I’m New Here

Hello all, I’ve recently discovered this site and I’ve been reading some of the posts and responses. I’ve not really used forums before but reading through I’ve found it enlightening because so many people are saying what I feel.
My darling husband of 36 years passed away Nov 2023 with Leukaemia (he was previously a fit and healthy 74 year old). I’m quite an emotionally strong person and have been quite determined to push through but I’ve been worse this last few weeks than I was at the beginning. And today I’ve read lots of people saying the same. That whole thing of putting on a brave face and responding with “yeah, I’m ok” when asked and yet inside I want to scream and rage that no, I’m not ok. I feel like my insides have been ripped out, I’m angry that my lovely, kind and clever husband is gone when so many bad people are still walking around - you know what I’m saying don’t you! I hate being in my house by myself, I miss chatting about nothing and laughing at things only we understood, I despise that space in the bed. I just miss him so much. All the things that everyone feels and says. And yet - I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I have friends who are now some years into losing a partner and are now doing better and have managed to live a life around their grief. That gives me hope that eventually I’ll get there too.
Six months in I’m in no position to give advice except to say we have to keep on keeping on and pushing through. When faced with a massive life event or problem I like to think of this - how do you eat an elephant? One teaspoonful at a time. That’s a daft analogy but you get the drift.
I’ve sort of been ok this last week, but I know it’ll all hit me again at some point.
Anyway, just wanted to share. :blue_heart:

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Thank you for sharing

Rose x

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I lost my husband in October 2023 and I totally empathise with all your comments. I can manage reasonably well in the week if I am kept busy but weekends are a challenge if I don’t have anything to do. Although it is a lovely day today I don’t want to go out and see lots of couples when I am on my own. Hopefully I will get over that at some point :broken_heart:

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I lost my husband October 2023 too I can’t believe we’re in June now doesn’t feel like it feels like it was only yesterday the policewoman knocked on my door took everything from me I kept telling her she had it wrong tried to call him over and over and no answer, I can’t be me without him it was us and we now it’s I just me no us anymore. I have 4 kids and 5 grandkids but it’s not the same my daughter had her baby 2 weeks after losing her dad I was her birthing partner and I don’t know how I managed to do it but I had to for her we are such a close family just always that empty chair where my darling husband should be…

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@Kate222
Thank you for sharing your story & so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Wife of 31 years Anna at the start of November last year following a long battle with Cancer, she was only 51 years old. She put up the most courageous fight over those 16 months since she was first diagnosed but the harsh treatment she received made her weaker & weaker & in the end it overwhelmed her.
I am still so broken hearted that she had to endure what she went through & my life will never be the same again without her. I miss her so much everyday & although it’s now 6 months on i feel exactly as you have described, like my whole insides have been ripped out, i too am angry that my beautiful Wife Anna has gone & I’ll never see her again when there are so many bad people left walking around in the world.
We have 2 amazing grown up children & 2 gorgeous Granddaughters that i absolutely adore, my Son & Daughter have been amazingly supportive in the time since their Mom passed away & i honestly don’t know what I’d have done without them.
I have faced some very challenging times since my Wife passed, mostly related to the anger i was left with as a result of the way her parents and 2 brothers treated her during her illness, they basically turned their backs on her & never made any attempts to visit her in her final months, all the more annoying when you take into account that they live less than 100 yards away from our home.
The look of disappointment on my Wife’s face during every visiting hours at the Hospital, her hoping that they would come to see her, that will never leave me. At one stage she knew that i was so enraged by their behaviour that she made me promise not to say anything to them so reluctantly i agreed. To this day I’ve not broken my promise to her although I’ve wanted to on many occasions.
I somehow manage to get through each day by keeping myself busy but it’s the loneliness that makes everything ten times more difficult. We never spent a day apart in 31 years & now she’s gone i am completely lost, i feel i have nothing to look forward to & honestly can’t take this being my life for the rest of my days. I do have some better days than others but when the dark clouds decend i just want my life to end so i can be with my Anna again for the rest of eternity.
Take care of yourself
Derek x❤️

