My son, 33, took his own life by in April this year. I found him. It was the worst thing I have ever had to live through. He was in his garage, in the dark. The shock when I switched the light on and saw him there, dead, in front of my eyes, is impossible to describe. I cannot get that image out of my mind. It haunts me constantly. Because of covid, we couldn’t see him at the mortuary and had to wait 16 days before they released his body. I just needed to see him look peaceful and not how he looked when I found him. Seeing him in the chapel of rest was awful. My son, my beautiful boy, lifeless and cold. He didn’t drink or do drugs. He was sensitive and kind. He died of a broken heart that caused him to lose hope and ultimately end his life. He left 2 children behind and all his family, that loved him so much. I love him unconditionally and have loved him since before he was born. I know I will never get over this. I miss him so much and just can’t stop thinking about what he did, how he did it, what he must have gone through. It is a feeling beyond words. I have PTSD and have not been back to work since that night.
I’m not sure how to carry on. I don’t really want to, but I have two other sons, my grandchildren and a lovely family. I have to be strong for them. I pretend I’m better than I really am. I am destroyed. I don’t know how to keep going, but I keep waking up each day. I have to take zopiclone to get to sleep because my mind never switches off from the thoughts of him and the way he died.
I think I’m going crazy, I have no motivation to do anything. I got a rescue dog to make me go out and to force me to get out of bed. He is a good companion, but I still find it hard to force myself to get up and take him out etc. How do we get through this pain and even start to think about having a life again? I can’t see it is possible. I’m going to my first support group with SOBS next week. I’m waiting for therapy for the PTSD, a 9 month waiting list.
Has anyone else been through this type of traumatic bereavement and found their child dead after taking their own life? How do you get through each day and get the thoughts out of your head? I’ve even become obsessed with researching and what it feels like, how it works etc. That in itself does not help me, but I can’t help trying to know more. His inquest is on the 1st of September. I’ve just ordered his headstone…none of it seems real or even possible. I thought I’d have him till the end of my days. It’s all so wrong. My heart will never mend.
Dear Karen.
I have not experienced what you have (I am on here after the death of my husband) so nothing I can say is likely to help you. But I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and tell you that I feel so sad for you. Please allow yourself to grieve. This Is not something that you can just ‘get over’ and please ignore anyone who thinks you should.
Anyway, my thoughts are with you and I hope you find the strength to carry on, if only in memory of your beloved son.
Dear Karen,
You poor poor soul, my heart aches for you, I am so very sorry that you are going through so much torment. It must be horrendous for you. I am so sorry,
Love,
MaryL
Dear Karen,
I’m so so very very sorry for your loss, no wonder you are devastated. My husband passed away from cancer 3 weeks ago & I joined this site as I’m so utterly heartbroken. I cry all the time & feel as though half of me passed with him. So although I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through I do know how empty you feel & how you struggle to get up & go on. I feel the same, I only continue to exist for the sake of my sons.
My husbands closest friends brother in law also ended his life & I know how hard it was for his parents to cope , his father found him too. It’s been really hard for them so I can sympathise with you.
Love & a virtual hug.
Kg.
