I miss my sister so much

I saw my beloved sister through 14 months of cancer treatment with hope and despair in equal measure. I thought the amount of grief I had felt during that time and having the time to say our goodbyes might make it a little easier to deal with when she died in July. It hasn’t. I can’t believe she is gone. The pain is so raw. My heart aches every day.

Hello Agmo1986, So sorry for your loss. Your post caught my eye. I also lost my beloved sister to cancer a bit over a year on. We were led to believe she would survive (“treatable, not curable”). My sister did well for a year, and then suddenly in one night, took a turn and died in front of me. She was my best friend & soul mate. I have not been the same since.
Your loss is recent and you are probably still in shock and disbelief. A sister shares our life history. To lose a sibling, is to lose a part of ourselves. I would like to hear more about you sister when you are ready. I am here, as one who can relate to the enormity of this loss, and the impact it has on our lives. There are not many on this site who lost a sibling, so I always respond, because I understand how lonely and painful it can be. Take care and post again. Xxx Sister2

Thank you so much for your words. You said to lose a sibling is to lose a part of yourself and that is exactly how it is, so much of me is missing now. Katie was my friend, my go to person, my support and incredibly, she somehow managed to give me the strength to help her through her treatment and last months. The way your sister died so suddenly has had me tears, I am so very sorry, the only consolation is that you were at her side. XX

Hi Agmo1986
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your sister. I lost my brother to cancer in July of this year. He turned 29 the week before he died. I feel as if I am walking around with part of me missing. Being my big brother he was my first and best friend. Trying to hide the pain and heartache from my parents makes this pain so much worse. It was my birthday at the start of the month and not getting the little card he would give me hurts. It feels as though someone is standing on my chest and I’m struggling to breath. I keep thinking tomorrow will be a better day but so far it hasn’t.

To Agmo & Clare, As I read through both of your posts, I think of my sweet Sister. Agmo, my Sister also helped me to stay hopeful & positive through her treatments. We made every day count and never dwelled on the diagnosis. She always said “Do not see me as a cancer patient.” She stayed strong & courageous until the last moment. Agmo, I thank you for your compassion for the way my Sister died so suddenly. No matter how it happens, the result is the same, we are left here without them.
Clare, I relate to birthdays somehow losing meaning without our sibling/best friend to share them with. I also miss her lovely cards, and how we always celebrated our birthdays together. Everything seems to pale, and the world goes dim, without their light. This loss does literally take one’s breath away ( hence the struggle to breathe).
We have in common the loss of our beloved siblings to dreaded cancer. I am further along in the journey, but my grief remains, often surfacing so intensely that it feels like I am thrust back to the beginning. I have suggested this site add a “Sibling Loss” section to the forum. I believe it would attract many others grieving a brother or sister. I hope we can continue to post, and help each other through this nightmare. Take care and know you are not alone. Xxxx Sister2

Sister2, I looked on here for ‘Loss of Sibling’ and almost felt I shouldn’t post because it wasn’t there. I’m so very glad I did and your suggestion to have it added to this site would be an enormous help to others.
Clare, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, I so desperately want to wake up and find this has all been some awful nightmare. It is a consolation to know that you and Sister2 had the same love, bond and friendship with your sibling that I had with Katie and will therefore understand the emptiness that comes with the loss. Shortly before she died Katie told me I had put my life on hold for so long because of her illness and made me promise to move forward. I am trying to do as she asked but, the the strange thing is, I need her here to help me do that.

Agmo-Your words resonated with me. Nothing strange about it. I called out to my beloved Sister so many times to help me through this. I need HER to get me through her loss. She was also my go-to, every day person, and I looked to her to share her wisdom with me. We weathered life’s storms together. Now I am out here alone, being tossed about in the wind.
Your Katie sounds like my Sister, so loving and caring, always thinking of others even as they were facing the fight of their lives. Perhaps they were too good for this world. Xxx

