Maybe I’m fortunate Patti, or maybe it’s because I walked into the office and told them I needed to see someone now or I was going across the street to kill myself. I meant it too.
I saw a doctor within 30 minutes, I was offered antidepressants but turned them down at that time, I did request them a couple of months later, that doctor sat and listened to me talking and crying for an hour. I was then referred to counselling, I have just completed the eight one hour sessions.
In the end what we do comes from within, all a therapist does is listen and make you think. The sessions are emotionally and physically exhausting. I cried, talked, even laughed at myself during the therapy. But they gave me some confidence back.
Someone else who helped me inadvertently was my local MP, she posted something on social media I read and got involved in activities at a community centre. She also gave a courageous speech in the Commons on how she was a victim of domestic abuse. That inspired me to talk openly and freely to others about my depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s liberating when you no longer have to hide it. I met her and thanked her in person then canvassed for her during the election campaign. Knocking doors of strangers, talking to people on street stalls for an election is a huge confidence builder, and I met lots of kind and caring people in the Labour Party. I’m pleased to say she regained her seat in Kent with an increased majority.
I go to the over 60s centre, I joined a choir, I go to a chat group in the local library and this evening I joined the church choir. That was a little scary because there was only one other man which means they can hear me sing!
They said I sing OK and they weren’t just saying it to humour me. On Sunday I get my robe.
A year ago if anyone had told me I’d be doing these things I would have laughed at them. Even I have trouble believing it’s me doing them. I stood on a stage with a choir before Christmas and sang for an audience for the first time ever.
The point is everything has changed, we no longer have comfort zones so we can do anything. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out, no one cares, no one is perfect, but they respect you more for trying than not attempting it in the first place.
We have all lost the most important person in our life, but I feel mine is watching over me, guiding me and protecting me from my worst instincts. I still get depressed, still have suicidal thoughts but I am less likely to act on them because I force myself to take part in activities, things which not only weren’t in my comfort zone, but not even in my imagination.
My angel wants me to survive, she also wants to experience new things through me and have a laugh when I screw up and sing the wrong words.
Take care, prayers and blessings, Carl.
I sat and gazed at a photo of my husband tonight, I lost him coming up to 9 months ago, he was only 52 and it was drastic and sudden. I’m 49 but as I look at him, yes I miss the touch , the comfort the love, the security, the strength he gave me…I miss hiss soul the most, the person he was, the time, energy he gave me and the children. I am now starting to feel him around us, his love and warmth. I have some very dark days and I’m sure they will never go but my hubby soul will live with me forever and I will carry it forward x
Dongle…
…nine months for me tomorrow 11th April i lost my Richard age 75, it would be his 75th birthday in one weeks time…I have cried every day since i lost him suddenly and unexpectedly…I am hating every single lonely and isolated day inside this parkhome, i am trapped here with my MS, no car and family 140-150 miles away…I just dont want a different future, a future that is not the future that will follow on from the 20 years we were as a couple, as we met in our later life years 20 years ago…i still cant believe that my 20 years with Richard and our three gorgeous dogs is now all over, where did our life go…this is it now, my reality and i do not like this one bit…i am really 50% - 50% as to whether i want this to end, whether i have any fight left to carry on or whether i want to push on to an unexpected and different future that i was not wanting nor expecting to ever materialise…i just want a continuation of my previous future, the one with us growing older together, at least we both should have had another ten plus years of retirement before our days were up, the future that has now come to its abrupt ending of which we have been robbed, since it took my Richard away from me…
Jackie…
Sudden death is awful and will have a huge impact, I have lost all my Immediate family two was sudden death. x
Sarrah…
… life as an orphan is a lonely life, no matter of what age we were when we were made an orphan…all my uncles and aunts and both parents were taken away when i was in my 20’s and 30’s…
Jackie…
Carl I hope you don’t mind me saying but you are a truly amazing person and inspirational, I hope we can all follow your example. I have been asked to join a choir and decided I will in the spring. I am making the effort to mix and today I have received aphone call from a neighbour who asked me if I wanted to go to a concert at the local church this evening. I was somewhat surprised and my first instinct was to refuse but I’m pleased to say I didn’t and will go alone and hopefully enjoy it. I have offered to help with the gardens at the local hospice as I am a keen gardener and could be useful but then I was presented with a four page form to fill in and they wanted my CV (at my age, we didn’t even have CV’s) my schools and colleges and what exams I passed (can I really be expected to remember that far back) as well as four references and as I don’t have contact with many old friends that might have known something about me but chose to not make contact this past year that is a difficult one. This is all to do a bit of weeding and planting not to be the Managing Director. So I don’t think so…
Your Angel is certainly looking over your shoulder and I would say is so proud of her man and will be with you always.
Keep posting like this Carl and give us all a push in the direction you are bravely taking.
Love Pat xxxx
Hi Jackie,
Yes it is lonely I have 3 sons but they all have their own lives too x
Dongle, so sorry for the loss of your husband, after reading your post, you’ve given me a tiny glimmer of hope, I lost my husband 16 weeks ago totally unexpectedly, he was 53 I’m 48 and we have 3 children, I know the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in which is horrendous, the fact that you said you feel his love & warmth around you is so heartwarming. Everything you said about the person he was and his soul being with
you is exactly how I feel, I just can’t feel him around me yet, all I feel is total heartbreak & dispair, but I know it’s early days, it’s just this feeling of him vanishing into thin air, he was here, then he wasn’t. I often look on this site but have only posted once before, but had to respond to yours as it completely struck a cord in me.
