I feel so angry as they just don't know what it's like

I lost my Dad seven months ago (quite suddenly, we only knew he was ill when he was admitted to the ICU) and it’s tough quite a lot of the time.
I spend a lot of time on social media (for work as well as personal) and have noticed a lot of people on there saying how tough they are finding things. I get that this lockdown has been hard on a lot of people’s mental health and in NO WAY am I denying or lessening their problems, but they have not lost anyone. I’d give anything to have “normal” lockdown problems.
I guess what annoys me is that some of them just don’t seem to get how hard grieving is on top of everything else. Their problems (though of course not insignificant) FEEL insignificant in comparison to losing a parent. I just want to shout all the time that they just don’t get it. Does anyone else feel the same?
I also have a friend who is demanding quite a lot of me lately. He is going through a tough time based around moving to a new place and not having a lot of friends, before lockdown hit. I want to be a good friend to him but it takes a lot out of me emotionally and I find myself having to compose myself before responding to his messages. He has barely asked about my Dad or about my grief, so this really is a one way friendship at the moment.
Other friends have also dropped off the face of the earth, while my best friend doesn’t ask about my Dad anymore. She doesn’t know what to say, but I wish she’d just say “I don’t know what to say, talk to me about your Dad.” I feel this incredible need to talk about him, it helps so much, and this is a huge thing to deal with, that honestly I need my friends to let me talk about him.
Has anyone else experienced this? Do you also get angry that others just don’t get it?


Hello Annie, as you say people just don’t get grief until it hits them and you will find many, many posts saying exactly what you are facing. There’s no answer but please look at your friends and see if there’s one that would just listen to you. Writing about your dad is the other way of dealing it and I used this it helped me sort out the way ahead.
You are right about people seeing their own problems as the big thing and yes the restrictions has made this into a bigger deal. Basically all I can say is hang in there because things will improve. Keep posting on here because we are all here for each other. Look after yourself xxx

Thank you Susie, writing it down would be helpful. I need to make a habit of writing a diary again.
I do have a friend who has lost her mum and understands the grief I am going through, but she’s a mum of young children and is busy a lot of the time. It’s weird being one of the first in my group of friends to lose a parent, but I hope to be able to listen when others go through it (which of course I hope they don’t for a long while).
I find this forum very helpful, thanks. I will keep posting xx

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Annie, that’s sounds as though may have a plan, I know what you say about your friend but it can be good for both of you and she just may welcome the time to think about other things.
Yes, there lots of lovely people all suffering on here and we all know the feeling of grief. It’s nice to know you will keep coming back, take extra care of yourself because you are vulnerable. xx

Hello AnnieD

I completely understand how you feel. I AM SICK AND TIRED of hearing people bleat on about lockdown and how their mental health has suffered because they couldn’t go to the gym etc etc.

Try losing a parent! Everything else is insignificant!

Sorry, I feel very angry too so please know you’re not alone in how you feel.



Hi Annie
I completely understand this and anger is one of the top feelings I’m having right now as I start this grief process.
I know looking back to last year I was probably someone complaining of things that now seem so irrelevant and how I wish I was back to that place rather then this feeling of losing my lovely Dad. I’m finding I really do only want to talk to those who understand this pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone so I’m pleased in that way my friends don’t understand and haven’t been through it but I just find it so hard to even want to be around others talking about normal everyday things when all I can think about constantly is my Dad.


Hi Nicky,

Yes, this is exactly it. Losing a parent is so so hard and it does make me feel angry watching people struggle with things that seem so menial to us. However I am trying to be more mindful of how they are feeling, but I do find myself wanting to scream a lot of the time.

