Dear All. Since losing my soulmate of 50yrs Anne 14 months ago I’ve noticed how I’ve slowly withdrawn from the world. As I’m retired its easier for this process to take place than others. A few weeks ago my car was badly hit on a roundabout. Since the car has been towed away for assessment by the insurance company I’ve not missed it. I listed the few places I used it for and it doesn’t bother me at all that many I won’t be able to go again. Fishing? - lost the enthusiasm. Visiting distant friends? - Im not bothered. All my shopping I can get on line or go by bus. And Internet banking saves driving to Barclays. Losing the car feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. No more commitments. I don’t want commitments anymore. My world now will shrink even further into an even smaller bubble - and thats fine. I hope the insurance company write the car off. If not I’ll sell it. Since losing Anne I’ve gone through life when on my own living in a twighlight world: no enthusiasm for literally anything. Yet my public persona doesn’t give any clue as to whats really going on inside me: the painted face of a clown. The best part of any day is when I’m asleep and away from the world. In a nut shell I’ve lost the spark of life. I dont do counselling, it doesn’t work for me. My antidepressants just about touch the surface. A few beers however work well when I’m really low. I just have to be careful I don’t over do it! Is any other retired person going through this life withdrawal process?
Love and Light
Geoff x
Hi Geoff, I understand how you feel, I lost my husband of 40 years, 8 years ago, the advice I got was to accept every invitation that came my way, I did try to follow this advice, but quite frankly , it didn’t bother my whether I went or not, I’ve always been happy with my own company, and when lockdown was brought in, it suited me down to the ground, I didn’t have to see anybody and nobody was going to call, bliss, there is no right or wrong way to get through this, you just must do what you are happy with, doesn’t matter what anybody else says, they are not walking in your shoes, I’m quite sure there are plenty of other people that feel the same way, sending love xx
Thanks Jude. You seem to know ’ exactly’ where I’m coming from. I wonder if we are a rare breed of bereaved person?
Love and Light
Geoff x
Hidden pain Geoff, hidden pain. We all have it. We do what we have to do and if that means withdrawing from the world then so be it. I go out to work but I can understand where you’re coming from because it’s only at home that I can feel any kind of peace. Home is where I feel closest to my man.
Your words reminded me of the song by The Miracles ‘Tears of a clown’. I’ll post it on the songs thread.
If there’s a smile upon my face, it’s only there trying to fool the public
Don’t let my glad expression give you the wrong impression, cos really I’m sad, sadder than sad, you’re gone and I’m hurting so bad
You get the picture. 
Thanks Kate
Those words brought a tear to my eye
Love and Light
Geoff x
Geoff I am nowhere near retiring but my home is my sanctuary. When Frankie was alive we used to joke about locking the bad people out. Home was our happy little bubble. It’s hard to explain but as heartbroken as I am I don’t mind coming in from work and locking that door. Maybe the change in weather has a lot to do with it💙
Hi Geoff I can totally get where your coming from ,I lost my Ian June 2019 my soulmate the thing that bothers me is loneliness i hate my own company i am so glad i can get to chat on here with people that has lost there loved ones We have to be strong and i keep my self busy during the day so its the night time when i am reading or watching tv that i start to think about things Covid is not helping any of us so try and keep busy xx
I find it is really difficult to go out in a group, there used to be seven couples and now there are six and me. I refuse a lot going out in this group, it’s too painful, it’s so obvious sitting in a restaurant at the moment with COVID restrictions. Everyone has to sit with their partner and I don’t have one so I don’t go.
Dear Geoff
I can so understand where you are coming from. I am trying hard to be ‘normal’ once more. I keep myself busy, I meet plenty of people to chat to and think I can say have a smile on my face so that I am approachable. However most of the time I feel as if I am sinking and constantly struggling to keep my head above water, if you can understand what I am trying to say. I am such a changed person but trying to be the person I used to be. I don’t particularly want people visiting me or want to visit them so I welcomed Covid. Sometimes I even switch off the phone so that I won’t get any calls. I feel as if I am being pulled in two as part of me is busy and mixing well but the other half craves to be alone and withdrawing from the world and the painted face of a clown are excellent descriptions. I do like contact with forum members though as they will always understand.
Take care and bless
Pat
xxx
Dear @Geof999,
Like others who have commented, I feel a strong affinity to your words and situation. With my wife beside me, I felt I could achieve anything that needed to be done - things around the house, sorting the garden, working on our two cars, whatever. But now that she’s gone, I’m even struggling with simple decisions like whether I should turn the heating on. My “sphere of self-confidence”, if that makes sense, seems to have shrunk to no more than a body aura (like in the old Ready Brek adverts). After 31 years of making decisions as a couple I feel as though I just can’t hack it on my own. I bought a new 8-gang extension cable about 4 weeks ago, and I only just unwrapped it and plugged it in 3 days ago. What was the point, I thought afterwards? It brought me no pleasure, and it felt like such an effort. Like you, I also welcome sleep, because then I too no longer have to think about my situation. But if I fall asleep in my armchair, then I feel guilty, because I was asleep in it the morning/afternoon that my wife passed away. My life just feels so pointless now, so much time on my hands now but without the person who would make that time worthwhile. I’m afraid I don’t have any answers, but reading the posts on this site from others does offer some slight degree of comfort.
