I don't like this life that I now have to lead

So here I am, I’m relatively new to this group and have read many posts from others but I just can’t recall posting a message so here goes… it’s 6 weeks’ yesterday since my partner suffered a cardiac arrest whilst we were out on a normal Sunday doing what we had always done (out on a bike ride). Following being rushed to the regional cardiac centre (this was after being assessed at our local hospital) he had 2 stents fitted and I thought everything would be okay and he would make a relatively good recovery, how naive was I. It turned out that he had also suffered from starvation of oxygen to his brain which led to swelling of his brain which over the subsequent days got worse and led to his passing almost three days later.

The time since has been a complete rollercoaster, I have the support of family and very close friends but I’m still feeling very lost and very lonely. I can’t quite bring myself to tell family this as they all have their own lives and they may think I’m being ridiculous. I know they are trying their best to support me but the reality is that I hate this life that I now have to lead. We were together for 28 years and did everything together, we were a good team and we were so happy. After all this time together we were finally going to get married. Now I feel I have been robbed of my future and my happiness and I can’t see at time when I will be happy again.

Everything I am now having to do (paperwork) feels like I am erasing him from my life and I don’t want that at all.

I really miss everything about him even the things that when he was here did annoy me a little, I’d give anything for him to be here just doing those things at the moment. I hate having to come home from being with friends and family to an empty house, not having someone to talk to who completely understood me and the cuddles that we used to have. Everyone is saying how well I am doing but sometimes I want to scream at them and say I don’t want to be doing any of this and I hate this life I am being forced to lead. At the weekend I went into a supermarket and must have looked like the most strange customer ever, I wandered around aimlessly, not knowing what to buy (it’s really no fun food shopping for one), got upset and frustrated at all the other couples and families doing their shopping, I had to leave with just three items in my basket as I couldn’t stand it.

What I hate most of all is that I now have no-one to go on holiday with (we used to go on cycling holidays to europe, mainly Majorca and France). I know I probably shouldn’t be even thinking about holidays at the moment but it’s hard not to when family and friends are busy booking their summer holidays. Whilst I know they deserve it, I sit there thinking I’ll never have that again. I’ll never be able to go to the places abroad that we went on holiday to together doing the things that we loved doing. We both worked hard and tried our best to arrange holidays for when we had any time off to give us both a break and a change of scene etc.

I’m hoping that at some point family/friends may ask me to go along on a holiday with them may be but I don’t want to expect that from them or to assume that they may think of me.

I’m very slowly coming to realise that everyone else is moving on with their lives and their plans and I’m stuck in a big hole that I never wanted to be in but due to the situation it has been forced upon me. Nothing will ever be the same again, all I really want is to go back in time 6 weeks to before this all happened and so I can have my old happy life back again with my partner. Never for one second did I think that I’d be left on my own at the age of 50.


@LonelyLady I know how you are feeling. My partner died suddenly at work 9 weeks ago. We did everything together. We had so many things planned for this year. We had booked a trip to New York for November only 3 days before he died. We were meant to be going away for my birthday in 3 weeks. All I keep thinking is of all the things I can’t do now. Don’t want to do as it won’t be the same without him. The loneliness is awful. I do have my 2 adult (20’s) children still at home, and friends will come over but they still have their lives to live. They can still make plans to do things. I just feel as if my life has stopped. Like you all I can see is couples everywhere I go now and think how unfair. One thing I have learnt on this awful journey is to take one day at a time. I try not to think too far ahead otherwise the outlook is too unbearable and hope I somehow manage to get to a point where life is bearable again. X


