I don't want to be here

Wow, my wife went yesterday of covid. So many people affected by this horrible virus.
I was lucky to be there and hold her tight as the ventilator was turned off.
Boy this is going to be hardwork looking at some of the posts.

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It’s a long journey ahead of us all.
It’s surreal at first and then it hits you, the reality that there not coming back.
Everyday life is tiresome.
I muddle through the day in disbelief.
Always crying and find going out such an effort.
However, this is all part of the grief and we take one day at a time.
Being on this site is therapy for us all.
Understanding one another pain.

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I feel so much for all of you. Am so sorry for your losses.
I am slightly ahead of you all in that I lost my wonderful husband of 32 years last June. It has and still is the biggest challenge I have ever had to face. A long time healing, but as time goes on it improves. There are still tearful days and memories I cherish. It is lonely too and no one to discuss problems with but the “I can’t live without you feeling” gets better slowly.
I find now I cherish the lovely memories and feel so lucky to have been privileged to have had such a wonderful husband, family and a couple of very supportive friends. I do a bit of voluntary work too.
Life goes on and it will get better for all of you, hard and takes adjustment and time.
Xx

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Morning
It is a horrible heartbreaking journey
I feel like it getting worse
Miss Andy so much but this site does help
As somedays I feel like I am going mad
And I pop on here and read what others have put
And we are all suffering
Please take care x

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Be strong. It is the worst nightmare. Think of the good times. You are strong and not alone. I’m praying for you. X

Amy, be kind to yourself. Feeling like we do and suffering depression are part of the healing process. You deserve to find happiness, so that you can begin to heal. Sit quietly, look at the flowers, birds, sky, and appreciate its beauty. You will not always feel so wretched. He will want to see you smile. Healing hugs and love.

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POLLY333
Thank you for your message.
I just feel so empty, lost and in despair. The evenings are so long and quiet.
Wretched is the right word in how we all feel.
I’ve always been a pessimist and trying to think positive for my future is difficult.
I don’t have friends or other family so find I churn thoughts over on my own.
Coming on here helps as others feel the way I do as sometimes I actually feel manic in my thoughts.
Sending you all a hug
Amy x

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Amy, like you I feel lost and empty at night and when I wake in the morning. The realisation that he isn’t here and never will be again makes me still feel panicky and sick. Once showered i start to improve.

It is so hard, good and bad days so don’t expect too much too soon. As already mentioned there are 7 stages of grieving, each one plays a part.

Virtual hug. Xx

Hi Pete2
I couldn’t agree with you more.
This past year has been utterly horrendous and the sheer cruelty of keeping loved ones apart BY LAW is just beyond words.
I watch tv a lot too but the news is just more misery about this hellhole called life.
I dont want to feel better or for time to heal me. I want my partner back.
I never want to start again or pick my life up. It was over the day I lost him and im in a living hell. :sob::sob::sob:

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Dear elle68
Thank you for writing
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your partner. Its so sad to hear just how many loving couples are broken by the loss of their life partners . Like you my life ended the day my wonderful lynne was taken from me. Every day is torture, I breakdown several times a day. Our goals and dreams have been torn up. I’m depressed, frightened, lonely and having some very worrying thoughts. I’m unable to watch the news any more as they show sick covid patients and it just breaks my heart. I was made redundant in January and have some work lined up next week but am terribly fearful of it. My son says he is proud of me and thinks I’m doing well. He doesn’t see the pain inside me, my chest feels like it’s going to explode.

