I just cant believe he's gone

Thank you @Deb5 - I have included what they said to me into the complaint plus other things found in his notes.
I know it wasn’t my fault, but it’s so hard to not feel that at times.
You’re right we’re not Drs or specialists, if we were our loved ones wouldn’t be in their care. We trusted them to actually care for our loved ones and they failed us x

Yeh they did ! Its a third world service we get :(, its just a terrible but its definately not your fault xx

1 Like

The love of my life passed away 10 days ago and m devastated…i feel so guilty about everything…he spent 7 weeks in hospital and the lack of care was so concerning i was there every day to make sure he was looked after properly but he was thrown out of ICU the day after a major bowel op onto a general ward and was left to die in the early hours of the following day…i am experiencing anger guilt denial sadness …i love him so much and cant believe im never gonna see him again…my heart is broken and i just dont feel like i will ever come to terms with it…i found this site by chance and reading some of the ladies comments has give me comfort knowing i am not alone …there are so many experiencing the same pain :sleepy: x

7 Likes

So so sorry for your loss Jan14.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but am glad you found this site - you will get a lot of support from us all here.
As you say, so many if us are experiencing the same so will completely understand what you are going through.
I have spent the morning crying yet again, I just miss him so much and want him back.
I have a blanket with his photos on that I wrap around me. I also wear his clothes sprayed with his deodorant at night to try help.
Know there will always be someone in here to support you xx

4 Likes

Sending love @Jan14
Like @Kel2 says, we will be here to support you. It’s nine month since I lost my darling husband suddenly. As far as we knew he was fit and well so the shock was horrendous.
You WILL get through this, no matter how hard that is to believe. I’m not saying you’ll get over it, as many of us have realised that is not the way it goes. However, we can learn to forge a new life, even though it is not the life we want. We are in this together and for the long term.

Hugs xxx

4 Likes

Aw i am so sorry for your loss too ! Its just terrible isnt it and i agree with kel2 that you need to wear his clothes and cuddle a blanket ! It really helps! Im wearing my husband wedding ring on my middle finger ! Its just makes you feel closer to them. I found a video on my phone the other day with my husband speaking and it was so nice to hear his voice after not hearing it for 6 week’s since my husband passed. Theres so many sad stories about people with loss in their lives and its so cruel that we are not getting enough support ! The NHS should be doing this but the system is so pathetic that we need to reach out on sites like this !!
You take care of yourself and do lots of self care like baths or showers abd just resting too x

4 Likes

@Deb5
I haven’t been able to watch videos yet with my husband on but I know I will. He was often the one taking the video so we maybe don’t have a lot but there will be some.

Hugs xxx

2 Likes

Thankyou so much kel 2 i am so glad im not alone i just cant seem to come to terms …i am waiting on phonecall as they are doing a post mortem today. I just cant bear thinking about him lying there. X

4 Likes

Thankyou karenF i am in bits x

4 Likes

Thankyou Deb5 im glad im not alone :heartbeat: x

3 Likes

That’s got to be even harder waiting for that call - if you want to chat I’m here x

2 Likes

Jan14 and everyone else who has responded - this is so desperately sad and the tears are streaming reading your story and everyone elses, mine is much the same. We have lost our person, our one true love, best friend and our whole being. 21 weeks later I am no better, cry all the time but put a brave face on and make people think “I am getting there”, the only “getting there” I want to be in is with him. You will go through the motions of the following days and weeks and your family and friends will rally round but after the funeral, is when I felt the worst lonliness, everyone gets on with their lives, the world sill goes on and I tell myself there are worse people suffering than me and people die every day but it doesnt help. My life is ruined too. I had a local grief person who phones me every fortnight but all she does is make me re-live the nightmare and doesnt really offer any practical help or tools to cope, she just “ah’s and ems” while I talk. Im going to stop it as I actually feel I get so much more from this forum. We are all feeling the same loss and emptiness and sometimes just writing our words help. It does for me and I get more out of this group than anywhere else so far. Keep in contact with us all, sending my strength to you (not that I have very much) and hope you get through this somehow like we all have to. xxx

9 Likes

I agree moi1 - I do find this group more beneficial than the counselor I have (have 1 session left)
Not sure on others experience with counseling and I would certainly not discourage anyone from going - there are some good counselors (from comments I’ve read) and many have benefited from it. Problems I find are (based in mine):

  • Seems a generic response - yes we are in bereavement counseling but not everyone fits into the same ‘grieving process’.
  • Limited sessions - I am finding I’m slowly able to talk a bit more as we are coming to the end of the sessions
  • Set day and time - I appreciate it has to be appointment, but sometimes you need them before/after that slot.

