Thank you for your reply. It is good to have this platform to talk about our loss and help deal with the grief.
I know what you mean when you say that sometimes its like being in a storm of grief. Sometimes I feel an almost overwhelming wave of loss and its all mixed with a feeling of depression. I suppose this is grief taking its course and it affects each one of us differently. I lost my mother 6 years ago at the end of November so I suppose this time of year the feeling of loss is particularly strong. I think you learn to deal with as the time goes on. Its just good to be able to talk about it all and get it off my chest.
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Hi karunakaran.m
Hello…thank you for your reply and was nice to hear back from you.
How has today been for you? I’ve been at hospital today so I’m quite tired but wanted to check in with you to see how you are.
I understand that fear feeling everyday…that uncertainty…it’s a horrible feeling 
…trying to find hope in what feels hopeless but please on those days keep searching a little deeper …I know it’s hard but cling onto the slightest spark of light…your son and wife…but it sounds like you are now so afraid of loss that it gets scary…I hope that comes across as meant 
…I mean it with care.
I try to do meditation…it didn’t work to start with but I tried and tried with perseverance and now I find it does help at night time when trying to sleep and rest…yoga is something I’d like to try and learn …maybe you could share how it did help you ? Just a thought but no worries if not.
How did you find going back to your hometown of where you lived with parents ? I can imagine it brought up many memories for you or maybe you found some comfort too ? I do hope so.
I will leave it here for now as extra tired but wanted to say hello and hope you have found some hope in today however small .
Take care,
Tray
Hi Richard1,
Yes, it does help to chat and get things out of the mind somewhat…as it can all get very jumbled when you don’t chat about things it tends to breed.
You have not long past your mum’s 6th anniversary ,anniversaries are difficult to deal with and bring up memories that some rather try to forget a bit…not good memories I mean more the deep deep pain…sorry ,I’ve been hospital today so I’m extremely tired so not sure if I’m making much sense now- it’s been a long day.
I understand what you mean about the grief and blending in with depression…it’s difficult to know where one starts and one ends…
I will leave it here as so tired but just wanted to acknowledge your reply and hope today has been one where you have found some comfort.
Take care.
Sorry Toni for your loss and to everyone else that has written here.
I lost my Mum 2 days ago, in a dreadful hospital assessment ward. But it’s like she’s still there, I can’t recall her voice and things only seem half real. I haven’t dreamed about her even. Another poster kindly reminded me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I’m acting and feeling mostly like it’s not real. When I lost my Husband I was in a shocking state. Can’t work out why I’m feeling this way. Sorry to be so negative. Sending kindness to everyone
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Hi Tina,
Firstly I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It truly is devastating.
I honestly understand how you feel I spent the first few weeks in a state of disbelief. Feeling like she was just at home. It’s only now, that I feel like it’s hitting me. Only today I was thinking about something that happened when I was younger, and I realised there wasn’t anyone here who could fill in them blanks for me anymore.
I haven’t dreamt of mum since she left, I did dream of her, that she had gone away and told me she would be back at a certain time but she didn’t come back. I called her and shouted at her for not coming home. I wonder if that was my subconscious being angry at her for leaving me.
I hope you are keeping as well as possible, please reach out if you want to talk xx
Thankyou Toni2. I appreciate your reply and comments. Think I was just expecting things to follow the same pattern as my previous loss - which is kind of ridiculous I guess. Thanks again and care Toni x
Hi Tray,
I am so sorry to hear that you are so tired and not feeling well. It is melting my heart that you are replying with this state.
What to say? You are my gift in this hard time.
Please, take care of your health. I Pray for you.
You said something about Meditation… Meditation is the only way to survive from this machine life. It only gives relief from the struggling mind. But, to success in the Meditation is the very very tough task.
I thought that I am the happiest person in the world while I was doing Meditation. But, after the traumatic loss of my parents, I realized that I did not Meditate well. Because, I could not concentrate in Meditation after that event. My mind developed depression automatically during grief. I lost hope in Meditation. This is my thought in this miserable situation. But, in reality, to get a real success in Meditation, everyone should not put any affection with anyone and everything. This only the actual practice in Meditation and Yoga. Everyone should know the truth around and law of nature.
Now only I realized that my practice in Meditation was just I frustrated my mind. I have put lot of affection with my parents and family. This thing will not give any success in Meditation.
