I just cant believe he's gone

I havent written for a while, I thought things might get better, but they havent. Its almost 21 weeks since I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my whole being, my husband of 32 years. I think looking back I didnt see how bad he was getting (cancer) because I was dealing with it day in, day out, dealing with doctors, nurses, hospital, chemist, meds, food etc and when it happened, I just could not believe it, kept thinking he would be saved after all we were told although it wasnt curable, it was treatable but they dont tell you that there comes a time when your body cant cope with the treatment and then they just leave you to die. It was a horrendous time and actually I think I have some form of PTSD if that is possible as I re-live it constantly in my mind and the pain is unbearable, my thoughts are full of what ifs and in particular what more could i have done to get some more time. We would both have been 60 this year and we would have made big plans for some sort of celebration. We were so close and I can barely function. People think I am coping but I find it easier just to say yes, Im fine otherwise they just annoy me with one friend suggesting I get a dog - really! a dog. Never had one in my life and dont want one. I know they are being kind but I just dont get it. I would rather be left alone. Yes, I have thought about ending it, still do but I am too much of a coward and worried I would survive and be in a worst state and a burden to others. My day is filled with sadness, longing, tears and just pain pain pain. I hate my life its just an existence but on the bright side, every day is a day closer to being with him, just wish i could go to bed one night and not wake up. I just want him back, its so unfair.


Dear @Moi1

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though things are very stressful at the moment and you are struggling and in need of some support.

I am glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support and comfort. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I am sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may be of help to you in the meantime.

Please continue to reach out, you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Take care.


Moi1. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. I understand as I too lost my husband. I’m a sixty in February and I cannot face a celebration as the one person I want will not be there holding my hand. He was my soulmate and I will love him always. I can tell you after 21 months it does not get “better” but you learn to live with the grief alongside you. The pain softens but I still talk to my H every day as if he were still in the room. He can hear me and it’s a warm safe place when I chat with him We we’re engaged on Valentine’s Day and I can still see him on one knee with two daffodils and a ring. It makes me smile but at the same time I have this ache inside. You will find a way through and smile when you think of him. At the moment it will be anxiety tears sadness walking around in a haze and coping with nothing. Get through your day hour by hour. Keeping busy helps but when you stop he is right there. H is still the first person I think of on waking and the there when I say goodnight. He always will be. And that’s ok. I did get a dog. A little yorkie. He gives purpose to my day. He makes me get up. He won’t take no for an answer. I have to go out because he needs his walk. At first I would cry as I walked around the park. I would cry all day but if I did not have him I would never have left the house. He is my warm cuddle in bed and he snores. Take it at your own pace. This journey we are all on is very different for each of us but keep talking on the forum as we are hear for you xxx


My poor love, my heart goes out to you, Mark and I had been together 40 years and to be honest almost all of what you say describes exactly how I feel. Mark wasn’t I’ll at all but within 2 hours he was pronounced dead. I had to do CPR on him while I waited for the ambulance (yes, it goes threw my mind could I have done it better?) Your mind is cruel it takes you to places you just don’t want to go. I found a song on the internet called Heaven’s Now My Home (put in funeral song after it - song by Libby L Allan, there is a male singer as well as female singer) I found and still find the words comforting ind I have yet to hear it and not be crying long before it gets to the end) I sincerely hope the words may help you x

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@Moi1 what you say resonates with how i actually feel . Unlike you my soulmate of 43yrs died in our hallway with a massive heart attack, my poor daughter did fantastic CPR actally brought her back for a few mins. To my tegret I stood their like a deer in headlights. I am sat in the room looking at the spot she actually died crying to myself . I am trying to build my resilance through councelling, going out with ex colleague, even trying to go back to work but it all is so hollow. If i didnt have a daughter and grandaughter i would have ended it, but have to be strong for them as it would be very selfish of me to leave them to cope. I have come to the conclusion most of my life was with my soulmate, so passing the days waiting to meet her. I normally try to be up beat but this week has been crap as found out my brother in law 6yr old son is terminally ill and they are waiting for him to now die. I keep posting my thoughts on this forum which helps abit. Sendibg hugs to you all.


I know the feeling ! Im in a very similar position as you myself ! My loss was only 6 weeks ago ;( Its so hard isnt it ! Every day ! It just seems to go on and on the pain of loss !!!


Hello @Moi1,

I’m sorry to hear about your partner. I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling and I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:


If you do feel these suicidal thoughts or feelings get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
  • If you’re worried you’re going to hurt yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. We have also recently launched a Grief Guide Service, which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief. If you’re interested in understanding more about grief and how you can manage it, please visit griefguide.sueryder.org

You deserve this support, keep reaching out.

Take care,


Dear moi1 reading your words breaks my heart as I know exactly what you are going through. My wife passed eighteen months ago after a short struggle with breast cancer i only found out two weeks before her death, obviously she had been struggling in silence for a while. Everyday I blame myself , why did I not notice,why did she not talk to me,and yes I have had dark periods when I did not want to go on. I would love to tell you time heals but it doesn’t, you come to terms with it as I have with the astonishing help from family and friends. So stay strong and live on in memory of their love.
My thoughts are with you. X


It’s so hard, my thoughts are with you xxx

I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. Knew he was a very ill man but the shock of losing him has been unbearable. Nothing in my world is the same now. Everything thing feels alien as if I,m living in a different world. My mental health is at an all time high, can’t eat and feel so lonely even though I have close friends and family. I wish for a sme kind of miracle to take this pain away. Knowing I must go on living each day for the sake of my children and telling myself that it will get better still doesn’t stop the thought of wanting a happy release. Just to be with husband.


