I may try it I just feel it’s not something we ever did so now seems silly to me. But further down the line it might be done. I agree we all seem to dwell on being some kinda super human in an anime tic an soap who spends all their time telling family they love them n hug all the time. We weren’t that kinda family. I did have a few moments under the quilt with him towards the end. He would rub my hands to heat me up n I felt like his wee girl again 🥹 just wish i had always been that way and told him I missed being his wee lassie x
1 Like
Hi Banafell
Just read your post and my heart goes out to you. You are already coping so well especially with your little girl.Life is so cruel sometimes.Try to rest as much as you can when your little girl sleeps.Keep strong for her and get through the next few weeks doing all you have to do for your mam.
Can you take some time off work eg sick leave? At least you can work from home which must help in a small way.
I can’t advise you how to cope losing your mum bec I have just lost mine on Dec 30th and am not coping myself.Am just here for you if you need a chat anytime PM also if you want to .Just want to say this site has been my life saver bec in the past 5 weeks I have had some dark times and without the support of others on here I wouldn’t have had anyone to turn to.Please keep posting no matter how trivial you may think it is bec people on here really do care and will reply to you
Deborah x
2 Likes
Hi Deborah, thank you for your message. Isn’t it funny, I’m getting more comfort and kindness from strangers than I am from my so called friends.
I’m doing my best, my little girl is who I live for. She’s utterly adorable.
When I put her to bed in the evening I just go to bed and cry. I wish I had someone to cuddle me, I am feeling so low, but I keep pushing myself. As you can tell by the time of this message, I’m not sleeping well. I wake up and just don’t go back to sleep too.
How’re you doing? How’re you feeling? I really appreciate your message xx
2 Likes
Hi Banafell
I was supposed to get up at 7am this morn and leave here by 8am to travel 35 miles to where my mum’s town is so I could go to church as they are mentioning her in prayers this morning.But I have had the most terrible night with not sleeping and now I am too exhausted to do anything.Its too late to go up now so I feel worse that I have missed it and guilty I have let her down.I just feel so so tired all the time
Today I plan on just resting and am staying in bed for a few hours. I feel I can’t function with this grief.And today is just one of those days when I want to hide away.
Right now o am in bed looking up at the sky seeing the clouds move so gently across the sky and I just wonder where is she.Can she see me?Can she hear me when I talk to her? Does she know what I am thinking? I hope she does.
I am emotionally well and truly up the creek without a paddle and this morning I have this huge lump in my throat and a massive hard feeling in the heart and feel sick in the pit of my stomach.Havent cried yet this morn Does this mean my crying has stopped?I want it to but then I don’t.What a hell of a way to feel.And it’s Sunday.I always loved Sundays.Such a calming day.I don’t even know sometimes what day it is in amongst all this grief.Days roll into one.
Yes totally agree about the support from strangers being sometimes better than from friends and family. People on here who reply are the ones who whatever you write resonates with them.They really understand what you feel and are going through.Itsca very real battle and none of us know the outcome or how it will take each one of us to even start to feel better.We just know that by sending simple messages by replying to each other then we are doing a small part in helping the other person I don’t mean helping them to move forward bec that’s a big step but helping them to realise there are people on here who care and are here if anyone needs a chat or moan or whatever.Its only ourselves that can make us happy again and we must try to work that one out ourselves with the tools I suppose we have to do that With you it will most certainly be your daughter.Shecwil be your saving grace.For me I am not sure.My son is 27 and he works all over the world so I only get to see him for a few days here and there when he comes home.He hasn’t technically moved out as his work takes him all over the place so can’t buy anywhere yet as would never be there.I think at the mo he is my saving grace as I know I still have him at home as daft as that is at 27.It gives me something to look forward to anyway.
I also check on here daily and try to respond to people especially new ones.This helps me.
Keep going bec you are doing so well even when you are at your worst.Plan things to do with your little girl even if it’s just going out for five minutes for a walk. I get a lot of comfort from nature and in the past have visited the beach often as my nearest is only ten mins away.Is this something you could do ?