Annie x


Hi Bem,

I’m so so sorry for your loss and the anger you are feeling, from my experience, is normal. I too often look back to this time last year (when my Dad was alive) thinking how I wish I could go back to those days where I was worrying about lockdown, work etc. So know that you’re not alone in that.
It’s hard when friends don’t understand what you’re going through and I think natural to want to talk to people who have been through similar. I look at my friends sometimes and think “you have no idea” which of course makes me sad that I do and they don’t, but also, like you said, I wouldn’t wish it on them.
I have found socialising hard since my Dad died too. I can only seem to meet up with close friends and don’t want to meet up in bigger groups yet, as everything just seems so trivial and I just want to talk about my Dad or I just can’t concentrate on what they’re saying. I just don’t want to spend time with a lot of people at the moment. What has helped though is to meet my friend who lives nearby and talk to her. She asks how I am and it helps to just chat to her and cry if I need to. And I’ve also told another friend that I need to talk about my Dad too, which I think has helped her to understand.

Annie x


I lost my Dad last March and his funeral was the first day of lockdown. I completely agree with the anger you are feeling and knowing it is harsh to dismiss others experiences of the last year but not being able to help it. I was so so angry with Prince Philips death and I know it was totally unfair but the idea that his death was being recognised by the whole world and his whole family was there for his funeral and the celebration of his life was just too much for me. I am slowly trying to move away from anger as being a reaction as it only hurting myself but it just seems so unfair. Writing is helping though. I decided that I was thinking about his time in intensive care too much and not his life so I have been writing all the lovely things I remember about him and when I feel down re-reading my notes or adding to them. Just knowing I have this notebook just makes me feel more complete and able to keep moving forward.


Apple I can’t even imagine how that must of been through lockdown to have those restrictions in place. We are lucky to be able to have all the close family attend but he has so many people who would love to pay their respects that can’t and that left us feeling angry as to why so many people can attend a rave yet not something so important as a funeral. Although I am struggling so much at the thought of the funeral coming up.
I can really relate to your comment about the icu unit too it’s only been just over 2 weeks for me so I know it’s fresh in my head but I worry it’s an image that just won’t go away and it’s what I am also finding I’m focusing a lot on at the moment. I’m going to start a memory book so I’m hoping that writing will also help me through this. I’m pleased to hear you have found something that can bring you a bit of comfort throughout such a hard time.

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I’m in complete agreement with you. I also have the added frustration of mobility issues, so people posting about their lovely walks which I can’t do, or fun times ahead, holidays, gym, etc. has always been taunting for me. I’ve been dealing with grief from loss of mobility for many years, and now in the last 4 months immense grief from losing my mum has piled on top of that.

Like the ‘loss of a loved one grief’, ‘disability grief’ is something that people just won’t ever understand until it happens to them. I have friends who (pointlessly) say “let me know if you need anything” and then vanish, satisfied having done ‘their bit’. If we knew what we needed to feel better, we’d do it! Because we don’t know, & feel so sad & frustrated we just sit, feeling lost while the world starts gearing up for their fun times ahead.

Sorry I’m rambling, I don’t have a point. I just wanted to say I feel all of the things you’re feeling too. X

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I think anger is totally normal, I feel so angry at all the joyous people banging on about going to the pub or whining about holidays and “normality”
For so many people, life will never be normal again


@TheCatsMother I completely agree x

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I agree about that feeling lost in the face of normality coming back to everyone and there is a real emphasis in the media of all the fun things that will be available soon which I understand but those that have loved ones over the past year from COVID or non COVID it is not easy.

Thank you everyone who has posted on this thread, it is giving me real comfort and I am feeling more normal feeling not the ‘norm’ Just have to try and take it one day at a time


Hi Annie.
I’m so sorry for your loss
Yes it’s really hard I do understand
I’m still fifind difficult accepting coming to terms with loss of my Dad I barerly knew him but still hurts so much💔
Yes your right bad enough with Covid restrictions add top of that berevement
And Father’s Day coming up
Family/friends don’t really understand what your going through
Or write letter to your dad
Or just get all your emotions out by write everything down how you feel read out aloud to yourself
Hope your ok
Take care x

Hello Annie,

I lost my dad a few weeks ago, so I can understand how you’re feeling. I’ve had a wave of people asking how I am in the first few days, but many people have now taken to ignore my messages so I don’t “drone on about my sadness”. It is a little heartbreaking and I can understand how much harder it is to deal with compared to “not going to the gym” or “not getting a haircut”.

