to bed at night just praying not to wake up again in the morning, i so want to be with him again
@nicky1961 I’m 6 months on this journey and I would say it gets easier. Not in how much we love or miss our partners but the all consuming grief. I still struggle but I also have good days. Today was my first anniversary without my husband (would have been our 35th wedding anniversary) so today has been a sad day.
At the beginning it’s all you can do to get up, get more tissues and sob for England. 3 months, it’s still tough, it’s hard and you wonder what the point is and struggle to see any future BUT…
There is a future to have if you want it. You will hopefully get to the point where sobbing is done, the all consuming pain and desolation is much duller, the pain subsides and there are brighter days.
At 8½ months, and believe me I felt like you and i seriously wanted to end it all, I have a life that is good. I have work, I go out and meet friends, I accept every invitation, I’ve been away and booked next year’s breaks, I’ve joined a dance class doing ballroom and Latin. My life has purpose .
I love my partner, I miss him every day and I would still trade it all to have him back but that is not my reality and never will be. I am living life as he would if reversed, except the dancing lol, he wouldn’t have done that, despite the fact that he could dance.
Life is what you get up and make it, I still have tears and bad days, but goes quickly, that’s the reality and I hope in time you will have a life worth having. It does get better!
I feel exactly the same. I lost my husband 5 days ago and i just want to be with him. I love him so much. How am i meant to continue without him? I don’t want to.
Don’t know how we do, but we do I’ve made it through 5 months. How no idea but I have. One foot in front the other is all you can do, take it minute by minute hour by hour don’t look to far ahead x
I thank you all so much for your help and support. I have read your words of support and kindness, they have given me hope that there is light at the end of this so very dark tunnel, which seems to get longer as i go not shorter, but the reassurance i have read that it will get better, has spurred me on to take one step at a time, one minute, one hour.
Thank you.
its been 18 months tomorrow after 48 yrs of marraige, i cried the first couple of months but i realised it was just me feeling sorry for myself, having to be on my own, not having him around to talk to or moan at or do everything for as he was disabled. there are some things i do not miss, his hygene habits the last couple of yrs, the leaving things to be sorted or picked up till the last minute etc. it doesnt matter how long it takes at the ned of the day your life has changed and you have to get on with it whether you like it or not, nothing can be done about it, you cant turn back the clocks unfortunaely. i may sound hard but i am an old school down to earth person
My days just go in a blur. I get up, feed the dog, then go out for an hour. I dont care where I go, but I have to get out. Otherwise, I wouldn’t see a sole from one day to another. I am on week 14 and I get good days and bad. On the good days I do more around the house or go out for cake and coffee. I am dreading christmas as dont want to be sat at a meal on my own.
Lost my husband 9 months ago and every day is just one big struggle. I wake full of anxiety and sadness that my life with him is over. Our marriage wasn’t one of the best but would give anything to have him back. Can’t see any future just existence. Part of me went with my husband but I wish the whole of me was with him. Can’t cope with this life.
Hi Nicky1961,
I totally relate to your indescribable feelings, that was me for months after my beautiful wife of 26 years (Carole) passed away 18 months ago.
I really didn’t want to be alive, I was drinking, contemplating suicide and just unable to see a future without her, I have never felt so lost and afraid.
We were a perfect match, ran pubs together, laughed, loved and just enjoyed life and each other.
Now I am happy to say I look back with love at all our memories, instead of crying and feeling bereft I can smile and realise how lucky I was to have someone so perfect for me for half of my life.
It’s still crap at times knowing she never fulfilled all her dreams and has missed out on whatever the future would have held for her.
I have had to come to terms with this though for my own sanity, I have never been a religious person but do believe her energy/ soul is around me. This has kept me motivated when I have wanted to hide away from life.
I can now smile when a certain song plays that we liked, (although most songs now have hidden meanings for me.) or a country that we visited is mentioned somewhere.
It is obviously subjective how we each feel, for me I can now find joy in things, hoping I can get more of my old spark and enthusiasm back but when I look back a year ago I realise how far forward I am mentally and emotionally.
I hope you and everyone here can manage to find some kind of acceptance and hopefully, happiness.
Joe xx
Opaloka, i am so sorry. It is very very hard to even get out of bed, i know, but you do and you take one step at a time and you breathe in and out.
You have probably got lots of friends and family popping in which does help i found because they knew him and loved him and they there to support you. If you need to be with people, ask them to come and sit and have a coffee or just chat, cry and shout. We are all here if you need to vent. Nicky
Thank you Joe,
your words have made me realise that i am not losing my sanity, what i am feeling and have been tempted to do is not abnormal or psychotic.
The feeling i have of being totally alone is very self indulgent, i am not alone.
My pain is not unique to me but my heart believes it is.
I get up in the morning now and go about my routine because in my head, Colin has already gone to work . I heard him leave that morning, i heard the door close, i could hear him taking the bins out for the days pick up and i didn’t go down to see him off which is not what i usually did, so i can’t underatand why i have all these, shoulda, woulda, coulda’s running around in my head.
Thank you again for your message, it really has helped even if it doesn’t sound like it in my reply, i am grateful for your positivity, it has given me a boost that there is definitely light at the end of this tunnel, i just need to keep going. One day at a time they say, don’t they?
Nicky
Hi Jan 17. It is my birthday Wednesday, the first of many firsts to come i have realised and next Wednesday is our anniversay another first.
I am dreading them. I have returned to work on faze return and have asked to work on both of those days just to distract myself because work on the ward is so full on, i just hope i have made the right decision, i dont think i can just sit in the corner rocking without someone slinging a straight jacket on me and carting me off to the psych ward. Mind you, the girls are brilliant at work, very understanding, very caring, i think they would probably just let me rock whilst having a good supply of coffee on hand.
I lost my wife and best friend today. I am walking around not knowing what to do with myself. I know she has been sick and is now at peace. I just feel so empty ,my children are around but I feel so lonely. I am so tired but cannot sleep.
@nicky1961 I have had many firsts now (I’m 6 months on this journey) the most recent of which would have been our 35th wedding anniversary. I won’t lie these days can be hard, although often the build up is worse than the actual day. I agree, keeping occupied is the key. I also found going back to work a huge help. I hope your birthday and anniversary go as well as they can and you share some happy memories. Take care and keep chatting on here.
@John64, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in july, and the days at 1st were a blur. When my children left to go back to their own homes, I didn’t think I would cope, but I did, and each day, I took baby steps. Sorting out paperwork, funeral plans, and finance take time, but each day, it gets easier. We all have good days and bad days. We all cry more than we want at silly little things, but on this site, we all care. Xx
I understand how you feel. My Husband died in January this year. Everyone tells you that it takes time to get over him. I don’t want to get over him i would like to understand why! We were married for
37 years. We had our ups and downs but we were each others rock.
I want to scream every time i get told its only early days and that i should get on with my life, that’s easier said then done especially when your mobility is limited. I know that’s what my Harry would want me to do but when I’m ready.
Sharon
My husband died in February this year and I get the usual comments from people about how well I look and how amazing I’m doing! Little do they know that underneath it all I am still crying/screaming. Sometimes I go out but it can still be too much, especially when it’s with our friends. There are no rules to this, we just have to do what is best for us and nobody can, or should, be telling us otherwise. You are the only person who knows how you feel and what a big hole it has left. We were married for nearly 43 years so I’m finding it really hard. Take care Gail xx