@Willow22 oh life is far from alright. Like you, I worry immensely about my dad’s welfare now. I am finding it so hard to adjust to this new life and I feel ever so sad knowing dad feels this is it. Nothing to ever look forward to? In fact, the only enjoyment he has these days is visiting my mum’s memorial at the crematorium. We go once a week, which I feel emotionally draining but dad actually lives for these visits. I wonder if this heartache will ever be slightly easier to bear x
And the crem is such a sad place too isn’t it.
We have a blossom tree that is growing and a bench to go and sit on. It will grow into a wood. It quiet and peaceful with a lovely view and lake. It’s a place of peace.
If any comfort could be found…that’s a nice place to think.
Heritage wood, Ashbourne. X
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I am sorry for your loss, its so difficult isn’t it? But please don’t be hard on yourself there is no time limit in grief x
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@Willow22 yes I personally find the crem difficult to visit but I go because my dad wants to. I often get upset if there’s a funeral going on especially if I see the hearse arrive. I really don’t think I’m having a good time at the moment. I go through periods of extreme anxiety and panic and I can feel this coming on. I’m doing some breathing exercises to try and calm down. We have a memorial for mum. Dad didn’t really want a tree, but actually the trees and benches are looking particularly nice at the moment. Take care this is hard isn’t it x
@Mishy hello there. Yes I am coming to realise there’s no time limit on grief. Strangely I find certain individuals expecting me to be over it by now but I don’t think it can be rushed. It will unfold in its own time I believe x
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@Willow22 I feel for you, you must have been so close to your mum. I think lots of the things you’ve said will resonate with many of the people here. One thing that struck me is when you said you feel guilty if you enjoy things. I recognize the reaction, my hand used to clamp itself over my mouth whenever something made me laugh. However, I know it would hurt my husband terribly to see me so miserable and I know he would long to see me smiling & laughing. I’m a mum, I’ve watched my son grieve his dad and I long for anything to give him respite. I genuinely believe wholeheartedly that your mum wouldn’t want or need you to demonstrate your grief, it sounds like you were extremely close and secure in your love for each other. Theres nothing to prove. I’ve experienced a phenomenon whereby wholly positive things, e.g. witnessing something beautiful or something that makes me laugh, can leave me feeling the loss more intensely. I think the phrase “learning to laugh again” refers to a more literal process than I ever realised before.
It took a ridiculous amount of time for me to really start understanding that he wasn’t coming home. I say ridiculous because I remember an instance right back at the beginning when I got all flustered and mixed up sorting out his funeral and I remember thinking “oh I’ll just put it aside and we can look at it together when he gets home” which goes to show what deep shock death can cause - it would be comical if it wasn’t so tragic. I think when you’ve lived with someone as a central figure in your life for so long it’s so hard to make yourself understand that they can’t be there anymore. I’m sure that not wanting to believe it also plays a part. Your mum is the one who’s been there for you all your life. She’s someone who loved you since before you were even born. A parent is such a huge presence in the fabric of a person’s life and their death must leave such a vast hole. My heart really does go out to you @willow22. That’s why I wanted to share a mother’s perspective with you: more than anything else, we want our children to be happy and it’s deeply upsetting to see them hurt. Watching my son grieving his dad is almost as painful as grieving for Doug myself. Hearing him laugh freely is one of the few things that genuinely throws light into the darkest chambers of my heart and I’m 100% confident that his Dad would feel the same.
Dear Willow, when you next find a chance to laugh and enjoy yourself, please take it. Don’t feel guilty for being happy because I’m certain that your mum would want you to be, in fact I truly believe you’ll be making her proud 
xo
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I know how you feel love. The past two days have been terrible for me. I was starting to feel okay but now I feel like I’m back to square one. Crying and heaviness in my heart. I believe I caused my own pain by reading past text messages between me and my son. I just wanted to feel closer to him and for an instant I did. I thought I was ready to go there but obviously I was not because after that I have had 1 1/2 bad days. I say one and a half bad days because hopefully the rest of my day will get better. Just when you think you’re doing a little better than bam I hits you all over again 
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