Ok I’m not getting into a dispute with you.
Hi agree I have grown up for years with negativity and bitterness it’s not part of my life anymore. x
I also know that everyone is not the same and individual so I still do not really get why you targeted me. daisy-janet
Hi Carl -not sure how to just post without replying to someone and yours is the one I can relate to, Yes I have some good friends and two wonderful adult children but at the end of the day and a lot of the time I am on my own - highlighted during the holiday period when it felt worse. I know the turn of the new year seems to have been hard for everyone and I know it knocked me for six. So I made the decision to attend a Wayup quiz night -I knew it was up to me to be brave and make an effort. Just like I tell my daughter who is looking for her perfect partner - her prince is not going to appear on a white charger and gallop down our street !!! For those of you who don’t know Wayup is an offshoot of WAY which stands for Widowed and Young. The person who set it up then set up WAYUP which is for people over 50. It is harder to join than Sue Ryder but that is because it offers face to face meetings as well as an on line forum. Even if you cannot make the various meetings, lunches, walks etc the forum is very supportive - as everyone on there has lost their beloved partners. Well I started off with a quiz night last week and was welcomed by a lovely group of people - (only 8 so not overwhelming) - they have added me to their group email and I am looking forward to making new friends there who really understand. It is not pressured and as it was a quiz it was easy to join in without too much effort -which is very hard for shy people. Just a thought that others may find the group helpful. I have made friends on this forum too - we text or talk every day and it helps me and it helps them - so is beneficial to us all. If you can help others it really helps you too. Small steps but little steps are a way of life for us . I refuse to think of the future - it just fells me so the future is parked in a drawer in my brain that will remain closed until I am ready- if I am every ready. I think what you have achieved is amazing - I take my hat off to you it must have been so hard for you to return to England after such a long time. You have my utmost admiration. Take care everyone and hope that at least one good thing happens today to raise a smile. xxx
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Thought you said you weren"t getting into a dispute with me. I’ve already said i wasn’t targeting you and just giving my opinion.
Sarrah - Daisy - Janet…
…please both (( HUG )) we are all grieving somebody…and our somebody would not wish us disputing - confrontations, call it whatever…let us remain focused only on our now missing person from our life…at the end of the day this is what is pulling at our heartstrings, the one who has drawn us to the Sue Ryder Bereavement forum, the forum no one was ever anticipating becoming a member of…deep down we are all grieving and hurting inside…let us keep our thought on the only person to us who truly matters…
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I’m not I was expressing my opinion. Take Care x
I was only helping and being caring…I just do not understand. But hey ho x
Definitely the holidays are the worst, Christmas was special to us so I knew it would be bad, I didn’t want to make everyone else miserable so I took action to make sure I wasn’t around them. I had talked to someone about it way back in September and they suggested volunteering in a soup kitchen. I contacted the Salvation Army and they allowed me to help serve a Christmas dinner to people who were alone, homeless or had other problems. I felt blessed that day, sitting eating dinner with my fellow, flawed human beings. Boxing Day I hosted a table at a lunch put on by the churches in the town where I live. Apart from New Year’s Day when one church had singing for health there was nothing, it was totally depressing. I had one two hour session in the food bank warehouse but then nothing until everything started back up this week.
I now volunteer for the food bank, my church and sing in two choirs. Volunteering is a good way to get out and involved if you have nothing else. I always tell people I do it because I am selfish, it makes me feel good about myself, but of course it’s a two way street, it helps me and others. As bad as I think my circumstances are there are plenty worse off than me. Lending a hand is good for them and my mental health. I’m also no longer concerned about telling my story to anyone, that helps them to open up about their demons.
Take care, peace and blessings, Carl.
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Least said soonest mended.
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Hi Carl, Do so agree with you. it’s no good sitting at home and then wondering why no one bothers with you. I go out everyday to walk my dogs and meet people all the time to have a conversation with. I will certainly give the choir a thought as I have also heard that singing is a great help. I thought of the spring to join as I don’t want to take my car out at night as I park on road and it’s terrible these days to get parked up again locally. I was going on the bus which isn’t far but the stop for coming back is in a very lonely place and I’m not keen in the dark. I too have my allotment where I meet other people and we have social meet ups. Last night at the concert at the church we was singing to the words on a big screen I also go to another church and do this. Through my dog walking I met this neighbour that kindly rang to ask if I wanted to join her last night, we then returned home got our dogs and went for a late night walk around the well lit recreation ground as it was a crisp, dry moonlit night. Things will happen if you make that effort. I now smile at people and greet them even if I don’t know them this encourages a chat with most people.
Take care. Pat
Hi Trisha, thanks for the information I will see if there is anything like this near me, we are a bit limited sometimes but I am finding groups that are starting up.
If you want a smile or even a laugh have you gone into ‘Thought these words might help’ I logged on and found myself actually laughing out loud, something I haven’t done for a while.