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@VillaBoy22 . Hi Derek, firstly, I’m sorry for the passing of your darling wife - it’s so bloody hard isn’t it.
Your story resonates because my husbands family did the same with him. They rarely contacted him to see how he was and yet my family were in constant contact with him. His older sister complained we’d hardly been to see her!!
Like you, I’ve held my tongue but really, I don’t have much to do with them any more. My family were his family.
Take comfort from your children and grandchildren - you’re lucky in that respect. I have three adult children but no grandkids as yet.
Seeing what I see in my friends whose partners passed away a few years ago, and seeing how they’ve progressed into a more ‘normal’ life (I use that word guardedly), it keeps me going.
Sending you good wishes for some light in your life
Regards. K

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Hi @Kate222 we all know and understand what you are saying. You can let your feelings out here. I don’t like being in the house on my own either. Like you, I miss all those things we used to share with our partners. No one to do nothing with, the private jokes etc. There will always be someone to talk to on here. Anytime.x

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Hi Kate

Sorry to hear of your loss. The only people that get what we are all going through are on here.
As for brave facing this stuff with others I don’t. If they ask I tell them how I feel. You don’t need to dwell on it but tell them how it’s is . if not they will think you are ok
Thankfully like you I’m strong emotionally and can function at work and going out. However it’s when we get behind closed doors and the distractions are gone it hits .
We have no resting state because after the distractions go we are left with our thoughts and they rush in to consume us. We loose them on a daily basis as that thought comes back again and we realise they aren’t here. It’s not a one off event it’s a daily one.

Take care x

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Hi Derek It was so sad reading your post. I’m sorry your lovely wife Anna has died. I know those feelings of not wanting to be here but we have to carry on for our loved ones. It’s very hard and I struggle every day but I know it would destroy my children and grandchild if anything was to happen to me. So I get up each day and try my best. I have just come in from doing some work in the garden. It was hard but I’m glad I did it. It hurts being out there as it was my husband’s pride and joy. He spent endless hours out there. I still can’t sit in the garden as it upsets me too much. Don’t think I will ever be able to. You take care.x

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That is so so true " we do loose them all over again on a daily basis". Every time i see a reminder or think of something we were going to do in rolls the terror and sadness.
Yesterday I went to get something from the loft and saw our picnic basket, David had already suggested weeks ago that this summer was going to be the summer of themed picnics and we would take it in turns to create a themed picnic. What lovely ideas he had…of course I was in bits again after seeing the basket. People on here will understand that but others would think I was daft to get upset. Everyday there are similar occurrences.

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We had talked about what we would do when the better weather came.

It’s here now and he is not.

He was so looking forward to sunny weather and going to different places.

Rose xx

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@Kate222
Thank you so much for your reply.
Yes you are so right, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, the rest of my days without the Love of my life. We met in our early twenties & from the moment we first spoke to each other i knew that she was the one for me.
We made so many amazing memories over our 31 years together & I’m thankful that i have those to hold onto but also can’t help feeling angry that i have been robbed of another 20 or 30 years of happiness.
We both loved to travel and had made so many plans for where we were going to go over the coming years, unfortunately that never came to pass & i don’t think I’d ever want to undertake those experiences without her.
I’ve not seen, heard or spoken to any of her family since the day of the Funeral, nor do i wish to, her Dad even had the audacity to contact my Daughter & mention to her that he would at some stage like some of my Anna’s ashes to get an item of jewellery made for her Mom, of course my answer to that is un - repeatable. Funny how he never had it in him to ask me directly, my guess is that he knew what my reaction would be.
I unfortunately don’t know anyone in similar circumstances to myself so have nothing to compare against, I’m just doing my level best to get through each day one day at a time which at times is immensely difficult but i keep myself going for now & hopefully things will improve over time.
Take care & be kind to yourself xx

Derek :heart:

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Triggers Penny. Everywhere. That’s what I mean when I say we have no resting state.
I have problems with sunny days as we were so lucky with our trips in this country always being sunny so it’s another reminder.
I often break down in the car as the memories just flood in of her being next to me.
Here there and everywhere to use the Beatles song title they never leave us just teased by their memories.
Of course we think of our loss but it’s their loss too because they can’t. be with us . They didn’t want to go and we didn’t want them to go.

