i need advice

Im 20, my partner is forever 22. He sadly passed away on the 19th of april this year while away at work. hes due home tomorrow and we’ve been told we can see him in the chapel of rest next week. At first we thought we wouldnt be able to as he was away for two weeks during the time of his post mortem so i came to terms with the fact that i wouldnt he able to see him. I found out today that i can and now i dont know if i’ll be able to cope with it or whether i’d regret it if i didnt. i was just wondering if anyone has any advice or anything because i really dont know what to do


This previous conversation might help you.

My husband suddenly passed away at Christmas. I found him when I got home from work and he was already gone. I did CPR on him and the ambulance worked on him for 45 minutes. He was 53 years old.
I decided to go and see my handsome husband at the funeral parlor because I didn’t get a chance to say all the things I wanted to say to him. I wrote everything down in a letter and brought him a teddy bear with a love heart. I went with a friend who had a look at my husband first and said that it was John. It took me a while to go and see him as crying my eyes out and and felt scared. My friend held my arm and I felt brave enough to see John. It was definitely my husband how I remember him before that awful day. I felt a whooze strangely then felt calm. I gave him his letter and teddy bear. I went twice more. The last time was so so hard. Our son didn’t want to go but I felt I owe it to John. Every one personal choice. Sending lots of hugs xx


My heart breaks for you :broken_heart: I know how tough that decision is.
My OH passed 7 weeks ago and his post mortem took two and a half weeks. It was three weeks later that we got to see him and his face had changed slightly. The top half of his face looked the same but his mouth had drooped a little and his usual smiling mouth looked sad. That day I decided I couldn’t go and see him again but the next day I felt differently and knew I needed to go again. Unfortunately the next time they advised a closed casket only. Things can change so quickly. We still went down with the casket closed and I left a letter and a rose ontop to put in with him.
Despite him looking different I’m glad I went to see him now. I tried not to look at his mouth but I leaned over the coffin with my hand on his stomach and chest and spoke to him and had a cry. I kissed his head. I was gutted that they advised a closed casket the second time because I would have been more prepared for how he looked the second time so I would have been able to look at and touch his face after the initial shock had worn off.
I would say go the first day you can because things change so quickly x

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Hi, I posted this reply on another of the sur community chats don’t know if you have decided to go yet. As everyone has said it’s a personal decision, and what ever you decide is right for you.
I actually went everyday. I read him my speech , played him the music I had chosen for the funeral.
And the lovely funeral home worker actually gave me what turned out to be very sound advice. One day in-between when I was upset at the time till the funeral being so long…she said
“Remember you will never get this time again” that’s what made me go every day after that. It was right for me.
You just get comfort from whatever you decide.
Much love x


Sorry everyone…i tried to copy my reply…but sem to have copied more than I should . I’ll try to delete if I can xx

Oh, looks like it was okay after all.

@caitxo i cant imagine how awful it is to have lost someone you clearly loved at such a young age.

I did go to see Ann just the once at the funeral parlour. Her youngest daughter had been a few days before me and fixed Ann’s hair and makeup and said she had got so much out of it. Particularly how she looked at peace compared to that awful day at the hospital when Ann passed.

I have to say that i really got nothing out of the visit. It wasnt Ann. Not the vibrant loving woman i had spent the last eleven years with it. It didnt help me in the slightest but then why would i feel entitled to anyway.

So you see it really does depend on the individual. Make whatever decision you feel is right for you and then try not to regret it either way.

My heart goes out to you.


It is just so personal.
Just do what feels right for you…and it will be the right decision.
My heart goes out to you all.
Grieving is such hard work xxx

My husband collapsed and died at home of at heart attack -his face was navy blue but I decided to go to the chapel of rest to see him -he had had a postmortem but you would never have known-he looked so peaceful and he look younger -no longer suffering-I did double over sobbing with grief but I am glad I went to see him


Hi Pammyjane
My husband , Phil had been so poorly, for so long .
And he too looked younger and beautiful.
And I was lucky, because he defied all the odds, and I could see him until the day before the funeral…which was nearly 3 weeks after he died.
So much love to all of you.:hugs:



So so sorry to read your post. Far too young . It’s a very personal thing . I went a lot to see my husband a lot and it’s hard , especially when you first walk through that door, but as hard as it was & still surreal , it’s the only place at that time I felt peace as I could touch him & kiss him & talk to him .

Sending hugs xxx


There is no right and wrong in this and whatever decision you make will be right for you. I did go to see my husband but only once. I hadn’t seen him as he died on the way to hospital but he was there while they did a post mortem so it was three weeks after he died that I went to the funeral directors.
I felt it better for me to go but my daughters, who are both older than you (although one with a learning disability) didn’t go.

I was warned that there may be some signs of the post mortem but I didn’t see any as they had dressed him well.
I put photos of us in with him as well as a heart from a friend.
I also made fabric heart pairs for us each to throw one in the grave and keep the other matching one. If you felt it better not to go, you could always ask them to put items in with him.

Sending you much love.
Karen xxx

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