So, I am overwhelming with the grief, pain, fear and hopeless.
I went to my hometown and home and stayed there for 2 days. I feel peaceful while entering into the home at the same time I felt heavy pain over the memories there. I am unable to tolerate the emptiness in my home which is now without my parents.
I feel God is graceless and also he is an accused one. Because, the people who are bad having long and happiest life. They have not been punished by the law of nature for their sins. But, people who are good are facing lot of miseries and trauma in their life. Is anything justice in the law of nature ?
If I have power, definitely I will give heavy punishment to God.
Okay, Tray… See you in next. I am eager to hear from you that you are well now.
Bye for Now,
M. Karunakaran
Hi karunakaran.m.
Thank you for your kind words…you have a very wounderful and beautiful way with words.
I understand what you mean about questioning God and such things…my mum was the most gentle and kindest soul yet cancer got her and how she struggled and deteriorated was absolutely horrendous she suffered in such agony in pain …I nursed my mum through her terminal cancer diagnosis and it was so so painful to see my mum deteriorate in such a way…I now think if there is a god why do the good people souls seem to suffer the most ,yet the bad ones don’t…it’s very cruel and unfair and such questions can drive you crazy…it’s hard to make any peace.
It’s 2 weeks until Christmas and I would always spend it with mum so it’s a painful time of the year for me…many memories and just reminded that mum is no longer here and that can make me cry a lot at the min…
Do you celebrate divalli in October just gone ? ( sorry I don’t think I’ve spelt it correctly- the celebration of new life and light ?.. I’m sure such a time was - is now difficult for you …a time that used to bring such joy and hope and light is now a time that reminds of what have lost …I hope you could find some joy with your wife and son though .
The bond you talk about with your parents sounds so special, close and beautiful…I can understand the mixed emotions you felt on entering your parents home…must of brought back many past thoughts ,feelings and memories for you…you are still very early in your grief not even a year I believe? I’m further on than you - although grief has no straight forward pattern it effects us all differently.
Losing my parents even though I’m an adult has brought about a feeling of insecurity…I was very very close to my mum and we were so alike and I miss her painfully…so many things that I would love to tell her and share with her but can’t…I just say them in my mind and somehow hope she hears 
.
Thank you for asking about my health …it’s ongoing but resting today.
I will leave it here for now…
Speak soon and take care
Tray.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mum this year in June. To pancreatic cancer. I were, have been and still am feeling the same horrendous loss. Sometimes there are no words you can write down that truly explain the pain in side. I have been to doctors for help but that’s obviously very limited right now. So I’ve found myself joining here, hoping to connect with people that unfortunately are going through the same situation. I have just let my grief take over me, I’m even drinking which is upsetting everyone around me. Our mums teach us everything in life but not how to cope without them when they are gone.
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Hi Tray,
Have a nice day… Please, take care of your health and take rest.
I could not tolerate your Mother’s miseries with cancer. It induces too pain in my soul. Mother is the divine… Mother is the life… Your Mother is my Mother. My Mother is your Mother.
We know, every word we are typing here is with heavy pain after the trumatic loss in our life.
You are right… I did not celebrate Deepavali. Not only this time, I have no hope that the joy will come again during this festival.
You told about your feelings on Christmas. Such a beautiful moments we had with our parents never come again. This thing or truth makes depression and let us feel that life is meaningless hereafter.
I can find joy with my wife and son. But, I found joy only with my parents for my wife and son also. He lived a beautiful life with my parents. Now, he could not exhibit his feelings that what happened in life after the sudden loss of his Grand father and Grand mother. My wife is struggling with their sudden absence in life.
So, I lost my control over life. Sometimes, I feel that I will mentally affect soon.
Every day shows very horrible face of life.
In this crucial situation, I am in the condition to make important financial and life decision for my family’s future. But, my mind is unprepared for that. If I am making delay, the things will make life worse. But, I could not.
So, Now, I am totally cornered with the Tragedy and Life.
Looking for whether any Mentor will save me and make decision for my familes welfare.
Okay Tray… I am eager to hear that you are well.
Bye for now,
M. Karunakaran
Hi Karunakaran.m,
How has today been for you? I hope you found some comfort in your day.
