Hi devonolderguy, welcome. It took me a while to work out how this forum works too. Looks like we both got here in the end.
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Exactly how I feel.
Your message expressed just how I feel and how my life is - or rather how my 2 lives have become. Yes I’ve been trying so hard to create a new, different life on my own, doing all kinds of things to fill my time, but today I just stayed at home, couldn’t do anything but cry and remember who I lost last August.
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Absolutely not just you!
I really can relate to that.
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Dear @MandyC15
What!!!
I was reading this thread finding comfort from it all, as I feel exactly the same…living two lives etc , I was going to read all of it before replying… Then read your post…
I’m so sorry… I went back to work way to soon … I think … But hard to know… It’s 21 months fur me now… Work is as hard as it has ever been to deal with … I’m struggling with being there so much…
You must do what you need to do, if I was in your position now, I think I’d be thinking ***** that , and I’d be going to my GP to get signed off for longer.
Thinking more rationally, is there a libe manager/ colleague friend who could be with you for the ‘conversation’ that is needed???
Lots of love… Just realised I started typing this message without reading rest of thread , and I didn’t notice when the posts were, so you may have already resolved this…
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I had a similar experience but with an OH phone call. I was contacted a couple of days before and told to make sure I was home with no distractions, while the conversation took place. When I received the report it was so unprofessional. I was referred to as Ms instead of Mrs, XX, they & them at various times & it stated long term absence’s instead of absence. This was obviously a generic letter that the OH nurse had not seen fit to personalise it to me.
I am waiting on another meeting with my boss and I know I will be going back to work in a couple of weeks but I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I lost Dave just under 7 months ago and I cry everyday, I’m not coping and I just find the reality and finality of losing him so very hard to come to terms with 
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It is difficult and exhausting dealing with everything by ourselves.
For me, it is a case if it gets done that’s good, if not who cares.
Your last line exactly describes my husband.
Love and hugs,
Rose x
MandyC15
I too couldn’t remember my work processes . I felt like a newbee.
Another challenge for us.
A phased return has been helpful but work doesn’t hold what it once did . I think thats a reflection of life in general.
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Shaz10
I think returning to work is a huge challenge for many reasons, it’s multi layered isn’t it. I felt I wasn’t ready 6 months into this nightmare . For me at that point I was still grieving and continue to . Nothing about it felt appropriate .
I am still grief wobbly !
I am not the same person since my husbands death ,it feels like a second death inside of me .
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My boss has been so supportive think as long as i come back a few hours there letting me do flexi time so if i feel bad one day don’t have to go think they struggled a bit i was off over 6 weeks but maybe its done them good they realise what work i do
Wilderness
I can so relate to not being the same person and feeling like another death inside me. I get that sinking felling and I feel like I lose him over and over every day
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I can relate so much to this post. I’m very good at putting on a brave face - always have been. When I’m alone (which is a lot) I just wonder why this happened. I don’t work as I had to resign to look after my husband (he had MND). I just wish “friends” & others would realise that losing a partner is so different. You lose your future, hopes, dreams and face the unknown every day. A good friend said to me the other day that she couldn’t fill the void left by my husband. I’m so insulted as no one can ever fill that void. We are all individuals and are dealing with the daily pain in the only way we know how.
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Everything you say is how we all feel were all just existing not living trying to get through ever minute of every day before we can go to bed and try to sleep to start all over again
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We all know that our lives will never be the same again so neither will we. I feel such a deep sadness and loneliness (second death). I see life going on around me I feel so envious seeing couples and families with a husband/father/grandparent enjoying , living .
I’m not living how can I with no life partner plans all gone no retirement together to look forward to in the future. I try not to think too far ahead as the sadness overwhelms me.
To live I need to find some kind of meaning with my husband in it . With returning to work I’ve changed passwords which include details of him. Thats one example
What was our home it’s a house now I want to bring out even more of him, and in the garden I now can’t sit in I need to add a few small things with him in mind…
if I don’t I can’t see a way forward to live a very different life which is unwanted by us all who have lost our life partners whom we loved so very much.
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This is so true, I don’t think people realise just how much your life changes when you loose your life partner. Friends and family just get on with their lives and assume that you’re ok because weeks, months or even years have passed by. All of us on here know that our lives will never ever be the same again. I sometimes want to swear and shout at people when they ask if I’m ok, well no I’m not and never will be again. Sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore. I am now broken
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I feel exactly the same 
Shaz 10
I know I’m broken and I also know I will never be who I was . I don’t believe or like the language that’s often used. Move forward move on , make a new life .
I also want to scream
Scream for myself !
Scream at others, family /friends . who completely don’t get the life we now exist in. It adds to our loneliness don’t you think?
It causes me to think I’m loosing it going crazy . I could fall out with so many people Shaz10.
I’m not sure if I’ve said it’s 7 months for me and we were married for 40years this year.
It’s the biggest challenge of my life and I’ve had a few along the way.
I often think those thoughts of not wanting to be here . I think that’s normal why would we not
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No maybe we shouldnt say move forward … maybe we should say living life i suppose … but its hard to know what to say isnt it ? But i understand what you mean x
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Deb5
Yes what to say is sensitive, language used can support or hurt.
Living life 
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We would have been together for 39 years this year, he proposed on Christmas Day 2022 and we got married in June last year, 4 weeks before I rang an ambulance for the first time. We knew he possibly had cancer and were waiting for a PET scan but we didn’t know he was in heart & kidney failure, I think he knew he didn’t have long and wanted to make sure everything was sorted for me financially, hence the proposal . He was sent home from hospital twice but ended up back in. I spent every day & night with him for the next 4 months in the hospital and 2 hospices, one of which had some but not all appalling and uncaring staff. I relive this every day
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