I have found that just doing something no matter how trivial has helped me but I appreciate how tough it is to even get going.Thats the worst part.Actually getting one foot in front of the other to drag yourself off to do anything.How I wish I could turn back time
Just remember you are alone in your personal grief but you are not alone on here.We are with you all the way ok and I am personally here for you whenever you need a chat
Will check on you later
Deborah x
4 Likes
I know Lynne we weren’t that touchy feely with each other either, but we certainly knew how much we loved and cared about each other. For my whole life I knew this time would come, but now that it is here it just feels impossible to comprehend.
A few days before mum died we were sat on the sofa watching Tv and I had this feeling to put my head on her lap so she could stroke my hair like when I was little. But I didnt… now she will never be able to do that. Another regret… 
Why is it so hard? I’ve come to realise that how deeply we are all grieving is just a reflection of how much we truly loved them.
2 Likes
Morning Kate
Yeas very difficult times still to come I’m sure. Think we have to forgive ourselves for being human and admit that no relationships are perfect but like you I didn’t need to hear words to know I am part of a loving family. I actually slept well last night. Didn’t see past 1:30 am usually awake until 3-4. In the process of trying to get in touch with my GP for an extended sick line and my counsellor suggests a change in medication. Taking mum her weekly shop today as I dodged it yesterday, stating it was because the heavy rain. Just wanted to crawl back to my bed after a very short visit 🫣
Hope you have a peaceful day xx
1 Like
It says it all really doesn’t it?
2 Likes
totally agree Carol19. Just felt I needed to share it as sometimes you see something and think yes thats correct. I know i did anyway and wanted to share it with others.
Thank you for replying
Deborah x
4 Likes
Hi Lynne, I’m glad to hear you slept better:it does make all the difference,helps us to bear our load a bit easier.
Yes it’s true that we have to be more kind and forgiving to ourselves. We already are all going through the excruciating pain of grief and loneliness without adding the burden of self blame or guilt.
I felt down today. Didn’t do much, a walk in the park as it was a lovely sunny day, really Spring like. I felt I needed to just have any easy day without any targets.
Tomorrow I’m working from home which is always difficult as it reminds me of mum, it’s easier in the office.
Hope you had a good day.xx
2 Likes
Hi Deborah, How’re you feeling today?
I wanted to respond yesterday but I didn’t have time, my toddler has so much energy and followed me everywhere! then when she went to bed, I had all the tidying, cleaning, packing, etc. to do and collapsed fully clothed into bed, till the alarm went off at 05.00am this morning.
I do believe your Mum (both our Mum’s) can hear us when we talk to them, and know what we are thinking . I believe my Mum sends me little signs that she’s close to me (her favorite number was 7) and when I checked my phone earlier the battery was at 77% and her favorite animal was an elephant - this morning when I opened my daughter’s yoghurt the animal on the top of the lid was ‘E’ for Elephant. It makes me smile. And brings me some comfort.
My friend just believes that when people die they’re just gone completely, but we all have our beliefs. Mum always said that she’d show us she was around when she was gone. I just didn’t think it would be so soon. I wasn’t ready. I’ve never lived in a world without my Mum.
I completely agree that what people write on here, it’s often exactly what I’m thinking. It’s tragic that we are all brought together in this way through grief, but I’m so grateful I have someone to talk to, or just let my thoughts out freely. I have no one at home, so can’t do that.
You mentioned going to a beach and going for a walk, I do that most weekends with my daughter, it’s so calming. I was thinking about taking her for an actual holiday this summer. Somewhere abroad, but I don’t know if I feel strong enough to do that at the moment as I’m taking each day as it comes.
I’ve just booked Wednesday off work, so I can have some time to myself, I don’t know if it’ll be a mistake till I try it. I hope it’s a good day.
We should be so proud of ourselves on how we’ve coped, we are so strong. I know your Mum would be proud of you. Perhaps they’re chatting to each other as we are?
Take care of yourself.
Nichola x
4 Likes
Hiya Banafell,
Aww having a bad day today. Tried stopping mams telephone and when i phoned BT i just burst into tears. Felt so sorry for the poor woman on the other end. She said she will phone me back in 10 mins . It was just the questions she asked me like mams full name etc. It felt so real. I know its real but it sounded so matter of fact even though the lady was lovely.
