I have just joined this group because I feel that I am going backwards. My husband died around six months ago I find myself crying more than ever. I miss him more now than I did in the first few days. I feel so many different emotions about what has happened . He was my anchor and my rock and now I feel lost and scared all the time. Will this come to an end?
I lost my husband just over 6 months ago as well and find myself crying more now than when he first died. I think there is so much to organise etc that it doesn’t really hit you till things calm down and you find yourself on your own. There is a lot of support on here and hope you find some help talking on here, take care x
Hi @Ferret8 and @Su2, I’m so sorry for the both of you for your loss, only six months and it will still be hard.
It’s been just over a year for me since my husband died.
The first few months you are on automatic pilot, there is so much to do, organising finances etc. But you get to a point where people drop away you don’t see anyone so much, your confidence drops, suddenly the penny drops it’s no longer us it’s me on my own. It’s hard when you been used to being us.
So I’m not surprised you feel more emotional now and your going through the year of first’s, everything is harder.
It does get easier, just takes time. I still cry on a very down “miss you” day. I had one yesterday, but as time goes on you learn to cope better.
It takes a long time for your confidence to come back, I do now go out and about locally but I still can’t go away or long distance trips on my own, I need to be with someone else for moral support.
You will take one step forward and three back it is part of the journey.
Love to you both. Debbie X X
Thanks Debbie. I have found that my confidence is zero and trying to explain to people about this is hard. I have found that my parents really don’t get it at all but then they are in their eighties and sort of expect me to just move on like their generation generally do. i have struggled to find help as most of my friends moved away from where I live and my neighbours are all much older than me. Sometimes I think I am expecting too much too soon but I don’t really have any idea of what is normal for this situation.
I was told this analogy by cruse last year that when you loose a significant person in your life the brain sort of freezes, it allows you to function and take care of some issues that need attention, then over the months it slowly defrosts and at this time more and more feelings are felt and emotions try to process the pain and hurt we all feel. I lost my wife of 38 years in Feb 2021 and even now i struggle to process everything. its now the small things that catch me out, they come out of the blue, i have no expectations as far as my grief is concerned, I still take the days as they come and try to deal with whatever happens on that day, I can do no more.
Thank you Tonyo42, that explains alot. No wonder I am struggling at work. I used to be so super efficient at work and on top of my game. But now, some days I struggle so much at work, can’t concentrate, sigh an awful lot and like now I should be working but sitting here looking at my phone.
I just feel so tired all the time, and my mind has brain fog, often lose track of what people are saying to me. Just want home time to come.
Did wonder if I was losing my mind.
My husband died in March 2021, we’ve been together 47yrs, 44yrs married. Yes it is hard, just one day at a time.
It’s nearly time to go home so I better get back to it.
Love to you all Debbie X X
You are so brave and also very helpful to others’ on here. Can we offer you support right now?
Married a lifetime, how could you get over this? Yet it sounds as though you are trying. I thought Tonyo’s remarks from Cruse about the brain freezing when someone dies and then slowly defrosts, explained grief and the ability of the brain to function very interesting and accurate. Actually it helped me to learn that too.
Do you have any close relatives or friends who you could arrange a dinner or outing with, or a walk? It would help to have something to look forward to even once a fortnight. As I live alone myself, I can empathise with the emptiness of house, heart, and the right people to spend time with.
You are clearly a very thoughtful and kind person, so keep on responding on here, I’m sure your responses help and will help to heal you too.
Thank you Miche24 for your kinds words, it brought a tear to my eye.
Yes I do have a very good network of family and friends. I meeting a friend later for lunch today.
I think the problem is my social group of friends are all retired and I still have 20 months to go.
My nemesis, is working, regretting I didn’t retire earlier to be with Doug. We thought we had time. I’ve struggled with working since he died and the only person that would truly understand is no longer with me.
But being on this forum helps. It is good to share and respond with others that are struggling too.