Pat xxx
Hi Pat
Thank you - I found the group so welcoming and not at all intimidating I just thought it may help someone else. I must admit that whilst I am confident at work I am a very shy person and really had to steel myself to walk in alone -but it was not a big group and the quiz gives everyone something to put their heads together on - so did not feel the spotlight was on me as a newcomer. As you know I do try and stay positive and am gradually taking a step at a time. I listened to music in the car today without crying and even found myself singing along (not ‘our’ music not up to that yet) and my daughter bought me flowers and since Gary died I have not been able to face fresh flowers (as I had so many sent to me when people heard - I had about 20 different arrangements) but they look so beautiful on the dining table I am welcoming them back to the house now and will buy them every week again. Gary used to buy them for me - the old romantic that he was. To laugh is good - it does not mean we have stopped grieving or we miss them less and we know our lovely men having made us laugh all their lives would want us to laugh again. I will PM you properly soon. Take care dear lady xxx
Hi trisha Think that was the group i half joined. I say half because there were quite a few questions and when i had answered them i got some more to answer and when i read a few reviews it sort of put me off a bit. Maybe i will go back to finish off and join as you seem to have got on alright. I too find it really hard to mix with people. Its something i have never done. Never had parties or liked a fuss about anything as i hate being the centre of attention. Something that happened in my childhood made me that way. Anyway having read your post i think i should give it a try.
Dear daisy Janet
It did take a lot of courage to walk in the pub ( I don’t drink either so no Dutch courage available so to speak) but they were all so nice and if you can get over that initial awkwardness and start to relax then it gets easier . Yes there do seem to be a lot of quite intrusive questions in order to join the forum but I think as there are face to face meetings they have to be super cautious that people are who they say they are . The group invited me to a ramble and lunch and a barn dance ( would never join in with that - like you I prefer to stay on the sidelines). I too hate parties and avoid things like work Christmas dos - but the quiz and chat was perfect so will just keep to those for the time being at least . I made myself do this as I need to do things to stop myself overthinking - may not work for everyone but it helps me . The other thing I did was put a comment on when I registered to say it was my first meeting and two people messaged me to welcome me and gave me their contact details if I wanted to call them when I got there . I sound like an advert for them don’t I ? Let me know how you get on if you give it a try xxx
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Hi All I had no confidence after my brother was killed, before that I was very outgoing. It changed me as a person overnight. I gained some back, then I became a single parent in my early twenties, single parents have a lot of challenges too. My father died suddenly when my youngest Son was 6months old. I also have had a horrid miscarriage in my twenties. I got stronger again but also got depression and anxiety through the stresses of life. I have had rocky relationships one who was a very heavy drinker. My mother passed suddenly in March to Cancer. I still have some anxiety but the depression is not here. I am very caring and I love helping people. This New Year and Christmas was my hardest point in my life ever., but I got through it. I also worked out over the years who were my friends and who only bothered when they wanted something. I miss all my Immediate family deeply and I always will. I have a partner whom is ex forces and my rock, we have been together two years, he suffers with ptsd, so i look after him too and my 14year old son oh and my four legged best friends who I love to bits and they bring immense smiles and happiness to me. Bye for now All Sarah x
Dear Sarah
I am very sorry for the recent loss of your mother and pleased that despite his problems you still have your partner to support you. I have lost both my lovely parents and it is hard - but at the time like you I had the support of my wonderful husband, It is since I lost him, my rock, that my life has changed beyond any comprehension. It is like losing half of you when you lose your partner - it is not just your present but your future too - all your plans and security are just gone. Whilst I am shy and hate parties and social occasions and am not outgoing, I am a confident person and unlike a lot of people have not lost that confidence. I am, despite my personal tragedy, the same person. I have always held down a responsible job and whilst it was hard going back to work, it was, I think, my saviour. During working hours I cope very well - it is the loneliness of meals alone, no one to watch tv with or discuss the day with - the little things, the emptiness of the house that is what we find so difficult. Take care of your lovely men - and cherish every minute with them xxx
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Hi Trisha thank you for your kind words. My Mum was the same when she lost my poor Dad. I watched her and listened to her suffer everyday and it broke my heart. When I am home alone I have the pitter patter of my dogs xx
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I’m sorry for your loss, my husband died in 2012 so I’m way down the track and at the moment you feel your whole world has fallen apart, there are two groups which I joined which someone told me about Way Up which is all over the country and Jolly dollies for the ladies, they have been my lifeline with holidays, meetups for coffee/meals/cinema, you have to take one day at a time and although family are very supportive these groups do know what we are going through, hope things get easier in time. Take care.
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Dear trish i don’t think i would have any problem walking into a pub its all what follows. The talk and conversations would be the hardest thing for me. It would depend how strenuous the ramble would be whether i could do it or not. I have lost such a lot of weight i am all skin and bone now. Alan and i used to love walking. The barn dance is something i last did at school half a century ago. Like you say if we spend most of the time on our own that is where the danger lies as we start to think about things to much which then makes us sad and the tears and sobbing starts. I presume there will be something in the vicinity of where i live and easy to get to. Do you have to travel far to where you go. Thank you for listening. Take care. Love janet xx