Something strange happened last night with me about signs also. I know it was her. I shall post on the signs link and copy it for you afterwards It really was her
I just want to sort one thing today and that’s the telephone for her that’s all. I cant motivate myself to do anything else
Then am going back to bed because I am no good to anyone today
Thanks for keeping in touch
Deborah x
4 Likes
@Valda I am so sorry I missed responding to your message, you know what it’s like being a single parent. My heart goes out to you losing your Mum in the same way. You’re completely right about waking up at 03.00am and being unable to go back to sleep, even when you’re bone tired, sleep evades you.
How’re you doing today? I’m having a good one today, I feel stronger in my core - if you know what I mean? like my Mum’s love and strength is here within me and helping me today.
I am dreading her funeral, I know that I’m going to be an absolute wreck, and it’ll be so final too. I don’t want to say goodbye to her.
I don’t want the seasons to change, because then it’ll be like she’s really gone. Do you know what I mean? if everything stays the same, then I can kid myself that she’s just gone away for a bit and she’ll be back.
I am so sad that she will miss my daughter growing up as she loved her with all her heart, and the feeling from my daughter was reciprocated.
I see people my age out and about with their parents, and I get this pang of jealousy that they’ve got them and I haven’t. Do you feel these feelings too?
What was the sign that you knew was your Mum @seychelles
Speak to you soon, I hope 
1 Like
@Banafell @seychelles
I am having a better day, I don’t know what it is but I got her ashes on Friday and they are at the side of my sofa where she sat when she visited so I have been talking to her. Where I was going to put her she doesn’t fit so there just now till I decide where to put her.
I have had various memories coming up on my Facebook, we were in florida this time last year at a family wedding (her happy place) and the year before we were away overnight. I know what you mean, just folk saying they are taking their mum shopping etc we won’t have that experience again and it hurts when I realise that.
My neighbour next door passed away the day before my mum so his daughter and I have been talking as we are going through similar stages of the process and it’s a comfort as we understand about bad day’s and having wobbles and we don’t have to put up a front.
Thank you both for listening.
Valda x
3 Likes
You are welcome Take whatever help you can from anyone
Deborah x
i had an old mobile phone in my draw and when i went to check it after recharging it the only number on it was my mums and she had rang 5 mins before That was impossible i know so double and treble checked It was correct I rang it back knowing no one would answer and got upset so went down to make a cup of tea When i went back upstairs the number had vanished from my phone I really thought i was going mad until i checked the call duration and there it was for the last number i rang I really cant explain it but yesterday I had the most awful crying day and somehow i felt my mam coming through to me
Deborah x
3 Likes
Hi. Here is another one who is feeling pangs of jealousy seeing women with someone who looks like their mum. I think “Youre so lucky…”. I also have been waking up 3-4am for quite a while now, too.
My mums funeral did go well yesterday. Lovely service, people kind. Today I just feel sorrow , pain and incredibly lost. How on earth is this going to go away?
Life just doesn’t feel the same at all, does it?! 
Mazza x
3 Likes
Mazza
The day after its like an emptiness as its so final and its another hit of reality that you are not going to see them again. Its a weird feeling. It’s good to hear that it went well for you.
I got told today that now I am back at my work it’s my journey for moving on, well I don’t think so I am there and it’s a distraction and I haven’t moved on. Someone sent me a photo of her from a few years back and I just broke down, so glad I work from home.
You like the rest of us this is a process we will deal and cope with in our own ways. Sending you hugs and take care of yourself.
Valda xx
2 Likes
Hi Mazza6
my mums funeral was a week ago and what i have experienced is a new type of grief . People have stopped talking about her and that upsets me . seeing people get on with their lives is so upsetting but i know they have to . I feel lost even more now as the funeral has been planned. The arrangements have been made etc and I am on my own now. Going to her house is exactly the same except she is not sitting in her chair and it breaks my heart.
Deborah x
1 Like
Thanks Valda and seychelles. Ive also heard people mention ‘moving on’ and Ive just had to say to people " I know what you mean, Im just not there yet…" people have commented on the 7 wk gap between passing abd funeral. I feel its though " You should be stronger " or something.
Ive even had a couple of people comment on me “still” having my sympathy cards up?! Theyre not friends…Just bloody annoying isnt it.
Yes, all we can do is take it a step at a time. My brother has text me today that hes finding yesterday hard to shake off. Who would feel ok the day after your mums funeral?
Mazza x
2 Likes