You say that you do find some joy with your wife and son …those moments we must grab with both hands and treasure …as when in grief and pain those joy days can be harder to find…
It sounds like your wife and son had a lovely relationship with your parents …are you able to talk to them about how you are feeling now,or is it too difficult? Sometimes it can be harder to talk to those closest to us but easier to chat to someone more neutral 
please share with me anything that you wish or want to talk about ,if it helps that is…voicing our thoughts out loud and sharing can lift the load even a little.
You put " every word we type here is with heavy pain " and I felt that…no one wishes they were on this site as it means we have all lost loved ones …and it really really hurts ! 
Is there anyone else in your family or friends that you see …but unless they too have experienced such loss it’s difficult for anyone to understand.
I agree and with losing parents ( or any loss ) you feel that things are out of our control or are reminded of how fragile life is.
I will have to leave it here for now…
Take care and chat soon.
Tray
Hi Tray,
Thank you for your kind reply. So good to be among people here who understand what losing someone close is like. Someone on here said something like Grief goes as deep as it goes and lasts as long as it has to - I agree with this. A lot of people in the world don’t understand grief at all and think you should be over it in a relatively brief period of time - so totally insensitive. Some people just talk about it in a matter of fact way and these people leave me cold.
I just try to get through the loss of my mother one day at a time.
I hope you are ok yourself and dealing with your own loss.
Take care.
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Hi Tray,
How are you ? Sorry… I did not come here for last three days. That’s why I could not respond you soon.
Anyhow, How is your health now?
Take care, Pls.
I feel so comfortable with your kind support here.
I am in the position to make some important decision soon for my wife and son’s future. But, in the overwhelming grief, I could not make anything. It is so hard. I could not find happiness and comfortable in any decision.
I am totally confused with my mind. ,while, it is totally in complicated grief and depression.
I am unable to cope with the moments, since, even a small thought or small bit of song gives a painful yearning over my parents.
I feel emptiness in everything. Food does not give a taste. I could not find any joyful in everything that gave me a joy and hope when my parents were alive.
They did not come with me in every task or every moment. But, their existence gave me the hope and joy in life. I am in darkness. Because, nobody gives me a hope for life. Because, I have only the responsibility to take care of wife and my son. My wife is innocence and she is unable to cope with the today’s trend of the society. So, I am only the in the position to give safety life for my family.
My brother does give any moral support for me in this crucial grief. He has recovered from grief soon and he accepted my parents sudden loss.
But, I could not accept their loss. In the overwhelming grief I could not find any hope.
I need a well wisher for me and a lovely friend to share my thoughts and for moral support.
This is my position now.
Okay, Tray…!
leave for now,
Bye,
M. Karunakaran
Hi karunakaran.m,
Nice to hear from you.
I had the booster jab yesterday, so I’m feeling a bit off headache etc etc…Covid is getting ( is) bad again 8n the UK.
It seems sounds like you are suffering with depression aswell as grief…it can be difficult to tell where one starts and one ends.
I’m glad you feel comfortable here .please reach out to me anytime.
You mention some important decisions you need to make soon ? It’s difficult to make any decisions when in such grief and mind so low and overwhelmed…I wasn’t able to make any decisions early on it was just too much.
I understand how hearing a song etc can bring all the painful loss to forefront of mind …it’s so very raw for you and even for me now a song can set me off to tears in mins …grief can catch you out at any time.
That empty feeling I can relate to also…where nothing seems to bring joy or comfort, its a horrible feeling.
Your wife sounds quite lost too…innocent is word you used…so many deaths in short space of time is heavy for the heart and mind .
Your brother has coped with it different to you you put…do you have any other family or friends to chat to? I’m always here for you ,just wondering if you have anyone that is physically there for you ?
Keep posting and it’s always nice to hear from you, I just wish it was different circumstances and not sad ones .
Take good care.
Tray
Hi Tray,
Nice to hear that you had the booster dose… Please, take care of COVID-19 Variant spread.
Your words give me a bit of peaceful… I have very well friends and relatives who are giving moral support for me. But, the time I am talking with them is just taking diversion from my grief. After the conversation, my mind automatically coming back to vast grief.
My sub-conscious mind did not accept the reality and it is still searching my parents and yearns that they should come back. I am feeling that an invisible big stone is lying on my heart.
