My partner passed away on the 2nd March of sudden heart attack. He passed whilst on life support and I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I have been going over and over if I should see him in the Chapel of Rest or not. I’m terrified it will not look like him and it will be my lasting memory of him but I also feel the need to say goodbye. I would appreciate thoughts on this please
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I went every day right up until the day of the funeral. It helped me to feel close to him, i could hold his hand, kiss his head and speak to him. I was the only person to visit him and just didnt like the thought of him being alone. I placed flowers in the coffin and took one out of the bunch and im going to plant it in the garden to make a rose bush so i have a peice of him with me, i also placed photos, letters, poems in with him as well. Its not for everyone and it was extremerly heart breaking and difficult but it helped me a lot i think.
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At the time, I couldn’t go to visit to say goodbye but handed in personal items to be placed with hubby.
Two years on, I now think I could have coped but at the time I knew I did the right thing for me.
My dad used to say - if they are in your head & your heart, then they aren’t far away.
G. X
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I went to see my partner at the coronas office. I was really glad I went. It was not him, it was just a vessel. Everything that made my partner who he was, was gone. It was him but not the man I knew and that gave me comfort to see his soul had gone. Once he got to the funeral home, I could only see him in a closed coffin. I sat with him for an hour and a half, chatting, crying and in the end just talking to him about what was going to happen next. I had left photos in his jeans pocket, which they had changed him into. Because it was a closed coffin I couldn’t add anything to the coffin myself. It did me good and I felt a sense of calm after each visit x
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@Sarlyn
There is no telling whether it will be right for you or not as I think everyone is different.
I did go to see Richard and mostly he looked like him apart from his mouth. My daughters didn’t want to go so I took photos of him in case they ever wanted to see them. I told them they would be on my phone so they wouldn’t see them by mistake.
Maybe you could go first with the coffin closed and see whether that feels enough for you to be in the room with him to say goodbye.
Love
Karen xxx
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I went to see my husband the day before his funeral, our daughter came with me. I needed to see him one more time and say good-bye. I put some photos he kept in his wallet with him and a small heart, half of the pair given to me by the hospital where he died. I’m glad I did it even though I cried.
I remember thinking I forgot to give the funeral home his socks, he always had cold feet. After years of illness he did look at peace all the pain taken away. I’m glad I went. x
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Heyy,
I was the same when my mom passed away, I didn’t know whether to go and see her or not.
We took some clothes to the funeral director to dress her in, as she died in hospital and I didn’t want to see her in a hospital gown.
Even on the day of visiting, I still didn’t know if I could do it….
Just seeing the coffin and knowing she was in there really upset me.
My brother went in to see mom first….he came out and said she looked at peace….eventually I went to see mom, lying in her coffin. As much as it broke me, I am so glad I got to see her, she looked just like her, no deterioration or anything, and that was 3-4 weeks post passing.
In my honest opinion, I would say yes, but I’d get the opinion from the funeral director first.
I hope you are at peace with whatever you decide xx
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Hi @Sarlyn, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a hard call and I don’t think you ever really know. My husband died in front of me and there was more than 2 weeks until the funeral and I worried that I had left him all alone. I did go. It was very hard and not pleasant but how could it be?. I wailed (oh my god did I wail! Very not me) and i sat with him and talked and said goodbye and put some things and a letter in with him. I felt he wasn’t there though. That his soul, his being was somewhere else and for that reason I’m glad I went. I did go with his sisters though and I would encourage you to take someone, even if they sit outside.
I always think we regret the things we didnt do more than those we do but trust your gut and make peace with yourself that your gut knows best. Xx
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Some lovely responses thank you. I have however decided now not to go. Part of that reason is Jim would want me to remember him as fit, healthy and strong and I want to honour that legacy he left, he was a very proud man and hated illness and sickness. I also know the only way I can cope with all this moving forwards is to focus on our love and our life together and not the death and the ending. I also couldn’t bear my lasting memory of him being in a coffin. He is still in the hospital mortuary as the funeral directors morgue is full. So it is now 5 weeks since since he passed and another 2 weeks to the funeral taking place. I think also I have an overactive mind and seeing him laying still lifeless would just about finish me off. What a complete nightmare all this is for all of us when we just want them back as they were. I’m still angry with him for leaving me and was even angrier earlier when I drew the curtains and the pole is now hanging off 
I can’t fix it so who will?
