I have never seen a life turn off like a light switch before!
Over the years I have seen people pass away through illness or due to a fatal accident. It hurts even though you know the inevitable is coming, but while they are still with you, there is always that glimmer of hope.
But to watch helplessly as a person goes from a lively and healthy human being one second to a bundle of lifeless silence the next is earth shattering. You don’t get the chance for a glimmer of hope, you don’t get to say I Love You, or to say goodbye, you get emptiness and nothing!
Its like being thrown over a waterfall, endlessly free falling and spinning around in shock. Eventually you hit the water at the bottom, hard, realising your soul suddenly feels empty, the person you shared hearts with has gone. Tumbling around in the turmoil, struggling to breath, unable to find your feet, deaf to all the empathy and sympathy coming from others around you.
Almost 3 years ago my healthy and gorgeous soul mate, walked into the kitchen after her regular 45 minute spin class. I can see her red face and sweat pouring off her forehead. I had just got back from my regular PT session at the gym an’d also walking the dog. We were both 5 months into our well earned early retirement, nearly 43 years married and still planning what we were going to do, where we were travelliing to, when to have the grandkids on regular visits.
We were lucky, financially secure, had no worries, no stress and no health concerns. We ate healthy, exercised 5 times a week and we both felt as though we had been successful in what we were trying to achieve in life.
Alison and I were talking in the kitchen about our first “Retirement Cruise” in two weeks time, around the Mediterranean. We had been cruising for years but this time we didn’t have to worry about anything back home, work, the kids or family, we were genuinely looking forward to time to ourselves.
I had my back to her in the kitchen as I made us both a cup of tea and she was bagging up a batch cook from the slow cooker for the freezer, talking about cruise excursions.
She suddenly said my name “Gray…”, I turned to her staring at me. I will never forget that look of fear on her face and then literally watched the shine disappear from her eyes. I felt as though I was looking at a 2D image of my girl falling as the ground beneath her fell away.
I jumped and managed to catch her before her head hit the tiled floor… and that was it, she was gone!
I pumelled her chest giving CPR for 10 minutes before the paramedic arrived, he tried for another 15 minutes before the ambulance turned up and took her to hospital but it was all in vane.
My life ended there and then on that cold tiled floor, I failed to protect her, to keep her with me, to give our grandchildren, who she adored… a “Gran”.
Through my working life I always excelled at problem solving, at fixing things, being hands on, identifying risks and mitigating them. But now, I couldn’t keep with me the one thing that meant more to me than life itself. The one person who entrusted me to keep her safe so we could walk off hand in hand into the sunset… and I failed her! I could not see the embolism that had blocked and stopped her heart instantly, the silent killer.
The coroner said that “No matter what I or the paramedics did we would never have saved her outside the hospital”, but the guilt is still there and always will be. I know the first few minutes are the most important in trying to recover someone, but those few minutes will now beat me up for years to come. I should have done this or could have done that… too late now!
I am still here in the water at the base of the waterfall tumbling around, struggling to find my breath, trying to find myself and a reason to want to. What was the point in looking after ourselves and living healthy, we can just go at anytime?
I no longer exercise, I eat what I want, drink all the time, I’m beyond caring for myself. But I know, I have to learn to exist with out her, in a world I no longer feel part of… a life of torture for the sake of the kids.
Grief is nothing dark and sinister, grief is just all the love we have, but its in terrible pain.
After 3 years, I thought I would be starting to find some semblance of closure, some part of acceptance, but all I find is myself asking… “WHY US! What did we do wrong?”
I love you so, so much Alison and always will.
Pamela
God doesn’t end our loved ones life, but he does welcome them into his heavenly kingdom. I hope to be reunited with my husband someday day. Take care, and God bless you 