I lost my mum in March very suddenly at the age of 47. She had a massive brain haemorrhage and was on life support but after tests it showed she was brain dead. I don’t have any contact with my dad and I’m an only child so as her next of kin had to make the heartbreaking decision to turn off her life support.
I’ve been completely numb since it all happened, I’ve hardly cried and I’ve been powering through. I got married in September so think that took a lot of my focus but now all I can think about is that horrible day of getting the phone call to say she was in ICU, the doctors telling us that she probably wouldn’t make it & me lying in bed with her cuddling her and praying she would just wake up and that the doctors had some how got it wrong.
I just don’t know how I can possibly move on from this. My anxiety is through the roof because I’m convinced something bad is going to happen to the little family I have left (husband, daughter & grandad).
Hello Mrs LT, am so sorry about your mum. I lost mine in June and I think it’s the hardest thing to go through. I know life must seem really tough at the moment but believe me it does slowly begin to get better. I know this is a cliche but it’s true what people say…you need to be kind to yourself & look after yourself. I think it’s natural to have the feelings and worries that you do. Have you thought about having any grief counselling? It may help just to talk it through with someone. This site is really good because we have all been through it. You’re not alone .xx
Hi I lost my mum in February this year she was a wonderful mum don’t know how I am going to be this Christmas so I understand how you feel . I seem to be going through the motions for the sake of my family and small grandchildren mum used to give us a great Christmas so I want to do her proud but feel so guilty as well as she is not here I really really miss her so much,my mum passed away in icu as well and so very quickly, everything after felt so numb as if I was in a dream i felt being the eldest of four i had to be strong for everyone. You need time to take in everything that has happened take each day at a time it is ok to cry to be angry with the world it is part of grieving you have to deal with it your way just take small steps the people who love you will support you and be there for you. Xx
I lost my Mum in September 2016, I still miss her dreadfully today, she was my best friend, my rock, and I saw her nearly every day. I wish there was a MOM club (Missing Our Mums club). I live in Reading, if anyone fancies meeting up at a coffee shop I would be happy to set up. I miss my Mum so much because she was a great Mum, and that makes me very lucky to have had her in my life. x
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for all that you have been through. It sounds incredibly tough, and thank you for sharing your story with us.
I lost my mum in August and I’ve been very distracted/worried about death ever since. It’s hard to imagine a day where I don’t get stressed by these thoughts. If you have friends to talk to about this, talk to them, if they’re your friends they’ll want to be there for you. It must have taken massive amounts of strength to get through your wedding planning and wedding day having been bereaved so recently. Perhaps now is your time to heal, because it doesn’t sound like you’ve had much time to what with being so busy and powering on through life like a trooper
Is there anything you can think of trying to help manage your worries and anxiety? I find talking on here, and writing a blog, and talking to my partner, the best ways to help me keep going. What might work for you?
These things take time, is something I’ve also learnt. Be kind to yourself and do things that are best for you. If there’s any silver lining to what happened, cling on to it. For me, it’s that my mum didn’t know she was dying (I don’t think she knows she has died), that I feel like I had the perfect good bye with her even though I didn’t know it was goodbye for the last time, and that she is not in excruciating pain anymore.
Hi I’m Joanne, sorry for the loss to all of you I lost my mum 10 years ago and even now I’m struggling. She died the day after my youngest son turned 2 years old. She loved Christmas as well so this time of year has a certain poignancy to it. She found out she had lung cancer on a Monday, the Sunday after she died. I was strong for my younger brother at the time but I think that didn’t help me in the long run. But I was strong enough to caray my mum’s coffin on the day of her funeral. I know she will of been proud of me. I have read what you all wrote and thank you for letting me read it. Hopefully we can all help each other. Please don’t hesitate to contact me xxx
I lost my Mum in February and my heart goes out to you all… The last couple of weeks I have been so emotional which means my normal coping mechanisms of keeping myself from being upset are not working…it must be Christmas as I was the same around my birthday too and had the most vivid dream of my mum… I am going to be quit and focus on my little boy I think this year… and go for long walks and spend time doing what I and my family want to do… its rubbish isn’t it but we are not alone are we… I believe my Mum will be watching me but I know not everyone thinks like that…
I just think we must of all been lucky to have lovely mums that we miss so dreadfully and we should be as kind to ourselves as our Mums would of been to us…
So sorry about the death of your lovely Mum. You will probanly never get over it but just learn every day to adapt to living without her. I have to look at it that way.
My mum died at the end of July the day before my birthday. I miss her everyday but I don’t miss the horrible disease (Huntingtons) which affected her brain and eventually took over her entire body and mind. This disease took her away from me and everyone who loved her years before she died. She was only diagnosed 4 years ago so it’s been a big shock for our family as there is a 50/50 chance that myself or my siblings have inherited the gene.
