I posted earlier about doing some housework today. It has been 14 weeks now, and whilst I have been keeping the place relatively clean and tidy, cooking decent meals for my daughter and changing bed linen, I have not really done any ‘deep cleaning’. I have been wandering around, not really seeing things. But, today, I did. Whilst it is good to know that all is as it should be, I got upset. Having to look at stuff, the memories came thick and fast. Where, when and why we bought things, which brought up memories of the holidays, and how we delighted in each other. Holding hands, wandering around, sitting and looking at the view. How he bought me “the biggest ice cream in the world”. When we swam in a pond with newts for company, and how cold the water was.
I have been consciously trying to avoid painful memories, even though they are precious. I wasn’t ready for them.
There was no avoiding them today, and they really sting.
I didn’t just lose him once, I lose him every time I remember something, a word, a giggle, that look in his eyes. My head knows he has gone, it’s just starting to realise what else has gone with him.
I know that I have to find new things to do on my own, and I do try. I know that I have to make a new life for myself and my daughter. It’s just that I was so happy with the life we had.
Xx
Oh Willow i feel like this too. It seems to be hitting me harder now, When I look at his picture this longing to touch his face is so ………. And there I stop because I can’t think of adequate word to how I feel. That about sums it up I can’t even describe how I feel anymore
I feel this too. I thought I was having a good day today. Deep cleaned the bathroom. The only room Philip completely finished in our forever home reno. He would always get bored and start another room/project. Then i took our dog for a walk and the sun was shining and the sky blue…looking over the fields the tears started again. I hate that he is missing so much of life. We’re only 57. I miss him 
Sometimes, I can (almost) handle it. But every now and then I can’t understand why he died.
He was fit and well, never smoked, didn’t drink, apart from high days and holidays. Ate healthy foods, took excercise.
He was also a good man. He could not have been a better father to both of my children. My daughter has additional needs and can be quite challenging, but nothing fazed him. He respected that my kids always came first, even though he was not their biological father.
He gave up his life, job, house and friends to share my life and moved a hundred miles to do so.
He was one of the good guys, he was so needed. He looked after his health.
So why was he taken? I am a Christian, though he was not.
I still believe in God. Nobody will be more pissed off than me if this life is all there is.
Xx
Tinkerbell! That makes me smile. I met my husband initially through a widow chat room where you had to give a name that was not your real one. I was Tinkerbell, he was Eyeore!
Xx
Thats cute. Tinkerbell was my pony. X
Oh @Willow112, it’s so hard. We try to keep going and keep busy but when we let in the memories it hurts like hell.
I try keep mine at bay most of the time - from next week I’m gonna be on my own during the day so I will have to deal with whatever comes. Just got to go with the pain and hope we come out the other side eventually.
Sending a huge hug and lots of love - I’m so sorry you have to go through this too xx
I completely understand all of these feelings. I’m nearly 9 weeks in from losing Andy, the best thing that ever happened to me! He was my soulmate, my saviour and my best friend and I miss him more every day. It’s the enormity of Never, never to see his smile, feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I’ve tried to clean a few areas of our house, those which are in desperate need but every room has so many memories and is full of Andy’s ‘stuff’, I find it really hard. We live next to a field so as the days and nights get colder, we get lots of very big spiders coming in so I need to get on with the cleaning and clearing to give them fewer places to hide!! Andy was our spider catcher!!!
I am surrounded by fields too. And Jeremy dealt with the spiders. I don’t like them at all, in fact they terrify me. I can cope with mice, snakes, bats, no problem. But some of the spiders are huge. 
🫨
Im nearly 8 weeks from losing Philip. I can’t put into words how much he brought to my life and all those around him. I miss him so much. Like you there is so much of him around the home. We (I) live surrounded by fields and there is at least 1 spider in every room. My daughter tells me to leave them as they are the type that eat other spiders. Sick of the cobwebs though.
I have lost my partner only 4 weeks today in a tragic motorcycle accident. I cant get out of bed today, i dont want to be in this house. Everywhere i look i see him in something- he has left a huge gap in my life. I feel sick, i cant eat. Im not sleeping and feel so alone. I am scared for the future
I’m having to learn to deal with them myself even though I have my two strapping adult sons still living at home! They’re both even worse than me!!! 
I’m so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. It is still so very raw. Don’t worry about getting out of bed today but do try to eat a little, and keep drinking water. To start with, having all of Andy’s ‘stuff’ around me was so difficult and painful but now I find it comforting to look around and remember when we got something, what we were doing when he last wore it and all his little quirks. I’m only 9 weeks in but the sheer pain has subsided a little. Sending you love and best wishes on this dreadful journey xx
@Lorrainem i am so sorry that you find yourself here where none of us want to be. You will find a lot of support here so keep writing about how you are feeling, I can say things here that I can’t say to my family for fear of upsetting them. Sending you love.
So sorry, Lorraine, it is a huge shock and it takes time. One hour at a time was my mantra. 14 weeks for me.
Sending love and hugs. Xx
Yes keep posting here. So many who understand like no one else can. Sadly we are all in the same club
I was made a widow suddenly in April at the age of 56, I just didn’t expect to be spending 30+ years alone and without my husband, it feels like a prison sentence x
I felt brave enough to go to the supermarket on my own today. Mistake- its silly how seeing certain foods made me feel so sad. Not buying a pasty for his lunchbox. Tearing up as i wandered the aisles. I sat in the car in the carpark and sobbed
@Lorrainem i feel for you, I had to leave the supermarket last week in tears. I hadn’t shopped on my own since Ray retired 15 yrs ago. I am doing online shopping just now. Sending you a hug.
I went shopping today and it was an absolute nightmare for me. Going around the supermarket, I didn’t know what to buy even though I had a list. It was so overwhelming, I was weeping slightly at the check out and gave in altogether when I got to the car and, like you, sobbed my heart out in the car in the car park. I felt so wretched and empty. Before that, I had been in town and went into the sort of shops that I did with Rob - he would sit outside with our little dog and wait for me. Now, he is not there waiting for me with the dog when I come out of the shops so I was openly weeping in the streets. You feel so silly but it seems to come from nowhere but it completely takes over your whole being and you feel sad for hour afterwards. I’m now sitting here typing this and feeling so low and upset even though hours have passed. It seems to be like this most days, something will just start me off, it doesn’t even have to be a memory, just being here without him is so very, very painful.