Today they came to fetch the Hospital bed as my wife died at home.I try to be strong for my daughter, but really I wanted to scream. I just do not know what to do with myself I cannot settle.
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although i told them a day ro two after my dave died, i went round my church about a month later that i had been going to for a long time, up till the lockdowns, hoping for some support. all i got was two of the ones that help run it was “you’re no different, lots of peoples husbands die” not one person from there has ever been in touch to see how i am in 18 months. should have known better, they didnt even ask about his funeral. i havent been back and have no intention of it.
some people it takes yrs to “get over it”, we were married 48 yrs
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Im so sorry for all your losses. This is a tough road we travel and unless youre on it you have no idea how hard it is. I dont think we realise how deeply connected we are to our loved ones. My husband died suddenly no warning signs, he was active and well, 62 and just retired!! Such a shock and such a loss to us all. I looked for hope as like you i wanted to know that it wouldnt always be so distressing and full of despair and yearning. I can only tell you what worked for me and that I am twelve months now. Look after yourself eat and drink well , I know thats hard but its so important. I read lots of books about grief , it was my comfort blanket when i felt panicky and couldnt cope. There are many stories of hope out there and 'The grieving brain ’ explains exactly what is happening in your brain …its so hopeful. Especially in the early days all you can do is take one day at a time. Dont expect to do more than get through the day. Grieve you must and they deserve your grief …I cried and screamed at the beach and in the car. I punched pillows. Talk your story to people that are close to you over and over its healing. I also found that some family and friends were better listeners than others …so keep them close and let them sit beside you through this. I also found a counsellor, they dont take the pain away but are a good ear that you wont upset by sharing your inner most sadness. I found that i am now in a new routine. I hate that hes gone but Im adjusting to the loss and the awful yearning has subsided a little. Its replaced by a quiet sadness, and some days are better, I have learned to lean into small pleasures. I take him with me in my heart and soul and I talk to him all the time. I heed the advise he would give me. Dont get me wrong some days are not so good …grief rises up and overwhelmes me at times but I have learned to go with it and let it be…he deserved it. I am thinking of you all. Youll find your way through this pain to a calmer place where your loved one is still in your heart.
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Marysue,
I read your words and so many have been mirrowed to mine. Most days i describe myself not unlike a duck. I seem so calm to my friends and family who have been with me through all of this and yes, it has only been 3 months, but underneath the surface, i am paddling like made to stay afloat. Inside there is a battle between my heart and my head…stay calm for the children, help guard them through this horror we are all going through and my heart is screaming…i have lost him, he has gone and there is nothing you or anyone can do to bring him back. I go to bed crying and i wake up scared. He was and is the other half of my heart and now that part has gone, how can i carry on with only half a heart…it doesn’t seem physically possible.
The children have been struggling as have we all but thankfully, they have partners to help cushion their grief and give a hand when it over whelms them and i know there are days for them when this happens and i thank God for the support their partners give to them. I hear what you are saying about eating and drinking well, my stomach however disagrees by throwing it back out with…“what the hell do you think you are doing” feeling.
Your words have helped and i thank you for them.
I send hope and love to all and i am stretching out my hand for help.xxxx
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Hi Wayne2,
Im so sorry i made you cry, you don’t need me adding to your tears but it is hard to be the one left behind. You and Julie’s life together sounds a mirror image of Colins and my life, full of adventure, joy and love. Our anniversary is coming up on 24th October then his birthday 13th December, i cant even think about Christmas, they will probably find me rocking in a corner somewhere. I also wish there was a day, or a month when things begin to get bearable but there isn’t, we just have to brace,brace,brace as they say for the emotions that are coming and will keep coming.
I am so glad i have found this forum, an aid to send my feelings, my ups and downs out there, this escape root to stop me from going mad.
I wish there were magic words of comfort that i could write and share and believe me, i have begged for these, but there isn’t so all i can write is thank you and everyone on here for showing me that i am not alone, that there are people who know exactly how i feel and not to be judged but understood xx
Nicky
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Hi John64,
I am sending big hugs because i can’t take your pain away.
Being there for the children is all we can do, we neuture, we protect so it is second nature to keep doing that but you must take time yourself to grieve too. Vent your frustrations out on here, we all understand because we are all feeling it and if this forum helps…go for it…let it out, shout, scream, cry, do whatever you need to keep yourself above water. We are here for you and everyone…we can all do this together.
