I lost my Mum less than two weeks ago

[Banafell]

Hi All, I’m new here.

I’m a single parent and there is a backstory which I might go into at a later date, but we lost my Dad 3 years 3 months ago.

He fell down the stairs and broke his neck. We had to let him go, it was one of the most horrid things I’ve been though. I was 8 months pregnant when we had to say goodbye.

Fast forward to two weeks ago and I was unable to contact Mum, she was found dead by her unslept bed, and she had passed some hours before

I know she’s happy with Dad now. But I miss her so much, I can’t believe that I’ll never hear her voice again. All the toys that my daughter was playing with that day were still on my Mum’s bed. It was so sudden. We assume she had a heart attack.

It was just us three amigos. Mum, me and my daughter (who turned three on Saturday just gone)

I’m back in work, and I know life goes on, but sometimes the pain is unbearable and my knees buckle and I’m sobbing.

Please tell me it gets easier?

I work full time, and have been having trouble sleeping. Mum used to do the nursery runs for me on the days I worked from the office (I am lucky enough to do a couple of days from home a week) there is no one else there to look after my daughter and I’m exhausted.

I just wanted to tell someone I guess. Thank you for reading.

[Lynne06]

Oh Banafel I’m so sorry for your loss in such tragic circumstances.
I have no idea how have managed to go back to work so soon, my dad passed 29th November, can’t face work (I’m a nurse)
I still burst into floods of tears all the time don’t even need to be thinking about him. I simply have no control of my emotions.
Please know that you are not alone. There are several ppl I have formed a bond with on here, one in particular who’s situation very similar to mine. I hope you have support at home. I feel that the rest of my family are managing to move forward but I am stuck in the same place and can’t get out. I feel my friends no longer know what to say to me. Times moving forward but grief has hold of me and won’t let me go.
I hope this forum helps you, speaking with others and hearing their stories can bring more tears & heartbreak but knowing other ppl are going through the same traumatic physical and emotional pain gives me something/someone to share my experiences with. Never thought I could ever feel so isolated and devastated.
Sending love
Lynne

[Mazza6]

Hi Banafell,
You poor thing. There are a number of rlements to your story, that just one or two would be bad enough.
The way your Dad died and losing your mum so shortly after. Perhaps you think your mums heart attack couldve been triggeted by the loss of your Dad?
I lost my mum on Dec 26th and her funeral is on Monday. Im beside myself with grief.
The way you described the 3 of you (wuth your daughter) reminded me of my mum, me and my niece. We made such a good threesome and had great times tigethet. I bet you did too?
Your daughter will be affected too, so youre probably thinking of her. Having your mums help will be lost as well.
Youve so many losses. I feel for you.
Mazza x
.

[Mazza6]

Sorry I misread some of your post.

[Kate111]

I feel for you. I lost my mum in identical circumstances, she had collapsed next to her bed on the morning of 4th October.
You are bound to be in shock still, it’s so traumatic to find our mums like that.
You are probably feeling exhausted with working as well. I was shattered for the first week.
It does get easier, the waves are not as intense, but losing our mums is just the worst loss. I think it has changed me. It’s an isolating time. Have you got a support network? This forum has helped me enormously: a place to vent my feelings, to connect with others in the same boat and to offer support. Sending love and strength. Kate xx

[Banafell]

Thank you all for your messages. @Lynne06 I am not strong in the fact that I have come back to work, I have worked here for 20 years and don’t have a client facing role, my Mum was a nurse - you’re all so caring, if I had to go back to a client facing role I’d still be off.

Yesterday was a bad one for me, if someone shouted ‘‘Boo!’’ I’d have cried for the rest of the day, today I feel a bit stronger, funny how grief comes in waves.

I’m actually a single Mum and do not have a partner, I had to come into work (at the beginning of the week) and the first cuddle I got was from one of the girls in my team. I just crumbled and she helped me up. Bless her.

It hurts as the girl who is my so called ‘‘best’’ friend I haven’t seen, just one message about my Mum ‘regrettably’’ dying and that was it. I asked her if I could see her, she mentioned something about being busy and then there were pics of her over social media over the weekend living it up. I’m not sad, I’m disappointed. But I sure as hell will remember it.

One of the nicest things is that I’ve been contacted by a couple of girls who I went to school with and they’ve both lost their Mums, they check in now and then, and I don’t feel so alone.

I’ve been single for just under four years now, and I’m used to being lonely, but this is a different kind of lonely in the evening, when I’ve put my daughter to bed, and tidied up. I keep checking on her as I think she might be taken from me too. Silly I know, but she’s all I’ve got left in the world.

