Just returned from my diabetic eye test and have a nervous breakdown again. Just crying and more crying and asking myself why I am still here. Only my strong belief stops me from killing myself. I will take Kalms again and hope it will calm me down. Our surgery still did not hand my husband’s health files over although I need them to claim the travel insurance back. Every day I have more problems. I hate my life and how it changed my personality, but I also know that everyone in this forum has the same or even worse problems. I am missing our talks about the day’s events and watching stupid TV programmes together - our laughs together and our meals and our future plans. Every morning I ask myself why I am still here. Where is the sense of taking my lovely husband away from me? It is three months and eight days today that I have lost my beloved husband. It is such a horrible life now. Is there any hope that it is getting better?
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you have a lot going on on top of your grief.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful.
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline
- Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please do get in touch with one of these services.
@Annaessex I am also crying and crying atm. I’m sitting in the garden sobbing into a hanky! I miss him so much. We talked and messaged all the time and I am really struggling as he was always the first person I’d talk to. I told him everything - silly things, serious things, stupid dreams I had, what was in the news - gossip about people we knew. Today is a really bad day and I have cried so much. And it is weird as I have had a few good days (in that I didn’t cry!) I still can’t believe this has happened. We were just normal, everyday people. Things like this shouldn’t happen to us. I could live at least another 30 or more years without him and my heart is totally broken. I love him so much and I can’t see how I will ever get over this. Please know that I feel your pain totally, and I too hope that this will get easier to bear for both of us xx
Big hugs @Annaessex
I really feel your pain . Everyday feels like we are climbing the highest mountain with weights tied to our ankles
I’m the same, I just wish what happened to my Bry would happen to me , just quick , lights out !!!
Whether there is or isn’t an afterlife, I’d still rather go than walk this horrendous painful path every day xxx
Same, cannot t bare the thought of another day, week or month without him . I try not to think that far ahead as when I do , I crumble . I just want my time to hurry up
Sending you hugs xx
@PollyjaneW You too. I’m sending you a big hug!!! Every night I go to sleep wishing that I don’t wake up. I would never do anything as I have children and grandchildren, but I am obsessed with being with him again, it’s all I think about. I hope beyond hope, that somewhere down the line, this pain in my heart gets less and I start to live again. I know he would want me to have a good life, to go places and enjoy my family. And I would have wanted the same for him, but I feel like my soul has been ripped apart. I honestly did not feel like this when my parents died. I know I was devastated, but this is a whole new ball game. The pain is horrendous. I want to believe that we will be together again and when it is my time, he will come for me xx
Clearly you have been through hell and are going through hell, I do not know and cannot know what your day to day life is like but clearly from what you say you are diabetic and have associated health problems and that makes any stress harder to bear and believe me, bereavement is stress, on the 5th of January my mother died in my arms at the end of a long illness with dementie,I wanted just to curl up and die and had I not been found I would have done and am under a mental health nurse more used to dealing with battle field trauma(apparently I have a form of it) and yes, i felt at the end us if I had fought to the last at Tuebrook, caring for a loved one at home mostly on your own(we were alone when she passed) 24 hours a day for months and months on end was the hardest thing I have ever done and it almost broke me, but I am coming back and my health is better know, it is still very recent for me and even more recent for you, my mother and my self did everything together for the last 12 years and we lived almost as man and wife and have been mistaken for such on more then one occasion by hotel staff and shop assistants, and I suspect you had a beautiful life until the passing of your husband, clearly you are down and fed up with life but you have made a good move in joining this site, this is run by the bereaved FOR the bereaved, I am puzzled why your surgery will not release your husbands medical notes, may I suggest you raise the matter with your member of parliament who should be able to assist you in this matter, may I enquire are you working or retired?, I am semi retired self employed doing clock and furniture restoration, considering building a miniature steam launch(intended for inland waterways only, NOT the open sea)
may God guide you in your crises and guide you to a safe harbour.
I know . When I lost my Dad I thought it was the worst pain ever , as I was such a daddy’s girl & that was sudden too.
