Hi Tray,
How are you ? I came back from my Sister’s home. My sister’s home was very enjoyable once upon a time. But, this time I could not enjoy with her. I felt so depressed there with painful memories over there when my parents and expired relatives joined together before 2 years for my sister’s son’s marriage event.
We watched the marriage video. I saw my mum and dad in the video. I could not accept the present moment without them. My heart fulfilled with yearning contained feeling of “Will they come again in my life…?”
Sorry, Tear… You are also facing the same painful memory of your mum. It is very touching my heart to hear you place a little tree for your mum.
Christmas and New Year… you faced with painful emotions is melting me.
So sorry for the horrible moments we have been punished by God.
The time with my sister’s home gave me a little bit of console to my heart… However, we did not find peaceful and happiness due to the loss faced by us.
Sister is my cousin… She is taking care of me like her own brother. We share everything in our life every day over phone. She also lost her mum (My aunt) within two days of my mother’s death. You know our family faced the Terrific Trauma by series of 7 deaths within 15 days, totally 10 deaths within 10 months.
Life was very wonderful for me when my parents were alive. I cannot find any happiness if God gives more and more wealth hereafter. I will ask to give back my parents instead of wealth.
Now, I have only responsibilities… no life.
In India, Omicron variant has started to spread vast. I had only first dose vaccine. I should go for second dose next week.
Okay Tray, take care… I leave now and see you in next.
Lovely to hear from you, just sad it’s in such difficult circumstances.
Thank you for your kind words…you have a nice way with words.
How are you finding today ?
India , I’m not sure of time difference to UK but you say Covid is increasing? That must maybe make you worry more…you have your 2nd dose next week you say ? Your wife too ?.
You have lost so many loved ones in such a short space of time…you must feel so overwhelmed at times, a lot of times…it’s difficult to get head around such loss. It’s tragic and heartbreaking…I wish I had a magic wand or words of comfort for you…I’m.always here to listen.
Have you found any comfort today ? I really hope so.
I will have to leave it here as I had some dental surgery today and feeling very tired.
Hi Tray,
it is more comfortable when I see your words.
How are you today after Dental Surgery ? Hope you get well now.
My wife already had 2 doses of vaccine. I have to go probably next week.
Grief, Pain and Fear are my today’s life. Sometimes I think why should I live with these hereafter. The confident built by mind keeps my hope only a short bit of Time. Then, automatically I return back to the sorrow and pain.
It is very tough to go with tasks every day. There is no interest in anything. I could not show love to my wife and son. I don’t know what is happening in my life at this stage. Apart from these, a lot of commitments and responsibilities are in front of me. I am now indecisive in everything.
I could not accept my parents sudden leaving. They left with no words to me. I missed them with my inability to take care. I was unable to see their faces. I was unable to do funeral activities for them. Oh Amma…! (My Mum) Appa…! (My Dad) What is this life ? I want cry loudly… But, Tears do not come. It is in the form of fog in my heart.
Okay Tray… Bye for now! Take care! I will share my memories with my mother and father in next mails.
I lost my dad in march 2021 i was the 1 to find him dead i thought i was coping well but only gettin worse and turned to drugs to try cope with every day life i ha ve a 18 month old boy who i love to bits but since my old man dying ive turned to drugs i hate myslef for it but i dont no what else to do i cant talk to any1 about it only reason your reading this is because im of my head on drugs and drink and its the only time i can comftably talk about it
You put " tears ,form the fog in my heart " that really touched my heart as I can relate to what you mean…grief really does fog the heart ( and mind ) it’s so so painful and difficult .
I would love to hear your memories about your mum and dad …please do share with me , what you are comfortable with.
You sound like you have your mind on repeat , repeat for the unanswered questions you have and for things you wish you could have done or seen…you sound like such a compassionate and caring human…I understand that such thoughts and feelings can make you feel like going crazy ,as I do can have such thoughts even all these years on…they are less loud and colourful though…but it depends on the day…I can have very bad grief days as I call them…it helps to talk to people that have sadly experienced such loss as not many understand…it can make you feel lonely and scared.
You say you want to cry loudly…I can feel your pain. Tears fall for a reason and they are your strength in a way…you care deeply…I know the pain can be and feel overwhelming though…it’s easy for the mind to get into a negative cycle…but remember tears are OK.
Firstly I’m so so sorry for loss of your dad and in you finding your dad…that’s incredibly distressing and difficult for you.
