I had a feeling of utter despair. I dont think i can do that again alone
2 Likes
I feel incapable of anything. The tears donāt stop. I canāt start anything. I foolishly thought Richard needed me. Wow how i need him!!
6 Likes
I lost my husband Andrew almost 8weeks ago. He was 66.
I want to feel his presence and comfort around me but i donāt feel i do. It worries me that Iām getting over this too quickly. We had 46 years together. A very happy and loving relationship.
I went to Tesco yesterday and didnāt realise how emotional i would feel. He use to regularly pop there on his bike for clubcard offers.
Although he left me very well provided for the future worries me.
3 Likes
I know exactly how you fill it it will be 2 years 13th next month i still get extremely upset going into storeās and shops without my wife daughter in law comes with me not the same but really good of her still havenāt visited any towns that we went to together that makes me panic just thinking of we will get there stay strong xx
4 Likes
I too feel that panic. It is absolutely heart wrenching
1 Like
I have photos around the tv and at night the eyes glisten. It makes me cry becauae Darrens eyes were amazing. Its been 6 months, i cry everyday and lookinf into his eyes i feel comfort.
I havent posted anything for a few weeks, i have had an empty feeling inside me, i just zone out and stare into space. I have never had this feeling before ever. Is it part of the grieving process. I cant describe it
5 Likes
Hi Willow
Your story sounds so similar to mine and I feel so sorry you are having to go through all this too.
My daughters, 54 and 51, are wonderful, as was my lovely husband, their stepdad, and we have always been very close - it is now over a year since he died and I have relied on them for support ever since.
I have driven over to my daughterās most days to look after her lovely dog, Romeo, but a few weeks ago he also died and I am no longer needed to go over apart from occasionally, as she is trying to rebuild her life with the help of her new boyfriend.
I donāt think people can fully understand the anxiety that these big life changes create for us and I wish you all the love possible, as I think I actually feel how you feel. X
5 Likes
I understand exactly how you feel . I lost my husband , ago come November 26th.
What has kept me going this last 2 years is my then , 2 year old Grandaughter, who has been my crutch . She would say , you miss Grandad dont you Nanny ? Then she would put her arms tound me and say I love you Nanny 
.
But now , 2 years on , she is a little 4 year old who has just started school , the first week was not too bad as I had a busy week.
I.would look after her , 2 sometimes 3 days a week ,but this week has been awful , missing her so much 
, it just feels like another loss , except I have nothing to lean on this time .
I dont think I have accepted the death of my husband as all his clothes are still hanging in the wardrobe and all his coats in the cloakroom.
I have made no changes to my house , i have not done much gardening at all apart from a bit of weeding and cutting the grass.
Terry used to do all the flower pots and hanging baskets , as he had green fingers , they died when i did them 
.
I just want to be out of this house and be on my own to think.
I think I need to sell and get a smaller place , but I am 70 next year , will I have the energy to do it.
As you say, without our other halves , everything is so much harder and the anxiety that comes with it is awful.
I sometimes get jelly legs and I.know its because iām anxious about everything.
Love to us all walking this terrible lonely existence 
. Xo xo
6 Likes
Hi @Carly1. Itās so hard just being on your own and it will feel like another loss with your grandchild going off to school.
Slightly different but 2 of my kids have gone back to uni this week and itās just me and my youngest daughter left in the house - one that used to house 6 of us and a dog.
I dread the time in a couple of years when she too will leave for uni and I will be alone completely. Never what I expected at 52.
I suppose we just have to try and find some way to muddle through and keep going.
But I feel like Iām just fighting to stay alive and not really living at all.
Itās not 2 years yet for you - I think thatās still early days, so donāt expect too much from yourself and donāt be too hard on yourself either. His things will get sorted when you are ready but it is obviously not the right time for you yet.
Just a day at a time until we start to adapt to this new life we have been left with. Take care. Sending some hugs and strength xx
2 Likes
Hi Carly, I really feel for you - the jelly legs and anxiety. Unless someone has experienced a loss such as this, which is almost ādoubledā when the responsibility of looking after a child (or our doggie) is not there, it is probably hard for others to understand. Like you, I recognise I have been needed by family since my lovely hubby died, so this acted like a crutch also, and I now feel lost all over again. I can so relate to the insurmountable jobs in the garden, house, etc as well as Damien was always there, gardening, helping with other things etc. , and now in my seventies things seem overwhelming.
