Hello, it will be 10 weeks for me tomorrow since my husband had a sudden cardiac arrest. I have been reading posts and whilst many things resonate there are others that make me wonder if I am odd. I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but I still feel different.
I cannot look at photos, or contemplate going anywhere we used to go as a couple. I have accidentally been taken, or passed by somewhere that I last visited with him but I have to think of something else and not let my eyes fall on where we sat. I distract myself.
I worry that I am doing this wrong, that one day it will all rise up and bite me on the bum. But I don’t want to revisit places that were special to us, it’s just too painful. If I am going out I want to go somewhere that will not remind me of what I have lost. I have to make a new life without him, I have to get used to this scary life on my own. It’s all different now, I wish with all my heart that it wasn’t, but it is.
I loved him to bits. But he has gone, forever. Now I have to make a new life without him by my side. Revisiting places we loved without him is just too painful. I would rather go somewhere, anywhere else, and take him with me in my heart.
You are not the odd one out. I am feeling the same way about our places and I am unable to think about going to where we used to enjoy ourselves. The other day I was wondering where will I go when I feel better if everywhere we went is now forbidden to my broken heart. As you say there is no right or wrong way to grieve, each loss as each love is unique. Follow your heart as that’s the only thing I’m doing. I haven’t been able to go back to church because I sing but my soul is so broken I can’t even feel the music calling anymore. Going on 9 weeks. But time stands still. Be yourself and do you Willow.
I know just how you feel, you’re not odd. I lost my husband 6 months ago and i dont really go anywhere just shopping for food etc. Everywhere i go reminds me of him, i dont want to go on holiday on my own. In some ways its like im a prisoner in my own home, just existing.
I think that to not want to go somewhere you both went is fear. Can you go with a friend or family member initially. Someone else on here posred about it and he said don t let the happy memories be spoiled by fear.
You may be very sad, distraught even but that is a normal part of grieving and helps us to heal. Eventually you may be able to visit the places as somewhere to go for remembering happy times and smile when you remember the day or the event.
Our brains magnify fear and it may not be as bad as you think. X
I feel the same way i never listen to smooth radio as that what was always on when we’d be on our boat wont watch tv shows we watched together i haven’t sat in our summerhouse since he died i have his ashes there as that was our happy place danny died 18th april suddenly heart attack age 63 all i can say its not as bad as the early days i have been out with our daughters and had a wkend away and it was good i find it best if i try not do go to the places we went together seems to help me but everyone is different but all i can say it does ease a bit not as overwhelming and all consuming as the early days nothings as bad as that xx
I don’t think I avoid places or situations through fear. Everyone deals with it their own way, but, for me, revisiting the past is like picking a scab. He is always going to be missing from my life, but sometimes he is more missing than others. My life is going to be very different from now on, so it might as well be as different as I can make it.
I am not hiding, I live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, I certainly don’t want to forget him or the years we had. I pass our wedding venue every time I leave the house, his ashes are scattered in the cemetery 300 yards away. These are facts I can’t change and I can live with them.
I have to forge a new life now and my inclination is that revisiting places without him would feel like trying to recapture something that has gone forever. They are special places because we shared them. I know if I went back to them alone they would just be places and my memories would be spoiled.
I guess we all have to find our own coping strategies.
Hugs, strength and love to everyone navigating this journey. Xx
You are not the odd one out.
I find photos of my husband very, very upsetting.
I post elsewhere on Sundays about him with a photo.
It is something I feel I need to do. It comforts me.
I include a photo and so try to find a different one each week.
That is heartbreaking and the tears just flow.
I have seen photos of him sent by others, that is as difficult.
I have been to a couple of places where we occasionally shopped and one we visited not that often.
Everywhere else is just too painful.
Relatives visited and organised a couple of things at places that hold very strong memories.
They then told me what they had arranged and said I was welcome to join them.
I couldn’t go. It would have been to painful.
They could go, remember and enjoy and then go back to their normal lives.
I admit, I was very hurt they organised it without even thinking or asking if I could cope with going to those places.