I will say the counselor has pointed me in the direction of my local MP to push my complaint forward, so certainly thank him for that. My MP has forwarded my complaint direct to the head of the trust, rather than me myself trying to start at the bottom through PALS. Also coming from the MP the hospital can’t brush it off. This is on top of the investigation the ME had already started after my Baldy passed.

This group has an understanding of what we are going through, the lows, dark thoughts etc with no judgement as we fully understand eachothers loss.
This group is my life line really - can’t thank you all enough xx

3 Likes

Oh i totally get about after the funeral and everybody just gets on with their lives ! Its actually so thoughtless and inconsiderate you know cos we cant get on with our lives can we because our true love has gone and there’s a massive empty hole there !
I get really angry that people are not supporting me now and we should be supported ! And i feel family are the worse tbh ! Mine are damn useless :frowning: there was more attention when my husband was ill than afterwards when i am grieving ! And it just doesnt go away like that does it ? It’s a process … and takes many weeks, month’s maybe before the intensity of the situation gets better :frowning: and i know its gonna tske me ages to feel better :frowning: even when u do thing’s u feel bad dont you ? I do anyway. Its such an effort to do the simplest things :frowning: even meeting for coffee is an effort !!

5 Likes

I was married to my husband for coming up to fifty years and I haven’t heard anything from his family in months. In fact I haven’t heard from some of them from the day of the funeral. It’s like I have fallen off the edge of the world. Sometimes I wish I had.X

7 Likes

Yes, I feel its me against the world now. He is gone and not coming back. I have his ashes in a vase on the sideboard and think - how can he possibly be in there and not sitting on the couch with me. I cant get over it. Ive just been to Toolstation to finish off yet another job he would have done. The guy asked for the postcode, address etc then the surname which I gave him. Then he said “Tom” and I said no, its under my name and that Tom’s should have been taken off as I removed it from the account online. I was so upset and balled all the way home in the car. Its amazing how well you can still drive when crying your eyes out. Every day is a struggle and like so many, my family are useless too, friends are much better but not all of them, quite surprising the so called friends that I have not heard from. You are not alone, we all have the same crazy thoughts, the same emotions. I thought about complaining about the NHS treatment of him, so many mistakes but I just dont have the stamina as I constantly fought for him while he was here and I think I am just done. Love to all. xxx

5 Likes

Aw thsts awful ! Doesnt it make you angry though ! Makes me angry thst prople are so ignorant !! No excuses ! Im sorry you havent heard from them and just make sure you are not there if they need any help ! Get your own back !! Ive given some of my fsmilt what for for being so rubbish - probably bit harder with in laws but still its disgusting x ! Keep your chin up they’re not worth it :frowning:

2 Likes

Yeh it is amazing how u can cry so much when youre driving isnt it !! I know the feeling ! Slightest thing can set u off cant it ? Like a song or a memory or words that people say ! People don’t thnk sometimes !!
I haven’t got my husbands ashes from funersl director yet cos im scared to get them cos i know its gonna set me off again ! Hes keeping them safe for me and i will go get them soon :frowning:

4 Likes

Bless you Loobyloo sending hugs xxxx

1 Like

Totally agree that everyone disappears completely after the funeral… To them it’s like that’s it done our bit’ - for us it gets worse!
I too have my husband’s ashes at home, I talk to him, well cry to him… I’m always crying.
It’s not the same. I miss coming in and him being sat there, asking him if he would like a cuppa.
I’m at the point of preferring not having ‘friends & family’ can’t let you down if they’re not there for you to reply on in the first place.
I have a family 18th party to go to in March … I’m dreading it. Really don’t want to go, it’s already getting to me and it’s a month away. Been told I have to go, plus I’ll be driving my mum to it.

With regards to making a complaint, take your time. I think they told me you have 12 months to make a complaint.
If you are up to it, you can try start the process to request copies of records, that’s done online and can take a while to come through.

It is amazing how well you can still drive while crying. I did that Monday on my way home from counseling.

Love to all x

3 Likes