I feel so angry as they just don't know what it's like

Hi,
I lost my Dad seven months ago (quite suddenly, we only knew he was ill when he was admitted to the ICU) and it’s tough quite a lot of the time.
I spend a lot of time on social media (for work as well as personal) and have noticed a lot of people on there saying how tough they are finding things. I get that this lockdown has been hard on a lot of people’s mental health and in NO WAY am I denying or lessening their problems, but they have not lost anyone. I’d give anything to have “normal” lockdown problems.
I guess what annoys me is that some of them just don’t seem to get how hard grieving is on top of everything else. Their problems (though of course not insignificant) FEEL insignificant in comparison to losing a parent. I just want to shout all the time that they just don’t get it. Does anyone else feel the same?
I also have a friend who is demanding quite a lot of me lately. He is going through a tough time based around moving to a new place and not having a lot of friends, before lockdown hit. I want to be a good friend to him but it takes a lot out of me emotionally and I find myself having to compose myself before responding to his messages. He has barely asked about my Dad or about my grief, so this really is a one way friendship at the moment.
Other friends have also dropped off the face of the earth, while my best friend doesn’t ask about my Dad anymore. She doesn’t know what to say, but I wish she’d just say “I don’t know what to say, talk to me about your Dad.” I feel this incredible need to talk about him, it helps so much, and this is a huge thing to deal with, that honestly I need my friends to let me talk about him.
Has anyone else experienced this? Do you also get angry that others just don’t get it?

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Hello Annie, as you say people just don’t get grief until it hits them and you will find many, many posts saying exactly what you are facing. There’s no answer but please look at your friends and see if there’s one that would just listen to you. Writing about your dad is the other way of dealing it and I used this it helped me sort out the way ahead.
You are right about people seeing their own problems as the big thing and yes the restrictions has made this into a bigger deal. Basically all I can say is hang in there because things will improve. Keep posting on here because we are all here for each other. Look after yourself xxx

Thank you Susie, writing it down would be helpful. I need to make a habit of writing a diary again.
I do have a friend who has lost her mum and understands the grief I am going through, but she’s a mum of young children and is busy a lot of the time. It’s weird being one of the first in my group of friends to lose a parent, but I hope to be able to listen when others go through it (which of course I hope they don’t for a long while).
I find this forum very helpful, thanks. I will keep posting xx

Annie, that’s sounds as though may have a plan, I know what you say about your friend but it can be good for both of you and she just may welcome the time to think about other things.
Yes, there lots of lovely people all suffering on here and we all know the feeling of grief. It’s nice to know you will keep coming back, take extra care of yourself because you are vulnerable. xx

Hello AnnieD

I completely understand how you feel. I AM SICK AND TIRED of hearing people bleat on about lockdown and how their mental health has suffered because they couldn’t go to the gym etc etc.

Try losing a parent! Everything else is insignificant!

Sorry, I feel very angry too so please know you’re not alone in how you feel.

Nicky

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Hi Annie
I completely understand this and anger is one of the top feelings I’m having right now as I start this grief process.
I know looking back to last year I was probably someone complaining of things that now seem so irrelevant and how I wish I was back to that place rather then this feeling of losing my lovely Dad. I’m finding I really do only want to talk to those who understand this pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone so I’m pleased in that way my friends don’t understand and haven’t been through it but I just find it so hard to even want to be around others talking about normal everyday things when all I can think about constantly is my Dad.

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Hi Nicky,

Yes, this is exactly it. Losing a parent is so so hard and it does make me feel angry watching people struggle with things that seem so menial to us. However I am trying to be more mindful of how they are feeling, but I do find myself wanting to scream a lot of the time.

Annie x

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Hi Bem,

I’m so so sorry for your loss and the anger you are feeling, from my experience, is normal. I too often look back to this time last year (when my Dad was alive) thinking how I wish I could go back to those days where I was worrying about lockdown, work etc. So know that you’re not alone in that.
It’s hard when friends don’t understand what you’re going through and I think natural to want to talk to people who have been through similar. I look at my friends sometimes and think “you have no idea” which of course makes me sad that I do and they don’t, but also, like you said, I wouldn’t wish it on them.
I have found socialising hard since my Dad died too. I can only seem to meet up with close friends and don’t want to meet up in bigger groups yet, as everything just seems so trivial and I just want to talk about my Dad or I just can’t concentrate on what they’re saying. I just don’t want to spend time with a lot of people at the moment. What has helped though is to meet my friend who lives nearby and talk to her. She asks how I am and it helps to just chat to her and cry if I need to. And I’ve also told another friend that I need to talk about my Dad too, which I think has helped her to understand.

Annie x

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I lost my Dad last March and his funeral was the first day of lockdown. I completely agree with the anger you are feeling and knowing it is harsh to dismiss others experiences of the last year but not being able to help it. I was so so angry with Prince Philips death and I know it was totally unfair but the idea that his death was being recognised by the whole world and his whole family was there for his funeral and the celebration of his life was just too much for me. I am slowly trying to move away from anger as being a reaction as it only hurting myself but it just seems so unfair. Writing is helping though. I decided that I was thinking about his time in intensive care too much and not his life so I have been writing all the lovely things I remember about him and when I feel down re-reading my notes or adding to them. Just knowing I have this notebook just makes me feel more complete and able to keep moving forward.

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Apple I can’t even imagine how that must of been through lockdown to have those restrictions in place. We are lucky to be able to have all the close family attend but he has so many people who would love to pay their respects that can’t and that left us feeling angry as to why so many people can attend a rave yet not something so important as a funeral. Although I am struggling so much at the thought of the funeral coming up.
I can really relate to your comment about the icu unit too it’s only been just over 2 weeks for me so I know it’s fresh in my head but I worry it’s an image that just won’t go away and it’s what I am also finding I’m focusing a lot on at the moment. I’m going to start a memory book so I’m hoping that writing will also help me through this. I’m pleased to hear you have found something that can bring you a bit of comfort throughout such a hard time.

I’m in complete agreement with you. I also have the added frustration of mobility issues, so people posting about their lovely walks which I can’t do, or fun times ahead, holidays, gym, etc. has always been taunting for me. I’ve been dealing with grief from loss of mobility for many years, and now in the last 4 months immense grief from losing my mum has piled on top of that.

Like the ‘loss of a loved one grief’, ‘disability grief’ is something that people just won’t ever understand until it happens to them. I have friends who (pointlessly) say “let me know if you need anything” and then vanish, satisfied having done ‘their bit’. If we knew what we needed to feel better, we’d do it! Because we don’t know, & feel so sad & frustrated we just sit, feeling lost while the world starts gearing up for their fun times ahead.

Sorry I’m rambling, I don’t have a point. I just wanted to say I feel all of the things you’re feeling too. X

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