Thank you, Debbie x
Thank you for your reply. I do understand your feelings about your work and wonder if you could shift your thinking a little. It has and does give structure to your life, which in this early stage of your bereavement is vital, much as you resent it. It’s so hard to wake up with no purpose at a time like this, to see the day stretching ahead with nothing to do except be sad
So although you say you are struggling and I understand this, going to work, being involved and talking with your colleagues, could prove to be a positive part of your healing process. And you haven’t got long till you do retire so save up to give yourself a treat when you finally leave work.
My thoughts and a hug
I heard that when we lose someone and grieving we also lose 80% of our functioning brainpower and this sounds about right when I think back to what I was like that first year or even the first two years.
I agree always have a purpose each day no matter how trivial. It does help to get us back on the path of some form of normality.
I also try to never look back and have regrets, it is the road to nowhere,
I live alone but have made a nice network of people that I meet with when walking the dogs. Some of them I now call my friends.
I’ve thought about what you said, and will try to be more positive about work. I do have great colleagues and on the whole my employer is supportive. I think I just got lost.
You are right it does give me purpose and if I carry on as I am it will be a very long 20 months.
If I look on the bright side I work in a school only 65 school weeks to go and 2023 is only next year.
Thank you for your support
It is now fifteen months since my husband died, I am feeling it harder now. My two sons have their own lives. Struggling with a large house and garden on my own. Life really isn’t fair.
Your right life isn’t fair, if it was our husbands would still be here.
You can only do what you can and take each day one at a time. I’m lucky in that respect we did move from a house with a large garden when we realised just how unwell Doug had become, to a bungalow with small garden. So I can manage, I can understand how difficult it must be for you.
Take care, Debbie X
I totally understand, I feel the same , my mood can change so many times even in one day. Its 1 year since losing my dad and 4 months since losing my mum. Once the initial shock has passed ,people move on but I am beginning to feel worse .I guess it’s the reality that this is you for the rest of your life, your not the same. I feel so lonely yet have people around but its a strange isolation even in a room full of people.
I read your post with a full heart. I’m sorry you are struggling and hope you will find the comments by others here reassuring for several reasons. The first is that there is true support here, and secondly, you can see from this page that so many understand your pain and have and are enduring the curved balls grief and loss throws at us.
I can only say that losing two parents within a short time of each must be devastating. It’s a lot to deal with and you won’t do it until you are ready. Small steps, keep up with your friends, do at least one thing that will please you every day,. Taking care of you will eventually give you strength to go on and live a good life, which both your parents would want for you.
My thoughts are with you,
I thought I was doing ok until the last couple of weeks, now I find myself back to square 1 , its been 14 months now and this last weekend has been devastating, My thoughts have reverted to the very dark place I was in before, I have requested some 1 to 1 counselling, hopefully this will not take long. Nothing specific set me off but it has been building for a while. the loneliness and solitude do not help
I know how you feel. Weekdays I can manage to occupy myself but the weekends are very lonely. Family feel I should just get on with my life but it is difficult after 40 years married to the same person.
I am in total sympathy with how you are feeling. After a while you hope you are coping and then it all comes crashing back without warning, and it’s as raw as those early days. It is the pattern of grief and so hard to bear.
I’m glad you have organised some counselling and hope you get to see or speak to someone soon. However, if you feel you can’t cope please try calling or texting Shout, It may take a few moments to respond to your call but hang on.
Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support …And do look at their websites. Good luck with that.
I’m sure it helps to express your thought here Tony, you’re not alone with so many good people to offer their thoughts and help.
Keep us informed of how you are doing please.
Thank you for sharing Tonyo42. This really helps me understand what is happening. I just hope I can keep going.
I too struggle some days after over 50 years of marriage We both loved gardening and we lost ourselves every weekend doing jobs around the house He still worked full time and loved his job but now I too struggle with a large garden keeping on top of things. I miss greatly sharing the day with him when he finished work. It’s nine months now without my soul mate . Keeping busy can be exhausting sometimes life is so different now. Keep on going on this treadmill trying to stay strong.