I don't want to be here

My wonderful wife of 37 years died of covid on 9th December. She’d been in hospital for 18 days. Her nurse helped us with a video call as she was going to be put into a coma. That video call now haunts me, my beautiful lynne’s face was distorted due to the mask having to be tight. She was scared and so frightened and there was nothing I could do. I had the phone call on the morning of the 9th to say she was dying and did I want to see her. Of course I drove into London to be with her and say my goodbyes. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I held her hand and spoke to her but new she had already gone, a huge part of me died with her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, she was my world, my life, my best friend. Later that night I was so drained I went to bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t stop the pain. It was then I realised I didn’t want to be here. Its now 3 months later and I truly wish I hadn’t woken up that day. The pain is so bad every day, I break down all the time. The world goes on around me but mine has stopped. I can’t work I still don’t want to be here , I want to be with lyyne. If I could end this I would, this is torture.

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Hello @Pete2 . I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Lynne. It is still very early days into this awful journey but you have survived to be able to make a lasting legacy to Lynne by helping others.
I must admit that I never realized that so many other couples were absolute soulmates as Mike and I were. We are all hurting on this forum but we all understand each other’s feelings. Someone who hasn’t been bereaved can never understand the severity of the pain. Be prepared for the insensitive comments that may come but ride them out. People really don’t know what to say to us.
Please keep posting here Pete as there will always be someone to hear you and help you.
Don’t forget that counselling may be an option for you where you can let out your feelings without judgement.
Love and light.x

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Hello Pete2
So sorry for your loss my husband passed December the 5th
Due to covid same as you I drank and took tablets
Can’t see any point off being here at all
My husband didn’t do the video call he told doctor
He didn’t want to scare me so that hurts me a lot
I was with him when he passed
And everyday I beg Andy to not let me wake just want to be with him
Take care xx

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You’ve taken a brave step reaching out for support @Pete2. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. I’m hearing how difficult things have been since losing her. Losing the people we love is the hardest thing to go through and I want to reassure you that we’re here to help you through this. We might not be able to see the light through those dark days, but it’s always there. Keep going :yellow_heart:

If you feel like you’re in crisis and need some extra support outside of the community, you can always reach out to one of these organisations below:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop.
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
  • If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

Keep taking those brave steps Pete, you deserve this support.

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Pete2

Sorry for the loss of your loved one, I too lost my partner to covid on a ventilator on 03/02. Unfortunately we are all in the same boat but we do understand your pain.
This forum has helped me so please keep posting and reading.
I also have had times and still do that I want to be with Tim the pain inside is unbearable relentless and I sob uncontrollably. Our four children and two grandchildren are the reason I am still here I can’t bear to bring them more pain. I contacted my GP it wasn’t easy but I am receiving help with medication and counselling with TalkingSpace and cruse.

The advice I took from here was one day at a time get through it the best you can sometimes it’s just each hour by hour.

Virtual hugs

:yellow_heart::yellow_heart:

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Hi pete2, I’m so sorry for you sad loss. I lost my mum 5th jan 21 and husband 15th jan 21 both to COVID also my sister 15th may 20 to cancer. Like you I don’t want to be here, I feel so lost and alone, I have 1 son who is obviously grieving too, so try not to burden him too much but he is the reason I’m still here! I take medication to help and I am waiting for counselling with Cruse. I’m new to this site but find reading other’s messages makes me realise the feelings and despair I have are ‘normal’. Be kind to yourself :yellow_heart:

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Hi kira
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss, you must be heartbroken
This is such a cruel time to be grieving, just when we need human contact, my son lives near by but is dealing with it differently. He doesn’t understand my loss is different to his, he has his own family. The grief and despair are normal , but so so painful.
Be kind to yourself also.

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Hello Debbie
So sorry for your loss of Andy.
I can hear you struggling with your journey, grief is is so debilitating but to be taken by covid is just unbearable. Andy was thinking of you when he declined the video call, he didn’t want it to be a memory. You guy’s must have been so in love. I feel for you debbie and hope you find some inner strength.
Be kind to yourself

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Hello pete2
I love Andy more than anything and i am hoping I will be with him soon, there seems no point in anything at all,
We are all suffering so please take care x

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Hello Debbie 55
I’ve had a bad day today, needed some shopping. Walking round the supermarket with tears in my eyes.
I’ve had to take it an hour at a time to get through. I found a good box set on TV to occupy my mind, it gave my head and my emotions a rest. You are in my thoughts, please be kind to yourself and take care.

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Hello pete2
I find food shopping hard I really don’t know what to buy just for me
Don’t like eating food me and Andy loved
We brought 3 packs off bacon from makro in November
Still all In freezer can’t touch them Andy use to make bacon sandwiches sat morning
Went and sat down cemetery for 2 hours today
Told him off for leaving me here
Please take care xx

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I’m so sorry to hear you sad story.
My partner passed away in January due to covid and I was with him at the end.
It was comforting in the beginning but now plats on my mind at all times.
I struggle every day and always relieved when the evening is here.

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Hello Paula71
So sorry for your loss so hard to carry on
My husband Andy was my life struggling every min off the day
I just take each hour as it comes
Today I mop the kitchen floor haven’t done that since Andy passed
Can’t be bothered with cleaning just about manage to keep myself clean text me anytime please take care xx

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My partner retired on Xmas eve and was making plans for January when covid struck.
I just was convinced he would come home from hospital.
Sadly that was not the case.
The house has a strange eerie silence to it and feels so empty x

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Hello Paula71
House feels soulless it a horrible feeling
On the gin now drinking a bit to much
All these horrible feelings we go thru
My birthday was Saturday didn’t celebrate at all
Can’t face anything
Take care xx

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Hi Debbie 55
I used to cook for us both. now I just keep it simple, what ever I feel like eating, even if it’s a sandwich. Its an effort to do anything. I hate the mornings and the nights. I’ve read that anger is part of the grieving process, there’s various phases apparently.
I’ve survived another day,
and that is partly because I’m talking, so thanks. I can say how I am really feeling rather than replying I’m ok. Please
Stay safe.

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Pete2
Yes say how you feel I do not sure my sisters like how I talk
But I won’t lie to anyone
Feel on this site people don’t judge as we are all walking on the
Same path
Take care please xx

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Hi Debbie55
Sorry for your loss. I haven’t cleaned since my husband passed, every time I try I end up crying because I think I’m cleaning him away!! I haven’t changed our bed yet either…I’m not sleeping in it!! xx

Hello Kira
So sorry for your loss I am the same
Can’t do anything it really is heartbreaking
And all my family are talking about is coming out off lockdown
And going on holidays I don’t care if we stay in lockdown
For years
Take care xx

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Every day I cry uncontrollably, the pain is unbearable. Marti is on my mind 24/7. Shopping I cry, cleaning I cry, washing up I cry, eating I cry.
I too wish I went with Marti he was the only person I lived for, but now my life is over.
Every day and all day is torture, I really can’t see the point, what’s there to look forward to without Marti.
Sending you all a hug
Amy xx

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