I am same Paula E … I might still find someone but time passes … it is very very hard. today I am really on my own. tragic. who would have thought …
So sorry to read you are in a similar place Berit. Also that today has been hard. I found Easter hard and if honest, I’m finding things harder as time passes for some reason. My mum is constantly in my thoughts and as I see the lovely spring colours unfold, I’m so sad that she isn’t here to see them too. She died at Christmas, so in the winter with no leaves on the trees and short daylight too. That makes me sad. I cry every day, multiple times, my eyes just fill every time I think of her even though I know she is with my Dad now, bless them both.
I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you in some way Berit.
X
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Ah, you sound so like me with my Mum. I used to call here and send texts during the day when I was at work and vice versa. As soon as I was in the car, I’d call and We’d speak all the way I drove home! Like you, I couldn’t face work. I had a highly stressful and charged job, asked if I could reduce hours to part time but it wasn’t agreed so I resigned. I’ll have to find something eventually but I’ll take as much time out as I can living on my bit of savings which has started to worry me but I’m grateful I’ve been able to do it as I couldn’t face returning to work right now. Not in that environments anyway. I’m moving too but now the time is getting nearer, I’m worried about that. Am I doing right? I just don’t know. I wish I could speak to my mum, ask her opinion, see what she thought. I miss her so much.
Do take care of yourself.
X
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Hi,
How far away are you moving to?
I miss my mum to. My husband has just stated divorce proceedings and mum is the one I’d of turned to.
Your mum would tell you to do what’s right for you. As mine would tell me.
Here if you need to talk.
Nic xx
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Good morning Nic.
How are you today? Sorry you are going through another horrid life event too.
I live in Kent now, have done with mum and my dad when he was alive for the last 20 plus years. My Dad died in 2007. I’m originally from Essex and my mums cousin, my second cousin and my only other living relative now, has lived there since he was a boy. We had many good times there growing up and in my teens when we had holidays in Clacton ( where my cousins lives )and Frinton. Though it’s not the part of Essex I originally came from, it’s a different part, Mistley, not far from Clacton and Frinton. So, a different place but with some familiarity. When I thought about it, since we came to Kent, there has been some sad times, lost of losses, Dad, many pets, redundancy which affected my confidence for the remainder of my working life and now mum. I worry that I may be doing the wrong thing and that I’ll miss mum even more and so feel lost when I move but then again, it feels like that now anyway. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. It’s also a costly thing to do which worries me, again, can’t speak to mum about it though I wander round the house speaking out loud to her anyway. Equally, staying put will cost me too sometime soon as I have repairs on our home here to do such a flat roof replacement and the like. I have a small number of friends in both Kent and Essex but as a bit of a quiet introvert myself, I can count numbers on one hand. That’s fine as I’d rather have a small number of good friends who I know I can trust rather than lost of acquaintances. I’ll have to think about getting a job when I get there but I’ve two little dogs who have never been left as mum was always with them when I was at work. What a time to be giving up work now with prices going up and up. I keep praying that I’m on the right path even though it feels so scary and unfamiliar. If I could find myself a little job when I could either work from home or better still, take my dogs with me, I’d feel a bit better I think. But, my profession is nursing and a so many jobs are 12 hour shifts. If only I’d been an analyst or accountant or secretary, plenty of working from home opportunities there. Never mind.
Have you had to make many decisions since you mum died Nic? It’s not just the decisions is it though? It’s just everything. I found even when I tried to work, just the pace everyone seemed to be going at and which I was of course used to, was just another world. I did join my two close friends for lunch this week, first time I’ve been out since before lockdown in fact other than a couple of visits to the supermarket as I’d shopped on line for all that time and was trying to see if going myself would be cheaper. My friends are lovely people, one just having had cancer surgery herself with more treatment to come. I struggled with going into a space to have that lunch, to see people round me laughing and loud and having to decide on a sandwich from the menu. I didn’t eat the sandwich, I chose something I didn’t like, I don’t know why. It felt like being in a bubble and once alone in my car on the way home, I drove past places I used to chat with mum on my drive home from work and I cried my eyes out. Everywhere, was where she was and I can’t accept she isn’t with me now, at least in body.
So sorry to store such a long email Nic.
Hope you have a nice day today. Hope to speak again.
X
Good morning,
Wherever you go your mum will be with you and you’ve got your memories also. With the loss of your mum it’s harder to make those decisions but what would your mum say? She’d want you to be happy. I suppose only you know what will make you happy.
My husband wants to sell our home. I don’t really know what to do. I’d love to move away but I have the children to think of. My eldest is happy in her school and it would be unfair to uproot her.
I have not gone back to work yet. I can’t quite face it at the moment. Like you, there are memories everywhere and I’m prone to just crying my eyes out. I went into Asda the other week and they started playing ‘wind beneath my wings’ I broke down completely. Looked like a right idiot.
I have found a lot of friends have distanced themselves from me. I still have my sister thankfully and her kids. But friend wise, a lot of them seem to of vanished into thin air. So even though I have the kids I do feel very alone a lot of the time. My phone is quiet without mum being here. I miss her so much. She was my friend and my mum. Struggle to see how it will get easier.
I hope you are ok and I hope today is ok for you. Always here to chat.
Nic xx
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Hi Nic.
Bless you, I understand the Asda thing too. Doesn’t it also hurt your throat when you try to hold back tears?!
