People see me laugh, have fun, smile and think I’m back to being me. This for me is the hard part of grief. If people see me laugh and have fun, it must mean I’m healed, that I no longer feel pain, I’m over it and I’m back to normal. My grief is so not done, my grief now lives with me and will remain till I die, my grief casts a shadow over everything I do, my grief bursts out at the most inconvenient moments, my grief is wrapped around my heart and hurts it, my grief plays games with my thoughts, my memories, my future plans, my grief is an arsehole. In between all of that a light breaks through and gives me some bright moments but I’m far from ok, this weekend has taught me that. This journey is long but hopefully one day I’ll have more bright light coming through. I am not sad all of the time, reality is, I do ok most of the time but as a friend said today, were ok in our bubble of safety, take us out of that, like with Christmas and it shows us how not ok we are.
Today, I am back home, back to my new normal and I feel ok again back in my safe bubble. I will keep leaving it and trying different things but my bubble is there if I need it xx
I class my laughing smiling etc as a mask I wear but people who really know me still see behind the mask.
I’m 7 months in and I feel like it was yesterday still.
Take as long as you need xx
@Ali29 Have to agree with all you have written, I’ve planned ahead this year and organized things to do, people to be with but I find myself more often than not just wanting to be on my own, the safe space, as you say, where I can just be myself and act as the mood takes me. I suppose I’ve gotten used to dealing with grief in my own way and to have to now be among the ‘festivities’ really leaves little room for remembering and reflection in the way I find of use. But like you I’m back to my lonesome today and have to say finding it very much more bearable than having to act out the required mood and attitude. People want you to be ‘better’ from a very caring place but really lack the understanding of what they are asking of you, there’s so many instances around this time of year that have made me remember the fun and happiness that I shared with my wife, but for now much of that still evokes sadness and loss. I think perhaps it’s because those moments are so prolific and concentrated into each and every day of this time of year, traditions we had, upsets we’d overcome, situations we’d borne together, the shared experience of this point in time each and every year, it’s been hard to unpack and disentangle all of that, to let those memories back in for a time, they feel so close but so utterly far away. We all know that it’s step by step and day by day but at this time of year we’re required to take strides whether we’re ready or not, but we’ll get through and next year, maybe it won’t be so hard, maybe we’ll be able to think of them and smile a bit more, a bit longer. I’ll learn from this year, it’s still lost in the ether at the moment but the lesson, the knowledge is beginning to take shape and as with all of this journey I’m sure in time that meaning, understanding and acceptance will emerge, change me and allow me to move forward. As you say grief is very much an arsehole when it’s in your face and pushing your buttons, but on the other side it can be the friend that holds our hand and helps us walk on.
It’s all so surreal isn’t it? Navigating it all is a challenge and sometimes physically and mentally exhausting. I expected Xmas to be hard but it actually floored me. This is the time of year when we can’t put on a brave face even if we wanted to, it is the harsh reality of loss.
I always look at my home as my bubble, my safety net but I realise it wasn’t my home at all, it was my loved one’s who were my home and my safety and security. Christmas left me feeling exposed to my own self, it also made me very aware that this is never going away anytime soon, I don’t actually want it to strangely enough because it is also my comfort, it reminds me of who I once was because I am no longer that person. This Christmas I said goodbye to me and god it hurt but it just happened. 2023 I was me, now with 2024 approaching I am someone else. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else?
Totally makes sense to me. I’ve been saying all through this period that I’m not the person I was. I am much stronger, more capable and I feel a big shift coming on. I don’t know what the shift is but I feel next year is going to change x
We are of a very similar ilk @Walan and can relate to all you’ve said, even down to grief being a friend at times. I do feel a change coming, and occasionally I have a little ball of excitement at the prospect that change can bring. 2024 will do it’s thing whether I want it or not, I may as well have some input it what it brings so I have a choice rather than being done to x
Grief teaches us lessons, I have had to look at myself in the mirror at who I am now? Who do I want to be? What is my purpose? What now are my beliefs? Christ I feel like a philosopher most of the time lol… I actually feel like a huge jigsaw puzzle and all the pieces of my life, past, present and future are waiting to be put together to form some picture and knowing where to start is a nightmare but if I start with the edges and form them then I can start to complete the other bits. I just need to focus and carry on with the puzzle and not discard it back in it’s box. I don’t have a picture to copy, I have to create it from scratch and it can look exactly how I choose it to be. It’s challenging, daunting, a tad exciting and don’t know what the last piece will be or where it will fit. This is life…
Another strange thing I have to deal with and this may be sensitive to some… but in my own personal grief I have realised I put my partner of 30 yrs on a pedestal, when I talk about him I describe him almost god like, I had to dissect/process this too (yes grief is the ultimate strip bare to the bone of everything) and he was just a normal human being, with flaws, I looked at the whole of him and asked myself if I wanted to fall in love with someone in the future what would he look like? What would I want him to be? and I was quite shocked that he didn’t look like my Jim? Yet to figure this one out…not that I am looking but why would he be different? So many changes coming in me, I hardly recognise the Lyn I was with Jim…I have now probably confused the hell out of everyone lol…time for a G&T give my brain a rest lol
Reading these comments feels like I’ve written it but I guess we all feel pretty much the same as each other. Having one of those days today where I can’t pull myself together. I’ve been back in work over 3 weeks now and I thought it would help being around people but it feels forced and I feel like ripping off my work mask and letting them see the real me, whoever she is now 
@Ali29 @Sarlyn It’s difficult isn’t it, I sometimes, as you have both said, feel a little excitement for the future, but I have to just remain patient, keep feeling around in the gloom, taking what I find and working out what the f it is and what the f I can do with it now that I’ve found it. As you’ve said it just gets so exhausting at times, but as ever we regroup, reflect, choose a direction and head off once again, a bit wiser for the things we have tried and the experiences we have created.
