@Ferret8 what you say is exactly what I experienced following the loss of my mother. This was January 2021 and I am having enormous difficulties adjusting to this new situation. My anxiety is through the roof and has been since last August. I don’t know how I can help you find a way through but I know what you mean love x
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@tonyo42 this is exactly how I feel. My husband Doug died in Nov '20 and I feel like any “progress” made has suddenly fallen away. Plummeted.
He was my whole world. We even worked together, self employed - before Covid laid waste to it all.
Now, I’m without my husband (best friend, partner,
co-parent… and all the other roles he filled) without work and facing a future that’s totally alien and really frightening.
I really feel like someone detonated a bomb in the middle of my life and I’m alone in the crater. Its impossible to “pick up the pieces” because of all that’s completely disintegrated.
I don’t know where I’m supposed to even start.
I’m waiting to start 1-to-1 counselling too.
I hate feeling this way. I’m a stranger to myself.
I hope you’re finding the strength 
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Feeling the same seventeen months since my husband died. Finding life harder each day. Just have to keep plodding on.
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I’m so sorry to hear that youre feeling the same way @Carole2. You’re right, we have little other option but to keep putting one foof in front of the other. Its unbelievably hard though.
Wishing you strength
Thank you, hope your councilling helps x
Thank you. I really hope it does too. I know nothing can mend the damage but, I’m hoping I can find enough little things to keep myself afloat. I just get so frustrated by how little control I feel I have over any of it. Its maybe just a perspective thing though.
Take care of yourself
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@Loveliday I’m sorry that you feel like you are going backwards in this navigation of grief. I sometimes suffer from horrendous panic attacks and longer spells of anxiety about the future. I find a good strategy is to aim for a day at a time. Some will be OK and some will be dreadful I suppose. I didn’t find counselling helpful, maybe because I was retraumatising myself by revisiting the dreadful period in our lives. I did feel that the counsellor was too interested in talking about his own experience of grief which was no help. For me, trying to create new routines, making time to meditate and do my breathing exercises is improving things. My dad is using a strict routine to manage his grief because without the structure he finds life very hard. I hope things do start to improve even if it’s only a tiny improvement each day x
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Just a thought when you said that the Counsellor was talking about his grief. Counsellors ares not supposed to be laying their problems on the client. They are trained to focus on the clients needs, not their own. Maybe you had an inexperienced counsellor or one who wasn’t getting the right supervision. If your bad experience has left you feeling counselling is not for you, it might be that you had the wrong counsellor. Very understandable that you might not want to go down the counselling road again after such a negative experience. Counselling is not for everyone but any properly trained counsellor is well aware that it’s not about their issues but about their clients issue. If they have issues they need to get counselling themselves. All of this is no help to you though. I Send you all my wishes for some healing and a reminder that you count too. You deserve compassion and support from others and self compassion. We are all in need of that as we slowly and gently find a way to cope. This can seem impossible as, speaking for myself, I feel like my heart has been ripped out. Sending you love today and as you go forward on this painful journey xxx
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@Nell2 good morning and thanks for the kind words. Well I wasn’t happy with the counsellor! In the past though I’ve done CBT as part of a treatment plan for anxiety disorder. I didn’t click with that therapist either so maybe this approach is wrong for me. I try whenever I can to look forward now as opposed to backwards if that makes sense. I tend to think that because of covid, so many systems are not working properly and yes the bereavement councellor did want to offload but I think I’ll give it a miss in future. Trying to navigate the process of grieving is so difficult isn’t it? I am having some success with the breathing exercises for panic and I am getting slightly better with sitting with uncomfortable feelings when meditating. Maybe this is as good as it gets at this stage. In any case I send you good wishes and I hope today is slightly better for you x
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Hi @Ladysuisei and @Nell2
During the early months I went down the self help route and used this book, I think at the time if helped me, and many of the things it suggested such as starting a journal and writing letters to Doug, I still do.
Overcoming Grief by Sue Morris- a self help guide to using CBT
But lately I have hit a bit of a brick wall, and on my GP’s advise I going to try councilling, she referred me to Talking Therapies and I’ve been doing an line course called Silver Cloud, again through my GP.
I’m keeping an open mind, also as suggested to give it a try by @Poppy1990, started doing meditation, to help with sleeping.
