I dont know how to live without my mum!

I lost my mum on 16/09/21 and I am struggling to deal with the hole she leaves in my life.

My mum was admitted to hospital suddenly and died less than 72hrs later. Due to restrictions we weren’t allowed to visit her. I think this was the reason we didn’t realise how sick she was. She had pancreatitis. We expected her to come home. But 2 days after she was admitted we were told that the Drs had decided that a DNR should be put in place and we could come and see her. She died that night.

Almost 7 weeks on I can not believe she has gone, the first 2/3 weeks until the funeral felt busy and I had something to focus on, I just feel lost. I think multiple times a day of picking the phone up and calling her. Each time I remember I knocks the wind out of me.

I’m obsessed over what happened in the hospital, I want to go over the last 72hrs of her life, talk to someone who can explain it too me. I feel like they made the decision her life wasn’t worth saving, she was a number, but to us her life was everything.

I’m triggered by so many random things and I cant explain it to anyone else, I feel like they wont understand.

  • The TV shows she used to record, they are still recording at her house, not being watched. it makes me cry every time I think about it.

  • The seasons, I love autumn, its my favourite. I love the colours of the leaves, Halloween bonfire night and my birthday all leading to Christmas, but now, I can see the leaves changing and falling and it is just a reminder that the world in carrying on without her. It feels cruel.

I woke this morning before my alarm and felt sick at the thought of having to make it through another day. Another day without her and feeling so hopeless.

I know I’m rambling on, and I don’t know the point of the post, except to get some of my thoughts and feelings out of my head.

Thanks for reading :heart:

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Hello Toni, such a sad story and I can understand fully what you say about the last 72 hours. pancreatitis is not nice and you should have been given a full explanation of her case which may have helped you emotionally.
Those first few weeks are full of things that need doing, then you have time to think and that’s when grief hits you. On this site everyone knows the pain and heartache you are going through and we all send you our love and best wishes because it’s not easy.
Take small baby steps and don’t rush with grieving and you will find an inner strength to deal with the pain. Remember all those happy times and keep those memories like a big fat comfy blanket.
Take extra care because at present you are fragile. Blessings being sent S xxx

Thank you so much for your reply and showing understanding. I’m worried about talking to other people about it, I’m scared that I’ll upset them or make them feel awkward so it helps to talk to people who will just listen and understand rather than tell me that it will get better and that times a healer and all the other cliches you say when your trying to be sympathetic. I’m sure I was guilty of it too before I knew how it felt to be in this position! X

Hi Toni2,

I read your post and really felt it…I too have lost my mum and your world suddenly looks and feels completely different…I’m lot further on than you ( although atm it can feel incredibly raw again ) but I just wanted to reach out to you…it sounds like you need someone to talk to about the medical things of what happened to your mum ? I needed to do that as I had so many questions…I’m lucky have a very understanding and compassionate gp ( also mums dr) and that did help me…maybe something like that might help you ??.

I could of wrote your exact words about Auturm as it was mums favourite too ,the leaves falling getting cosy etc etc Christmas…it today hit me ,like you say feels cruel that they are not here to see it …I still ( 5 years on ) have so many things wanna say and tell mum…and it’s absolutely gutting that we can’t do that anymore…sometimes I just say them out loud to still feel her close …but gosh it hurts like nothing else…

Sorry I feel I’m rambling on to you now but I just wanted to say I really hear you and reach out…x

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Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything you wrote here really struck a chord. I lost my mum exactly a year ago last week and I’m struggling again. I think it all hit me again last night that’s she’s really been gone for so long now. I had a full panic attack while crying my eyes out and today I feel so low again.
It’s been the hardest year I’ve ever faced, but I have managed to keep going. Please be kind to yourself, it’s hard to see it now, but the grief haze you are in will change. You will have brighter days, but you’ll carry your loss inside forever.
Use this site to get your feelings out and talk to people that understand. It definitely helped me in my darker days. I didn’t feel so alone.
If you want to talk feel free to message me.
Take care x

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Hi Toni2 I’m so sorry for the sudden loss of your mum.I know how hard the first few months are after losing your mum.Your world is turned upside down and you just want answers.I don’t understand why you couldn’t visit your mum that is really cruel.With my mum we weren’t allowed to visit until she was seriously ill.I know what you mean about the hospital just thinking your mother as a number.I felt exactly the same.I just think sometimes the hospitals don’t do enough.They give up too quickly and see the patient as a lost cause.Take care.

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Sending you shared love and complete understanding . There are no words. Just compassion. You are not alone. 10 months for me having had my lovely mum in my life for 67 years. Taken in 3 days too by Covid.

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Hello Toni,
Your situation and feelings are same with my feelings. I lost my father and mother suddenly within a week before six months and it made me a vast of emptiness in my life.
I am still struggling to lead my family and life. I missed happiness after my parents death.
Lot of console words are here. But, No one bring them back.
My mind seeking them in everything.
Still My mind is restless.

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