There are many people on here with sad stories but I think yours is one of the hardest to bear that I have read on here. You have been affected three times over by this death. For anyone it is difficult if a child dies before us but most people who experience this it is because of illness or accidents. Yours is a very different situation. My older cousin was in a similar situation to you. Her son didn’t commit suicide but it was like he did in a way because he chose to take drugs (ecstacy) at a party wtih some friends. He was super fit, had a job a fiance and a child, he wasn’t a big drinker but did like to take party drugs on occasion (not a drug addict though there is a differece) . It was a culture thing. Anyway this time the drugs wheren’t the actual ecstacy but some fake ecstacy or something and he died and his friends where critical in hospital. She too had another son. And she too was prescribed tablets from the doctor for a time she seems back to normal on the surface living for her remaining family and she has a good one. But underneath I don’t think she will ever be the same again. And I think it is even harder for you because you found him. I am so sorry for your loss I hope the SOBs group will be able to help you. I also think it may help you to phone the samaratins. They deal with people who try to commit suicide and are looking to help them. Maybe they can help you with counselling for you. Help you to understand they have a lot of experience in this area and maybe they can offer some advise. I only wish someone could help ease your pain a little . I have been thinking a lot of you ever since I read your post. I do feel though that you have written your post very eloquently and with a good clear mind. I think this means that you are really brave and handling things better than you think you are. I hope the dog helps they have a lot of love to give. Take care
Thank you so much for your message. Yesterday I received the bundle of evidence for my sons inquest. It contained the paramedic details and post mortem, which was non invasive, as I asked. I didn’t want him to be cut up. It was hard to read and it brought the whole night back as if it was yesterday. I know I’m never going to get over this. I learned that my son was 1.8 metres tall, weighed 74kgg and had a BMI of 22.5. A fit and healthy young man. I’ve lost a beautiful soul and it does hurt so much every day. I often think about how I can end my own life, just to be with him, but my family mean so much, I can’t do that. I feel torn between living and being with my boy for eternity. I really appreciate your message, it means a lot to me, it really does. God bless you and thank you xxx
Dear Karen,
I am still thinking of you. One thing is that after any close significant death whether it be a husband a child or a parent. You do feel very empty and don’t feel there is a reason to go on. This is perfectly natural even more so in your case but this feeling will pass and that emotion is only temporary even if it doesn’t feel like it just now. All you have to do is to keep reminding yourself of reasons to go on whether it is a silly reason or a major one. Like your kids and grandkids would miss out on having such an amazing gran. And who will be there to help your sons children, who will be there to tell them about their dad to explain about the happy times, and that he wasn’t well and it was an aberration but that he didn’t love them any less and it wasn’t their fault. Someday when it is easier for you to bear it will be your time to support them comfort them and help them understand something that you can’t understand. Something simple like the view of a beautiful place or who would care for your dog if you weren’t here.
The hardest thing for you is the memory of finding him and right now it is so very very raw. It will never go away and you will never forget but other memories will become more prominent over time and this will make things a bit easier for you to bear. The only thing you can do is every time you do remember try to train your brain to bring into focus a better memory of your son, it won’t be easy but some counsellors and hypnotherapists trained in this may be able to help you. I am sorry that there is such a long waiting list for the PTSD counselling as I think you need some more help now.
Don’t feel you have to be strong for your family as they will also probably be trying to do this for you. It really isn’t a good idea. Because instead of support you end up closing yourself off and distancing yourselfs from each other. You need to give yourselves time to talk and hug this out together even if you have a group grief support meeting. The only ones you have to strong in front of is the grandchildren. Just say grannnys sad just now. They prob say why and just say because your dad/uncle died, they don’t need to know more. Just maybe a hug would help. Kids love that. Or it might let them say me too and confide in you.
Talk to your dog. Go into the wilds or to the sea when no one is about and scream and shout if you feel angry its a good way to release it. If you do feel angry take up boxing exercise sometimes you just need to punch a bag. Every new date will make it raw again. You don’t say if you have a husband or partner to support you at this time my cousin was a single parent so that made it even more difficult but she had amazing brothers and sisters.
Work will be too hard for you for a long time. It isn’t just facing the work itself but it is facing the people you work with, your colleagues and depending on your job customers and clients. Don’t worry about it just now the doctor will give you a sick line. Depending on your job situation you may never feel able to do that type of job anymore and you may have to change jobs. On the other hand it may give you something to live for if you have supportive bosses and supportive colleagues. If this is the case then you can it slowly and ease into it when you are ready. You might need to be the one to be proactive because some people who you thought of as friends may shy away from you, they may want to be there for you but they don’t know what to say or how to react. It is a very hard situation and my heart goes out to you. I truely hope that you have some good supportive people in your real life looking out for you.
Keep taking the dog out I know its hard but they are a really good listener no matter what you have to say. And they will always give you a cuddle. Not only that but the exercise will do you good no matter how difficult it is mentally to get started. And finally a dog enables you to get talking to friendly strangers and sometimes strangers are easier to deal with than friends and a kind word out the blue can do wonders on your darkest day.