Debbie X X
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@Debbie57 hello. I used a CBT guide for grief with mixed results. Actually I would suggest giving meditation a go - I use Headspace and I always listen with noise cancelling headphones which blocks out other distractions. I think in the early phases of grief ( which we all seem to be) it’s just a case of keeping going. Just by showing up every day, no matter what our support is. Hopefully in time these dreadful days will lessen x
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Hi Debbie when I go to bed to help me sleep go on YouTube and listen to Jason Stephenson he does sleep meditation I’ve have been listening to him for the past year and in the day when I get time mark Williams x how are you doing xx
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I’m sorry friends I can’t find the energy to mention everyone by name but I’ve been reading all your messages gently nodding throughout. The feelings of recogniton, validation and understanding that i find among your words are so precious to me, I want to thank you all.
I feel utterly bereft today.
I feel fragile and hollow and so intenselydamaged. Tears are constantly half a heartbeat away. I’m really struggling to access any strength today.
Sorry for offloading but it helps to have somewhere I can say how I really feel.
I hope you are having an easier day xo
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It’s certainly a step in the right direction. It feels awful beyond words sometimes but you are beginning to find ways that help, even if only a teensy bit, is a start. Feels to me like being in the dark in a storm on a road full of obstacles and no map! I didn’t think it could hurt this much but I do think over time, being kind to ourselves definitely helps and so does a bit of hope. Not that we will be like we were before but we can slowly slowly find a way to accept what we can’t change and begin to see the world outside again. I’m finding that I can read books again for example. I’m a lifelong reader but couldn’t focus on a single page. That pleasure is returning. I even laughed at a joke the other day. Lots of small comforts will start to return for all of us I hope. Sending you heartfelt wishes as we all stumble along. X
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Hi everyone, on that road I think I’ve hit a pothole today. I had a long heart rendering message from our son while I was at work, he’s struggling. It’s tipped me from a the sun is peaking through day, to its definitely raining. Missing the wisdom of his dad, has hit us all hard today. X
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That’s the trouble with grief, it just ambushes us, just when there was a glimpse of sunshine, it sends the rain and potholes. It’s too much sometimes but we have to plod on, or should I say limp on. Wishing you more glimpses of sunshine and your family too xx
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@Nell2 yes I am beginning to think that anything that helps can only be a good thing? You mentioned reading - well funny thing is that for many months after I lost my mum I had no concentration for reading. This is after a one book a day habit approx. All of a sudden I realised that I was concentrating, the story was going in so this must be a positive. I do tend to read " lighter" than I once did because of the mood it creates, but I think it’s a good start. Best wishes for the coming days x
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Me too, it’s such a relief to know that the love of reading is being restored. I’ve also got into audiobooks too, I put them on a timer and pick a book that’s as you say lighter reading and it does help me drop off. If I wake in the middle of the night too, I put it on and it just lulls me back. Strangely it’s the spoken word that helps me drop off, music seems to stir up my already ragged emotions. It definitely feels a step forward being able to start enjoying books again. It’s a hopeful sign I think xx
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Hello.
I’m very sorry to hear what’s happened to you.
I lost mum. I grieve for her and my dad.
I also feel like I’m going backwards. We were incredibly close and I feel so lost without her. We laughed all the time and she she knew all my secrets.
I’m sure do too but it’s an inconsolable grief. I can’t stop crying and feeling stunned. If I do laugh for a moment at something or have even had a niceish day out…I’m riddled with guilt. It may feel it appears I’m OK and feel happy and I’m not. I put on a strong exterior for the sake of everyone else.
I don’t know about you but you float in and put of shock and then the realisation they aernt coning back through the door. I try to think she nipped out or gone to the loo and will be back to cope with it when we’re amongst family.
But I agree with you. At first it’s pure shock and now the tears just won’t stop when I’m alone. It leave a pain in your chest.
I hope your alright. It must be very hard for you as I can see my dad also struggling.
Xx
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@Nell2 oh yes I am not good these days with music. Which is something I used to love., I do find my emotions get in the way if I listen to certain types of music, especially music that carries memories of family times etc. Isn’t it awful that with a single event in life ( losing a mother) absolutely everything changes? I have always been very emotional and sensitive but these days I feel emotionally battered as you say too. I suppose it’s a case of just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best x
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