I can feel your overwhelming pain in your post …I’m unsure what to say exactly but I wanted to reach out to you…I think it’s brave to write what you did…it can’t of been easy be it on drugs and drink or not ,it’s still a brave and big step to do that.
Do you have any support around you at all ? I really really hope you do…
Im so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum at Christmas to covid. It all happened quickly and i wasnt allowed to see her, its so heartbreaking not being able to say goodbye and tell her how much i love her. It has really destroyed me its so difficult to keep going
Now only I feel that Karunakaran is only an illusion because his world till his parent’s death is only based on their love of him. Now, that illusion is struggling with the reality.
I remember my childhood days… Those are very green. My father was a Primary school Teacher. My Mother was Home maker. We are middle class family. I have only one elder brother. We did not lead luxurious life. But, We did not show interest on this. When I remember this, those days which will not come back were very peaceful to us.
When I was admitted to Kindergarten, the first day was very painful. I cried loudly and did not leave her by picking her saree (Indian cultural wear).
Today also I am crying… But, I have no mother to touch her hand. She left… She will not be with me ever. God is the Crazy!
Nice to hear from you… I’m sorry I don’t unfortunately the below that you wrote ? Bit confused…I’m dyslexic so it’s probably how I’m reading it.
Now only I feel that Karunakaran is only an illusion because his world till his parent’s death is only based on their love of him. Now, that illusion is struggling with the reality.
Your father was a school teacher ,wow, how wounderful and your mum a home maker both such caring and important roles.
I agree, I’m not a material person at all, as it’s the little things in life that mean the most, things that cannot be brought but can only be felt with by the heart…I prefer to collect moments not things…this is even more true when experienced such loss as we have…no amount of money can buy such things.
The simple things in life really do mean the most.
How is today ? You say you work ? That must be difficult as I imagine your concentration can come and go with grief.
You sound like you were so close to your mum from a young child, you put crying holding onto her saree ( beautiful clothing ) …that must be a difficult memory ?.
I feel for you crying…it’s so painful…I keep crying for my mum too…I always think it doesn’t matter how old you get sometimes you just want a hug from your mum…mums have magical powers to make bad days seem OK and give comfort.
Hi Toni,
When I lost my mam I was only 16 and she died suddenly due to a brain hemorrage at work. One of the main feelings I felt was guilt when talking to other people in my life who loved her. I came to realise that not telling them didn’t make much of a difference and when I spoke to them it took a weight of their and my shoulders.
Hi Tray!
I find so comfortable with your words. Thank you so much.
You have said that you have a little bit of confusion with my words you quoted. The thing what comes to say is I am nothing after the loss of my parents.
I feel so guilty on cause of their death. Day by day… my grief is going worse. I am unable to think of rebuilding my life without them.
My son has started to hate me and wife now. My wife is so pity in this situation.
The grief and fear makes me physically bad. I could not walk normally. Something forces my walk abnormal.
I am losing my hope in life. I feel that I am unfit to live in this situation.
I don’t know what will be happening to me and my family. You are right… I am going very Crazy.
I pray my Mum and Dad to recover me. But, nothing happens.
Sorry, Tray… if I trouble you with my negative words.
I don’t think you are going mad…I just feel you are in deep grief and overwhelmed by so much loss…it’s understandable to feel as you do…10 losses in such a short space of time is alot !!! I really feel for you.
I’m sure your son doesn’t hate you…maybe he is finding it very difficult too and picking up on your feelings too…he is young and maybe feeling scared and worried about his dad and mum…it’s a difficult age and now such loss and Covid ongoing…it’s alot for adult mind.
I don’t mind you writing ’ negative ’ things as you call it…I don’t see it like that , I’m glad you feel you are able to share as bottling things up can make it even worse…when just kept in the mind it can extra difficult…I wish I could help you more.
How has today been ? …I sometimes on bad grief days feel like I’m going mad…it’s a horrible and distressing feeling…my mind can race with so many thoughts of loss and the pain of missing loved ones, so I know it’s not much but I hope in me sharing such things it might make you feel a little less like you are going crazy and maybe little less alone in grief.
I think India is so many hours ahead ?? I have a huge world map on my wall but unsure of time difference.
I hope you have found some comfort in today…maybe it might help to share your good memories of your parents ,like you did before…just a thought but only what you are comfortable with.
Hi Tray!