But this is whole new pain that I never thought could exist . I’m the same wouldn’t do anything though at the very start I did Google things but the kids have gone through enough without me doing something silly , but like you I’m obsessed with being with him . That’s how I get through each day thinking ( hoping) that tomorrow whoever it is who decides could take me the same as they did Bry . It’s sounds so so bad but that excites me more than this existence
Hopefully , who knows, we may feel a little more ‘normal’ but I cannot see it if I’m being honest xxx
Thank you, Tim007. I am pre-diabetic say they. It goes up and down like a jo-jo and I do not have to take any medication yet. I am a housewife but we met at work over 25 years ago. We were 15 years and two months married before he left me. This is now three months and eight days - a truly horrible time. I was also very close to my parents, they both died in my arms years ago but the pain I am going through at the moment is completely different. Sending lots of love to you and everyone. Hugs from Anna
@Annaessex so sorry you are having a terrible day. Today is my husband’s birthday. My first ‘first’ and the last few days have been even more awful than the others. Sending hugs
sending you big hugs xxx
I always go to bed and just pray I don’t wake up xxx it’s awful for all of us left behind xxxx
@Annaessex I feel your pain as after 5 months I still cry every day and call for my husband to come back. I think the first few weeks we are busy dealing with the paperwork and the funeral then come the hard realisation that our love ones are not coming back. I miss my husband so much and hate that his life has been robbed and our future plans and dreams have been robbed. I ask every day WHY us what have we done so bad in life that you had to take my husband who worked so hard. we could of had another 25/30 years together. I try and keep busy but the grief always creeps back. I often scream and shout in the car when I am driving. We are all on this horrendous journey together. Take care and big hugs xx
Sending you big hugs.i,m diabetic on insulin 2 injections morning and 2 nighttime plus painkillers for right below knee amputation in 2019.i can sympathise with you as my levels are fluctuating wildly. I have days when don’t want to be here. But i can hear sue saying you made me a promise to carry on being the person I made you into and i am holding you to it.please dont give up
Were all here for you .i talk to sues pictures and say what sort of day i,ve had .saying what Teddy n George our two dogs have been up.you can fight this dont give .also did you put it in writing that you want your husbands records. I had to fill in a form requesting sues medical records .xx
@PollyjaneW I too Googled things at the beginning, even though all the time I was thinking “I can’t do this to the kids”. I feel very selfish some days, like I am the only person in the world who feels this bad, and blaming myself for every single thing I’ve done and said wrong, and feeling like I deserve this pain. But in my calmer moments, I know, more than anything, he wants me to go on and live what is left of my life and be happy. I would definitely have wanted the same for him. But neither of us could possibly have known just how bad this stage of bereavement is. He too lost a parent and I know if affected him a great deal, but I also know he would have taken me dying very badly. I was his support system, he knew I loved him and I made him happy. I have had a really bad couple of days and I feel like the world is spinning out of control again. But last week, I had a few better days. I just have to hope that those days get more frequent. I’m going on holiday soon and it is going to be soooooo difficult, but I’m trying to be positive and know that he will still be with me and wanting me to relax and enjoy some sunshine. Sending hugs to you xx
I could have wrote what you wrote . I’m exactly the same going through things that I have said in the past that upset him but all relationships/marriage have ups & downs but at the same time we both knew we loved each other & always supported each other .
I go on holiday on Sunday & like you I’m dreading it . IF they can see us he will want me to enjoy every second but he will be sad he’s not there too
Bry would not cope if the other way around I don’t think as although we did an awful lot together , I also had a few girly breaks & he always wanted me to chill & have fun , especially with me being the main carer for my mum but he couldn’t wait til I got back & that beautiful smile & big hug he gave me when I was home …… wow what I would do for that now
I’ve just been to visit my mum at the care home & it’s scares me that I’ll still be around at that age
I hope you manage to relax & enjoy your holiday as best as we can . Xxx
14 weeks and 5 days ago my life changed for the worst when Jane was suddenly taken from me. I’m always asking her to come and get me and save me from this nightmare. I can’t go on much longer like this and every night i go to sleep hoping never to wake up again. Ive said before that the old me got replaced on that fateful day.
Constantly thinking of Jane whether its an advert or in the shops always thinking “oh Jane would like that” i just want this torture to end, I’m only 53 and can’t bear the thought of 20 odd years without Jane living a sad and lonely existence. My head and heart feel like they will explode i only wish they would
Narna i feel just the same.6 weeks for me and every day i feel worse and i carnt see it ever getting any better and thats frightening me so much .i hate waking up every day with nothing whatsoever to look forward too.now hes gone .And when i read so many on hear who are further on and are still suffering ive no hope to carry on just existing. Ive a daughter and granchildren in ireland so im finding the lonliness un bearable im 71 so done my 3 score and ten . Carnt bear to think of a life without him in it .There is no solution so depressed
I so understand what your saying I feel exactly the same and also had unexpected hate frim his Irish family who were always nice to me before he died . You feel hopeless , alone , not strong xx he told me in the hospice be happy , don’t cry , stay strong , aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh . Impossible I’m in work and hold it together till I leave , pray il go in my sleep but feel guilty then about my family’s pain . Everyday is crap , work or weekend , but just occasionally I do think if I’d never met him and had such a loved fantastic 17 years then I’d never feel this grief and I wouldn’t swap knowing him for anything . I talk to him all the time , they are in our hearts else what was the point of it all ??? I’ve no advice cos I feel like all of us but we grieve because we love I’m sure of that xxx