Try to get a buddy at this sobs group if they do that, someone that you can keep in touch with because these people are the only people who can truly understand what you are going through. Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of another. When things used to get bad for me when I was physically ill at work I used to think of the prisoners of war in burma and other places who built bridges and were marched on long walks. I wondered how they could possibly do it how they managed to go on. And I thought if they could they so could I, I could put one foot in front of another and so i did. Somretimes reading about others strength in the face of adversity gives us strength and courage to go on. My heart goes out to you.
KarenM do you feel like posting a photo of your beautiful son?
I would love to see it. No pressure though, you may not be up to it. Love, MaryL
Thank you to everyone for your messages. They have brought me comfort and Meebee, your advice is very good. Are you a counsellor? You have a very empathetic way of speaking and I am grateful to everyone who has replied to my post.
Dear Karen
Thank you for sharing your lovely family photos. I am not a counsellor although I did used to have empathic abilities (another thread). I am glad to be able to have helped you a little in your time of grief, I only wish there was more I could do and I am still thinking of you. Take care of yourself.
Meebee
My ex husband has a photo album on Facebook where his family and friends have added photos and videos. Here is the link. I’m not sure it will work, I’m not so great at all this sort of thing! My son was so loved, his loss has made such an impact on the family. I know I am suffering more than anyone, I am his mum x
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10158171483759105&type=3
Thank you, Karen, 
Dean has such a lovely smile. 
my son took his life to 24th september last year he was 32 - he had been suffering with depression for 6 months and we didnt no i hadnt spoke to him for two years because of his girlfriend he was with she has 3 boys with diffrent partners my son was a kind and caring person he had been with this girl for 3 years he was bessoted with her she manipulated him kept him away from his friends and family i dont want to be here to be honest but i have to for my husband and my seven other sons the pain of losing him is unbearable i feel so lost so yes i do no how you feel and am sorry for your loss and what you have been through
Dear Jacky
I’m so sorry that you lost your precious son in such an awful way. It’s so sad when they get into relationships that are so unhealthy. I feel your pain, I couldn’t imagine not seeing my sons for two years because of a girlfriend. I have to say I hate my sons ex, because she is the reason he died. I’m trying to forgive, because I know it wasn’t her fault really, she broke his heart and he couldn’t cope with it. She didn’t literally kill him, but I wish he had never met her.
Take care and I know how hard it is to carry on, but like you said, we have to be strong for our other sons. Xx
My son did the same in July every day I blame my self what could have I done I really don’t know my self how to go on I lost my daughter when she was 8 she got knocked down by a car then I lost my sister brain hemorrhage some one killed my brother my partner drowned in the sea my best friend committed suicide the only reason I don’t end my life I have a son and daughter if I took my life how we feel what would our family we have left feel
Gail,
You poor poor soul, to suffer such tragedies in your life is horrendous.
My thoughts are with you and my heart is aching for you.
Love,
MaryL
Hi gail1,
I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Along with all the other loss, it sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
You might want to contact SOBS – Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – http://uk-sobs.org.uk/ 0300 111 5065 for help, advice and support.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.
You deserve care and support so please, Gail, get in touch with one of these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Mick
Online Community team
Thank you for your kind words gsil
Dear Karen,
So so hard for you and I am so sorry you are having to go through the loss of your precious son.
I lost my beautiful daughter when she took her own life 2 years ago. The shock is unbearable. She had sent an email saying goodbye and I was with the policemen trying to find her. I knew where she would be and begged them to let me help stay and help but I was not allowed to be there when they finally found her and was escorted back to her house… She was found by sniffer dogs and the helicopter.
My daughter also has two children.
Be kind to yourself. There will be times when you just want to scream. There were times when I thought I was going mad and to be honest if it wasn’t for her boys, I don’t think I would be here now. It’s like baby steps at the beginning, just do what you can to get through a day at a time.
I love Gemma so much and am completely heartbroken. But I do cope better now after 2 years even though I still have bad days. We have Gemma’s dog and he has been amazing. I love to walk him in the woods and I talk to him about Gemma.
You have done so well … be proud of yourself and keep posting here because everyone is so caring and understanding. Sending you lots of love xxx