Thanks a lot. You are understanding my position.
I am unable to find comfortable in any day for the months since the loss of my parents.
You know, In our state in India, the Tamil cultural festival day PONGAL is coming on January 14th. These festival is celebrated for almost four days. I like and enjoy this festival. But, hereafter there is no chance. God put a full stop for me to celebrate this.
Usually, Here Tamil people will clean and white wash their homes before this festival. The concept of this festival is giving thanks to Nature. First day, they prepare Pongal (Rice, Ghee, Milk recipe) and dedicate this to Sun. Next day they prepare this and dedicate to Cattles. The last day friends, relatives and neighbors are joining together and enjoy this day.
Everything were going fine in my life since last year. In last Pongal festival, I enjoyed the occasion with my mum and dad. But, this year everything is in the form of emptiness.
Last year I cleaned my home with my mother and wife. But, this year we did not make this. Whenever we think that occasion, the vast of emotions and pain arise.
Oh God…! Please give back my mum and dad…
My heart is crying… But, God is not ready to hear…
My heart goes out to you…your end part of your message sounds in such despair and distress…May I ask your religion ( if you still have ) as you mention God quite few times in different messages to each other.
The festival you mention sounds lovely to me, the celebration of nature you say…I can imagine it now brings up painful memories and times were life was very different for you…sometimes it’s nice to think back to such times and other times it’s just incredibly painful isn’t it…do you have many photos of your parents ? I’m guessing it’s too painful at the minute to look at them ? In my first years of grief I couldn’t look at any pictures as I would almost scream out in pain…the agony in my heart felt like it was killing me…I am able to look at some pictures now …but that took a long time and still now have ’ bad ’ grief days…it hurts beyond words sometimes.
Is there any like lockdown or anything in India at the moment? Forgive my ignorance on not knowing…I know Covid here in UK is very high atm.
Will you be doing anything on the 14th January, or is it just too much ? It’s very understandable if so, so please don’t put any pressure on yourself…somedays all we can do is breath and get by …be kind to yourself, that’s most important.
You’ve asked my religion… My religion is Hindu. My mother tongue is Tamil.
It is quite a painful moment I have to face now… I am unable to tolerate the happenings to me.
I feel so guilty to live without them… My Mum and Dad did not leave from me in a proper way… They did not leave the final message for us. Suddenly, they have missed from my life.
Every day… every moment… My heart is yearning for the days we lived to be returned again. I am crying for what might be the thinking of them when they were facing their last moment.
I am shivering when I think that they are not alive. There is no word to express my feelings about this.
Hindu…my friend is Hindu, he lives UK but his parents live in India…he is really missing his parents and worried about them.
You say you are losing hope…I remember when I had that feeling too…it’s horrible, I felt like in some sort of despair…I had to really fight to find any meaning in life …I still struggle with it…I don’t have children.
How is your son and wife? Is your son able to concentrate at school since the loss of so many family members.
Guilt is a natural part of grief ,along with anger …anger is closely related to fear …grief brings up so many emotions and it’s also exhausting! I hope you are being kind to yourself.
I was lucky in a sense that I was with my mum as she passed …you seem to have many unanswered questions…I sense your fear and anguish…I remember you told me you do have some family members you can chat to ? We all handle grief differently though…
I can really feel the love you have for your parents…I really feel for you.
I will have to leave it here for now as need to get to chemist.
Please be kind to yourself and rest when you can .
Hi Tray!
Sorry for the late reply. I had gone to my sister-in-law’s home with my wife and son… That’s why I was unable to reach you.
Your words are true… All the emotions make the life very tough to lead.
You told me that you have an Indian friend… very nice.
Time is going without caring about our loss… It has been almost eight months since i lost my father and mother.
But, still my mind is in freeze state at that moment. I have to take care of my wife and son. But, My mind is not getting ready. I don’t know how long this state continues…
Every day in my current life is passed only with grieving… yearning… fearing… and overwhelming with lot of memories and emotions.
This state of mind is indirectly killing my family’s future. I am unable to find little bit of happiness anywhere.
I am unable to think my life without my parents…
Guiltiness kills me anytime. Though I try to compromise my thoughts, my sub-conscious mind is not ready to accept anything. It is seeking only my parents.
Okay… Tray! I 'll leave for now. If you wish, you may introduce your Indian friend.
How is your life now…? Hope you may find comfortable moments in your days.