Just to play devil’s advocate, it is worth keeping in mind, that your ‘lockdown problems’ are just that, yours. While others know that you’ve lost your dad, they cannot see your internal turmoil and to them, their struggles are every bit as real and valid to them as yours are to you.

Maybe sit your friend down and explain, that YOU need them to be there for you AS MUCH as they need you to be there for them and verbalise how it’s making you feel. They probably just haven’t realised how their actions are making you feel. It might also be worth reaching out to other friends and just saying “I’d like to talk about how I’m feeling, have you got time for a chat?” If they say no, or not now; say that they are someone you can trust with this, and you’d really like it to be them you talk to, so when is best to do this. Often people want to feel needed. You may have to listen to a few ‘fixes’ where they tell you how you should be dealing with all this, but it’ll still give you the chance to vent and get things off your chest. You may actually make them realise the reality of the situation and you may find that it’s something that deepens the relationship.

If you want to chat at anytime with someone who knows what you’re feeling and the emotions you’re experiencing, or even just to talk about your dad, feel free to message me.

I hope this comes to you as advice and not as a lecture, as I really want you to know that I see where you’re coming from.

Kind Regards,

J.L. x


I totally get it! I lost both my parents six years ago, and now my fiancé two weeks ago. I work in education with largely privileged students, and have had to take time off so that I wouldn’t have to listen to the precious little snowflakes complaining about how awful it is not to be able to go on luxury holidays, and how ‘stressed’ they are about some exam or other, or some friendship ‘issue’. I am seriously lacking in empathy right now!! I actually told one class when I went back today that they should be grateful for what they have in life, as things could be much much worse!


Hi Annie,
I too lost my dad very suddenly almost two months ago. I completely understand your anger. I get angry at social media, and people posting that they are having the worst time ever because their builders for their extension have pulled out. I’m sure if I was them I’d be upset too but right now I am devastated at my loss and wish they would understand that sometimes there are bigger things in life.
I am also angry and jealous at people who still have both their parents. I wouldn’t wish losing a parent on anyone but I am jealous that I lost my dad and everyone else has theirs.
I have noticed a rapid decline in friends checking in too. To begin with I had floods of messages and support but it has dropped off in recent weeks. I understand that life goes on and everyone else has their own things to deal with. It’s just hard being forgotten when the grief is still very fresh and real.

Anyway, take care.


Hi flo,
I just read your message and I can relate to every single bit of this!
It’s coming up to a couple of months since I lost my dad too and all the feelings you have just described seem to be getting more intense as the weeks go on, I felt the anger and jealously right from the beginning but I just feel in consuming me some days and the more time since I haven’t seen dad the worse it really is getting. I feel after a couple of months people just expect you to be moving on with life which is why communication drops as they think you are ok now like them but that’s just not how it goes. I feel people think the worst days are over like the funeral etc but the reality is we are living with these feelings day in and day out and is so terribly hard at times to deal with. X


Hi Bem
I agree with you that as time goes on these feelings are more intense. I feel worse now than I did when it first happened. I felt the jealousy and unfairness from the beginning. My dad didn’t have any health problems. He was a very healthy man and very active for his age, he had a freak accident and it made me angry that more elderly and unhealthy people are still alive but my dad isn’t. How can it make sense that a healthy strong person died but there are people walking around who have abused themselves and will continue to live for a long time?!
Yes people do think that after a few months you’re ok. I was the level headed calm person. I helped my mum with all the arrangements, I did all the things she couldn’t and I think because of that I don’t think I processed what had happened. Whilst I still don’t feel it’s real I have moments where I realise he is gone and that’s it and the reality of that is setting in.
I also think people stop communicating because I am very honest and blunt when they say how are you doing - I will say not well at all. And I suppose there’s only so much they can say and only so many times they can ask and get the same answer.
Thank you for replying and I am so sorry you are going through this as well. Xx