I sometimes wish it had been me that died instead of Katie, then feel guilty for wishing this pain on her instead of myself. We three have all been blessed to have had a sister/brother that was so special in our lives but that makes their loss so much harder to bear. I sat this morning having a coffee in a place we used to go together and so desperately wanted Katie to walk in with her lovely smile on her face. I talk to her all the time, I ask her where she is, am so exhausted with this longing to see her. Sorry if i’m rambling but just can’t get my head together today, XX

-We are all virtual strangers, but everything you say could be me speaking. I also wished it was me who died, but then like you Agmo, I would not have wished this soul crushing grief on my Sister. Nothing (even going for a coffee) will ever be the same without them. No worries, you are not rambling. Vent any time.
You are right, our Sisters & Brothers gave us so much, and losing them took so much away. XXX

Sister2, another lady, Julia, who lost her sister in August, has posted on here today. So much of what she has said could have been written by either of us, it’s so sad. I know we can’t ease each other’s grief but it eases something in me to know that you, and she, had the same connection and deep love for their sibling and so understand the pain of their loss. Katie is in my head all the time, I cry every day, ache to speak to her, to see her face, to laugh with her, but no one around me would know. I don’t feel like me any more and don’t know if I ever will. XX

Thank you Agmo. I saw her sad post and I immediately offered my support. I also related so closely to her words. I understand not feeling like yourself anymore. We lost a part of ourselves when our siblings died. My Sister brought such love, joy and positivity to my life, and I need that now more than ever. I requested a special category once again for those of us grieving a sibling. I received a nice reply that they are considering adding this to the site. I wish you strength Agmo, and everyone experiencing this devastating heartbreak. Xxx Here for you. Sister2

Sister2, some days I just want to go and be with Katie and today is one of those days. I’ve been to work where I get on with things, talk to people, they say my name and recognise me, yet inside I am so empty I don’t recognise myself. I have a wonderful family, great friends who have all been so supportive and kind but I don’t let them know how bad I feel as I don’t want to upset them or make them feel they haven’t done enough when they certainly have. All my life it has been Anne and Kate or Annie and Katie and now it’s just me and I simply don’t know how to be me any more. People say time heals and maybe it does, maybe I will come to accept that Katie is gone, but I know I will never stop missing her and no one else will ever fill the void she left behind. I sometimes wish I hadn’t loved her quite so much, but that would have been impossible. XX

Hi Agmo, I believe we’ve lost our identity when our siblings died. Our siblings were a part of us, and in so many ways defined who we are (were). The only family I have near by is one person, who is not supportive. Some mutual friends of my Sister & I , her colleagues, have been kind and understanding, but I feel I do not want to upset them more since the are mourning my Sister too. Like you & Kate, my Sister and I were a team. We could talk about anything and had our own inside jokes, that no one else was a part of. The day consisted of ongoing texts and calls, more so after her diagnosis. Now I feel I just drift through my days with no connection to any one (although I am surrounded by people at work, I am alone).
You are spot on, that the more we love, the deeper we grieve. When our Mom was dying, my Sister would say, “it hurts to care so much.” XxxSister2

I cried as I read your post, it breaks my heart as I know you miss your sister as much as I miss mine. The daily contact, the trust, the knowledge that someone was always at your side, knew you better than anyone else and loved you unconditionally has been such a privilege to have had in this world of ours. I don’t think I will ever laugh again the way I did with Katie, a look or a raised eyebrow was enough to set us off, we were so connected. Do you believe it will ever get easier? I would love to think I might, some day, get to a place where I don’t cry every day, where memories make me smile, where the void will be a little easier to bear. Do you think that’s possible? Anne XXX

Thank you for your compassion Agmo (Anne). I know you can relate to my pain on a very personal level. Oh yes, the laughter. My Sister & I laughed till we cried. Together, we could be those silly little girls again. I can not be that free and uninhibited with any one else. Like you, my laughter is now superficial and forced. Does it get easier? I am a year and a few months on, and there are many days I feel set back to the day she died. Life has forever changed. We always said she was the beacon of light who guided her friends & family. Her light was extinguished and my world has dimmed. Easier? I think all I can hope for is that the pain will be less searing. I cannot see a future without her in it. Surely you understand. Thinking of you. Sister2 Xxx