Dear Dellmac
i am sorry that your step daughter interfered it can be distressing but it is selfish and unthinking. . he will have taken comfort that you were there and that you had got him home for the last week of his life
stay strong Sue
my dear friend, @MonPetiteFleur - I am so sorry. I know only too well what you have been through. The thing is, friends in the medical profession often tell me that those who are dying often wait for a moment when they know those they love are distracted, and this allows them to go. It is easier for them that way. I was with my husband T, when he died. Over 3 long final days and nights. His laboured breathing, all of it. His brother was with me and we were talking about something completely inconsequential when T’s breathing suddenly changed. We knew immediately. He was relaxing, I truly believe, because he knew we would be ok. Please don’t feel bad or guilty. You were there. She knew you were there. You were together. That is the best gift anyone could share. Hold tight, keep going, x
1 Like
Hi
I am so sorry for your loss.
I believe the dying often choose a time to slip away when loved ones are not near. In fact they hold on if someone dear to them is there.
I found this out from a famous Buddhist book and found immense wisdom in it.
So when my husband was near his time, in a coma, I knew he wouldn’t go if I stayed. There was no point in him struggling on, he needed permission to go. I therefore kissed him and whispered that I love him and would be ok. I said go darling, go when you are ready. I left and went home.
A short time later the hospice called and said he was gone. It was fine, I had smelt death on him all day and it was right to release the soul from this earthly agony.
So my dear, it was totally natural the way your mother departed.
1 Like
You were there with her and that’s the important thing. And you were there with her and holding her hand at the end. I’ve been told that touch is the sense that persists right at the end. You weren’t watching TV in a callous way, you were just coping. My partner woke up before he died, I’m glad he knew I was there but I did see him suffer. My Nana just slipped away in her sleep, so she didn’t know my mum was there but equally didn’t know she was dying. You shouldn’t feel at all bad, you were there for her and you were there right at the end xxx
@Vancouver I’ve just seen what you wrote, and it gobsmacked me. I stayed by my darling wife’s side for 5 months in the hospice 24/7. She was supposed to die n my arms like our favourite film “The Notebook”. 3 nights she lay in my arms, each time the nurses said she was going and they couldn’t believe how she stayed. Then the last night, I told her I was going for a pee before the nurses came in the settle her (and me) for the night, and when I came back Sharon and my favourite nurse was on duty and in the room, and then Sharon just passed while I was saying hi. It seems Sharon didn’t want me to suffer the anguish of her passing overnight, with me being shocked, unable to deal with it, ringing the assistance bell etc, but she had waited until the best nurse was there to look after me. I can’t cry, but tears are running down my face as I write this, and your comments really hit me deep.
1 Like
@Rachel50 I so understand what you wrote. I stayed by my darling wife’s side for 5 months in the hospice 24/7 and she was supposed to die in my arms like our favourite film “The Notebook”… But the very last night, I told her I was going for a pee, and when I returned Sharon and my favourite nurse was on duty and in the room, and then Sharon just passed, and they said it was because she waited until that nurse was there to protect me. I felt, feel, still feel so guilty in case she had actually passed while I wast there, although the nurse assured me I was back by then, so your comments really struck a chord. It would be just like my girl to have done that to look after me…
2 Likes
@Sarah72 I totally understand that - my wife suffered pancreatic, liver cancer so it was never going to end well, and I stayed in the hospice at her bedside for 5 months. The last 10 days she could no longer eat or drink, so logically I knew. But when she passed it was TOTALLY unexpected to me, I couldn’t believe it. Still can’t, just can’t process it…
1 Like
@DennisS - my dear friend, we are all in this together. I am so glad my words have helped. Your beloved was looking out for you then and I believe is looking out for you now. Hold tight to that love, and like me, go again today. Loads of love x
1 Like
No matter how prepared you think you are, the reality that your loved one has stopped breathing is a moment of shock and disbelief. It doesn’t not seem possible. Not even years later. How can they who laughed, loved, ate and drank, so alive, just not be here.
I will never believe my husband is just no more.
6 Likes
Hi Rachel, that’s exactly how I feel. It’s been just over a year for me now but I just can’t believe I will never see or talk to Ian again.
Julie x
@Rachel50 I totally get that. The last day or so I keep reliving my Sharon suddenly not there, then taking her in my arms, but she want there any more. Then a while later she’d gone cold. How could that have happened, why…? And its the finality of it that is so awful, no matter how ill she was, she was still there.
1 Like
Hope you are feeling better but the sock and numbness hit when you don’t expect it.
Take care of yourself tried to eat and sleep.
I wish you well .
1 Like
@DEVI Thanks for that, and yes, I’m forcing myself to eat, go to bed, get up etc. Not had another day like last Monday thankfully, but aware it could happen again.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum on Thursday morning. She was surrounded by her family. Like you I googled signs of someone’s last moments but nothing ever prepares you for when someone actually takes their final breathes. Please try not to feel bad just being there next to your mum is all she would have wanted x
You were there and that is the most important thing. I sat with my beautiful husband alone as nobody else wanted to but I wouldn’t of wanted them too.
It does sound very cliche but we all say what ifs. I do every day. Should I have lay on the bed held him. I just sat there and sang to him. The most dreadful thing is to watch your loved one stop breathing. As hard as it is you were there Your loved one passed not alone. A very good quote I go by is , it’s a one off situation, because we feel bad doesn’t make us a bad person xx
1 Like