Hi I’m new here and don’t know where to start.
My husband had a massive brain stem stroke 9 months ago during lockdown. He was in a terrible state when the ambulance took him away. Although he was fitting he was clinging to my hand but I wasn’t allowed to go to the hospital. That was the last time I saw him alive apart from when my daughter and I were allowed into ICU 4 days later when they turned off his life support. He’d had another massive seizure after he’d arrived in hospital and his brain was so damaged that he never regained consciousness. The thought of him dying terrified and without me there really haunts me. My sons weren’t able to come into the hospital when the machines were turned off due to Covid restrictions.
We met on my 16th birthday and had been together for 3 months short of 50 years.
My children and grandchildren have been amazing but I hate to burden them and try to be cheerful and upbeat when I see them.
I have lots of friends but am saddened by how many of my so called close friends haven’t been there for me like I thought they would. I’ve always been the one to look after everyone else and the person friends call on with their problems. My husband always said people took advantage of my kind nature. Perhaps friends think I’m stronger than I am but I’m really not, I’m really struggling.
I run a business from home which keeps me busy buts it very lonely working on your own all day. I was going to retire last June when I got my state pension but now I can’t afford to.
How do you all cope with the loneliness? I know I have to try and start a new life but I just want my old one back.
Thank you for listening xx
Hi I’m new here and don’t know where to start.
I understand I recently lost my husband after going for a nap he never woke up
We were together from 15 years old married at 17 for 47 wonderful years. I also like you have always been that person helping with everyone else’s problems get told how strong I am but I’m broken! I would be happy to meet someone like myself to talk and understand the loneliness of being suddenly alone. Thanks .
It’s so difficult isn’t Caz. I know there’s never a good way but we had no warning did we. No time to say goodbye or share their last hours with them. Our stories are very alike, spending our whole adult lives together. The loneliness is so difficult and because we smile it’s thought we’re ok. I hope you have family close by but I’m sure that like me you don’t want them to worry about you x
So true. My Son called to see me last night as he was worried about ne I must have let my guard down. Its just so hard to explain how you feel qll our friends are still couples and that’s hard to although they all care about me it’s just not the same. I’m thinking of a solo holiday where I can meet people the same.
Thanks Lynie it’s good to know I’m not alone. Xx
Hi Lynnie1, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m feeling it today as my husband died a year ago today from a brain bleed while alone in the kitchen. Reading your post was like reliving mine. There are so many of us unable to understand or trying to cope without our husbands/wife. Best friend and the only one who loves us the way we love them. We are never prepared, don’t even really think of life without them and suddenly we are thrown into this black hole. Alone. I’d know he’d be worse here without me and I try to tell myself he will never suffer but I’m suffering as all of us on here. Thank you for posting and as most of us are feeling lost and alone let’s keep posting. “We have each other”. Big hugs
Big hugs right back. Here together
Caz hi !
I’m in a similar position my husband has a massive heart attack beside me in bed and despite my efforts to revive him he never made it. I was with John 46 years married 44 of them. My two sons and family have been brilliant but despite all their love and kindness my heart is completely broken and fear will never mend. A solo holiday sounds fab let me know if you have any luck. We must plod on day after day. I am sure that’s what John would want me to do. He was such a huge figure in our family with the boys and their children who all miss him terribly.
Much love darling take care.
Aw Georgina it’s so awful when you can’t save ur loved one my efforts were in vain too. If you ever feel like joining me for a break let me know, all my friends are brilliant but they’re all still together as couples it’s so hard to feel part of that now and I hate being in the house alone. Alan was such a joker and a massive love of our family.
Big hugs and love
Thank you so much for your reply Sheila. I’m pleased you’ve managed to rebuild your life to some extent, I’m sure it must have been difficult for you. I’m struggling this week I think because I’m not working. I thought I wanted to retire but having this week off has shown me that my life will be even more empty if I do. Although I work from home, I run a cake business, it does give me a purpose.
Love Lyn x
Thank you for you kind words of hope.
I’m trying to work out my different kind of life without Alan it’s only 3 months ago so early days but as wonderful as my family are I think about going back to work then again I don’t want to work at 65 I feel so confused, I feel worse now than at the time and finding myself not wanting to leave the house now.
