I’m hoping to reach out to those of you who may have had similar expereinces because no one in my real life can relate.
In June 2020 my Mum deteriorated from her Cancer - she was in hospital, with them trying to get her through another round of chemo, for 25 days. During that time we couldn’t see her at all and sadly the chemo didn’t work and she deteritorated.
I was able to go into see her for the final week, spend time with her and even sleep in there (which I am so grateful for).
I had family with me until the day before she died but the last 36 hours was just the 2 of us. Her last day she gradually drifted off and I asked for medication whenever she felt unsettled as I didn’t want her in pain, plus she was so ready to go.
In the evening it was so so hard, I kept googling signs of someone dying, trying to work out how long she had left. Trying to pace myself and be able to cope with maybe another few days. It felt like the walls were closing in on us.
After getting ready for bed, reading a story to her and kissing her goodnight - I sat to watch something on my laptop (a programme she would have loved). I think I neeeded an escape to refuel for the coming days.
I was sat next to her not holding her hand though, as I had been for most of the time. Something made me look up and I knew she had gone. I held her hand, kissed her and she let out a few breaths and I called the nurse as I just didn’t know what to do
I just feel awful that at the point my Mum died, I was watching TV and I can’t move past that. It feels such an aweful and callous thing to have done but I was struggling so much in there and just desperately wanted to find a way to carry on staying with her.
I can so relate to this…
I was also with my mum for the last 4 days in her care home.
Having experience in Palliative care I realy didn’t expect her to go when she did.
I done all her cares sat with her hugged her and kissed her goonight…
I lay on the sofa like you say to pace myself for what I thought the next few days would bring.
I obviously dosed off - woke with a startle and the silence and knew she was gone.
i do feel some guilt around not being by her bedside holding her hand when she passed over.
But I like you was there and that’s what matters…
Hello, I completely agree with you all! I was there when my husband died. Tried to make him more comfortable as he wanted his ventilator of his face. I even tried to put him on his three pillows so he can breath properly. In that moment we looked at each other, but I was more concerned about his comfort than reading the signs. Unfortunately, I didn’t know anything about how people pass away, but I followed my basic instinct. I know more now seeing what I saw. It is very comforting that I was there with him, it doesn’t matter if you watch TV. You could be in the bathroom, it doesn’t matter. BUT you were there. AND the soul saw it anyway when they leave the body. When I knew that my husband Jeff passed away, I felt relieved. No more suffering for him. I am in terrible state now as I miss him, but I have to deal with it somehow. I am just so grateful that I had the opportunity to be with him. Not everybody has this chance. Your presence is the most important. I could not wish for a better way to say goodbye to my amazing Jeff.
Take care. Petra xxx
Petra
I was with my mum when she passed. I had helped care for her in the last days of her life.
But some how I think things over and over… asking myself did I do enough. I think of things I could have done better.
But hearing your story helps me realise how much our mothers knew they were loved. Your Mum would have felt at peace just knowing you were there by her side all those days and nights. Please find some comfort in knowing this.
Sending you strength at this time. x
Thank you for sharing. It does give me comfort to know others feel the same.
Someone told me that people often wait for a quiet second to go, as if they need to be free of the connection with this world. That’s helped me - I can almost hear my Mum saying ‘Ok, I’m going to pop off now while you’re settled over there’
I was the same with my husband . I decided to stay the night and sat watching the television. I didn’t expect him to go and he took two deep breaths and then his breathing stopped . I ran out of the room for the nurse . They came back in and said sorry he has passed .
I’m so glad I was with him but wished I had held his hand or could of done more xx
You were with your Mum. She will have known you were there and felt your comfort.
Don’t torture yourself about watching the television, your mum absolutely would not want that.
It sounds as though your Mum’s passing was peaceful and she was surrounded by your love, regardless of whether you were looking at her at the moment of her passing. You were there. That is what matters.
I was lucky enough to be with my Mum holding her hand and our circumstances sound quite similar. I am truly grateful to have been with my Mum and to have been holding her hand. It was very peaceful and loving.
Dear Montague, Yes, nobody is prepared for this as nobody told us about it. I wish there was a class where we could go.
I would like to hear how other people experienced these last moments with the loved one. Starting with restlessness, coolness, confusion, shallow breathing and the SOUND or CRAMPS when the soul leaves the body.
I was so unprepared. Even GP didn’t tell me what to look for or how to deal with it.
I just had to follow my instinct.
Steve was with you, and the sound he made was his relieve. He is free now.
For us, the flashbacks are horrid. I still see them. I don’t think it will ever go away. We just have to learn how to live with it.
