I feel like I'm living two lives..

We would have been together for 39 years this year, he proposed on Christmas Day 2022 and we got married in June last year, 4 weeks before I rang an ambulance for the first time. We knew he possibly had cancer and were waiting for a PET scan but we didn’t know he was in heart & kidney failure, I think he knew he didn’t have long and wanted to make sure everything was sorted for me financially, hence the proposal . He was sent home from hospital twice but ended up back in. I spent every day & night with him for the next 4 months in the hospital and 2 hospices, one of which had some but not all appalling and uncaring staff. I relive this every day :broken_heart::broken_heart:

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What your replaying in your mind keep talking about it painful as that is it sounds unfinished /incomplete . So sorry to hear you had a mixed experience. I nursed my husband at home with district nurses and city hospice adviser for symptom management. His final week Marie curie health care assistants .

I am a retired community sister but I have worked in a different field in the NHS for the past 11 years.

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Thank you Magpie, sending hugs your way as well :people_hugging:xx​:broken_heart:

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I’m so sorry to hear the hospital and hospice experience was toug for you both. After Neil spent a fortnight in hospital with a kidney crisis from his prostate cancer and the most horrendous process of trying to get him home even after the doctors had said he was OK to go because they weren’t actively treating him anymore after inserting a kidney drain, we both vowed that our shared objective was to ensure he didn’t then die in the back of an ambulance. So no more hospitals. I had to fight like hell to get help and pain relief at home…Marie Curie palliative care were as helpful as a chocolate teapot…but thats where he stayed. Struggling to get him on a bedpan for a poo in the middle of the night is one of my abiding memories when he had lost the strength to pull on the bed rails and help me roll him. Why the hell did we have to do that on our own? So it’s a toss up whether a hospice or home is best. But all we can comfort ourselves with it that we fought like alleycats to get the best for our menfolk and they knew we were fighting for them.

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We damn well did ! We fought tooth and nail for them !!! I know as a family we did ! We loved him so much ! He was the most precious man to us … crying now … x

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Deb, sorry if I made you cry! I’ve made myself cry too and I actually had a whole day yesterday without tears. One step at a time!

Mind you I was crying with frustration and tiredness earlier on cos I’d tried to split a big log with a wedge…Neil had it down to a fine art and I stupidly thought I could do it too. Used to when I was younger and fitter! Got the wedge irredeemably stuck. I’ve given up and left it!

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Oops ! Don’t worry im ok… just brought it back how much we fought to keep him here when you said that ! We did ! If love couldve saved him he would still be here :frowning: xx

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We are STRONG women getting by in the only way we know how. I applaud you all for your strength. Sending massive love :heart:

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I wanted my husband to come home but he didn’t want to put it on me and he was also scared but it would have been much better than the hospice. We were supposed to have McMillan support when he was at home in between but didn’t, we both felt let down and left to deal with everything on our own.
I’m glad you got support to look after your husband at home. :broken_heart:

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Shaz10
There are good things and not, having your loved one at home . Their is no perfect way given the terrible circumstances

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Sorry for what you had to go through as well, with everything else that we had to deal with we should not have had to fight for support.
Sending hugs :people_hugging: your way :broken_heart:

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How was your first day back in work ? Thought about you as it’s me next week ! I am sat on balcony in jersey ATM the hol I should of been on with Nick , I am loving the hotel and island and so would of Nick so I had a little cry over that , but don’t want my son to feel I am just making do with him being here with me ! I thought as we had never been to this place it wouldn’t effect me so much ? But it is ! Next month we are going back to Hampton Court for garden festival and Nick and I did that , so I now know it’s going to be more difficult x

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I feel like that Deb. I wonder whether I will ever belly laugh again. The only thing that seems to raise a laugh is gogglebox. I like you feel I’m on the outside of life looking in. I’ve started helping out at a charity just up the road go meet people and actually interact with others to make me feel I’m not living in this bubble. It’s so hard but when I’ve been I feel better. I went out yesterday for lunch with my sister and a couple of friends. I tried to think of every excuse not to go but in the end I did go. I felt better for a while but today have awoken with a sadness I cannot shake. The weather doesn’t help. It’s so gloomy and miserable Sending a huge hug x

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Its nearly 2 years for me now, I think I’m over the worst, which of course does’nt help those who take longer to adjust (never for some). After 50 years together I am glad (sounds horrible to say) she went the way she did and when. After a full life she had dementia coming on plus physical failings, and hated the thought of a care home or being reliant on another. Her end was fairly swift and totally pain free, for which I am so grateful. I have thrown myself into volunteering and joined a scrabble club, and a church, for me keeping busy really helps.

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Thank you @Nel its good to hear im not the only one who feels like this … although i try and do stuff i still feel that awful feeling of losing him and i still miss him so much … he was my rock , my protector and now that has gone and some days i just feel so lost without him here :frowning: people are very tricky i have found and you just have to be so careful … i probably overshared and now im just careful who i trust … whats that saying - protect your heart :heart: xx

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Youre right keeping busy helps but i just dont always fancy being busy … i find it exhausting talking to some people sometimes and its shaken my faith in humanity tbh. Youre lucky you got over it … i dont think i have because i still miss him and everything we had … he was only 60 and unexpected so its shaken my world. My lovely dog who i bought as a puppy just after i lost him has helped me so much though bless her :slight_smile: and i got a nice dog walker friend i see now and again . Im doing my husbands allotment which gets me out and they are nice people down there, meeting a lady in a few weeks who also lost her husband from on here so looking forward to that … but generally finding life a struggle atm … dunno why ? Just feel i gone backwards a bit recently, don’t feel very happy ! It’s crap tbh … xx

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I go to a bereavement chat group, that helps.

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Yeh theres one near me … but i like being on here and also im meeting friends from here soon but thanks … i got my hands a bit full atm as looking after my mum and a daughter who just had a baby … im ok but ta anyway … i know about groups near me … xx

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