I feel like I want to die

My husband of 21 years died on 6th December, he caught pneumonia and then sepsis, totally unexpected, he was always so fit. I am getting so much support from family and friends but I am totally devastated. I cry all the time, the weight is falling off me, I can’t cope. I pray to God he will take me too, I have felt suicidal but am too afraid of the consequences of not meeting with my husband in an after life if there is one. I have been reading all the posts on here and this is the first time I have posted. I have never felt so wretched in all my life, everyone would describe me as a strong and capable woman. I long to touch him, speak to him be with him. How do I go on?

You will go on if you want to go on…do you have Children? Your Husband would not want to see you this way. I have lost all my Immediate family x

Yes Sarrah, I have three amazing grown up sons who are also in shock, my grandchildren, friends, my daughter in law. I know Ian would hate to see me like this but my life has lost it’s meaning without him. He was the centre of my world. I don’t know how to live without him?

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Hi

It’s very very early days for you all, its absolutely heartbreaking, painful, you wake up and feel you are in a dream, then reality hits you. Sudden death is awful I lost my Brother, Dad and Mum this way. You need to just focus on one day acts time only. Yes life does lose its meaning I know. Just take one day at a time and surround yourself with family x

At a * sorry not Acts

Thank you Sarrah, I know I am not the only one as I read on here. I know my desperation is because it is all so raw but I just don’t want to live my life feeling like this. I am better when people are with me but go to pieces when I am alone.

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Mrsrocky…
…same here, people think i am a strong person but deep down i am as weak as the next one after losing my partner Richard of 20 years…We had met in our later life, he was 74 would be 75 next week, me being 68 and there has not been one day i have not cried literally cried or gone to pieces since his sudden death 11 th April last year…My world has now become the loneliest place on earth…

Jackie…

So sorry to hear you as well Jackie, we have a lot in common, this was my second marriage and we were married 20 happy years, I am 67, too young to be a widow. Ian was only 71 and I thought we had years ahead, we planned a holiday for this year and were looking forward to Christmas together. All gone and in it’s place my broken heart. I feel for you.

I know exactly how you feel, this life we’re left with is just so lonely,
I lost my husband six months ago and I sit here now looking at his empty chair his kindle and glasses his photo and crying my heart out,
I have three wonderful kids and three beautiful granddaughters and when I’m with them I’m sort of ok but it’s this house I used to call home that I find so very hard
I was sorting through photos yesterday to find nice ones of him for the girls so heartbreaking miss him so very much
Take care hugs to you all

Linda the thought of 6 months of this hell fills me with horror, it has only been a month and it feels like a life sentence to me. Glad you have family like I do to support you.

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I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It sounds as though it was unexpected and a huge shock. Your loss is so recent and raw and it is understandable that your grief feels overwhelming. The advice we see often shared on this site is to be very kind to yourself and to take things day by day or even hour by hour, trying not to think too far ahead.

It’s important to allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to, so cry as much as you need to. It’s good that you have supportive people around you. This site is also a good place to use as an outlet for your emotions - you are among people who understand here.

I’m sorry to read that you have had suicidal thoughts. It can be very common to feel that you can’t go on, but it’s important to have some support and be able to talk about these feelings.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

If you ever feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

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Mrs rocky, I am shocked at the similarities of our stories. We had been together for nearly 30 years. He was totally fit, until 27/12/18 when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He passed on 23rd November 2019 and his funeral was 11th December. The utter devastation is overwhelming. And I too wish to be with him.
We have 2 sons. Our youngest, 26,has been really bad this week. He says that it is getting worse. I said that the reason for this is that at the beginning, you are in shock. And then the grief can come out of nowhere to kick you in the stomach and drag you onto your knees in despair.
He has been saying that he doesn’t know what to do. What can I do to help him?
I am broken and in pain. My kids are in pain. My pain, intensified. A very sad time for us all x

I’m sorry. I forgot to say that in the last days it wax sepsis and pneumonia that had my beloved x

Hi, I lost my partner on the 7th December in a car accident. I understand your feelings, I have also felt suicidal and long to be with my partner but scared of the consequences if I did go through with it. It’s just getting through one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. “ Grief, I’ve learned is love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corner of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go”. I believe they are with us everyday watching over us as our guardian angels. I will be praying for you x

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Beautiful words. You have articulated so well what grief feels like as we live with it and had the courage to share with us all so early in your loss. Stay strong and remember you will find friends here who know exactly what you are going through and be there to help. Thank you for helping us too x
Much love
Sandra :blue_heart:

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Surround yourself with people that care about you x

What you feel is perfectly normal, there isn’t a day goes by when I don’t wish I was dead to be with my partner. I have been at the suicidal stage several times, that too is normal. Whatever you feel is right for you or you wouldn’t feel that way. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Crying is really good, tears are beneficial. Nine months on I cry frequently, and if I haven’t for a while I play sad songs or her memorial service DVD to make myself cry.
I almost laughed at the advice from this site and other places about if you feel you may harm yourself, if they have been there they would know we consider death as a release not harm. However I agree with your sentiment on what your partner would want, they do not want you to join them before your time, they have more life to live through you.
I’ve just completed a period of therapy because I was suicidal and got referred by my GP. Not once did my therapist tell me suicide is wrong, she would ask what was stopping me. The answer is always the same, my sweetheart in heaven. I don’t know if she would forgive me and I can’t spend eternity alone without her.
In that context I have to wait until my time, whenever that is. In the meantime I pray to be taken every day.
How to go on is another matter, you have to force yourself to get involved in activities, talk to people, anyone who will listen. The one thing you can do when you’ve lost everything that mattered to you is - ANYTHING - that loss means you no longer care what other people think. I sing in choirs, I had never done anything like that in my life but it didn’t matter if I screwed up or was no good. You know what? Other people don’t care either. It’s not about how good you are, it’s taking part and mixing with other people who are also flawed. People respect you for having a go.
I can’t tell you it gets easier because I have found it gets worse with time. What you do is find your own coping mechanisms. Speak to your GP, there is Cruse bereavement counselling or just ordinary people dealing with grief. You are alone but you can make that lonliness less unpleasant.
Take care, Carl.

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Carl you are doing well and should be proud of yourself. Of course you don’t think you are doing that well. we can’t see it in ourselves. Today I was told that I was positive and doing well and making the effort to get through this but as it happened I felt a complete mess this morning. So others can see what we can’t.
I’m afraid I have to smile when members of this forum are advised to see their GP or as I have seen recently to ‘pop in’ to the doctors. As some of us can confirm you can’t get an appointment even when very ill. I tried earlier this year and couldn’t get to see a GP although I hadn’t seen a doctor for nearly fifteen years, so not a time waster. I ended up in A&E, a three day stay and transferred to another hospital for an Op, yet I couldn’t get to see a GP and I had something seriously wrong.!!!
Again well done on the choir, it’s a massive step. I’m also going to give it a go in the spring, think I will be ready then.
xxxx

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Whats the point in going to our GP, all they want to do is put us on anti-depressants, this is there answer to everything, their miracle cure all’s… they wont bring our beloveds back…plus we are needing a clear head to deal with what we are needing to deal with…the funeral arrangements-the solicitor, etc, etc…It might be the solution for some which is a personal choice if they think it will benefit them…

Carl…
…it is also nine months for me and not one day has gone that i have not cried…

Jackie…

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You are right there too, quick fix for the doctors with their endless waiting lists x