Love to all. Xx
I am so sorry to read your post. Sadly i lost my husband in July last year. My husband had been fit and well. I returned from shopping to find he had collapsed and died. A PM revealed a heart attack.
We met at 16 and had been married for 52 years
Despite amazing support from my daughter and family
who are also heartbroken and support from friends and colleagues it is hard at the moment to understand how I to move on from this. No matter his busy I keep
I still seem to come back to the same empty lonely position. Big hug to you
My daughter has called round unexpectedly some evenings too and caught me crying which is awful because she then gets upset. Like you I don’t want to worry my children. I have lots of friends but no single friends only couples and I agree that it’s not the same as it used to be when Chris was here. I’ve seen a couple of friends for an hour at time but there’s still another 23 very lonely hours in a day. I’m glad I found this group yesterday. It’s good to talk to people like yourself who really do understand xx
I get that feeling you cone back to the same emptiness no matter what you do.
We lost our son at 15 years old many years ago we were completely broken but this grief is different I need my Hubs so bad.
But I’m sure like before I’ll move on and change my life.
Hugs and love
Hi Parsley. Thank you for your reply. It’s amazing to think that our loses are so alike. Chris would also have been useless on his own. His domestic skills weren’t too good but that was fine. I think a lot of men of our generation weren’t very good at housework and cooking but I enjoyed looking after him and did he all of the other jobs about the house.
Yesterday must have been so difficult for you. I hope you had some support xxx
Hi Parsley and friends.
We’re all here for each other.
I find I’ve hardly anything to do as Alan was a grafter but so untidy …what I’d do to have his mess back.
Hi Babs I’m so sorry to read this. The shock is terrible isn’t it. Something you can never be prepared for or never forget.
I have a daughter and 2 sons who are all heartbroken their selves but have been so supportive. They have their own lives so I put on brave face so as not to worry them too much but it’s so hard isn’t it.
My closest friends haven’t been nearly as supportive as I thought they would. One actually text me and said that I’m luckier than most widows because I have my family and lots of friends, I wanted to reply and ask where all of these friends were when I needed them but didn’t want to sound bitter.
It’s so kind of you to reply and hope today is good one for you xxx
Oh Caz I know what you mean about the mess. It would be so lovely to have their mess back again xxx
Oh Georgina your story is so like mine. I tried to help Chris when he had his stroke and my last memories of him were when he was taken into the ambulance looking absolutely terrified and not being able to go with him still haunts me.
Like yours, my kids have been a tremendous help but they can’t fill that gigantic lonely place you heart can they.
I always thought I was a strong person but I’m really struggling to cope with this loneliness xxx
June my wife of 43 years passed 6 weeks ago last event. It was sudden unexpected although June had disabilities (MS and beat Cancer) it was her heart that killed her. One moment she was on the phone the next unresponsive. I couldn’t save her neither could the paramedics. We had no family so I’m alone . I’m in a bad way. I’m on medication now for the first time in my life. I have no interest in anything. I hate going out. I hate coming back to an empty soulless house. The days drag from morning to night. They are endless and repetitive. I have a Mental Health Nurse visiting today from the Crisis Tram to check me over. I so hope they can help. Desperate to feel better.
I am so sorry for your loss and what you went through at the time. My experience was similar in that my darling husband was on life support after a massive cardiac arrest, which caused catastrophic brain damage. He didn’t regain consciousness. I was told by the consultant that he wouldn’t have known anything about it, that it would have been instant, therefore no suffering. It did and still does, give me some comfort to know that but it’s still very hard to get my head around.
My husband loved life and for sometime afterwards, I couldn’t get out of my head how, wherever he was, he was sad. I honestly couldn’t bear the thought of him being sad. It was excruciating. After a lot of talking with a vicar friend, reading, research and a visit with a consultant, that feeling slowly dissipated.
After four and a half years I am now in a place where I think this is as good as it gets. My life isn’t terrible. I can know a certain happiness and contentment. The key for me is distraction so like you I keep busy. Returning to work was my saviour. Don’t know what I would do without it.
I agree with Sheila in that we don’t move on. We move forward with our grief and our grief moves forward with us. Grief becomes our new companion. Whilst it doesn’t and shouldn’t define us, it does become a major part of who we are now. Like you I didn’t know how to move forward but I did, slowly and without even realising it. I moved forward with my husband in my heart and my love for him continuing to grow. You will too Lynnie. xx