I am experiencing very mixed emotions as well as feeling my loss. I often feel angry, guilty and confused. I get upset when i remember the lovely mum who brought me up when i was a child but then angry with the mum who was so horrible to me at times due to the inherited llness which nobody knew about until recently. What a mess. I’m so up and down it’s untrue.
I also have a son who has Downs Syndrome and a severe learning disability/Autism/OCD who is also completely non verbal. He is not able to understand anything about his late grandmother’s illness and death. My daughter is almost 11 and she is a lovely girl. I find I’m taknng it out on her and am being very short tempered with her and my husband (then I feel very upset and guilty about this). I feel I need more help but am not sure where to look for it.
So sorry for everyone’s loss, my dad died 2 weeks ago in hospital and all I can focus on is the hospital and his last few days. I try to keep telling myself he is at peace now but my emotions change hourly from sad, crying non stop, anger and feeling so alone is just agony. I live alone and have no other family and although I have a couple of close friends they are understandably busy with Christmas. I wish this pain would go away and I could rewind time to just have one more day with my wonderful dad
It’s all so raw for you Lyn. So sorry about your Dad and your situation. I will reply properly when I get chance. Just wanted to get in touch to tell you that on this forum you are never alone but in very good company!
Thank you Cath. I am so sorry to hear about your lovely mum and the horrible disease that took her away. The only comfort I can offer is like with my dad, they are both at peace now and no longer suffering.
I was my dad’s sole carer for the last 10 years and he had numerous health issues but we always got him sorted but he went into hospital on 14 Nov and passed away on the 6 Dec with congestive heart failure. I hated seeing him in that awful hospital and his decline was rapid. He went in as sharp as a razor mentally and just 3 weeks later he was gone. I can’t get those last hospital visits out of my mind and the awful nurses who spent more time chatting amongst themselves and the care on the ward was just awful. It was so undignified and unreal. Death is ugly and so final. My emotions swing from anger, confusion and helplessness. I have no partner, children or family. My mother is alive and I have a brother but as soon as dad went into hospital they cruelly and mercilessly cut me adrift. Banned me from the family home and refused any communication just like that without any explanation. I can only think they were jealous of my relationship with dad. Mum treated him badly and my brother lives 200 miles away and only visited 3 or 4 times a year. They took over all the funeral arrangements and only told me the date and time. I managed to read my euology and get through the day but realised I would now also be grieving the loss of them as well now. I am in a fog and feel like it is all a bad dream. Just horrible isn’t it Cath? I really feel for you xx
Lyn I feel for you. Family fall outs are the last thing you need at a time like this. Silly question i know, but have you tried talking to your Mum and brother to find out what you’re supposed to have done wrong?
Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of it all and losing someone close affects everyone in different ways. I am so sorry about the sudden loss of your Dad. It sounds as though you had no time at all to prepare for his death. I thought I was prepared to lose my mum but it was still a huge shock when it happened.
I am thinking of you tonight and saying a little prayer. I hope this gives you some comfort.
Hello Lyn. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I truly commend you for having the strength and courage to seek out help at such an early stage in your grieving. I lost my Dad many years ago so can’t truly relate. I did however lose my Husband to Congestive Heart Failure 14 months ago and can understand how upsetting it is to witness your loved one suffer with CHF. I also can relate too how heartbreaking it is to know the Hospital could and should have treated them in a way they so rightfully deserved. It’s only natural for you to dwell on the things that cause immense pain and anguish surrounding the sheer injustice of losing your much loved Dad. That’s ok in the short-term but if these thoughts don’t subside please don’t suffer in silence, seek out a sympathetic Dr at your Surgery and have a chat. I’m still dwelling on similar issues and it’s not a good place to be emotionally. I’m sorry to hear your family isn’t treating you right, I really am. I hope things get better and they look after you as they ought be doing. Maybe they can’t deal with things and are still in shock but you need’s are equally as important and I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you trying to deal with this on top of your devastating loss. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive for you, just focus on getting through each 24 hours as best you can and I hope your family extend their support to you. Warmest regards.
