Hi
I have just found this forum and am really thankful that I have.
I lost my lovely husband in February and am finding it a real struggle.
I’ve joined a pottery class and a friendship group with the U3A, even booked a holiday on my own with Saga. I keep myself busy as it seems to help, well for that moment in time anyway. My friends think I’m doing really well and getting on with life but they really have no idea. I feel like I’m in a constant panic and have a physical pain in my chest…I know now what heartache means! I feel close to tears nearly all of the time.
Having cared for my husband 24/7 I feel the loss of him so deeply. I know it is still early days in my loss but I don’t see how it will ever be any easier, he was my best friend and I love him still so very much.
Oh PamW,
I wish I could take your pain away. It’s so hard isn’t it? Epecially when you have looked after someone and that care need ends. You have not only lost your lovely husband but also the carers role you had and that also is a secondary loss. Your friends only see the outside but not the inside of you. As you say, the physical pain and the heartache. They mean well but they just don’t understand. My husband died in February also so I understand what you are saying. An acquaintance of mine said to me earlier today it will get easier and it will change. She has been on her own now for several years and it has taken time for her. But she can go places and do things now and enjoy herself. Who knows we are all different. Some can some can’t. I wish you well and send you strength and love.X
Hi to you both, I lost my partner 18 months ago, and was his carer for three years, I also lost my son 19 years ago, and know that grief takes time, at first I had that dull ache around my heart, a feeling of panic, an unbearable loneliness, but that eases each day a little, I Miss Richard so much, so much I still want to chat to him about, moments I want to share with him, laugh with him, but I can’t, I still chat sometimes, maybe they hear us, but I know it all takes time, it’s the price we pay for love, sometimes it’s just taking an hour at a time, maybe a day, I wish you both well on your path, it’s different for us all, but I know having lost Stephen 19 years ago, it does become bearable, to know love is to be blessed, take care x
Thanks Caz
I talk to my lovely Martyn a lot…lucky I live on my own!
I think you’re right, the pain we feel is the price we pay for loving someone so much.
Thanks Loobyloo2
You’re right friends sometimes only see what is easier to see, I don’t really blame them.
I think you get quite good at putting on a brave face. I can become the chatty jokey person I used to be but it’s just a facade and it becomes quite an effort.
My lovely Martyn had Alzheimer’s, I cared for him to. A lesser then greater degree for about 5 years but I had probably ‘lost’ him 2 years ago. A dreadful disease which leaves you feeling helpless because there is nothing you can do to stop it from slowly eroding the loving person that was once there, luckily he retained his gentle manner to the end. Given the chance, I would do it all again.
Yes in a heartbeat.X
Hello all, I’m just at the very beginning of this painful time, I lost my partner 2 weeks ago to a cardiac arrest, my whole world has been turned upside down. I don’t know what I will do without him
Sam
Xx
I know how you feel it’s like my whole world has stopped without my Michael I lost him 8 months ago suddenly aged 53 he was my childhood sweetheart 40 years together I don’t know how much more of the pain I can take I hope I get to be with him soon he was my soulmate my best friend my love I miss everything about him especially his voice and his big smile
Debby56
I’m so sorry, I wish I could take all our pain away, I know that’s impossible. I just don’t see or want a way forward without him. I won’t live without him only exist in this lonely world.
I have no words my body aches. I’ve never felt pain like this 
I really wish there was a way to no feel pain as it’s breaking my heart bit by bit I long for the day I can hold him again so sorry for your loss
It’s crippling me
Hi PamW,
I felt a real validation and a relief to hear you talk about the pain in y0ur chest. I have that heartache too - it is there in the background all day but really grips me when i wake up in the morning. The physical pain of missing my precious husband keeps tears in my eyes too. It only takes a small thing that spaks a memory to set loose a tsunami. The sress of going through a medical enquiry into his death adds another layer of trauma and brings back to horror that we went through in the 3 months up to his death. The only way through grief is to grieve - why do others have to minimise that!!
Another night with my sleepless Brain . …
And a long post .
“ Last night , after spending hours on the dance floor , and lots of wine been drank ,
My body should have yearned for sleep but after turning over for the tenth time my heart sank .
At three am ,I finally succumbed to sleep ,
But at 4.30 am I woke with a start , my somnolence yearning for my sleep to be so very very deep .
At 6.15 am I awoke again ,my mind in turmoil, hearing Tasha getting up for work , with such a sad sad feeling ,
Then realised that the space next to me was empty and my love had gone , which broke my heart again and left me reeling .”