Wishing you all the very best,
Alston
Dear Geoff99,
You can count me on this post Geoff99. My wife has been gone for nearly a year now. Sure, I go thru the same things each day - In fact I drink about 2 beers a day (sort of a sedative in a way). I go to bed early - wake up very early in the morning - but it’s that peaceful time when I can watch the sun rise, and then I contemplate what the day holds for me. I go on the internet - sometimes coming to this site to realize I’m not alone in this diliema (I’m sure I mis-spelled that). I want to tell a joke - my wife was the only one who got a laugh out of it, Now days most of the family and friends look at me with glum faces, not realizing I’m trying to regain something I lost a year ago. Yeah Geoff, my world is shrinking too - maybe not like yours, but all the same it is too. I’m not sure why, but I just believe I must keep on doing what I’m doing each day, whether it’s tending to the plants, making a shopping list or whatever. When my time comes, I hope to rejoin the love of my life on the other side. I have to believe in that - that’s what keeps me going. Best wishes Pal! Hope to hear from you sometime!
Herb
THANK YOU so much everybody for your acknowledgements and stories. It seems very much Im not on my own dealing with this insoluble situation. Stay safe everyone and bless you all.
Love and Light
Geoff x
We are all in the same boat Geof ,words of comfort means a great deal for me and i sometimes wonder how i can keep going on ,I know this Covid would have been a piece of cake if my Ian was here with me, We always use to say me you and the world ,but you know what Geof i feel him around me like hes watching over me hope we can get through these dark days and i will be reading peoples posts knowing i’m not alone take care x
You are right callum95, and you others in this boat. I guess somehow we got to this boat afloat for a while, till we get to our destination. Wishing you all the best!!
Hi Geoff sorry to hear your predicament, I see myself in what you say, and it’s been over three years now since my lovely Ann passed away after 46 years married. I still pine for her every day, always will, and quite happy to shy away from the world, which I do at times, being like you retired. But, Ann being terminally ill, made me promise to live the life I’ve been given until its my time, when she’d be waiting for me.
Were not really alone, they are still with us in spirit, what ever we do, where ever we go, they will be with us, maybe you’ve had signs and not realised.
I’ve kept my car, wouldn’t do without it, I’ve kept her little cuddly car toys in it from when she used to drive, and go to favourite places we went. What really done it for me, was to connect fully with nature, can’t beat it. Binoculars, camera, drive out and immerse into the countryside on my own, away from the bustle of everyday life, connecting with animals and birds. Its been a great relief for me, and of course benefit from the exersize.
Maybe not everybody’s idea of a good time, but it works, and I know Ann would love it also.
Can’t be sat in the Trench forever, we have to go over the top, to meet the challenges of what life we have left, and make best of it.
I wish you the best… John.
Hi Geoff
I think I understand how you feel. It is easier and less upsetting to shut myself away from the outside world.
I am so sick of the " move on’" " keep busy" " accept all the invitations " " build a new life " c— that well meaning people come up with They have not got a clue how I feel . Wishing you well.
Hi all
I’m in a slightly different position as my wonderful husband passed away only 12 weeks ago, it feels like 12 years & I cry constantly. I have shut myself away & also have the two faces my fake smile for the outside & my tearful behind closed doors one… I got fed up with people telling me my husband is at peace, you’re doing really well & it was time to rebuild a new life for myself.
I don’t want a new life.
Love & light
Dear KG47, I am so sorry to hear of your wonderful husband’s passing. I am reminded of the way (same way) when my beloved wife passed away so suddenly in our living room. (Sometimes I regret being alive), but I have one son - and a few so-called friends who wish me well. I know exactly how you must feel - I have gone thru this myself. Yes, you are so right - I smile and fake smile a sense of contentment as well. I believe we will somehow get past this in time (how long, I cannot say). 12 weeks, your sorrow is still fresh - how I grieve for you as I have gone thru. Please don’t think of me as a bitter old man — I am not able to understand this life when I have (as you) lost someone so dear to us. Why must love die???
Yes, I know, all our well wishers are not totally aware of our loss. I do not know how things like this end up - I am sympathetic for your loss - I wish I could do more than offer any more than that. Believe me, I shed tears and cries each day as well. I am very sorry for your loss. My best to you, if you wish please let me know how you are handling this. Please accept my sympathy.
Herb
I had a bad couple of days with that awful uncontrollable crying and feeling like I couldn’t cope and just isolated myself at home. It passed and I once again walked the dog and tried to do things but the emotional changes are so exhausting. We all have lost our best friend and its so hard to deal with the grief and try and find our way and I feel I want to do better to honour Davids wishes that I try and live a full life but easier said than done! Love to all x
Hi John_D
A man after my own heart and I can so relate to your love of nature. So, backpack, a drink, stick and like you binoculars, of course not forgetting my best pals also…my two dogs, I am off into the countryside and can confirm that it really does work. My husband and I was keen Ramblers and I go off onto paths and tracks that we once walked together. Hard at first but managing it now.
It’s certainly my idea of a good time and living in a wonderful walking area is an added bonus. I pray to God that I will be able to keep walking until the end, just as my husband almost did. Walking, and being outside with nature, along with my dogs has been my saviour and kept me going when at my lowest and shutting down from the outside world.
xxx