Tina thank you for your kind words and so sorry for the loss of your husband. I do dwell on the hospital vigil a lot as I felt inadequate and just an observer as it was all sudden and out of my control. It was all in the hands of the medical staff and the care was awful to say the least. Dad had many health issues but between us we kept on top of them and got them sorted and this time there was nothing either of us could do. Dad lost the ability to speak (delerium I think is the correct term) and knowing he couldn’t communicate was truly heartbreaking as my dad always had right up until this last hospital admittance a razor sharp mind. It all happened so quickly, he was admitted with fluid retention (odema) which I thought could be easily resolved. I think the hospitals neglect to communicate with famillies so they understand the dying process as it was all so undignified and I hadn’t a clue what end of life should look like and had to Google it so I knew why I was keeping my dad’s lips moist and lot’s of other similar things. We were notified of his passing by a tea lady. He passed 5 hrs after I left him. I believe he chose for me not to be there but again I didn’t know anything about dying.
My mother and brother have completely refused any communication whatsoever which I cannot comprehend. My mother and I had been estranged for 4 months due to her bad treatment of both me and my dad. She never even bothered to go to the funeral which was no surprise but I truly naiviely never thought we wouldn’t all pull together when he passed. My mother was jealous of the close relationship dad and I had. My brother was more of a shock as he lives 200 miles away and only visited 3 times a year. I am guessing his actions were about control but I will never know.
I am taking things day by day and doing the best I can with very little support and it truly is heartbreaking but I refuse to define my dad by death alone and those horrible memories. I will remember my dad for the wonderful man he was and that right at this moment isn’t achievable just yet.
Thank you so much for your support and your husband was a lucky man having such a kind and compassionate wife. I hope you are getting through your own grief and if I can help please let me know xx
Thanks Cath your thoughts and wishes mean a lot. Grieving is a very lonely place and not for the faint hearted…like everyone who has or who is going through this process, I am just trying to make sense of it all and it’s a roller coaster of a journey and I am so aware at 2 weeks it is early days. I console myself that dad is at peace now and not suffering and that helps me cope. I try to really sob and let it out but sometimes the tears will not come, sometimes they come when I least expect it. It’s a scary process and amongst trying to make sense of it all, I am not recalling any memories of dad if that makes sense? Someone thinking of me fills me with warmth and I truly appreciate that xx
We are all very lucky and I think the same my mum will be watching over me. My mum loved Christmas so it’s a very poignant time of year but special times I still do get emotional. Take care and thinking of you xxx
Hello LynnT - Many thanks for your comments, I’ll write a fuller reply later today if that’s ok. I attempted one last night but something went wrong and it didn’t send. Hope you manage a peaceful and restful time today.
Hello again Lynn. I hope you are getting through the day as well as you can and that by some miracle your family has done the kind and right thing and got in touch with you today of all days. It’s such a shame to be struggling alone. It made me smile to read that you won’t allow the loss of your Dad to define his wonderful life. That’s a lovely way to think for when you are feeling at your worst and I will try and think that also about my Husband. I know when I lost my Husband I wrote a “letter” to him everyday in a diary, telling him what I’d been doing and recalling old memories. I haven’t done that for a while as for some reason I was becoming distressed but I’m going to buy the prettiest notebook in the New Year and start again. I even included silly stuff like what was going on in his favourite soaps. I don’t know if keeping a journal is something you may feel would help you. You may even choose to write something even if you don’t intend to read it again. Another member I recall, kept a memory book.
Like you, my Husband went into Hospital with Oedema from the CHF. It was shattering to witness. He would deteriorate than rally round and I never really believed the worst would happen. I was aware of mistakes being made and his care neglected and I would challenge them until I felt I was becoming a pester to them. It started before that really at medics missed the window of time for getting a pacemaker. There are lots of “if onlys” and “what ifs.” I was too scared to do in-depth research on EOL myself but truly think hospitals should have someone to sit down with patients family to say this is what is really going to happen, how and why - because they do know even if they don’t know when. My Husband was in for 5 weeks then discharged for Hospice at home. They said he had “weeks” to live but he passed away just a few hours after discharge. A day after my birthday. I was alone with him and petrified as I didn’t realise what was happening. I was going to use the “weeks” to really look after him but I never got the chance and feel cheated. I think everyone of us on this forum would wish for just one extra day with their loved ones if they could ask for anything. My Husband was assigned a care package once home and to be honest I’m glad if anything that he was spared the indignity of having strangers to the house that looked as if they’d got dressed to go on a shift at the local factory with no uniform on etc. (Sorry, that was bit nasty I guess.)
The day after my loss I came to stay in my original family home some 25 miles away as I was too distraught to stay alone at our home and I knew very few neighbours. I was unprepared for how fractured my relationships with close family would and have become since my loss, it’s unbelievable and you don’t think it could happen. So in some small way I understand what you mean about grieving for the loss of your family relationships as well. Every bit of our lives are affected aren’t they.
Well, I’m sorry I have gone on a bit. It’s unusual to speak with someone who has personal experience of Heart Failure, especially Congestive Heart Failure. My Husband couldn’t be saved because as you probably know the Heart works the Kidneys and vice versa and everything is a vicious circle.