@Mazza6, yes Mum’s first heart attack (right after losing Dad) was the stress of losing him, she had a stent put in and all was fine, for the next three years, until that fateful night.

Oh yes, Mum, my daughter and I used to go everywhere together, I am in tears now thinking of happy times, I’m sure you hold onto those beautiful memories too?

@Kate111 How’re you coping now? Yes, I am absolutely exhausted, when I get home and have done everything I need to, I go to bed - whether it’s 19.30 or 20.00.

You ladies responding to me is the most comfort and communication I’ve had about Mum in the last two weeks.

Thank you all for being so kind xx

[Lynne06]

We are unfortunately all in this wee secluded group but I have found some comfort sharing my experiences with the ppl on here.
Like you it’s random ppl from my past that have shown the most interest in my well-being while my close circle doesn’t really show much interest now. I messaged and ranted every day of dads decline and they all attended his funeral but like you I have suggested meeting up for lunch (it’s still to happen) have been for lunch on 2 occasions once with friends from childhood and last week with 2 previous colleagues. I worry about mum see her frailty now and can barely look at her coz I don’t want to admit her health is deteriorating. I think we are all worry now that someone else will be taken from us. It has certainly changed me as a person. Usually the strong one
I’m sure ur wee girl will fill a lot of your time and prob chat away about her gran. I have a nephew age 9 and a great niece age 3 who love to look through all the old pics they won’t forget their papa as your wee girl will always remember your mum xxx
Sending love
Lynne

[Kate111]

Isn’t it amazing how so called best friends disappear in grief?
My “best friend” has disappeared … I’ve had the odd message in over 4 months…
I don’t live in the Uk, but I’m only a phone call/ text message away. The only time we spoke, I called her.
It really is so lonely, infuriating and disappointing. It’s like a loss within a loss. Even here with my circle of friends nobody ever asks any more how I’m feeling…
It’s like after 4 months I’m supposed to be “over it”?
My ten year old has been my greatest comfort and the lovely people on this forum. Strangers who are more like friends in this awful time. xx

[Lynne06]

Absolutely I’ve just written a short story on my friend group chat regarding my counselling sessions. All 4 read it an hr later got 1 response “glad you have someone to talk to”
Yeah thanks ladies
Glad I have all the support here otherwise dunno where I’d be x

[Mazza6]

It is comforting knowing others are going through this awful time as well isn’t it?
Yes, I’ve written a tribute to my mum today and sent it to the priest. I mentioned the lovely happy times and treasured memories of the 3 of us together. We were lucky to have them.
There’s such a huge gaping gap in our lives isn’t there.
Mazza x

[Kate111]

That’s a shocking response! I know exactly how you feel. I think that maybe they have to experience an important loss first hand to really understand, but it seems so cold and cruel that the support isn’t there doesn’t it?
I had a really insensitive text from my best friend one week after my mum’s death, it floored me to be honest.
It’s so true when they say that grief forces you to rearrange your address book…
Thank goodness for places like this. Xx

[Lynne06]

I never truly understood grief until I’m drowning in it now tbh. I’m sorry your friend was so insensitive it’s really disheartening. I have been on the verge of closing my group chat on several occasions over the past few weeks. But I hope I am the better person when they lose a parent. X I actually apologised to a former colleague I met last week for lunch. She lost her dad 18 months ago and although I never said anything disrespectful I apologised for not completely understanding what she was going through xxx

[Kate111]

It’s so true, only those who have experienced grief first hand can really understand. Although I lost my dad aged 9, it was different as I was a child and so long ago. The loss of a parent is just so hard, you just expect your parents to be around forever don’t you? Although mum was elderly with her health problems and it was to be expected sooner or later, it’s hit me so hard. How far into your grief journey are you? After 4 months, it is easier, but the waves still come and the emptiness is still always there in the pit of my stomach. I wish I’d have found this forum in those early days as I felt so alone. Kate xx

[Valda]

Hi Banafell
I get exactly where you are and new to this site to. I lost my mum at the end of December suddenly, I found her at home as she had a heart attack, no signs as was doing fine.
I am a single parent and my boy is now 12 but he saw his nana most days and she helped me raise him, we are both devastated and so lost without her we were the 3 amigos to. I can’t say it’s getting easier as the grief just hits you when you don’t expect it. You just need to take each day as it comes, it’s easy for folk to say get some sleep but it’s like an alarm clock goes off at 3am for me and I can’t sleep till its time to get up.
Just try and look after yourself and your daughter.
Valda xx

