I lost my Mum

I’m here because I feel awful that I wasn’t holding my Mums hand at the end. She had a sudden heart attack and was taken to hospital / we managed to get in 3 times to the hospital but were told to leave and she died 6 hours later after being in hospital 24 hours. I wish I had been there. I’m so worried she would have been scared. She was a kind lovely lady and was there for so many others. We had special time saying all we needed to say and the room was full of love and laughter but my mind is going over what it would have been like when we left. She was 87 and we lost my sister / her daughter 5 years ago and she never recovered from it x

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I’m sorry you lost your Mum. I too lost my Mum suddenly from pneumonia and a heart attack. She was in hospital and even the doctors were surprised at the sudden change of events.
There is nothing easy about grief. The best one can do is try and look after ones health, as best as one can. Take it hour by hour on the worst days. Take care.

Dear Tenerifetoes,
How sad that the hospital told you to leave. Our loved ones deserve to have us by their sides when they die. I can understand that you feel upset about not being there to hold her hand, but you have to tell yourself that this was not your fault. Try not to keep dwelling on that moment, but on the precious moment you did have with her, where as you say ’

Many people who come to this site never had a chance to do that.
When my dad died, he was at home and my mum, sisters and I were with him. When my mum died I could not be there, but I know that her death was peaceful. Did the hospital give you any information on how your mum died? She may have been asleep and not scared at all. I hope you can put your worries to one side and find comfort in all the happy memories you have of her.

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I’'m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard it was to not have been there at the end… She would have known that you loved her and i hope you can take some comfort from that and that the nurses would have looked after her. My mum died from cancer 12 days ago and I was there at the end but it was not peaceful and I have to work on remembering her whole life and the time we had together rather than the last few hours, days, weeks and months. It’s a slow journey but take it a hour at a time; its all you can do and remember the love. Cx

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Dear Tenerifetoes,

I too lost my mother recently and wasn’t their to hold her hand at the end. It is very hard. It is only natural to feel guilty even though you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It wasn’t your fault or your choice that you weren’t there. The doctors put you out you had no choice. You have the memory of being there and having that special time not many people get that and that is what you should hold onto as that is what your mum will take with her. Know that your mum will not have been alone at the end someone always comes for us. I have witnessed this previously. It is always someone very close it may even have been your sister. Know that your mum is with your sister and life goes on even when the body doesn’t. I don’t know what is on the other side but this much I do know as I witnessed it years ago. Pain and grief comes in waves and over time and affects everyone differently. You are still in the early stages. You may even still be grieving for your sister yourself sometimes a new close death can make us grieve others too since it sounds like you had to be strong for your mother regarding your sisters death and may not have grieved yourself. . Take it a day at a time. But let the guilt go. Hope you have support round about you at this time. Thinking of you.

Thank you everyone - I lost dad, my sister and now mum and it brings up all the memories. I feel a strong sense of them being together. I know mum would not want me to beat myself up for not being there at the end. She did have a nurse with her who was calm and kind and she was praying and I hope that gave her peace. X

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Dear meebee if it is not too personal I would like to hear of your experience - I was surrounded by butterflies after mum died and on the day of the funeral but not so much now - I felt mum was around but not so much now and I’m really missing her. My comfort is that all is well with her wherever she is xxx

Knowing that she had someone with her at the end must bring you some comfort and I am glad she had someone who was caring and was there in your stead. I am sure that it gave her peace. It is not too personal and I have already wrote about it on here before. I am signing off now because I have had a bit of a tramatic night but I will get back to you and private msg you next time I am on here if you wish. let me know. I too wasn’t at my mums side when she passed I was given conflicting information from family at the time. It was a very difficult situation which I have discussed on here. My experiences relate to my dad and my empathic synesthesia which is temporarily switched off because of my own grief. Anyway thinking of you take care signing off for now.

Hi tenerfifetoes,
Just to add a different perspective to your concerns. I lost my mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage last june. Other than a mini stroke which appeared to have hardly affected her 11 days earlier my mum was in apparently good health and very active. She was only 74.
At 10pm I was told she would die over thr next few hours and i chose not to sit by her bedside. I ciukdng bear to see mum like that as we never stopped chatting together and I wanted to remember her how she was when I had seen her just a few hours earlier, laughing and chatting. I also feel that my mum would have been distressed knowing that I was grief stricken at her bedside.
I have the occasional regret about it but in general I am satisfied I made the right choice. I remained in the relatives room at the hospital until I was told that she had passed.
I miss mum more than words can describe and will never be the same again but it’s what you did with them in life that’s important. Not whether you were there at the end. My mum and I did absolutely everything together. Shopped, lunched, brought up my daughter and lived together. It’s this that I think of.
Cheryl x

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Thank you everyone i feel less alone x Cheryl you oh are so right - Mum was always trying to protect us and honestly not sure she would have wanted us there. The doctors kept saying she was dying and letting us in but she perked up each time. The doctors were amazed. We had a horrific time losing my sister to cancer a few years ago - so much suffering, I was ill afterwards. This was so different x

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Yes my mum was very good at hiding her pains and illnesses. The post mortem revealed a historic heart attack she knew nothing about. My mum would not have wanted me there watching her last moments. She didnt even admit when she was taking painkillers for a headache.
It sounds like your mum was the same.
Me? I tell my daughter every ache and pain I get!

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How strange - my mum also had a heart attack she knew nothing about. We lost my sister 2016 and we think it was then. They are at peace now x

Yes they are x

I am feeling so low today. I really miss mum so desperately. I moved away at 18 and now I wish I had stayed so I could pop in and see her every day. All too late now. I just want her back x

Hi Cheryl
I believe whether or not you are there at the time they pass is irrelevant and that the choice is taken out of your hands by them. If you truly love someone if they are dying they would not want that to be your lasting memory of them and that they chose to pass alone and that means they want you to celebrate their life and not focus on their passing. This is unconditional love. A parent will protect their child to their dying breath and we have to honour their life in every way we can. This is their legacy and providing you with the strength to move forwards. You are their next breath and your life and happiness is what they lived for x

I remember these words from my dad only months before he died (not an expected death). He said I would be ok never seeing you ever again as long as you are happy. Those words are something I constantly think of in my deepest, darkest hours and I strive to live the happy live my dad wanted for me

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Hi LynT
What you say is interesting because while mum was in her coma I spent the whole time thinking I cant see her.
Then the doctor came to tell us mum was brain dead and I said I’m going to say goodbye. I walked towards her bed got about 10 feet away and then turned round and walked away. Almost as if something was stopping me. I wonder if my mum was stopping me from the pain of seeing her? I dont normally believe in these sort of things but you may be right.
My mum knew me more than anyone and would know how hard I would have found saying goodbye.

Hi tenerifetoes,
It doesnt get better does it? Sometimes I think the pain is getting worse but it’s just because it’s so long since I’ve now seen her.
Thinking of you x

Just so hard - I had been drinking too much and blocking it out - now I’ve stopped I feel like it’s hit me. Every night I want to dream about her because I miss her so much. Last night I dreamt she had recovered and I was cuddling her. All these memories and regrets of how things might have been different, her last few years were stressful and sad because she lost her daughter/my sister :cry::cry:

If you reverse the situation then you realise that love conquers pain and suffering. My dad knew I could not bear to see his suffering and he passed 5 hrs after I saw him in hospital. I believe he chose that as I would not have been capable of handling it. Also how could they face their final goodbye to us? Sometimes things work out in a way that we may never understand because it was right for all concerned. If you know you are loved then I believe that’s all that matters in this life and there are no need for goodbyes because nothing is final between you

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