I find the modern term “passed” difficult..

People I love have died, they’re dead, they’re never coming back, I won’t ever “find them” again, please stop sugar coating it, we’ll never meet in another life (in my opinion or hopefully I could be wrong) when my turn comes it will be the end, nothing more or less, and I won’t have ‘passed’ I’m dead and beyond pain. That seems fine to me.

Hi Iced Bun,i think its a personal use of the word depending on your beliefs,I say passed as i believe personally that life goes on in a different form,i base that on what i have experienced from my loved ones who have passed,so i cannot use the word dead as i personally do not believe that is the end so to speak,however,everyone has their own thoughts on this and i always respect others views and opinions x

I am struggling with the acceptance stage of grief. I tick most of the boxes for PTSD and suffer day to day anxiety. I was doing so much better than this at eight months following my husband’s death. A false start. At nearly 14 months and now receiving therapy, I am advised not to stop talking to my husband, which I’ll do when in our home. I therefore agree with Robina’s view that words used are whatever fits with the individual…and I think, can be dependant upon their state of mind.

I think I’ve become bitter and twisted over many years sorrow and sadness, sometimes it seems no matter what I do things go horribly wrong and I’m becoming a person I never thought I’d be, worse still a person my brother wouldn’t know or have anything in common with, he was a vicar, he was my soulmate, but since his death I’m struggling to find a life I want to live. Bless you for your responses, I’m ashamed at my bitterness and also have a pizza going cold that needs my urgent attention!!

Hi Iced Bun
Hope you enjoyed your pizza,you have the right to vent your feelings just like everyone here,please dont be too hard on yourself,you love your brother and it hurts like hell,i know lost many of my loved ones and this year my husband,no ones fault,its the uncertainty of life,we have no control,like you i am struggling to find a life i want to live,think its going to take a long while to work out what that will be for me,be kind to yourself,take care x

Hi Iced Bun
We all think different things it would be a strange world if we all believed the same thing you have the right to think what you do .
My husband who passed on the 26th November 2017 was my life I was 14 when I meet him and 16 when we married I was with him for 30 years for me the thought of never seeing him when it’s my time would break my heart as its one of the things that keeps me going that we will see each other again .
As I say we are all different and that’s how it should be we should be comfortable to say what we are feeling sending you a big hug hope your pizza was good .

I’m sure everyone knows that dead means dead. I don’t think it’s a problem if people want to sugar coat things and have an alternative reality. It seems to give comfort to many and as long nobody takes advantage of that then that’s fine with me. I’m a humanist but I don’t think worse of people because they have a different view. I was reading recently about the Leeds Blasphemy Trials and was amazed to see people were found guilty and jailed just 100 years ago. I’m definitely not pushing my views.

Hi Iced Bun. I’m sure everyone on here feels/has felt your utter desperation, anger and frustration etc. They are all feelings common to the bereaved. Sometimes those feelings seem to come in a jumbled mix and sometimes individually.
I personally hate referring to my daughter as dead. It’s a term I never thought I would associate with my child.
I think it’s very individual and call it what you want but we all know the reality.
Robina I’m really interested in what form you feel that life goes on. Just searching I suppose. Understand if you don’t want to share.
Peace to everyone x

I repeat - my husband may have died but he’ll never be dead.

" My love for you is undying therefore so are you’ written by Vivian Greene - sums it up.

1 Like

Yorkshire Lad, the Leeds Trials were mentioned in the most recent BBC R4 programme “Beyond Belief” , still available online, if interested. The prog covered blasphemy in general.

As you again mention your Humanist convictions, may I ask how you reconcile this with your apparent acceptance of “signs”, the robins and white feathers appearances that you have noticed?

I hope that you don’t find my question provocative. I myself am struggling with the rational and metaphysical aspects of the turmoil my mind has been in for the last three dreadful months. It’s how I end up finding, reading, and posting things like Freud’s essays, for goodness’ sake!
Genuinely interested in how others decompartmentalise their views and beliefs when under the virtually unbearable stress we are trying to manage.

