I dont know how to live without my mum!

I lost my mum on 16/09/21 and I am struggling to deal with the hole she leaves in my life.

My mum was admitted to hospital suddenly and died less than 72hrs later. Due to restrictions we weren’t allowed to visit her. I think this was the reason we didn’t realise how sick she was. She had pancreatitis. We expected her to come home. But 2 days after she was admitted we were told that the Drs had decided that a DNR should be put in place and we could come and see her. She died that night.

Almost 7 weeks on I can not believe she has gone, the first 2/3 weeks until the funeral felt busy and I had something to focus on, I just feel lost. I think multiple times a day of picking the phone up and calling her. Each time I remember I knocks the wind out of me.

I’m obsessed over what happened in the hospital, I want to go over the last 72hrs of her life, talk to someone who can explain it too me. I feel like they made the decision her life wasn’t worth saving, she was a number, but to us her life was everything.

I’m triggered by so many random things and I cant explain it to anyone else, I feel like they wont understand.

  • The TV shows she used to record, they are still recording at her house, not being watched. it makes me cry every time I think about it.

  • The seasons, I love autumn, its my favourite. I love the colours of the leaves, Halloween bonfire night and my birthday all leading to Christmas, but now, I can see the leaves changing and falling and it is just a reminder that the world in carrying on without her. It feels cruel.

I woke this morning before my alarm and felt sick at the thought of having to make it through another day. Another day without her and feeling so hopeless.

I know I’m rambling on, and I don’t know the point of the post, except to get some of my thoughts and feelings out of my head.

Thanks for reading :heart:


Hello Toni, such a sad story and I can understand fully what you say about the last 72 hours. pancreatitis is not nice and you should have been given a full explanation of her case which may have helped you emotionally.
Those first few weeks are full of things that need doing, then you have time to think and that’s when grief hits you. On this site everyone knows the pain and heartache you are going through and we all send you our love and best wishes because it’s not easy.
Take small baby steps and don’t rush with grieving and you will find an inner strength to deal with the pain. Remember all those happy times and keep those memories like a big fat comfy blanket.
Take extra care because at present you are fragile. Blessings being sent S xxx

Thank you so much for your reply and showing understanding. I’m worried about talking to other people about it, I’m scared that I’ll upset them or make them feel awkward so it helps to talk to people who will just listen and understand rather than tell me that it will get better and that times a healer and all the other cliches you say when your trying to be sympathetic. I’m sure I was guilty of it too before I knew how it felt to be in this position! X

Hi Toni2,

I read your post and really felt it…I too have lost my mum and your world suddenly looks and feels completely different…I’m lot further on than you ( although atm it can feel incredibly raw again ) but I just wanted to reach out to you…it sounds like you need someone to talk to about the medical things of what happened to your mum ? I needed to do that as I had so many questions…I’m lucky have a very understanding and compassionate gp ( also mums dr) and that did help me…maybe something like that might help you ??.

I could of wrote your exact words about Auturm as it was mums favourite too ,the leaves falling getting cosy etc etc Christmas…it today hit me ,like you say feels cruel that they are not here to see it …I still ( 5 years on ) have so many things wanna say and tell mum…and it’s absolutely gutting that we can’t do that anymore…sometimes I just say them out loud to still feel her close …but gosh it hurts like nothing else…

Sorry I feel I’m rambling on to you now but I just wanted to say I really hear you and reach out…x

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything you wrote here really struck a chord. I lost my mum exactly a year ago last week and I’m struggling again. I think it all hit me again last night that’s she’s really been gone for so long now. I had a full panic attack while crying my eyes out and today I feel so low again.
It’s been the hardest year I’ve ever faced, but I have managed to keep going. Please be kind to yourself, it’s hard to see it now, but the grief haze you are in will change. You will have brighter days, but you’ll carry your loss inside forever.
Use this site to get your feelings out and talk to people that understand. It definitely helped me in my darker days. I didn’t feel so alone.
If you want to talk feel free to message me.
Take care x


Hi Toni2 I’m so sorry for the sudden loss of your mum.I know how hard the first few months are after losing your mum.Your world is turned upside down and you just want answers.I don’t understand why you couldn’t visit your mum that is really cruel.With my mum we weren’t allowed to visit until she was seriously ill.I know what you mean about the hospital just thinking your mother as a number.I felt exactly the same.I just think sometimes the hospitals don’t do enough.They give up too quickly and see the patient as a lost cause.Take care.