I did a major mistake by moved away from my home where I lived with my parents. When I leave that home the feelings and pain I experienced at that moment can’t be portrayed here by words. Still, I am crying for that moment. I should not have left from my parents house. The decision I had made is giving intense grief.
I am cornered by the feelings and pain every day. I may be turned into mental disorder if this intense grief continues. I feel nervous with the grief. Sometimes, I am thinking of why should we live…?
I am unable to brief my entire feelings here. The moments I had with my mum and dad is reflecting again and again and pain is increasing day by day.
I could not take care of my wife and son. I am fearing of their future.
We had a very peaceful life with my parents. Now…?
Okay Tray, Sorry for my over feelings here.
May I know about you in detail ? Your family, friends, job, etc.,
See you in next,
Bye,
M. Karunakaran.
Hi karunakaran.m,
Nice to hear from you but again obviously wish under better circumstances. .
Yes, I had 3rd vaccine…have you and your wife ,son had the vaccines ?
I relate to a lot of what you say and you have a beautiful poignant way with words ,when you put " it’s like an invisible big stone is lying on my heart " I understand what you mean, very much so…grief and pain weigh very very heavy don’t they on the heart ,body and mind…I’m finding it more so because Christmas day is this Saturday and it looks like now I will be alone that day…many have Covid or isolation etc…I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my life over 9 deaths in 11 years so it’s a lot to deal with and even these many years on I’ve only just found a way to navigate it …and I have to really try to remember the better days as the bad days weigh heavy…very painful…they say " grief is the price we pay for love " and I truly believe that…in one way how lucky are we to have experienced such love for it to be so so very painful…BUT that doesn’t make it any easier!..it’s just words to try to help I suppose.
I’ve lost my mum,dad, sister, nana , very very close friends , my very best friend and Christmas and anniversaries just bring the grief to a more raw feeling …I have to keep telling myself it will pass…but I think no matter how old we get sometimes in life we just want our mum - or our parents, don’t we ? And then it really bites that they are no longer by our sides.
Sorry , I feel I’m just rambling a lot of things out to you tonight…I suppose I’m just sharing in the hope maybe to make you feel a little less alone in your grief ,as grief sometimes can make you feel as if you are going mad.
When you put about is your grief going to more mental health, it can be difficult to say and I’m no expert or doctor but I think it’s important to say that grief is sadly what again comes with love and although crippling painful and makes feel so so low …sorry, I can’t find the words at the minute and not sure if I’m expressing myself very well…it’s been quite a long day ,but I just wanted to send you a message to say that you and your family have been in my thoughts.
In grief ,I’ve also found it can make you question a lot of things and decisions in life that you have made ( or not ) like you leaving your parents…grief is very complicated and confusing at times…again I’m no expert just sharing my own thoughts and feelings.
Grief makes you question everything, what’s the point ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Often to silence or more questions that in turn can send you on a downward spiral…I read that after loss its best not to make any important decisions and I agree with that as mind needs to focus and settle more…
I also read that grief is like glitter…you will always find little bits of it around no matter how much you try to tidy it up…
I will re read your reply tommorrow onwards as I’m sure I’ve missed bits of your questions out but mind body very tired.
I will leave it here for now…I hope I’ve made some sense ??.
Take care and speak soon .
Tray.
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Hi Tray,
I am very glad to have your kind support. I understand you are spending a lot of time for me. I kindly thank you so much.
You have lost much more in life… Christmas comes with joy for others but it will be the more painful one for you now. It is very hard for my heart to imagine that moment.
“Grief is the price we pay for love” the words are triggering the tears.
I had only 1st dose vaccine and another will be on coming January. My wife completed two vaccines. But, My son did not have vaccine, since, there is no vaccine in India for under 18 aged group.
I understood that making any important decision is not the right thing while grief. But, the situation at present is threatening me.
Even a small thing to do casually is inducing a fear to me.
There was a sequence trauma in my life last year. Last December I lost my Uncle who is the brother of my mum. After 5 months during May, First I unexpectedly lost my father on a Monday. After two days I lost my aunt who is wife of my father’s brother. After 3 days I lost my cousin and his wife one by one within two hours due to COVID. The very next day morning I lost my mum. After 2 days I lost my another aunt. After 5 days I lost my another cousin. After 5 months during October, I lost my another Uncle and aunt within two days. So, In the ten months period, I lost 10 members in my family surroundings including my father and mother.