I totally get everything you have said, I lost my hubby last year, the 1st anniversary is coming soon on 26th of the this month and I’m dreading it, it will actually be a double 1st as our wedding anniversary is/was 24th, he was 66y and we had been married for 46y, I have actually found things much harder since Christmas than I did before so much so I’ve now been put onto antidepressants which is something I never wanted to do and did refuse in the early months, I am retired and this retirement isn’t what I had hoped and planned for, we had 2 cruises booked for last year which is something we both loved and enjoyed so much together, one that was to be taken for our anniversary the 2nd was to celebrate retirement, I couldn’t get all the money back from those bookings as Barrie hadn’t taken out the travel insurance, he’d been waiting to do it as was looking to book another for this year again for our anniversary and said it would be better to get the annual insurance instead, being a tidy sum, well to me it was as it was around £5000 it was a case of use it or loose it, I really didn’t want to go away without Barrie it just didn’t seem right but I’d be damned if I was going to loose it all, plus Barrie had told me to do it, so I did and went away for a week with my daughter, and we are going again this year which will be the last of it, but it’s just not the same.
Over the months too I have really found out who my real friends are, of course there were many who left messages in the beginning but now I don’t see or hear from any of them, I only see my son & daughter every few weeks, I have a neighbour who pops over to check up on me once in a while but that’s it, I am totally isolated, I don’t go out much as I can’t do much due to health problems and if it wasn’t for my car I wouldn’t get out at all, it’s such a lonely life, I wake up in the mornings wondering what to do, there are plenty of jobs to do around the home but I think why bother, it’s only me that’s going to see it so many a time I just turn over and go back to sleep, when I do get up I don’t always bother to open my curtains or even get dressed as I know I’m not going to see anyone, I make lists of jobs to do to try and force myself into getting things done, that list can sit there for weeks with only 1 or 2 things crossed off.
I think sometimes why am I still here, what is my purpose, I don’t feel I have anything left to live for.


Wow, that’s sounds like you’re having a tough time. It sounds like you don’t want to give up or you would have by now. Friends don’t really know what to say or do to help and to be honest , there isn’t. No one can help you but you can help yourself. Why not set a small task to do each day. Maybe open those curtains and let some sun in. Life is hard , I’m only on 9 wks but I push myself to go out and walk. I also bought my self a puppy. I needed a reason to get up and have a purpose. That was a challenge but now she settling down and we are getting into a routine. The only one who can make me ok, is me. I hope you have some better days soon x


Nothing to really add but to say I feel exactly the same. I hate my life now. It’s torcher, I get up each day and go through the motions. Nearly everything I see or hear reminds me of my husband and I’m close to breaking, I have to keep pulling myself together, it seems to much to bare at times. I wonder how I’ve made it this far.

I can’t imagine feeling this badly forever.


I know its awful … my husband had a heart attack many years ago and had a stent in … he survived that but damn cancer got him 4 months ago ! He was such a handsome , happy man and he is so missed ! Only 60 … :frowning: xxx


Puppy … i did the same :slight_smile: does help doesn’t it ? Xx


I get what your saying but with mobility issues it’s not as simple as opening the door and going for a walk as I can’t do that now, I had wanted to get a puppy but with the way I am now it wouldn’t be fair on it. I do set myself tasks to do and sometimes I do them but other days I really can’t be bothered, doing things for myself isn’t the same as doing them for someone else.


Absolutely, found it overwhelming at first but now she’s settled and she’s a ball of energy and I have to get up and look after her, she has a great personality too x


Yes, that is different. I understand that. :heart:

So sorry for your lose….that’s what everybody says…you say Thankyou that’s ok, but it’s not ok!!!