Nicky
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Hi all
I so wish I could take some of this pain from you all but its comforting to read stories and experiences on this forum that resonate and I can relate to. When my John died I didnt want to be here …I wasnt suicidal but i wanted out of my head because it was too much to bear. To to much. I didnt have any idea how painful this is but also how much fear and panic there is. The anxiety and yearning for him waa overwhelming. The one person I would turn to for support was gone and I was not anchored to the world anymore. At 4 months I went to the place we were married in Wales. I dont know why I did that as it was torture and couples everywhere! I realise on reflection that I was trying to find him…which to anyone else would sound ridiculous but the truth is it was too hard to believe he was really gone. For me at about 11 months I think I started to really accept that he was gone and although i still cry everyday and dont like this life without him I have found a little calm. Some of the early distress has eased and as I said previously I try to take small pleasures which in the early months I couldnt. My thoughts are with you all
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My husband too died at home. The guy who picked up the bed took his time and showed so much empathy, we talked while he worked… I avoid entering the room… the special mattress l had bought for my husband is still there and l feel like something of him is in there… l don’t know how l’ll carry on. The only lights l see at the end of the tunnel are the train’s…
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I haven’t posted on here for a few months . I lost my husband on 24 August 2022. He too died at home, and had a hospital bed, which was in our front room, and in place of our sofa.
Actually only had the bed for 12 days before he died, as his last illness was very rapid. The day they brought the bed to us was a big day. We had to get rid of our sofa, plus our new puppy cake to live with us. Just 12 days later my husband passed away in the bed.
I can still remember the day they came to take the bed away. It was the same man who had bought it to us. He was so kind and understanding. And had to not only take the bed away , but several other items on loan too.
We then had to have a Bohemian style for a couple of months, with just cushions on floor until new sofa I had to order arrived.
Your posts about the bed bought those particular memories back to front of my head
It’s just over a year for me now (14 months on Monday) . Just typing those words 14 months suddenly made it feel so recent!
Life for me remains a big struggle.
I’m sorry to say most things just seem to get harder.
I go out , paint a smile on my face, I go to work 4 days a week ,plus one day a week volunteering on the wards where my husband spent lots of time over the years, I visit the pub every teatime for an hour with our dogs ( as me and my husband did everyday until 2 weeks before he died). But I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe. Everything just goes on around me.
Others think I’m okay, or should be over it/okay. But I’m not.
I used to read and post here a lot, I needed a rest because it was becoming a bit too all consuming.
It was good to read a few posts today, and just felt right to post again.
There’s lots of different names now.
Grief is all consuming and totally exhausting. We all have different grief stories, but we all understand.
Love and hugs to you all 
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Thank you, CathPhil for
posting🙏,
Wishing you and us all here that we find the strenght to carry on.
Social workers l talk to tell me there’s so much strenght in me and l don’t know what they’re talking about… l tell them “it’s in your books, that’s what you learned to say”.
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@Matisse
Hmmm yes, one of those really annoying things people say, “you’re doing so well!”
Just want to shout back “NO I’M NOT!!”
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Hi Cathphil, thank you for your post. I am trying to hold it together for my daughter. I find the quiet times are the worst. I find it impossible to concentrate on anything. I am so grateful for this forum
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Im getting by ok, so far, i think. My husband’s funeral is next week. I have moments of overwhelming grief and loneliness and he’s only been gone a few weeks. I did my first shop for one yesterday. I had no idea what to buy. Just got snack food as can’t yet face making a meal for one. My dog makes me get up and out and i have gone for a few runs. Bed time is the hardest. My husband’s side of the bed has his watch, phone etc…as if he’ll be back home soon. But that’s how i want it.
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Weekends are specially horrible…
If it weren’t for the cats that need me l wouldn’t bother to get up at all. Haven’t had a real, decent meal in months, my husband’s been gone only 10 weeks, but l stopped cooking long before as he could hardly eat anything… No matter how and what we try, this is pure hell.
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One of the few things that gets me through the weeks is that my wife said that she could let go of concern for child as she was solid in the knowledge that I would do a wonderful job of raising our child despite her not being here. I don’t know what the future holds in a few years from now when they are fully independent and living their own life out in the world away from me, but for now I have a job to do and just focus on that, on step at a time when it all seems too hard.
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It really is isnt it ! I was thinking that the pther day ! Its like purgatory! Im 10 months in but still getting the waves of grief and feel some days that i dunno how i can go on without him ? Its so very hard when you have loved someone so very much. Take care. The pain gets easier but still comes in those waves …
You just start to have glimpses of good days xx
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Those waves just build up when you least expect it don’t they. It just happened to me tonight when I was at a friends house, my husband and I used to go over regularly, I so miss him x
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Yep they sure do 
xx
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Hi. Not been on for a few days. Rough time. Been to brother in laws and husbands for dinner where Colin and i went so many times. Heart wrenching that he was not there with us. His brother is heart broken, they had become very close after a few years of not seeing each other very much, life getting in the way sort of thing. We had been out in the caravans for the last few years and had so many holidays booked for next year that have had to be cancelled. My heart breaks for him it really does. I am so glad i have that connection with them both though, when i am with them, it kind of helps my heart being so close to someone who has the same blood running through their veins…is that weired?
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No i know what you mean… i was like that at beginning. Loved being near his brothers but thats worn off a bit now 
xx