Petra x
I can relate to all of you. I was with my husband when he passed. I had told my two sons and daughter to go home and rest I would let them know if he deteriorated but it all happened so fast. I was reading at the side of his hospital bed when his breathing changed. He took one deep breath and I called the nurse in, I ran back to him he took one more breath then he was gone. I like to think he waited till we were on our own to pass. Our children were saved from the crippling grief of seeing him go (one of our sons had coped badly seeing his active Dad rapidly deteriorate due to a brain tumour) our daughter was on her way back to the hospital. I went and met her and we then spent two hours with him after he passed. We spoke to him, thanked him for everything he had done in our lives together. The nurses were marvellous they didn’t rush us but we left him in the end so they could see to him. I was comforted that he was no longer struggling or suffering. This was 5 weeks ago and I miss him so much. We had been together since I was 15 and I have just retired at 66. 51 years of happy memories, not everyone gets that. The hard bit is having to learn to live without him.
Dear CB,
Absolutely, we have to learn how to live without them, but they will be always in our mind. Mind is very strong and powerful!
My Jeff left me only 41 days ago so everything is fresh. Like you said.
The pain is terrible for everybody! It’s not a depression , it’s painful feeling in your chest, in your body, it’s everywhere.
Take care of yourself! We still have to go a long way before we feel a bit better
X
My Valerie passed away at home 12/04/2021.
I was her full time caregiver and was with her constantly in the last 5 months.
It was a difficult time for us both.
She was half blind, almost deaf, paralysed on her right side.
In pain most of the time and when legs were moved.
In the last 2 days she was making loud gasping noises which I can’t get out of my head.
I was completely exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I slept when I could no longer stay awake.
I have been suffering guilt because I was sleeping when Valerie passed.
I was about 4 feet away from her.
She passed knowing I loved her.
I know she loved me.
It is so recent for you so it will be your constant thought at the moment. You did all you could for her caring all the time & she knew that so please do not feel guilty. Try to be kind to yourself and recuperate from the physical & mental exhaustion you have been through these last months. Take care & very best wishes.
Dear LarryVal,
I am really sorry for you loss and that you suffer like this. I had a very similar experience. My Jeff died at home as well. Only if I knew that all noises and repetitive movements were linked to his death. His soul was getting ready to leave his body. Only if I search for it on the internet or my GP told me more about these signs, but I was so exhausted that when he passed away, I really didn’t know what to do. I tried to calm him down by my touch, but speaking to him very softly and calmly, but I am having these flashback. It is still very traumatic. I can’t get them out of my head. Everything reminds me of these terrible last months of suffering. It is not easy.
You have cared for your lovely Valerie, and she knows how wonderful job you have done. Absolutely, she knew you loved her when she passed away. You were there. please don’t feel guilty. You were there with her and Valerie knew it. This is the reason why she left the way like she did.
Jeff did the same.
Keep strong as much as you can…
Petra
I feel exactly the same . I was with my husband when he passed in hospital from a very aggressive cancer . He was given 12 months but died within four weeks .
I was allowed to stay with him, only because the nurse was so upset with me not being able to stay with him because of covid . I had in my head that he had 12 months so didn’t expect it to happen so quickly .
I remember laying my pillow by his bed and suddenly his breathing stopped . I try to think of positives that I was him and some people didn’t get to be with their loved ones but it’s so hard x
Poor KimG,
It must be very hard for you. I can completely imagine how did you feel. Hoping that your loved one can be with you at least 12 months and instead he has been taken away only 4 weeks later. Passing away is impossible to time. I thought I would be able to plan it and be with Jeff and hold his hand and say the last goodbye. But not always this would happen. I was making Jeff more comfortable as he slid down from his pillows and I wanted him to be comfortable again. He must have passed away that moment or straight after without me even knowing, but the most important thing is that he was next to me and he is not suffering anymore. Seeing him so poorly was breaking my heart.
We are the one now who has to cope with this pain and getting up every morning and being without them. It is very hard and I just want him back. Like your husband I thought I will have more time with him. His illness progressed quicker that any doctors predicted.
I am trying to fulfill all these promises I gave to Jeff, but I found them so pointless. One minute I enjoy them, but another minute I am in terrible state as I can’t share them with him. We have always done everything together and lived for each other.
Take of yourself.
Petra x
Hi Mon Petite Fleur, oh please, please don’t berate yourself at all. Things happen for a reason. She knew you were there, she will have seen you there, heard you there. She will have watched you with loving eyes as she left this world. Comforted by your presence and your love. That’s all you need to think about x
My partner died 2 months ago he came home for the last week of his life and was so happy to be home. I hope that he knew I was there; however his ex wife turned up to say goodbye (which his daughter instigated) I know he would have been unhappy about it, I left them for a while but he was becoming agitated when I came into the room I believe he knew I was there and very soon after he died. I take comfort and believe he waited for me before he went; but also if he knew I was there he also knew his ex wife was there which I know he would have been upset about. this upsets me greatly as he was unable to express his wish and it made the last few moments all the worse x
