I saw my mum dying in front of me nearly four years. And it is all come back to me since that day

I am still finding it very hard without my mum seeing her die in front of me i used to be happy but inside i feel so empty. Next month will be the fourth Anniversary of her death. I miss her so much her laughter and her talking to me and asking me if i was alright as i suffer from Epilepsy.

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I’m new to this website not really sure how it works but I lost my mum in March I was 17 at the time recently turned 18 there’s a whole lot more to my story but my mum passed away in front of me too I’m glad I was there as I know my mum wouldn’t have wanted to be alone my whole family was around her. But the memory haunts me i know it’s still early days but I don’t think this is something i feel I can ever recover from it doesn’t sit right every time I think about it I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. I’m glad I’m not alone on this

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Hi take heart you will never forget but you will learn to cope and go on to make your mum proud. Mums just want the best for their children and although she has physically left us she is always with you every step of the way and you have many many steps to go.
post away on here all your feelings and talk to people that you are close to .
take care Lynda

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I saw my dad pass away in hospital last May. Everyone told me that once we’d passed the 1st of everything I’d begin to heal. I don’t and feel like I’m actually worse than the day it happened in May 2023. The empty feeling is getting no better. I feel your pain.

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Hi Lou, so sorry for your loss :pensive: I lost my mum in August 2023, also with her in hospital- most devastating day of my life. I also feel the pain and emptiness is getting worse for me, as mums birthday is approaching and 1 year anniversary I am getting more and more anxious. I find that I want to be left alone though, not in the mood to socialise. I am finding that people want to meet up with me, but I can’t face it.

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So sorry for your loss also. I get the same feeling of just wanting to be left alone. Being around people feels like torture sometimes. As everyone expects me to be over it now that all this time as past. Time has stood still for me since that day in May.:pensive:. What i would say is. Do what you want to do and not what everyone else thinks you should do.

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I’m sorry for your losses. I lost my lovely Dad in March. He went peacefully in hospital after a few years of ill health and I was with him at the end (just me and my niece). I was determined to stay with him and being there gives me some comfort but it’s certainly changed me. I think about it a lot and want to keep talking about it which I don’t think my Mum and sibling understand. I was very close to my Dad, especially when I was a child. I hope he knew I was with him, I don’t think he did.

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Thank you x
I am trying to keep myself to myself but the past 2 weeks I’ve had friends messaging me one after the other to meet up (they expect me to be sociable now 11 months have passed).

One friend text today to say she’s coming over tomorrow …didn’t even ask if I wanted to see anyone or if I’m free!
I had to lie to say I’m away from home! I felt awful but she doesn’t listen when I say I don’t want to see anyone and that’s my way of coping. It gives me anxiety, I was really angry earlier on and my brother told me I should see this friend as she was there when my mum passed. I just don’t need extra pressure right now, I may be losing a few friends soon as it’s just too much.
I prefer to be alone, I’m not bothering anyone but everyone seems bothered by it.

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I understand when you say time has stood still. Exactly the same for me -
The world has moved on but we can’t.

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Sorry for your loss :pensive::heartpulse: it is difficult going through that, especially their last moments. I was with my mum too when she passed and was caring for mum over a long illness too as a carer towards the end. It’s really really devastating and you feel like there’s a massive part missing in your own being and life has no purpose anymore. I tell myself that at least I had the chance to be there at that time, some people don’t have that sadly. I hope they knew we were there with them xxx that’s tough for you not being able to speak about it with your family… you can speak on here though :+1: I’ve only just joined today and already feel I have connected with people I can share my
Pain with

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Thank you :heart:. I wasn’t my Dad’s full time carer but he was a massive part of my life and a lot of my time was spent worrying about him, taking him to appointments, supporting my Mum etc. There’s a massive hole in my life now. I’ll never not miss him.

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I get that, when it stops all of a sudden it’s so empty…

I took videos of mum and sometimes I watch them as she was really funny, but sometimes I can’t even look at a photo. It’s up and down everyday, just take it one day at a time, even one moment at a time, that’s how I am coping somehow.
Some days I want to totally give up.
It’s a tough journey for sure, I am finding that no one understands it except my siblings and people in groups like this. Even siblings grieve different, what works for my brother doesn’t work for me.

It is still very very recent for your loss, try to look after yourself :heartpulse: I try going on walks and I read a lot to escape from reality, but I also suffer from panic attacks and anxiety including insomnia because of flashbacks and reliving certain days.

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Thank you for replying. It’s good to talk with someone who understands. Lovely that you have videos of your Mum, I wish I had more photos of me and Dad together, I was always the one taking the photo.
X

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I, too, was the photo taker. I only have my memories to think back on. :disappointed:. Yeah, i agree. Having people who have been through this is and has been good for me. No1 around me understands or cares to understand

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I know this feeling all to well i lost my mum 8 years ago and i was by her side as she passed away , i have nightmares reliving the process so often as if it wasnt traumatic enough to go through that im so sorry your rw living this awful experience x

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My Mum recently died in front of me. Holding the hands of loved ones reassuring her and comforting her. On paper it’s nice, but it was probably one of the most traumatic things I have ever been a part of. I don’t know how I will ever get the images out of my head. The flashbacks are awful and I keep waking up in the night having panic attacks about it. I talk about it to close friends and I can see that even just talking about it makes them feel uncomfortable (almost traumatised by proxy)… I don’t want to burden loved ones - but I just can’t go on like this with the flashbacks and panic attacks. Running and going to the gym helps to a point… but my body is battered from it lol. Any coping strategies people can suggest?

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