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Dear Pete2, I am awake at a very early hour - couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to get up early and come on this site -saw your message about losing your wife. I feel so sad for you and I realize you are , like me and many others, about to embark on a new course in your life. I know what that’s like - I’ve been doing it too. I go thru moments when I break down each day. I do everything for myself. My wife and I would go to the store together and if I went in a different aisle to look around, I would normally spot her in a different aisle. She would smile and wave at me, she was always looking out for me (How I miss those times now). In fact my son and I go out together to talk and have a meal – he says the same thing and also says that I seem be doing well. Like you, he doesn’t see the lonely and sad man that I have become. I didn’t mean to ramble on Pete – I just wanted to share this with you. Please take care of yourself. We all care about you and each other.
Herb (aka greencat1950)

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Hi,
I’m having a bad day,
It’s been 7 weeks and each day gets harder.
My partner went into hospital in January and was induced coma for three weeks, so it seems like an eternity since I last saw him.
There is no rule book for grief and it hits you at times when you least expect it.
I’m not sure what the answer is.
I muddle through each day and I’m grateful for the evenings as I realise I’ve done another day x

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Daz
I lost my mum on the 4th of February, due to covid she was my life she was my world, I have no partner, my mum was more to me than having a partner, I can assure you it is going to be very hard. I am as heartbroken as I am sure you will be. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be with mum. X

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You are very brave. I bet your dear mum is so very proud of you, and I’m sure, doesn’t want to see you in pain and unhappy forever.
Please remember all the happier moments you shared together. All of us who open our hearts on this wonderful support network, are feeling as you do. You are not alone. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy again and it will come with your dear mothers blessing, She is not far away…just send a smile, and you will find she smiles back at you. Xxxx

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Thankyou for your kinds words. When I think of the great times we had together, I end up with more tears knowing there isn’t going to be any more of those great times to share. Sorry I can’t even think straight as all I think about is my dearest and most precious mum. I pray every night for her to come and fetch me. My life is nothing, and I have nothing left to live for. Xx

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Hello @JP20.J

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement. They offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services

Take care,

Mick
Online Community team

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Dear Paula71, I’m sorry that you are having a bad day. In fact, by your posts you have had a few days like this. It’s been 15 months for me – I know what you must be feeling - every day is a burden. I certainly can understand how it must feel each day. I get days like this quite often- even today is one of those days - can’t seem to shake it. It’s hard most of the time. Sure, I have a small family and I have visited when I can - but seems to be an uphill struggle just trying to get through the day. I’ve been told to get over it - (Yes, easier said than done.). I sleep in late and have to make real efforts to do the simplest of things. My attention span is getting short and I have had a few glasses of Gin just to sedate myself. This covid has us all in a lockdown - in my neighborhood I hardly see anyone outside - I feel like I’m on a different planet. Not to discourage you but you are probably going thru what many of us on this forum are experiencing,. I try to keep busy , watching the TV and going on this forum - it helps a little.
I look at the picture album of my wife and I and then again, I find myself wishing I could live those days over. I do hope you will manage to get thru each like the rest of us. I wish I had a practical answer for you - but I have none for myself either. So this message is to let you know you are not alone — I am certainly in that state like you - I know I hear you! Wish you well - take care!
Herb

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Thank you for taking the time to write and reassure I’m not alone in my grief.
As you say there are no practical answers to it all.
It helps to know we’re not alone in this sad journey.
I appreciate your kind words.

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss. The loss of a partner, the love of your life is so different to any other loss. Your life as it was ends too, it’s hard for other couples to understand. Today it’s 15 months for me and I still don’t want to wake up in the morning. It still wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t wake up, each day is one step closer to being with him. But I have people here who need me so I carry on one day at a time.
Everything from what’s on the tv to what’s still in the food cupboard reminds me of my love, my soulmate. I like the memories, they keep him close & that’s what I want, they don’t just stop being your husband. I’ve done a few things in the community in his name, like sponsoring the junior football team. These are the things that keep me going & his memory.
We also lost our first grandchild in January, she was born sleeping, she was too perfect for this world. My Derek wanted so much to be a grandad so we comfort ourselves with the fact that he now has her with him.
Each day you will get through as hard as it is and you have reached out, this group was a step forward for me and reading that others feel the same makes you not feel alone. I also found writing things down helped get the thoughts out of your head. However random you think they are, someone else is feeling it.
Take care

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Thank you,
It does bring some comfort knowing others understand what you are going through.
I smell his dressing gown every night.
So sad that you also had to endure the loss of your grandchild.
That must of been devastating for you all.
We just have to go on getting through each day however tedious .
:two_hearts:

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