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Sending you shared love and complete understanding . There are no words. Just compassion. You are not alone. 10 months for me having had my lovely mum in my life for 67 years. Taken in 3 days too by Covid.


Hello Toni,
Your situation and feelings are same with my feelings. I lost my father and mother suddenly within a week before six months and it made me a vast of emptiness in my life.
I am still struggling to lead my family and life. I missed happiness after my parents death.
Lot of console words are here. But, No one bring them back.
My mind seeking them in everything.
Still My mind is restless.

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Sorry to hear. I have no console words for Mother’s death. I vastly depressed due to my parents death. Still, I could not recover from deep feelings. It compresses my routine with heavy pain. I lost my hope in life after experiencing the uncertainty. This makes fear on other members in my family whether I will lose them like my parents sudden death. I lost my blood relatives 10 members within the last 10 months. I am unable to take any life decision at this moment. I feel lonely even my spouse and son with me. I could not involve in normal works too. Everyday in my life is very tough.


Hi Karunakaran.m

So sorry to read of the loss of your mum and dad…to lose family so close to each other is incredibly difficult and overwhelming…it’s a lot to try and process …my heart goes out to you .

I’ve experienced a lot of loss including my mum and dad…it’s a pain like no other…I also feel incredibly lonely, it’s a horrible feeling.

Sorry, I’m not able to write much here in this hour but I just wanted to reach out to you.

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Dear Tray,
Thank you for your words. I am so sorry for the loss of parents in your life also. Loneliness is a highest punishment in everyone’s life given by the fate or nature. No one could feel happiness in loneliness after the loss of the family members in life.

My words won’t heal your feelings. But, give you the support.

Please, be feel free in contact with me.

M. Karunakaran

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Hi M.Karunakaran.

Thank you so much for your kind words and reply…it means a lot to me :pray:.

Lonliness after loss does feel like some sort of punishment…it’s a horrible and painful feeling.

How are you doing today ? I hope you have found some comfort in your day…some days we have to search a little deeper I know and grief can feel exhausting.

Here if you ever want to chat.


Hi Tray,
It was a soft feeling after your reply. Sorry for the late reply. I am also here for you.

I am committed with my daily job, but, doing with full of unhappiness.
I lost my happiness after the loss my parents.

I have spouse and son. I am fearing of saving them.

My mind is now fully lead by negative thoughts. I feel lot of pain over my parents memories. I am shivering on anything. Even a small task makes a fear to me.

I lived with the full of relatives circle from my childhood. My father had six elder brothers and My Mother had two younger brothers. The life was beautiful with the lot of family members and every one had unconditional love and right over everybody.

Now, Maximum members in my relatives circle passed away. I feel the vast of emptiness and loneliness.

I could not find anything interest in life. I could not do the things which those were very interest during my parents alive. I lost my boldness.

I don’t know how my life will be hereafter.

M. Karunakaran

Hi Karunakaran.m

Thank you for your reply.

I really feel your pain and such heartbreaking sadness at your loss…I’m so so sorry…I can only offer my words of support and please reach out to me if you ever want to :pray:.

I also can feel the overwhelming fear in your reply…which is very understandable…grief can be so scary the feelings that it brings…the uncertainty and pain is horrible, no words do it justice.

I can relate to how doing just small basic everyday tasks can now feel like mountains to climb…grief is exhausting! It sounds like you are trying to be and are being so strong for your spouse and son…do you have any close friends that help and support you ,any physical support ? As any help in times of such loss is so valuable and needed… I so hope you have some :pray:.

The emptiness and lonliness can feel like a shadow that follows you around…I can get that too…I have learnt to really notice the times when it gives me a little respite( not much at times ) I share this with you to try to share that you are not alone in these painful feelings…not to make it about me at all ! Just trying to show empathy ,understanding and compassion.

Do you still find any comfort in the day ? Maybe that sounds like a silly question…as with such loss finding anything other than the feelings of despair and grief are so so difficult to find ! It’s a heartbreaking feeling…but please do try and search deep to find something…maybe your sons smile ?? The little free things in life really mean the most…material feels don’t matter…it’s what our hearts feel at the end of the day is most important…and in grief hearts can feel so very heavy and washed with complete sadness…please try to hold onto hope.

I hope I’ve made sense…I’m very tired but I wanted to reach out to you.

Sending you strength and comfort.:pray: please feel free to chat if you so wish :pray:

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Hi Tray,
Thanks a lot for your kind support.

We both are in the same situation that the time brought us to that miserable place.