@Moi1 i’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I can feel the pain coming out of every word you have written, not least because I, along with everyone on here, am suffering too. It’s just over 11 weeks for me. The complete melt downs are coming less often but the severity of them when they do come never weakens. I have dreadful days of crying endlessly where everything I look at makes me worse. The pain is unbearable. My husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I’m convinced the shock hasn’t worn off yet. I get moments of realisation that this is permanent and these moments are the worst. Look after yourself and keep posting and reading on here. I’ve found it invaluable. Big cuddle to you. Jean


Oh i totally agree the pain is almost unbearble isnt it ? I cant sleep properly or concentrste on anything! You just miss hsving someone to love ! i have got kids and grankids but its just not the same as having the man you love is it ? Nobody tells you how hard its gonna be ! I had no idea it was gonns be this hard !!!


Everything you have said @Moi1 is exactly how I feel.
I lost my husband 13 weeks ago, although he was diagnosed with a lung disease in June we were told it was treatable and he would be considered for lung transplant - unfortunately due to hospital failings he was never referred to the specialists until 2 weeks before he passed. There were a lot of failings from the hospital, 2 days before he passed they pretty much blamed me for his deterioration, I’m killing him. That has stuck with me that I am to blame for him going. I was in shock when they said he was at end of life - how could that be?!
I never got to have the number of tears with him as you did with your husband, but I am grateful for those we did have and am so lost now. He was my rock, my soul mate. My life began and ended with him.
The same with others and their comments, I’m at the point of ignoring many people now, mainly this who tell me to go out, don’t be alone you’re still young, move on.
Likewise with suicide - the thought is always there, but I am a coward as will probably fail at that like I failed my husband and will be in a worse state. We can only try to continue existing until we can finally be rejoined with them.
Know that we are here and will support you … This group have helped me - others knowing what we are going through.

Sending you a big hug x


Kel2 - I know all about hospital failings - we had our fair share I can tell you. I remember when they decided my husband could not toleratoe any more chemo and I asked the consultant what happens if/when he cant swallow (he had osephegus cancer), how will he manage and I was told oh dont worry, we wont let him starve to death. Well that is exactly what happened, they let him starve to death, it spread to his stomach and I could only watch him deteriorate every day as he could not eat or drink anything. I found the whole hospital side of things let me down, they took him off one of his meds and that caused a stroke, they gave him an overdose of another med, they messed up on numerous occasions - the NHS is not as good as people say/think (in my opinion) even our local cancer specialist hospital was not that great. I think Im just bitter but these are the facts and my life is so different now and I wish i could forget all the horrible stuff but when the person you love the most in the whole world suffers and you cant do anything about it, you want to lash out. I am just so so sad, i have cried rivers and continue to do so. I just want a cure for cancer and I want my husband back. THank you to everyone who responded, Im in a dark place but this forum is better than anything I have tried as we are all in the same situation and no-one else knows it more than us.
Hugs to all xxx


Dont say you failed your husband ! You did not ! You loved and cared for him fior most of his life !
People just say the most stupid things and there are a lot of idiots about. You just take care of yourself and i totally get where u are coming from. People who are bereaved just need love snd support thats all !! Its just prople are so rubbish at giving it out these days sadly xx


Thank you @Deb5 … I jump between blaming myself and knowing I’m not to blame, unfortunately the blame side seems to have the biggest hold on me? I feel I failed him because I should have pushed the hospital more - had argued with them … but clearly not enough? - but for them to tell me it’s my thought he was dying - that totally broke me.
That was the Thursday - within 30 minutes they told him he wouldn’t see the night(I was calling his family to say not good news) … How could it change so drastically & why not wait until I was back in the room?
He proved them wrong, he saw through Thursday night. He passed away the Saturday. A week before my birthday.
His mum bless her had been amazing! She does tell me that it wasn’t my fault, she thanks me for looking after him & making him happy bless her (This is her second son she’s lost - I don’t know how she does it- I should be looking after her more)
I do understand people don’t know what to say, but would rather they be honest and say they don’t know xx


It’s awful it really is. I agree the NHS system is broken. It’s not great now … The Specialists/Doctors really don’t care.
They blamed me and I can’t get over that.
That might sound harsh, but I am directi g that mainly at the so called ‘specialists’ (still may sound harsh - but they don’t care, are rude and blame patients/family for their incompetency)

Have you thought about making a complaint?
The ME has already started an investigation after my voicing my concerns in my hubby’s treatment.

I requested copies of my husband’s hospital & GP records and end of last week submitted my own complaint via my local MP (via MP goes straight to the head if the hospital)I’ve gone through his records once and some things I’ve found are shocking! … I need to look at them at least once a week (as so many pages) - I have a pad where I write certain pages down that really stand out to me.
Since getting his notes, has given me that little bit of fight.
I still don’t want to be here, still blame myself… but I now have a little fight … For him


Not sure if my last message will help (about fighting - pressed wrong button)
But I hope in my doing so will prevent them doing the same to someone else.

I can’t thank everyone on here enough for their understanding and not being judgemental… really does help me.

Thank you for your support xx

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Also to add, I rely on the NHS as must as most of us do and do appreciate the system it was
… the healthcare ‘specialists’ need to in put that care.

Hi - listen i fought tooth and nail for my husband ! I kicked off, shouted, pushed ! Did everything i could to save him. It didnt make much difference ! Its the system ! Theres too many prople and not enough people to help the patients. Some of it is incompetence and some is just stupidity tbh !
We are getting my husbands notes too !! Its just a farce and they need to remember each patents means the world to the families back at home ! Theyre not just a number to their families !!!
But DO not blame yourself ! Youre not a dr are you! Whoever said that - you meed to report them !!!