Dear Lostsoul,
Even though I, like many of us, have my husbands ashes at home (the physical proof he has died), I still bargain every day with some imaginary power. It’s a vain hope of changing what happened as if I can magic him back. How mad is that but I continue to deny the reality of his death. The infinity of it is beyond comprehension. I am approaching the first anniversary of his very sudden death, followed shortly by our anniversary and my birthday. Last year they didn’t register and I don’t think this year will be any different. As for Christmas, well I just don’t acknowledge it. I totally understand when you say you just can’t comprehend it and want to withdraw from the world. Your name Lostsoul is just how I feel.
Thinking of you.
Dear Alice, I hope you will be reassured to know you are not alone in talking aloud to your husband. After 64 years together how could you not? I had 37 years with my husband and cannot remember life before we were together. The plan was to have many more but it didn’t happen but however long any of us have its never long enough. I don’t think the human brain can ever accept the reality of death. I talk to my husband throughout the day and in the middle of those many sleepless nights. I can’t imagine ever stopping. As for dreading Christmas, that too is entirely understandable. So many of us here feel exactly the same. Thinking of you.
Hello Both
I agree with everything that you both echo, like you say as well Christmas is another hurdle and I also feel it’s just to much to deal with your whole outlook has changed .
All of these things used to have a meaning now they seem like a trial .
How many of us here still talk to our beloved and wonder if they can hear us? I have found a lot of comfort in a book from Amazon called ‘The Afterlife Is Real’ by Theresa Cheung. Whatever your belief is this book will certainly make you think. I hope it helps someone here to feel a glimmer of hope.
Dear Lostsoul, Jobar, As far as the Christmas holidays go in my life – I can only say that when these festivities rolled around each year - it really was my wife who made them a festive occasion. I just enjoyed it watching her put up decorations and singing holiday songs, she and I would go to our favorite bar and join in with their costume parties. I went to visit my son-in-laws X-mas get together just after she died. It was one of the most solemn occasions ever for me. Her other son told me he couldn’t take it anymore (the kids were crying and screaming etc.) and was going to go home - I joined him. How can a person enjoy something like this after a wife (or the son’s mother just recently passed away?) Anyway, I hope you get the picture. Sorry, I just wanted to chime in on this event. I agree with you ladies on your holiday viewpoints.
Sorry this isn’t that pleasant and took so long.
Herb
life can be so hard. and the media does us no favors … showing constant happiness that some may not have, or be experiencing at the time. hard to say. I think that all of us avoid the hard parts because they are so overwhelming, especially when we pin so much on hope.
Hi Herb,
I agree with you it’s impossible to enjoy festivities with a broken heart. We might turn up but we’re not really present.
My husband always decorated our Christmas tree with our sons (even as adults) and each year the same trinkets would be lovingly hung on the branches and the usual wow expressed when the lights were switched on. All the decorations had been collected over the years with so many connotations of family life. My husband also used to use his favourite nautical knots to secure the strings on which the cards were displayed. He alone did that.
The thought of decorating a tree and hanging up cards he cannot see is beyond me. As for listening to nostalgic carols - well that too is unthinkable.
So many of us are in the same boat sadly. X
Just wanted to add that when I went to the X-mas get together I recognized one of the X-mas gifts to my wife’s grandson (Lincoln Logs). I recognized the wrapping and after they opened it there was a card from Grandma (my wife) with a hundred dollar to both kids. After watching this (knowing my had recently died), I got so choked up that I wanted to hide. Then the kids got upset over something (I don’t recall), that’s when the other son told me he couldn’t take this anymore and was going home. I told him that I was going to go too. When we got outside, we both broke down telling each other that we wished we had not come. The other son didn’t seem affected, but then again his kids were opening gifts. So much for that. I hope I don’t go thru this again. It’s too sad for me to watch this. Anyway, that’s my take on this matter. I’m sorry but this is how I feel about this.
Herb
You are fortunate that you still get invited by this group. When my husband died all the people we used to be friends with as a couple dropped out of my life completely.
We all handle things differently. In times of stress some need to be surrounded by people, others, including me, withdraw to lick our wounds alone and that becomes a habit.
Having been a gregarious soul who loved to socialise in the past I now prefer solitude. On the rare occasions that I get invitations (Solo widows rarely hit the party invitation list) my first instinct is to make an excuse and refuse.
I am losing the art of conversation because I get so little of it. I am much more coherent in writing so online contact is my preference. That way I can choose how much contact I have.
You are not alone in withdrawing from the world and that’s fine. Do whatever you are most comfortable with.
@AtillaTheNun I love your name! I sometimes tell people I am becoming a Happy Hermit. It is true up to a point but sometimes deals with inappropriate advice to get back into life.
I am comfortable with solitude too, I like people but always needed to withdraw at some point to refresh.
Now I am in a long withdrawal. I do not want duty invites.
i have found some on line meetings helpful to keep conversational abilities. These are usually a talk then a discussion follows or chit chat.
I prefer writing so have some people I correspond to following different parts of life.
Painful as grief is I also see it is teaching me about my strengths and weaknesses just as the years of caring did in a different way.
AliceA