You’re so right, our mums would have wanted us to do what makes us happy, no doubt about that. It’s just that I don’t know what would make me happy right now. I’m grateful for all blessings and they are, thankfully so many. One thing, that I had the wonderful parents that I had and still have. I have good health and my two little dogs and a roof over my head and food on the table, a comfy bed too. I’ve nothing to be unhappy about. Just the deep sadness isn’t it that’s so hard to come to terms with. I agree, so hard to see how it would ever feel any better.
I can understand that you need to put your daughter first. That’s what our mums always did for us. That must be hard to stay where you are when in your heart, you’d like to be able to move away. I hope your employer is being kind to you too.
Most of my friends have drifted away too which I expected and am ok about. I find it hard to chat to them with any real motivation or energy if I’m honest and when they ask if I’m ok, I just say yes because what else can you really say. A couple of them lost their mums in the last year too. They were sad but seem to have moved on, at least outwardly, and are back and work, going out and about etc. but then they had always done that whereas I never have done so maybe grief just makes you more like your true self, I don’t know? My two closest friends haven’t drifted thing and we send messages each week and have a what’s app little group set up for the three of us. I’m lucky to have them.
I hope that the bank holiday weekend is kind to you. I admit, I think after Easter I’ll always likely find bank holiday weekends and such like a bit of a challenge. Many will too of course, I just feel for everyone on this site and wish I could wave a magic wand to bring their loved ones back to them, fit, healthy and happy. As my cousin said to me when we were chatting about our mums and dads who’ve passed away, ‘ wouldn’t it be wonderful if life had a rewind button?’.
Take care Nic and I appreciate chatting to you and thank you for listening,
Paula.
X
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Hi all
I lost my Mum suddenly on the 20th December. It’s been so so hard - we were best friends and went to gigs and festivals and weekends away and holidays together. She has left the biggest of holes in my life and I know I’m not managing anything very well.
I try to put a brave face on so no one worries but the evenings are so tough. My friends have been so brilliant but it just all feels a bit dark and lonely. I know she wouldn’t be happy with seeing me so sad but I just struggle with how totally alone i feel.
I have her dog living with me now - he is such a support - but I also worry about him as I know he misses her too.
If anyone has any experience of bereavement counselling please let me know as it’s something I’ve started but it feels tough.
Jo x
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Hello Jo.
I’m so sorry to read you’ve lost you mum and of your understandable struggle.
I lost my mum on 27th December 2021, 18 weeks now and I feel that hole too. It’s the most dreadful feeling. Mum and I lived together. She was 89 and I’m 58 and after she died, I realised that the longest I’ve ever been apart from my mum was two weeks in my twenties when I went on holiday with a boyfriend.
I’ve thought about counselling but as I used to work at a hospice ( I’m a nurse by profession ), I felt that I’d just try to get through by myself. I don’t think I’m doing very well either but when you think about it, how would any of us know as each of us is unique. In loosing our mums, our best friend isn’t her for us to chat with or confide in as we used to and as we loved them so much and them us, that hole is so massive, I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with it at all.
Like you, mum and I have two little dogs. I wish I could send you a photo of our two. The months and weeks and days before my mum died, I knew the dogs were suffering too in their own way. Everything was different and nothing was going in the right direction. After mum died, it broke my heart not only with mum passing but to see the dogs searching for her, especially when I brought them back from their walks, they would run to her chair like they used to. The house is so quiet, they are not used to it. One of them was even sick every night in the early hours of the morning for about 9 nights on the trot after mum died. It was about the time mum died too. I took the dog to the vets and the vet said the same, most likely anxiety. Her groomer even noticed the change in them.
Why am I telling you all about our little dogs. Well, one thing, I promised mum that I would be ok and had to be as someone had to look after ‘ the girls ‘. I don’t feel ok at all and like you, I put a face on when I have to though I must say, I find that hard in itself and pretty tiring in many ways. I’ve tried to keep a routine going for the girls. I think they are getting better but they still look for mum and a couple of times, I’ve sensed they are looking at something I can’t see. It makes me wonder. I’d love to think that was mum, coming to check on us. I wish I knew!
As I ‘ chat to mum ‘ all the time, telling her how much I miss her and love her, I realise that every time I said mum, they looked up. So, I started to chat with my ‘ mum and dad’, my Dad died 15 years ago and that seemed to put a different tone which they found easier to accept. I cry a lot, still every day. When the tears come, I have to try to make sure the dogs don’t see me as you’ll know how much it upsets them seeing us cry! Mum used to give the girls biscuits when I bought them home from their morning walk. Now, I sit in mums chair and do the same………
So, my girls are my solace Jo. They’ve kept me going this far. Though I feel I could so rakish give up, I know I must to my best for them. So, that’s all I can do for now. Nothing else seems to matter much to me, just to care for them and in doing so, I fulfil a promise to mum.
It’s hard Jo, getting through each day, I really do take it minute by minute. When it comes to evening, I even find myself drawing the curtains despite the days lengthening now. I feel I need to shut the world out as soon as I can, I think it’s just so I can feel I’m her with the girls and mum…….I don’t know.
I hope that counselling helps for you. I’d love to know how it goes for you if you’d like to keep in touch.
I also find this site so helpful. I hate to know anyone is going through this dreadful journey and I’m very humbled by what people will willingly share but in doing so, and reading so many posts, I know I’m not alone. That helps in itself and in daily life, it feels like the world is going on as if nothing has happened when yours is really falling apart.
Take care Jo me bless you and your little dog. Give him a cuddle from me.
X
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