I have come to the conclusion that although my waking conscious mind knows that Mandy had gone ,
My unconscious mind does not , moreover I believe that my unconscious mind exists still in the same place ,and with Mandy together.
So the two will never be reconciled or exist in any equalibrium which probably explains my sometimes barmy behaviour and why my mind is in total flux most of the time .
I don’t think there has ever been enough research gone into the theory why so Many bereaved partners/husband’s /wives struggles to sleep and it can’t be explained by simply saying it’s “grief “ .
Scientists cannot even explain what or where the unconscious mind is .
I have tried counselling, antidepressants etc and nothing has made any difference to the way I feel right now or ever will.
But belonging to support groups HAS made me realise that I am no different to others in my position of complete and utter loss . Even 5 years later they feel as I do .
So I have no real hope of living even a part normal life anymore,I just try to get through each day .
Please understand my friends ,
I’m not posting this to in any way garner pity from anyone, or to seek attention , just to let my family and friends know that the happy person I was , has gone for good , so if I’m sad , or short tempered with you or not “ with it “just spare a thought for the maelstrom going in inside my poor brain …which sometimes feels like it will explode.
I would sum it up thus :
“ I used to feel I was just forgetful, then
I thought I was “absent minded “ ,now I know that I’m just
“Absent “ !! .!!
"the only way through grief is to grieve " simple and elegant, beautifully put.
Nigel
xx
Hi Sam I so feel for you, I lost my beloved husband less than a week ago, I can’t believe it. He had a collapse and I had to attempt CPR. I feel so lost and bewildered, he was my rock, my stability, lover, friend and soul mate.
I have great support at the moment but know this may dwindle over time. I have siblings but they have children as family units. Having not had children makes me feel so alone and isolated. I am grateful I have had 14 years of love and affection, but it seems so unfair it has been taken away.
I wish you love and understanding Minnie
Hi minnielmber
Like you I exist
Like you we didn’t have any children…… would that of made it any easier I don’t know
Yes family but they have their family units
Paul and I had our unit us
Yes friends will wain and in my case have done but I’m left with several excellent friends and an excellent sister in law who look out for me
But……. They aren’t ( and can’t be there 24/7) like what our soulmates were( sorry really bad English!)
I miss that
The chats ,the looks ,the silence ,the knowing what each other is thinking, the conversation at the end of the day, the going out together…… the everything
That’s all gone replaced by an alone, empty deep heartache and yes floods of tears
I’m having councilling no magic wand but she’s gently encouraging me to think positive and embrace my support
Odd days yes others no
Maybe I just feel sorry for myself
And yes yearn to wind the clock back …… I do wish I could for all of us
My counsellor also says don’t say your ok say you are finding it difficult
I do that but folk think cos I’m dressed I’m ok
Far from it as we all know
Hugs to everyone
Life’s just shit
Xx
Will we ever accept it
Thankyou Bess1
A week ago tonight my life was perfect….then in the space of a minute it has all changed
Your response was of great comfort …like you I want people, but I want to be on my own
We are waiting a PM, I don’t know when it will be… I am scared … I did my best but could not revive my beloved man …
I think it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, as long as you control it … I am working hard on my 5 senses to try and ground me, but my sadness and bewilderment takes over… when I think of silly things I am in floods of tears …. We used to love to eat out, the thought of never sharing that with my beloved Gavin is unbearable…
I am learning to say “I am ok” but qualify it with “then you know I am not ok” …. It is such early days for me, I am trying to be brave
I have had Gavin’s mother staying, that’s been lovely but you are trying to protect one another … she suffered the lost of his father when he was 54 …. Why oh why is life such shite
Thinking of you
Minnieimber
Hi minnielmber
21 weeks on Sunday since my life ended and as you say it’s shite
My counsellor early on said to me
Yesterday was shit
Tomorrow will be shit
Today won’t be any different
She is so so right………
Like you and meals out I think of holidays …… we had a motorhome
We enjoyed Keswick …. No more Keswick
We enjoyed Devon…. No more Devon
No more driving together sometimes chatting or sometimes just enjoying our own company enjoying the journey
No more of that …. Ever ever again
And that hurts like hell
Stay strong I have no magic wand no magic words
It’s hard bloody hard
But post on here and we’ll listen and respond because like you we are hurting
Like you I would describe myself of existing not living
Just trying to survive each day each hour and yes sometimes each moment
I can’t think of next week I just take it day by day
Take care
Love and hugs
Xx
Loopy loo, what u said is so true, & so lovely the way u put it across.
And nothing & no 1 can take that pain away.