@Sarlyn I’ve done much the same myself but I always knew my wife had flaws, they weren’t hard to spot but then again neither were mine, I’ve never been one for perfection to be honest, for me beauty lies in the mistakes, the wonky, the flawed. It’s hard when they go not to beatify them, I remind myself everyday that she used to do my head in at times 
, it’s something I’ve learned that helps me back from the edge
@Walan could you teach me some of your patience please lol…I have those f’s all the time but I strangely feel an urgency to get my life back on some kind of track as I am fed up of floundering all over the place with no clue where I’m heading and I am very aware time is precious as the saying goes… here today gone tomorrow
@Sarlyn wish I knew how to do that 
Much the same as you tbh, I just keep trying things and see what sticks, then try something else then try again, things are taking a semblance of shape but as you say there’s always the overriding sense that it all has to be done now, I’m starting to realise that it’s probably an open ended project but somehow there’s comfort in that, no conclusion necessary.
Hi @Walan, @Sarlyn and @Ali29,
What a wonderful and insightful conversation! @Ali29 thank you for kicking this off with such an excellent post.
You touch on so many points that absolutely resonate with me at this time. This notion of trying to understand and get to grips with just who the hell I am now, what is my purpose and what do I want? Particularly this growing feeling that change is coming: I have felt progressively more stuck as the year has passed. But stuck in the sense that I am somehow trying to hold back a whole load of change and the pressure is building. I grapple with the predominant fear that I feel at the prospect. Excitement? Hmm … well maybe in the sense of what have I got to lose?? Something has to give …
It was also hugely important to me to see that you acknowledge that your partners were flawed and that you can acknowledge that as part of your grief. Christine and I would sometimes drive each other absolutely chicken oriental at times!
Absolutely, this overriding sense that it all has to be done now, that I somehow have to make the utterly right decisions now and that they will be irrevocable. I know these things well 
. In a sense I just need to relax a little.
Thank you all again.
Simon
@Sarlyn I totally understand this and I have literally stripped my relationship back to the bare bones, analysed it, questioned it and questioned him. Ultimately, the day he died, I felt loved, I’ve always felt loved and so secure, he was always there for me and always turned up when I needed him. One day I may be lucky to have that again and if I don’t I’ll be equally happy on my own. I’ll have the best or nothing at all. I’ve been lucky to be loved unconditionally even though neither of us were perfect. I’m no longer who I was , I’m looking forward to finding the new me x
@JerryH I understand the feeling of urgency at the same time I am aware not to rush and get it wrong.
For me I think it’s about planning. I love a plan, I feel more stable if I know what’s coming, what we’re doing etc. I now don’t have that stability and that puts me on edge, big time.
Hi @Ali29, @Sarlyn, @Walan, @JerryH
Just wanted to say thank you for your discussion, it makes me feel so much better knowing that all the things that swirl around my head other people experience too.
I no longer feel I am the person I used to be; loved my husband to bits but he was far from perfect; & I have glimmers of ‘excitement’ at the prospect of a new year and finally feeling I have a bit of motivation to get straight…I just hope I can hold on to that feeling for a while.
Hugs to you all as we go forward
…& thank you for sharing. x
Strangely I am the opposite, I actually want some spontaneity and adventure now. I had security, safety with my partner, he’s no longer here and all the plans we made never happened as it all got taken away. I am cautious now about long term plans so wish to throw that caution to the wind
@Ali29 @Sarlyn I really don’t have a choice, the third way. Cash in the bank, work for some months, not really sure after that. For me it’s going to have to be Plans & Spontaneity . And an old grumpy cat
@walan spontaneity is a good thing so is a plan lol. I like both. I think what I was trying to say is, me and rich planned everything that we wanted to do through the year, as much as we could and I miss that. The future is like an abyss for me, jumping into it and not knowing what’s out there x