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I went … it was very beautiful and he looked ok - i asked funeral director if he looked ok … he said yeh. I wanted so much to see his handsome face one more time 
and i stroked his hair and we spoke to him me and my son and his wife and his brother. One of my daughters also went , the other didnt x
Personal choice isnt it ! You know same thing happened to me my curtain pole fell off and i thought i cant do this he fixes stuff !!! But i did it in the end 
i cant believe you have to wait that long ? Wow !! Where abouts do you live? I waited a month and thought that was a long time xx
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Thankfully I managed to fix the pole after a lot of frustration and anger. Fingers crossed the stupid things stays up!
We (oops I) that’s another horrible thing having to say I…does it never end?..live in the Midlands and apparently there is a backlog. He’s been in the hospital morgue since 2nd March
This country is in a mess, can’t see a doctor, cost of living, nhs on it’s knees and now our loved one’s have to wait weeks for their funerals. I’m glad I didn’t have children because I dread to think what the future holds for them and the state pension will rise to 70 in a few years time, so no one will get much of a retirement. (Sorry for mini rant) just that everything these days is hard work and it was so much more bearable when they were 2 of us to fight these battles
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Well done you!
I still say ‘we’ and ‘our’ …‘I’ doesn’t sound right. I can see other people wince sometimes but stuff that 
.
Feel free to rant. It’s so hard to lose half your team and no one else is ever as good a listener as them.
Xx 
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Sarlyn. Im glad you have made your decision. Its such a personal thing isnt it. I wasn’t going to go then my step Daughter asked if i would go with her. At the last moment she backed out. My Husband had been prepared so i ended up still going. I was very apprehensive. I had seen both of my parents after they died and had said never again. I was lucky. He looked really peaceful. It actually helped me a lot. I was able to have a long chat without crying. I couldn’t stop crying when i tried to talk to him in icu when he was sedated on life support.
So i would say stick with your decision but if there is any part of you that may regret not seeing him at a later stage, have another think about it. We are all different but for me it was very calm and i think it helped a lot for me to process things. Yes i could see he wasnt really there but i came out feeling a lot stronger.
Such a difficult decision and a horrid time. Good luck for the funeral.
Jx
To be fair mine wasn’t a great listener 
but I carried on regardless it’s just missing the safety and security of them being there for you.
My stupid microwave has stopped working now…I’m sure Jim is behind this lol
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Thank you, I do still have a tiny part of me that wonders if I will regret it. …I didn’t get to see him on life support in ICU so haven’t seen him since he woke up on Sunday 26th Feb when I had to call an ambulance so this gap up until the date of his funeral feels like I am in limbo but I cannot change what has happened or bring him back so I feel it’s right now to let go of the goodbyes as he can’t hear them anyway…
I am still in angry stage but anger is a great driver of action and that is keeping me going at the moment.
This I hope will make you smile…2 days after he died that very anger made me buy an AA Tyre Inflator off Amazon I woke up in a panic in the early hours of the morning so angry that he won’t be taking care of my car as that was one of his designated roles…I have had other “anger” purchases since then… I bought my own tool box haven’t got a clue how to use anything in there x
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Sarlyn
Yes i do think anger can be a good thing.
How funny re the tyre inflater, a friend of mine said i will need one of those. And a toolbox. You know its a good thing you are being practical, i think its 1 of these stages we go through.
My anger is directed at the hospital, i found out afterwards that 1 of the drugs they gave Mike for pain relief has breathing sight affects. He only went in with broken ribs, he died of sepsis and breathing problems.
Its hard to make sense of it. He was 55.
Please think just once more about seeing your Husband. I feel bad for saying as i dont want you to go and regret it. But i do want you to make the best decision for you.
Jx
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Don’t feel bad about asking me to think about it as I asked for everyone’s thoughts and appreciate them, it helps with the decision making process.
Jim I think would be angry at me because he was a proud man and would want me to remember him as the strong, fit healthy man he was. However, I will give it some more thought. Thank you x
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I totally agree with you !! This country is a mess !!! And as you say so much easier to cope with when there are two of you … that’s why i miss my love too its not fair is it
No it isn’t fair but at least they are at peace from everything now, and the world has a lot of angry widowers to deal with now