A friend kindly asked if there was anything they could do I said unless you can raise the dead or move me closer to her no but I appreciate the offer.
I often say to friends I don’t want to be here there no point.
I never dwell on the comments or the those dark thoughts but it’s how I feel and a lot of us feel those thoughts on here.
I always qualify. my comments to friends saying I’m not looking at train timetables though. It’ relives the shock they get from he comment. As
for time heals I think we just get used to the pain it’s not the same thing x

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Your story resonated with me. I have caught myself looking at people and thinking it should be them and not my wife whos gone.
I know thats a terrible thing to think but i have.
We hadnt seen my wife’s family in donkey’s years after a family set- to. I didnt even let any of them know my wife was gone. They didnt deserve her and by the sound of things, neither did your wife’s family. It will be easy to turn your back on them now
Our family was our children and they’ve been great.
Life has to go on though

@Plantman
Thank you for your message & very sorry for your loss.
Yes you are so right in saying they didn’t deserve her & they now have to live with the guilt of the way they treated her, being a big believer in karma i know that in some way further down the line what they did will be visited back on them ten fold & so it should be, how any Parent could treat their own flesh and blood like that is beyond me.
I have no problem at all in turning my back on them going forward, they cared not a jot for my Wife or her feelings, i was only their Son in Law, they couldn’t care less about me or how I’ve been managing since my Wife passed, amazingly they even jetted off on holiday the day after the Funeral & were very concerned when i was making the arrangements that the Funeral was going to clash with their holiday, what goes through the minds of some people is a complete mystery to me.
I’m glad to hear you have amazing children who you can turn to, i too have a wonderful Son and Daughter who have been immensely supportive since they lost their Mom, we try to see each other as often as we can & speak daily on Facetime calls, i honestly don’t know how I’d have managed without them.
Take care of yourself,
Sending you Love and Strength,

Derek x :heart:

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3 months in and i agree with every word you say. I have a lot of support and its great! But it changes nothing! I can still feel lonely with them sat right next to me! I can’t list all the things i have lost i would be writing this all night!

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Mine is different in that it was my nephew who died in December (suddenly and unexpectedly aged 32) but so much of your post resonates with me.
The anger, the pointlessness, the depth of feeling 6 months on….

Have you come across Donald Hall’s ‘Distressed Haiku’?

You think that their
dying is the worst
thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.

That’s it for me I think; you get through a day have a laugh maybe, enjoy a walk, but it’s always there even if people stop asking how you’re doing.
Thanks for the elephant analogy; I’ll remember that!
I wish you a warm, sunny day and some happy memories x

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@Lionel_Mushroom thank you for that haiku. I have not seen or read that before but it sums up just about everything, so again thank you…Pete

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I needed to go shopping today. I didnt want to. I had no choice though as i have been putting it off and i had very little in.
A friend said to me “he will be walking along side you. As he always was” I smiled and carried on my journey. I wanted to say “That the whole point is that he is not. When im walking his hand is not there to hold. When i stumble his hand isn’t there to catch my elbow. When i struggle his hand isnt there to help me! He isn’t there.” I hope one day i will feel like he is but all i feel is an empty space where he should be! I think of all the things we have done and it just serves to remind me of what i have lost!!! You cant say these things to friends and family. You know that it will become tedious for them after a while, having to listen to you feeling sorry for yourself. Its deeper than that. I have lived with him since i was 18. Im now 68. I cannot see this feeling of losing him to ever go away.

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Dear @Patty1 ,

Shopping without my husband has been difficult.

The first couple of times, I went to a shop we didn’t use. Whilst it was lonely, I didn’t have to deal with the memories of being in a familiar shop with him.

The first time I used other shops we had used I had the memories of being with him.

The other day I went for the first time to a shop we would use but with a friend. That was easier.

I totally understand. So many of us will be thinking of you.

Sending a big hug,

Rose xx

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