Our house is full of so much āstuffā as well as memories so I donāt think Iād be able to consider packing up and moving somewhere smaller. Maybe we should give ourselves more time to recover a bit from everything and see whether our sadness and loneliness improves?
Iām sending so much love to you as I think I have a real insight into how you feel. X
2 Likes
Hi Roni
A lovely heartfelt reply you have posted to Carly. Just wanted to keep in touch to say itās comforting for all of us to know that someone truly understands.
Much love to you and your family X
2 Likes
Dear Lorraine
My heart goes out to you and I so wish I could give you a hug. No-one can imagine what you are feeling - I have only recently joined this forum but already I feel a certain comfort and not quite as alone.
I have odd good days and many bad ones and I am sending you loads of love and, if you donāt mind, I will say a prayer for you tonight in the hope you can have a little peace and relax at some stage. X
2 Likes
Thank you Eden
Hi Roni, thank you so much for your kind words of support.
I feel for you worrying about your Daughter leaving home to go to Uni.
We look back to a couple of years earlier when our lives were so different, and think how has it come to this , the loneliness , the devastation of it all is just awful.
Hopefully life will start being kind to us soon again.
Take care of yourself .
From one day broken 
to another
2 Likes
Hi Eden, thank you for your kind words.
Yes, our stories sound very similar , and it definitely does feel like another loss.
I think you are right , we perhaps do need to give ourselves more time to recover and mend .
I think the same about the house move , dont think I have the energy , but i canāt manage it all, I used to think.when my 2 sons were still living at home that our house was too small but now its seems too big just for me .
Lets hope our lives do improve to happier times , as I would hate to think , this is it till we leave this world .
Lots of love 
to you . Take care. Xo
1 Like
Hope you have a restful night. We will keep in touch.
1 Like
I find that I have odd good hours and many long, painful bad ones. Sometimes I find myself crying helplessly for over an hour. I try to keep busy doing jobs, then I come across something that triggers more tears. It just feels like I am being torn apart and I often scream out loud or howl like an injured animal. This behaviour is so alien to me but I canāt seem to help it. I am going for an initial counselling session on Wednesday 19th, I just need someone to listen to me. I have two wonderful children but I really donāt want to burden them with my grief - they have enough of their own to deal with. I am sorry to say this but even knowing that other people understand what I am going through doesnāt really help because I feel helpless in being able to given them any comfort when I am feeling so devastated myself. I guess this will make little sense but it does feel better to get it down and out of meā¦
4 Likes
It does make sense to me, I lost the love of my life on the 18th July after 52 years together. You have helped me realise that I am not the only one who does the same as you, some days I think I might be going mad. I also have my first counselling on the same date as you. Sending a big hug to you.
Hi
Just sending sincere love to you. I too have been persuaded by my daughters to see a counsellor this Friday - I have been so reluctant, but have agreed as, like you, I seem to cry uncontrollably at times but when I am able to chat to someone I feel calm again. Good luck with everything, and lots of love to you. I am assured by other people who have been in our position that it does eventually get better xx
4 Likes
Hi @Carly1 & @Eden1
Thankyou both for your kind replies and for bringing me a little bit of comfort this evening. It was much needed.
This life we have is so difficult now , but I think we all need to give ourselves time to grieve and find some peace with how our lives have changed.
They were our loves, our lives, our past and our future. They will always be with us in our hearts and we need to find a way to incorporate all their love into a life that will reflect the love we shared.
Tonight I went to a concert of a band that both my husband and I loved and that he had bought tickets for my last birthday.
We had seen them before 2 years ago at the same venue.
I went with a friend and it was a great concert but it was all just tinged with sadness for me. I did feel closer to him than I have done in a while which is weird considering I was surrounded mostly by drunk people!!
It was less difficult than I thought, so I think thatās a little progress as I couldnāt go to concerts we had tickets for in May or June.
Just a day at a time is all we need to do for now.
Sending lots of love and hope you all get some rest tonight xxx
3 Likes