I know I am 21 weeks on but it is still very raw.
So no you are not the odd one out, there is at least two of us.
Love and hugs, xx
I totly agree with both the last two statements. Its not fear its just that it wouldnt be the same without my lovely hubby accompanying me to all the places weve visited…i can look at photos of him and ive a few in frames around ut i cry when i look at them. I feel i need them round to remember him.
Hi , it’s almost three years since my husband died , I’m still unable to go to our local beach , that was our special place , anniversary’s birthdays and just because . We would eat fish and chips and then have a lovely salt and vinegar kiss. Doesn’t sound much to others but very romantic to us . It’s not fear that stops me going , I know it will trigger and upset me , so why put myself through that , there is enough triggers I don’t see coming , just waiting to attack me , and make me feel vulnerable .
Also I want to keep the memory of our special place a happy one and not one of me sitting alone with just memories . All X take care x
I read a post about going to places you’ve been to and been happy in together
The post said to embrace it and go and remember the good times you had there.
It made a lot of sense when I read it.
So I thought maybe I should go to Looe, a place he loved.
Then I absolutely broke my heart, just the thought of it reduced me to so many tears.
I know the day I can do that is a long long way off. If ever
Yes we all grieve differ
There’s nothing wrong in that
We’re all here for each other.
Big hugs to everybody
Liz x x
Absolutely.
Some can visit places again at different points of grieving and some may find they cannot.
We are all different, what one person can do, another may manage in time and someone else may never be able to.
It isn’t that one is right and one isn’t.
It is grieving and coping in a way that is best for you.
We don’t always manage it but we need to be kind and gentle to ourselves.
Love and hugs xxxx
Thankyou Rose
X x
Yet again it comes to the start of the weekend everyone around me have plans and i have nothing. I went to the place i have decided to scatter some of my partner Darrens ashes. Its where my daughter got married and my grandchildren go there a lot. I was fine walking around it thanking of the memories, had a smile on my fqcw thinking of memories when our children were a lot younger. When i got home the crying came, my son didnt understand why and went up to his room. I know thst i have to be strong on the day of the scattering of ashes as i dont want it to be about me. Its for my grandchildren. Any one feeling emotionally distressed when going to a place of past happiness
Im sorry thst your son didn’t understand your upset. But I feel that our children just don’t like to see us upset and don’t know how to deal with it. So they ignore it.
One day I hope I’m strong enough to visit places we went to together.
But not yet
I don’t think you are the odd one out, I couldn’t bear to go the restaurants we used to go most weekends until after the first anniversary of his passing I took my daughter there and have not been back since - in hindsight I don’t think I was ready and it’s been 15 months in for me!
Please take care x
I am truly glad that other people feel the same. I was wondering if I was burying my head in the sand. Many books talk about allowing grief in, that you can’t go past it, you have to go through it, embrace it, face it, etc. I don’t actually know what that means. I know he is dead, that he’s not coming back, I am not in denial. I do the grief journal. But I don’t force myself to confront things that will hurt, there are enough of those that I can’t avoid. Everything in my house, everything in my life reminds me of him. I don’t need to sit down and think about him, he is always in my thoughts. Most of all he is always missing.
I prefer to just try and get on with life as best I can. Some people would say that’s a distraction, maybe it is. We all have to try and do what’s best for us.
Xx
Totally agree xx
I couldnt have put it better myself
[quote=“littlewitch, post:240, topic:89324, full:true”]
Went to an adventure playground with my daughter and grandchildren today. I asked her what her husband was doing, and she said how her husband had taken my partners place at a birthday, do jet biking, bowling, and for food and drinks. I wasn’t aware of this being booked. Apparently, it was a boys’ day. I have just messaged my friend to see what she was up to, and she is at the bowling alley bowling with her son. Its upset me to think that i havent known anything about and now to know that other halves have joined them its caused me upset. I am now sitting here thinking of whst else has been organised that i am not aware of. My life is already rubbish, i didn’t think that it could get any worse and today it has. I just don’t know what to do.
So sorry xx