This unexpected Trauma within short period of time makes me thinking Uncertainty of life and it is frightening very much. So, I lost hope in Life and I could not find any positive thing in life.
My mum was in Hospital at the moment of my father’s death. She did not know that my father has expired till the last moment of her life. I was under the suffering of COVID on that time. So, I did not go to see my dad’s face and funeral program. After a week, My mum expired, I did go to see my mum’s face atleast. But, my mum’s face was covered with dressing. So, I could not see her face also last time. This Misery is not erasable in my mind and it makes guilty till my life end.
Okay, Tray… I could not continue further with the heavy pain.
Please Try to find just comfortable on Christmas day. The pain is the horrible thing in our life.
See you in Next,
Bye,
M. Karunakaran
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Hi Karunakaran.m,
Thank you for your reply and kind thoughts…very appreciated .
How are you today ? Any tiny tiny moments of hope or clarity? Silly question I know …I just want to try to offer bit of comfort or hope…and try to cling onto any glimpse of it.
I always remember this HOPE = Hold On Pain Ends.
When feeling so low and angry confused in grief it’s difficult to see things clearly , things can become a painful fog and have to try to keep on hoping and searching I guess…please when I write any of this I’m not belittling grief or your situation at all…because I understand the pain ,it’s always unique to us but only when been through such loss can anyone really understand how horrendous it really is ! And it hurts beyond words…I only mean to try to offer some sort of comfort .
Time, kindness and compassion I believe are the greatest gifts in life …not materlistic things at all…as we both know all too well that at the end of the day those things don’t matter one bit but kindness and care really are the true blessings in life…you never forget how someone makes you feel do you , both good and bad …sorry, maybe I’m going off point a bit but you don’t have to thank me , I’m glad I can offer some sort of help or listening ear to you…
You have been through such huge amounts of loss in such a short period of time…and only recently this year , May was it ? And you too had Covid ? Did I read that correctly? ( I’m dyslexic by the way so please ignore any spelling or grammar errors ) . You use the word trauma quite few times and fear…I sense a lot of fear in your messages…which I feel is completely understandable in your such sad situation…it’s very overwhelming I feel for you…I feel you are feeling a lot of pressure too - something that you also need to make a decision about shortly? Please say if I ramble on too much or too many questions, it all comes from a place of care.
Please only ever share what you feel is comfortable to do so…
You have any hobbies or anything that can be a distraction to you ? As I’ve found that distraction things are needed in order to try to cope and catch breath so to speak , to try give mind a bit of respite from the pain…I know difficult when grief is so very heavy .
I will leave it here for now, I’ve had quite stressful day …seems like lots things going wrong at once and even more difficult when so near to Christmas as things are shutting down…
Take care and again I hope today you have found even that little spark of hope…as it will get brighter…just hold on , breath through it…here whenever you want to chat.
Tray.
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Hi Tray,
I feel so comfortable with your words…
It’s very hard to imagine your painful moments during Christmas… I am shivering when imagine the celebration day with grief.
Sorry…
You asked about my hobbies… I am interested in Singing… But, I could not do this now. I am interested in reading Books. this also very tough now. I was practicing Yoga and Meditation every day with joy when my parents were alive. But, I am unable to practice the Yoga. I am interested in writing. But, I could not do this. Each one is very tough now. I am losing myself day by day.
I am fearing that whether the Trauma will hit my life again. Since, now Omicron is the another Threat. This thing shows the Traumatic moment i faced in my life recently. It makes a lot of fear that whether I lose my wife and son and other relatives.
My hands are so nervous when I type here…
Okay, Tray… Please, take care. I will leave now. May be I will meet you here after a week, since, I planned to go for my sister’s home.
Bye for now,
M. Karunakaran
Hi karunakaran.m,
I hope you have a nice time at your sisters.
Yes, the new variant must make you very fearful and bring up even more grief worries for you.
Are you able to read books at the minute?
I’m sorry I’m little flat in in this message- reply to you…I’m finding Christmas time a struggle…I will be taking a little tree up to my mums grave tomorrow with a card…Christmas is very lonely time.
Sorry I can only manage short reply this time…bit of tearful days.
Again, hope you find some comfort with your sister
Tray.
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