I lost my partner 6 months ago and I am still struggling to carry on with life. What goes on in your mind is what’s everything all about?
You see people/ couples walking hand in hand and just wish you could have that back. All your feelings are normal. I too struggle with what to buy when doing the food shop. Luckily I have my little boy who has kept me going…he has given me a reason to carry on….without him I really do not know what I would have done.
My partner went in for an operation aged 47 and never came out of theatre, we were not married but planned on getting married this year, We had been together for nearly 30 years. He was my best friend my sole mate and I feel that half of me is missing.
Please try not to shut yourself away, try and get out (I know it’s not easy). I find reading some of what other people are going through helps as it shows that you are not alone and your feelings are normal.
Hopefully one day we can look back and not feel so alone but content with what we had as so many couples have never had or shared a partnership like we have had.
Keep strong and just take one day at a time. I am here if you need to chat.
Lots of love xxx


@Cordelia you are so right many won’t ever have the kind of relationship we had with our loved ones. I had only been with my partner a few years before I lost him 9 weeks ago but we both knew we had found our soulmate after both being in an unhappy relationship previously. All I have heard from his family and friends since he died was that they had never seen him so happy, or telling me how happy he was with me. I know they were all trying to give words of comfort but it made me feel worse. Knowing after finally finding happiness we’d both had it taken away. I just hope as you say one day I’ll be able to look back and know I made his final years the happiest he’d had.


You would have made him happy :blush: be proud of that and wear that as your badge of honour … i know my husband relied and loved me right until the end and im happy about that :slight_smile: that’s about the only good memory i have x


Hey…How are you today?

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My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel trying to battle on but nothing is the same, I some days can’t even bring myself to go through the motions as I think what is the point, it’s only me I’m doing this and that for and I really just don’t care, I need to feel needed, I need to feel like I’m doing something for someone other than myself, I had dreaded Christmas without him, yes it was bad obviously but I got through it, what I wasn’t prepared for were the days, weeks that followed as I got very low and had lots of disturbing thoughts and was constantly crying, I have never been one to ask for help I battle on with whatever it is on my own, very stubborn really, but it got so bad I kept being told by family and a couple of sort of friends that I needed to talk to someone, I didn’t at first but eventually I did via one of the Mental Health groups I’d had counselling from just after loosing Barrie, she said it was time I spoke to my GP and get some medication, this was offered to me before too but again I’d refused it, I got told off by my GP when I did speak to him needless to say I am now on antidepressants, I do feel a little better but I’m not there yet, for me the worst is still to come, our 1st wedding anniversary apart then 2 days later the 1y anniversary of his passing, so a double whammy, I expect, or at least hope that one or both my children will be with me at some point.


Hello luv i know exactly how you feel and i am two years 6 months on from my partner of thirty four years dying.I dread every Xmas and most occasions really are an ordeal i feel as though my world has shifted on its axis and i know you and others on here will feel the same.Its hard not to resent other people’s happiness and people say the most thoughtless things.His sister said “why don’t you join a dating site”? this is from a woman who hasn’t had a long term relationship since she was 22 and recoils in horror if i suggest she does the same .I don’t want dating sites i want my life back of course i know its impossible but that’s what i say to myself often.Sorry to vent guys its unusual for me to appear vulnerable and lost but that’s how the day finds me.Hoping everyone who is sad feels better tomorrow if only a little…


Hi, it’s a terrible time for you so just take everything as it comes. I wouldn’t worry about putting pressure on yourself, just get through each day. Do what you need to do to get through. Sadly, no one can go back, you have to plod through this hardest of journeys. Be honest with your friends and family. Tell them how you feel and let them help you. Best wishes as you navigate your way through…xx


Thankyou for that…I am sorry to be so negative but I am alone in this my mum is disabled and my dad has dementia my aunt who I am close to is 88 years old and cannot take the stress of me unburdening…I have friends but it’s so difficult to talk about my grief to them that’s why I am venting on this forum.I am not naturally a whiner but I think I am stuck and need professional help


Youre doing ok :+1: dont be too hard on yourself ! Its a hard journey we are on ! Ive never felt so emotional or in so much pain in all my life ! Its very normal in our situation you know … anger, crying, shock. I told a lady in another post to read languages of loss by sasha bates ! She describes her pain and her emotions so well and it may mske you feel better xxx

Thankyou for that and i will read that for sure…I read my previous post back and thought for goodness sake Deb(me) stop it just try to divert and snap out of it…So i am going to dig deep Deb