My first instinct is to refuse things too Patti, it’s hard to make yourself do things when you’d prefer to be alone. Being alone is not good for us though. You ladies are much better equipped than men are emotionally. Lone men are considered a much higher risk for suicide because we don’t talk much and when we do we don’t share emotions. This is why the messages on mental health are aimed at men more than women. A lot of the things I go to I am either the only man or we’re heavily outnumbered by the fairer sex. Men of my age group and older were brought up being told not to cry, thankfully that is changing. Tears are a huge benefit.
Joining a choir is good but more disciplined, they want you to learn new songs. Two of the churches near where I live hold singing for health sessions, like a mass karaoke, the words are on a screen and everyone sings along. How you sing doesn’t matter, it’s for fun and mental well-being. The local over 60s centre has a session in between the dates the churches use. Everyone I have ever spoken to praises the benefits of singing for mental health. The first choir I joined advertises itself as being for those with mental health issues, their carers or anyone affected by it. Which would pretty much be the entire population if people were honest. It’s saved me. I just came back from practice, it was the first one after the holidays, I made a point of thanking the lady who runs it before I left tonight. Without her and all the other caring people I have been blessed to meet I would no longer be around.
So yes I would highly recommend singing but try not to put it off until spring. If there’s nothing else around you just go to church and sing hymns, they really don’t care how religious you are. Most churchgoers and clergy are kind and caring people you can chat with and cry with too if you need to, I certainly have.
Get out there and do it, feel good about yourself even if it’s only temporary.
God bless you Patti, take care, and let’s hear some hallelujahs!
That’s alright saying that if there is anyone that cares about you. Not everyone has someone , which a lot of people find hard to accept. We are not all inundated with this wonderful family and mounds of friends. That is the trouble with society, thinking everyone has someone when they don’t. It can be most upsetting.
This was one of the first things i was wanting to do, get closer to God when my Richard died, go to church but i shan’t even begin to talk about three churches that have let me down badly due to the very isolated place i now live in, trying to get someone with transport to take me there, well no one would volunteer to come to take me in, even though i am without a car and have Multiple Sclerosis, hence the reason i want to sell up and move back towards where we had come from just two-three plus years ago, bad move on my part, as if i had known what i know now, that we would lose our dog number three, then soon after i was to lose my Richard, i would never have up-routed neither of them 140 - 150 miles away, i - we, would have stayed putt where we belonged…well at least i gave consent to Richards older sister ( age 83 from back home ) to arrange for his ashes to be sent back home, his ashes are now in his local crematorium with his brother and his parents, now all i need to do is to get myself back home so i can go pay my respects to Richard, tell him i too am now back home, then go pay my respects to my parents at their-our local cemetery and tell them also i am back home, both neighbouring counties…All i know is i dont intend on dying here, like my Richard died here suddenly and unexpectedly, i want to die back home, back home is where i -we both belong…i too have no one here, no family, my only daughter age 50 and grandson age 31 are both back home…
Jackie…
That was a bit harsh if that was aimed at me, my post was not posted to you directly. Please do not be too quick to judge others.
You have to get out and find people to talk to who care Daisy, they don’t just appear out of the woodwork. They are out there but you have to go to them.
I live with my elderly parents, after my partner died I had nowhere else to go, they are family but they don’t understand, they don’t want me here any more than I want to be under their roof. So every day I go out and do something, sometimes just walk, but almost always someone I am acquainted with stops and talks. When I returned to England after 20 years in the USA in June of 2019 I didn’t know anyone, now I can barely go anywhere without someone knowing my name and my story. In order to survive I put myself out there, I joined a political party and campaigned for my MP, I go to singing groups, joined a choir, go to chat groups, attend church, volunteer for the food bank and other activities.
There are loads of very kind and caring people Daisy, but unless you talk to them they won’t know you are struggling and need their help. Sometimes all it takes is a 30 minute chat over tea with someone who understands to change your mood from despairing to hopeful.
Take care and God bless you,
Carl.
Morning Carl, that is what I had to do, they sure do not just appear. I wish they did, I have met nice people along my travels walking my dog. My so called friends have not been there for me either. That’s why I enjoy being outdoors with nature.
Oh yes outdoors in nature, how i love being surrounded by trees and birds…Now if i still had my walking ability ( of which i do not ) i would walk, walk and walk with dogs once again, just like i once did which does not seem that long ago, yet now seems a million miles away to the life me and my Richard once lived, but i do agree, being amongst nature is ones natural healer…Please look up John Muir quotes…
Sarrah…
…glad to know it wasn’t my above post to yours that was your offending post…you had me worried for a few seconds…
Jackie…
Hi Jackie,
No not at all…
I am going to look up John Muir quotes x
Sorry if I worried you. I was just a bit upset what was aimed at me x
Re surrounding yourself with people who care, I agree with that as the last thing you need is negativity. I found my true friends and have been so lucky to have made new ones … without their gentle care my progress would have been much more painful 
The ones who were only interested in being part of a drama are no longer part of my life.
My post was not directed at anyone in particular. Was just saying that some people have no one and find it really hard to make friends. I have never liked being the centre of attention and never really liked to talk that much. I was not judging anyone, just stating that everyone is not the same. I have my opinions as you have yours and everyone else will have theirs.
I am not an outgoing person. Never have been. I have been suffering with anxiety a lit lately. I work 3 days a week but i am the oldest there. People have their own lives to lead so don’t want me being intrusive. They are all so much younger than i am so don’t really understand, even though i say how i feel. I go out once a week with someone who retired. So i have tried. I have my last counselling session coming up in a couple of weeks. It seems odd to me that you can just be dismissed after so many, as i feel worse now than i did initially. I was sat crying in a shopping mall just before christmas but no one came up to me to see what the matter was. That happened 2 weeks in a row. I know the solution is to meet people and be with people but as i have said before it doesn’t come easy to some of us. Thank you for showing your concern. Take care. Janet x