Two weeks is nothing, just a blink of an eye but already you have managed with your family and reading the Eulogy. Just try and concentrate on the vital stuff and put everything else in the background, grieving is so exhausting isn’t it. Try and eat as well, however little. I wish you strength and thanks again for your post and kind comments. Many here don’t mind a private message, including myself - so from me the invitation is always there to private message. Kind regards.
It’s been a forever kind of day but I have coped ok thank you, I hope you have too?
I managed to eat a M&S Turkey dinner for one and it was really nice. First time I have managed a full meal as I have just been eating small amounts. My friend popped in with some flowers and present and that was a lovely surprise, especially as it’s a new friendship, it was so nice to have her company. I am learning a lot about people during this roller coaster ride and I need to make a lot of changes in who I choose to be with. The kindest people through all this have been those I hardly know or strangers.
As expected I haven’t heard anything from family. I am starting to see this now as a blessing in disguise.
Tina, how alike we are! I too have been keeping a journal but I am being careful not to become over focused on it because it can cause more distress. It sometimes is difficult to know what to do for the best so I try to just go with the flow.
Dad also had kidney disease and yes it was all a balancing act, they pumped him full of diuretics which caused problems with his potassium, they sorted that and then it was low sodium then high blood sugar. He was on endless antibiotics and in the end I could see no improvement and dad was now bedridden and delirious, I had been pestering them daily when you could actually find a Dr or senior nurse and told them to stop the medication as they were only prolonging his life and his quality of life is more important. 3 weeks before dad was admitted his mind was razor sharp for his age of 80 and he was decorating & painting his lounge and hall to have to then witness this deterioration. It was so undignified and my dad was a strong, determined independent man and if he wasn’t coming out how he was when he went in and minus the odema then I know I made the right decision.
Dad underwent heart surgery only 4 months before, he had his aorta valve replaced via a TAVI and everyone assured us it was successful and all his ecg’s and echo’s were all fine and dad was recovering ok (although my dad did say he had his doubts about it)? My dad was always right so I think it had contributed but even so still a shock.
I know what you must have gone through and my heart goes out to you because nobody can tell you with CHF what is the next step.
Death should be a dignified process not a chaotic gruesome finale where nobody knows what to expect! I am still so angry about it all but I am also relieved my dad is at peace now and no more health worries and hospitals. I take my biggest comfort from his peace and that is what keeps me going.
I would love to private email you Tina and please let me know how your day has been and that you are ok xx
It’s been a forever kind of day but I have coped ok thank you, I hope you have too?
I managed to eat a M&S Turkey dinner for one and it was really nice. First time I have managed a full meal as I have just been eating small amounts. My friend popped in with some flowers and present and that was a lovely surprise, especially as it’s a new friendship, it was so nice to have her company. I am learning a lot about people during this roller coaster ride and I need to make a lot of changes in who I choose to be with. The kindest people through all this have been those I hardly know or strangers.
As expected I haven’t heard anything from family. I am starting to see this now as a blessing in disguise.
Tina, how alike we are! I too have been keeping a journal but I am being careful not to become over focused on it because it can cause more distress. It sometimes is difficult to know what to do for the best so I try to just go with the flow.
Dad also had kidney disease and yes it was all a balancing act, they pumped him full of diuretics which caused problems with his potassium, they sorted that and then it was low sodium then high blood sugar. He was on endless antibiotics and in the end I could see no improvement and dad was now bedridden and delirious, I had been pestering them daily when you could actually find a Dr or senior nurse and told them to stop the medication as they were only prolonging his life and his quality of life is more important. 3 weeks before dad was admitted his mind was razor sharp for his age of 80 and he was decorating & painting his lounge and hall to have to then witness this deterioration. It was so undignified and my dad was a strong, determined independent man and if he wasn’t coming out how he was when he went in and minus the odema then I know I made the right decision.
Dad underwent heart surgery only 4 months before, he had his aorta valve replaced via a TAVI and everyone assured us it was successful and all his ecg’s and echo’s were all fine and dad was recovering ok (although my dad did say he had his doubts about it)? My dad was always right so I think it had contributed but even so still a shock.
I know what you must have gone through and my heart goes out to you because nobody can tell you with CHF what is the next step.
Death should be a dignified process not a chaotic gruesome finale where nobody knows what to expect! I am still so angry about it all but I am also relieved my dad is at peace now and no more health worries and hospitals. I take my biggest comfort from his peace and that is what keeps me going.
I would love to private email you Tina and please let me know how your day has been and that you are ok xx