You make a very good point Edwin. I am a Christian although I don’t attend church any longer as I’m feeling somewhat annoyed at God with regards to recent events in my life. However, since losing my husband I have moved more towards spirituality, reading books and even visiting a medium but that doesn’t mean that I am no longer a Christian. Can Christianity and Spirituality work alongside each other? I think so. I hope so. Although I fear a Christian priest would try to persuade me otherwise.

Your posts are always thought provoking Edwin and I thank you for that. It helps focus my mind on something else if only for a short while.

Hi Matella i dont mind at all sharing ,they are my own personal beliefs and i never expect anyone to think the way i do,we are all so individual,i believe we are so much more than a physical body,we have an essence deep within,some call it a soul or spirit,it is the energy of our life,and energy cannot die ,it changes form ,i believe it is this energy form that lives on,some call it consciousness,meditation and stillness of the mind is the key to connecting and being aware of spiritual signs,hearing and seeing,i myself have heard voice and seen images and felt touch from my loved ones who have passed,i have also seen on two occasions in the past 10 months things that are unexplainable in this earth plane and can only be spiritual.I have no doubt in my mind,i assure you i am truthful,never any point in lying about what i experience as i would gain nothing from that,anyway sorry if im going on a bit,but that is the core of what i believe.I still feel the pain and sadness though i must stress as i miss my loved ones physical presence here,and i yearn for that even though i have my belief xx

I have feather filled cushions in the lounge and in the snug. I found one upstairs the other day and that puzzled me but I presume it got carried there on clothing I was wearing.I often see all sorts of feathers on my walks. I’d love to be able to convince myself as to how they got there in a way which gave me comfort. I sometimes have smiled at the thought. I had robins come and sit with me just the other day. They are very sociable birds and I have heard many stories of them sitting on forks, spades, etc. They seem to be comfortable around humans and we have always had them in the garden and surrounding fields and hedgerows. I was fortunate to see a kingfisher and a fallow deer last week… both so quickly that they were gone by the time my brain caught up. I often see foxes early morning looking out of bedroom window, although more difficult on these dark mornings. There’s something magical about moonlight on snow and a fox passing through…
I don’t really think of any great significance to feathers or robins but my mind is open and receptive to almost anything. I remember reading in one of my books by Kathleen Jamie of her views on atoms. How we are made of them and what happens when we die. Are they reused and, if so, how and in what. Could the robin or the tree be made up of recycled atoms from an ancestor.

From my readings I had almost assumed that organised religion and spirituality were inextricably linked. Nowadays it would seem that spirituality is much wider in its remit and can be just something that is ‘felt’. In my case I suppose looking at a piece of art, listening to particular music or just standing looking at a view or even ‘things’ can cause a reaction which is beyond the norm. Maybe we all need something that lifts us or transcends our daily experience.

“How we are made of them and what happens when we die. Are they reused and, if so, how and in what. Could the robin or the tree be made up of recycled atoms from an ancestor.”

Just so - it’s the Law of Conservation of Mass.

“How we are made of them and what happens when we die. Are they reused and, if so, how and in what. Could the robin or the tree be made up of recycled atoms from an ancestor.”

Just so - it’s the Law of Conservation of Mass.


Thank you Robina. I understand and so want to feel my that my daughter is still with me in some form.
At 16 weeks my grief is still a suffocating mask and I haven’t been able to let other thoughts in yet. I think probably that I will try yoga soon. X

Very interesting Edwin and once again very thought provoking. Science was never my thing, least of all chemistry.

Some “Religious” people are spiritual, but not all spiritual people are religious.
A great astronomer once said, “The more I look into the universe the more I see a great intelligence at work”… No one really knows how the earth and planets were formed. There are all sorts of theories, most of which don’t hold water. But, to me, it’s a certainty that some sort of creator or some thing began it all. Call it God or the Creator or whatever, but the mistake we make, I believe, is to measure this Creator with our values and concepts which in no way apply. Time is a good example. In nature there is no time. As Buddhists would say, “Coming to be, ceasing to be. coming to be ceasing to be”. Time is a circle not a line. We lose someone, but somewhere someone is born. Life can’t be extinguished by death. You can kill a bird, but you can’t kill birds! They go on irrespective of what we think or feel.
The short poem by Katherine Jenkins says it all, at least to me, and I have found it comforting.

"Don’t stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am the thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush
I am the uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die".

1 Like
Back to top