Though I try to find the things to divert my grief, mind which has been filled up with the full pain, is automatically coming back to the thought of trauma that affected my life.

Whenever I complete my works in my office, I have no place to think of joy, since, mind is feeling disappointment around the truth that my parents are not alive now to share anything with them.

My Mother and Father, both are the gift of nature. Both are innocents. Both are respectful in my community. They did not procure any assets for me. They are only my asset. Still, I could not believe the truth that they are now alive. Whenever I realize the truth, I am getting anger over the God or Nature anything did the tragedy.

The loss is not only for me. My son has also lost the lovable Grand parents. Still, he is not able to tolerate this in his mind. He is missing my mother and father at every moment. My wife is also struggling with the absence of my mother.

I am unable to think that still the life is meaningful one. I may achieve anything. I may get well place in this society. But, without my parents, any achievement will not give me the happiness.

At the end of every day, I try to bring my mind into peace. But, every morning is making a threat.

Let us speak a lot one by one hereafter.

Thank you Tray for showing your interest with me.

M. Karunakaran

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Hi karunakaran.m

Lovely to hear from you…although sad we met in such a way as it means we are both in place of loss.

We have both lost our parents and to be a adult orphan is a painful place to be…sometimes in life we just want and need our parents whatever our age…I understand what you mean about achievements in life and so wishing our parents are here to see and to be part of that joy…there is a emptiness in hearts when not able to share such things …it hurts a lot…but somehow must carry on and try to make them.and ourselves proud…it’s difficult I know.

How old is your son ,if you don’t mind me asking ? …

I too get angry by life and cruel way in which parents taken from you…it makes you question everything…life can seem and be cruel and unfair…it’s finding ways to cope with this…

Mornings I can find difficult as that start to a new day and the fresh hit that loved ones are no longer here and another day to face without them…

It helps to talk on here I find …grief is such a difficult painful thing…it brings anger and exhaustion too…I’m a few more years on from you so I’ve found some coping ways but at the moment grief keeps feeling raw again.

Are you religious at all …as I know some find some comfort in their religion…

Bye for now.


Hi Toni I’m so sorry for your loss I can’t say I know how you feel but I can relate I lost my mother in law in April last year to cancer and then my dear mum in Nov 20 to covid. I understand that you want answers and that can be the hardest part. I was angry that my mother in law wasn’t able to be treated for the cancer and that my mum caught covid and they stopped with her meds and I’m angry at the nursing home staff. Just know that you’re not alone hun many people feel this way. If you need to chat just message me as I know its exceptionally hard at Christmas and once again I am so sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you x

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I too lost my mother a few years ago and I can emphathise with the sadness that she won’t be here to share life events and achievements with me. My mother was like a best friend to me and its hard to deal with the terrible feeling of deep loss but you have to keep on going with the hope that things will eventually improve. It is a major life event to lose a parent (or parents) so it definetely takes some getting used to. We have to be patient and strong therefore but I know what you mean by saying the grief can feel raw even 5 years on. It has been said that " we don’t do bereavement" but rather “bereavement does us” and I would agree with this statement.


Hi Richard1,

So sorry you are part of this bereavement club too…no one wants to be a member but here we all are.

It’s 5 years since I lost my mum and especially now at Christmas it does keep biting and feeling so raw…I have many times recently where I’ve seen something and thought ’ oh ,mum would love to have seen that ’ …just little day to day things…it doesn’t have to be the big stuff…it can still really hit …I often feel I’m in a storm of grief…somedays it’s a calmer sea but when it’s rough it’s hard to hold on when there a big waves…I’m forever looking for the life jacket ! It’s very difficult…I find writing on here helps and some lovely people and as I say we are all part of a club that no one would ever choose to be in .


Hi Tray,
Thanks a lot for your support.

My son is 14 years old.

I involved in spiritual practices like Yoga, Meditation and enjoyed these. But, I could not pursue these. I am unable to involve. When I was doing these practices, regularly I Pray for my parents long live. But, My prayer was declined by the Time. I lost them. I feel heavy pain whenever the thoughts remind me that they are not alive.

You are right. Every day is looking like the punishment. Though I think of life for my wife and son, it is very difficult to pass over the time. I am fearing of everything.

i could not make any further decision for my life improvement.

Uncertainty is the only thing makes threat in my thinking now a days.
So, the hopeless remains constant at present.

Okay Tray… Let us discuss further in next… I will be here after two days. Because, I go to my hometown where I lived with my parents.

Take care…

Bye for now,
M. Karunakaran