Hello to all of you on this thread. It is very early days for each of you and I am so sorry that you have experienced such loss and pain. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better and I won’t trot out the usual clichés and hopeful quotes (although they can help at times) but time does diminish the rawness of grief. Two years on I have developed my own coping strategies and the really bad days are not as frequent .I have learned to accept them when they happen and sit tight until I feel better. Life is not wonderful but there are moments of peace and joy which keep me going and remind me that “it ever was thus”… those of us left behind can find strength in knowing that our loved ones will never suffer again…we can go on with their love within us rather than their physical presence beside us…it is never easy but it can be achieved.
Please try to look after yourselves…listen to your body and do only what you feel able…there are no rights or wrongs…somehow each one of you will find strength that you never knew you had. Take care X
Thank you for your kind words of support they do mean a lot. I just never expected to feel so panicky and whenever I have spoken to anyone before my bereavement I had never heard anyone mention it before! So this feeling has come as a shock to me because I am not a nervous, panicky person but now it’s all I seem to feel and it’s awful;( I just cannot accept that I will never see my wonderful husband again xx
Hi Amelie’s nan,
Thank you for your kind positive words. It does help to read that there is hope !
Thank you
Lesley x
Hi all I am on another thread but have been reading yours … I’m so sorry for all your loses … my husband died just 10 days ago at the age of 36 leaving me and my 4 and 5 year old … I agree with what u all say nobody understands… the raw pain the longing the loneliness and I’m only ten days in … the funeral is not for two weeks because of n inquest . I feel like I’m just existing… they tell me I’m young I’ll move on … i don’t want to move on I want my husband of ten years back . My babies daddy … there trying to find me a new home S I’m staying with my sister I’m terrified to go back to our house … I wish I could just sit and talk to someone who feels the same . What scares me the most is that my husband often worked away 2/3 weeks at a time … I’m scared that my head is thinking that he’s just away … and when the funeral comes I’ll be crushed again … I didn’t get chance to say goodbye I was rushed to the hospital only to be taken to a room to be told I was to late … any advice or support from people who understand would really help xx
Hi Michelleb
I just had to write. My beautiful wife died 7 months ago. I remember so well the immediate afterwards. Feeling like half of my very soul had been ripped out and brutally killed. Moving on is NOT something I can identify with. Every day I feel the loss but I do think I am starting to live along side that. The day of the funeral will be so hard. What lies ahead will be hard, I am not going to pretend or try and kid you otherwise. I have found family and friends & work colleagues a great support, and also (&I cant understand why but who cares) this community. I found it and still do find it very important to talk about Janet. I too dreaded being at home alone, but in the event it was actually ok: I have found our home is still home: there is so much of her, us, in it. This may not be the same for you & if it isn’t that is how you feel. Thats fine. We have to find our own way. I have pictures of her everywhere; she’s smiling in every one; even at first it was so difficult not to smile back (that may sound odd, and I felt so guilty, but its the truth). Of course I cried. Buckets. I still do. Sounds like you have 2 wonderful children though and I would imagine that they will be an overwhelming motivation and inspiration.
10 days is no time at all. I think be truthful to yourself. Put yourself first. Cry when where and when and as much as you want to or need to. (there are times when I thought Id never stop). Do what you can (or want to) when you can. Don’t be told by others. Do be gentle with yourself.
I know there is nothing I can say to make it any easier. I hope this website helps you.
Please , Take care of yourself.
Oh Michelle first of all please accept my heartfelt sympathy and all my love on your sad loss. Some of your situation is similar to mine I lost my husband of almost ten years on the 30th April he was my best friend and soulmate and like you, most days I feel like I’m just existing. I’m having to move also because of financial reasons and I feel lost and insecure as a child again. Iwas dreading the funeral but thankfully the love from all our friends and family carried me and now I dont remember much of it to be truthfull. Reach out to them and let yourself rest in their love. No one can advise you on what to do, we all react differently to loss but what’s helped me is walking (especially in nature). Try to ge an hour to yourself and walk. Talk to him as you go and tell him aloud everything you would love to say if he were with you. This really helped me I didnt care what passers by thought and it would help me to cry in the early days when I was in complete shock. Secondly try being mindful. Even now if I let my mind even start to stray into the future I start to panic so mindfullness really brings me peace. There are some great phone apps like calm which can help you with that. Thirdly my husband and I met later in life I’m 58 and he was 63 when he died and we often said how we regretted not having children, however emotionally I bet having children at this time could be a double edged sword. All I can say is love is the answer here again. Put all your energy and love into them for you and your husband. I don’t know how old they are but try to create little rituals and remembrance excercises you can do together like making memory boxes or scrapbooks. Giving to them will help you heal I’m sure. Most if all be kind to yourself and take time out for a massage or alternative healing. Ifyou have a local hospice like mine, they often offer therapies even if your loved one didn’t die with them. God bless you and your children and I’m prayingthat together you will find the courage to move forward and the peace that comes with acceptance and healing. All my love. Karen xx
Hi Karen thank u so much for your reply … it really touched me i completely felt the genuine live and support in your message … funeral still not for another week . Tonight I sat with my little ones I ate a big meal for the first time . And I even laughed and chatted … I’m sat here now with immense guilt that I have not laid him to rest yet and I was being normal … I hope I forgive my self for that. I think I was just so tired of crying … and also started to feel some of the anger that he had left us behind and didn’t get help for his problems … I’ll never understand… I truly do find comfort in people that understand and have lived through it . I can’t thank u enough for ur kind words … my little ones are 4 and 5 they said that it’s not fair that they have no daddy . There right . I’m so scared of the future x
You’re so welcome Michelle. Never feel guilty for your feelings there is a fine line between grief and laughter sometimes its just the way we need to express ourselves and thats ok. Ive been elated at times then desolate the next minute like I’ve developed bi polar almost. Your kids still have a dad and you still have your husband just not in thecway you would have hoped for but the love you sharedand the affect he had on your lives doesn’t endwith physical death. Youre lives hearts and yes even souls if you believe inthose things are forever changed for the better because of the love you shared. Try to be grateful for that and to enjoy everymoment you and your children share together bevause you are experiencing it for him too. Xxx