[Lynne06]

10 and a half weeks since I lost my dad. His decline was so rapid I just can’t take it in. After diagnosis end of October I could see he was more tired and much less energy but still independent and mobile until 2 weeks before he died. Then suddenly he had no balance, no mobility, and cudnt even feed himself, he could only see shadows, lost his speech and sedated his past few days. Iv never saw anyone decline so quickly and Iv been nursing since 2006. It breaks my heart just writing this. Dad kept asking me “what’s wrong with me? What’s happening to me? And I had no answers

[Kate111]

Oh I feel for you. Did you manage to get a proper diagnosis in the end? My mum’s heart failure was deteriorating rapidly at the end, even though she died suddenly which was such a complete shock. Just over a month before her heart nurse had said she was stable and signed he back to her GP. That gave us false hope I guess. I can’t stop replaying those final days in my mind even after 19 weeks, trying to find a logic to what was happening, even though we didn’t realise the severity at the time. It must be frustrating too being a nurse and not having the answers, but I’m sure your dad felt very reassured having you there for him. Have you got a good support network apart from the absent friends? I’m finding it very isolating still. xx

[Lynne06]

Hi Kate
Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer but advised by consultant to live life as normal it would be months rather than weeks before he started deteriorating. But he went down like a sinking ship and I can’t get my head round it. It was horrifying to see him lose something every day. Was in hospice his last 2 weeks. I cud not stop crying seeing him totally dependant within days. I was completely distraught and still am. and like you Kate I relive the same thing continually. I’m attending a counsellor via zoom 4 sessiins already had 2 and just repeating everything diagnosis till death. My support is here with yourself and many others. Who completely understand exactly what I’m going through

Cxxx

[Kate111]

I’m sorry that your dad declined so quickly and I can relate to how helpless you felt. For me all the could haves, should haves, would haves… I keep beating myself up, but logically I know that we are only human.
I started therapy too. We are analysing that morning up to when I found mum, it was so traumatic and I want to be able to go into her room without feeling traumatised. At the moment I just can’t. My therapist says it won’t be so disturbing eventually, even though right now I don’t see how. It is good to vent my feelings. Do you feel the counselling is helping you? Xx

[Lynne06]

I’ve only had 2 sessions Kate and don’t really have a goal as such. Just need to try n get back to normal. I’m mostly in the depression stage of grief but still hold onto a lot of anger with gp failing to do anything for dad. Had to ask colleagues to refer him to district nurses and palliative care team. In his last 4 +1/2 weeks. GPS done nothing despite several complaints.
Your situation must have been so traumatic for you to find mum like that. I can’t imagine how you must feel about that. Don’t know how I would cope in your place tbh. Perhaps trying her favourite flowers in her room or spraying her perfume, I honestly don’t know but wish I could help.
As everyone says time will change you. No idea how long it takes but everyone is different. Life goes on around me and I can only live in the last horrible weeks of dads life over & over.
I hope you find peace at some point and find the strength to face mums room. My counsellor suggested writing a letter to dad ? I do talk to his photos asking him to forgive me for all the time I could have shared with him, for all the stupid arguments I had with him, I beg n cry n shout at him to do something to show me he’s ok but nothing happens I wish I had answers Kate xxx
Sending love and hugs x

[Kate111]

I know Lynne it’s so frustrating. I keep going over those last days…last 2 weeks. I think mum was detoriating, but only now in hindsight can I really see that. I keep saying why I didnt spend enough quality time with her, maybe she realised the end was near, but didn’t want to tell me how she felt as she knew how I worried and would have insisted we went to a&e. She said the day before she didn’t want to go to hospital or to the doctors and that she would be better tomorrow…
Now the sickness and diahorrea I think were her kidneys failing/ high potassium which probably brought on the cardiac arrest. I’ve been reading so much… it helps to find a reason for what happened. With a weak heart, lungs and kidneys it’s all a catch 22 I think. It’s not so much the medical side because she wouldnt have survived even with cpr, its why wasn’t I closer to her from an emotional point of view? She was living with us (here in Italy) so we were always together, but I think I could have been more "there"for her…even though I did so much, my friends all tell me this.
I think guilt and self blame are a normal part of grief. I think your dad knows how much you love him and my mum too. Of course they forgive us. None of us are perfect, but we always did our best for them. They do know that.
My therapist told me too to write mum a letter and also her reply to me which I’ve done. I felt it did help and made me think what she would reply to me and tell me to do now. You could try this.
Sorry for the rant but it does help to vent doesn’t it?
Sending love.xxx